His mother’s refusal seems unfair
As-salamu alaykum
I'm a Christian woman in South Africa. When I was in school I met a muslim guy who at that stage was not strong in his faith. We became good friends and naturally strong feelings developed. After school he wanted to better himself, and became dedicated to islam and he went for 4 months jammat. On his return he told me he can no longer see me or speak to me, however he said he would like to marry me one day and I respected that we can only have contact after marriage.
When he mentioned me to his mother, she refused him ever marrying me based on three reasons: I am not muslim, I am not from the same village in India and I am not her choice. If she would meet me, maybe she would like me and I could be her choice of a wife for her son but she won't grant me a chance. Is this fair? I found out he is unhappy about his mother's refusal but he wants to obey her wishes. Although I don't want to cause trouble I would like to marry him but I don't know how I can win his mother's approval.
~Bee
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Bee, thanks for writing to us and seeking our advice. To answer the precise question you asked, no, it's not fair what happened to you. I'm glad that this young man reconnected with his faith, but it's unfortunate that it came at the expense of your feelings.
The fact that you are not from the same village as his mom should not matter. Such things are irrelevant in Islam. However, they are very important to certain people with certain cultural attitudes. Also, a man or woman should have the right to choose their own marriage partner, and parents should not impose unreasonable objections.
The only point on which I agree with his mom is the matter of religion. I think it's generally not a good idea for a Muslim to marry a non-Muslim, as it creates conflicts in the home, especially when it comes to child rearing.
To summarize, it's not quite fair how you've been treated, but I think you need to accept that this relationship will not work out. You will most likely not be able to marry this man. You will not get his mother's approval, and as you said he is apparently not the type to disobey his mother. Try to move on and leave this experience behind, as difficult as that may be.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
What is it that affects children in terms of marrying a Muslim while you non Muslim?
Pumla,
For a Muslim, his whole way of life is about submitting to the Will of God, he knows that everything he does in this life will affect where he goes in the Hereafter: Heaven or Hell. He has a duty towards his children to teach them about the truth, to instill a strong belief of Allah in their hearts, to teach them to pray five times a day, to perform hajj, to pay zakah, to fast in the month of Ramadan, to learn to recite and understand Quran, to strive to live according to the Quran and Sunnah(life of Muhammed(peace be up upon him) etc.
- If the non-Muslim mother does not believe or agree with some or all of her Muslim husband's beliefs, this will inevitably cause conflict between her and her husband. It will also cause the child to become confused and upsettled.
- The non-Muslim mother may not only disagree with the principles, but she may strongly oppose them and have extremely conflicting views, eg: Muslims know with 100% assurity that Allah is One, He has no partners, He does not give birth and neither was He given birth to. But Christians believe that Jesus was the son of God, and also that Jesus is God (astagfirullah). This is a major point of conflict.
- Now, supposing a Muslim man marries a non-Muslim woman, who is Christian by name, but not practising, she does not mind if her husband raises their child as Muslim. Even in this situation, who will support him to raise his child as a Muslim, as she will have no passion for the belief, nor will she have the full or correct knowledge.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalaam alaikum SisterZ,
You bring up an interesting topic in your last point about a woman who is "Christian by name." A Christian woman who was born into Christianity, i.e. "by name" must believe in the most important tenets of her religion such as belief in God and His prophets, that there is revelation, miracles, angels, that God created the universe, etc. The ayah in question refers to women who are "chaste" for example, meaning that this woman would have to adhere to the principals of not dating or being involved in fornication.
For example, a Christian woman who only attests to Christianity by name with no belief is not therefore a Christian believer and thus, may fall out of the category of a woman to be selected for marriage. She must have acceptance of God, but does not need to be a staunch adherent of any particular sect, however. I believe that the reason for this is that it is more likely she will become Muslim in the future as she will not be too far astray of the Abrahamic faiths nor turn atheist or agnostic.
In this modern era, we have many people who claim to be just Christian, but they have no belief in anything, and thus fall out of their own religious tenets by being an apostate and/or denying the existence in God, but claiming to be 'spiritual' instead. It is possible that this woman would not be recommended to be marriage material for a Muslim man.
It's a fine line to walk when a Muslim man chooses to marry a Jew or Christian, but from what I understand, a woman such as one who has left her particular sect out of a disagreement, but still believes and practices her faith within Jewish and Christian tenets is acceptable. The one who is more inclined to learn and possibly accept Islam is more so. These women would be considered more than "Christian by name" and would still maintain some level of practice of belief.
Marrying a pious Muslim woman, as we all suggest, is thus less complicated, then.
Hello Pumla.
One of the key aspects for a Muslim child is being raised and taught the practices of the religion and as such, the mother plays a vital role in showing the child through education and by her own set example, how to achieve adherence to Islamic theology, philosophy, jurisprudence and closeness to Allah (swt) by loving the Prophet Muhammad (saw) and adopting his lifestyle, aka the Sunnah. Whew, that was a long sentence!
Anyhow, this includes avoiding the things that are forbidden and disliked, as well as accepting the things allowed and liked, which are not always in agreement with Christianity or Judaism, whether we are talking about fasting, the 5 daily prayers, performing pilgrimage or other things like eating, washing and reciting Qur'an per the rules of Islam. Another key aspect is living according to shariah edicts and understanding the importance of learning Arabic in discovering the truth of Allah's (swt) revelation. The problem is of course, that a non-Muslim (only Muslims, Jews and Christians are allowed for a Muslim man to marry) will not know these things herself and will teach the child with the heartfelt sincerity and vigor that the child will need.
For example, the pregnant woman is recommended to recite Qur'an daily, as well as following Islamic recommendations for this time, as well. This is one example of how a Muslim woman actually has recommended and/or obligatory acts upon her to her child that would be difficult for a non-Muslim to fulfill.
This is not to say that a Christian woman cannot be a good woman, but that she will always fall short of being the Muslim mother, i.e. the lap of Islamic practice and knowledge that her child will need in his/her life. As we know, the mother is the center of the young child's life and her influence goes even beyond her death, so in this way, a Muslim mother is of even more paramount concern.
This is not to say that I have not known Christian women that married Muslim men, but in fact, these women reverted to Islam before bringing children into their lives, which is the Merciful Grace of Allah (swt). Many Islamic scholars also suggest that a Muslim man should not impregnate his Christian or Jewish wife until this happens.
I hope my post has been of help.