Islamic marriage advice and family advice

hurt by my husband’s behavior (viewing unislamic websites)

Books like this one may help people to deal with the problem of pornography addiction. Counseling is also an option.

Books like this one may help people to deal with the problem of pornography addiction. Counseling is also an option.

Asalaamu Alaikum,

I am a young woman of 24 with a 3 month old child, i am writing you today with much distress in my heart. i recently discovered that my husband has been viewing very unislamic websites. When i confronted him about his actions, he admitted to his sin, apologized, stated that it was a "problem" hes had since college which he had planned to discontinue after marriage, but was unable. I have now been married for 20 months and have found that he has been viewing such websites on a semi-regular basis until last week when i discovered them.

The reason i am consulting your advice is because i feel such pain that my marriage has been a horrible hoax. Prior to this discovery, we have had a very good marriage, with its usual ups and downs. But since the discovery i can not seem to stop crying, i feel like i have been cheated on, and i don't know how i will ever trust him again. Is it appropriate to look into divorce? What do i do about the effect it has had on me? I can't eat, sleep, or think about anything else. I can't look at him without wondering what i did wrong in our marriage to deserve such a punishment.

He is a religious man, prays and reads Quran. So i never saw this coming. But now i don't know how to get past this. Feel much pain and resentment and anger. I mainly feel like a horrible wife to have dissatisfied him so much so that he would have to revert back to his old ways. I have never been unkind to him in that aspect of our marriage, i am aware it is a form of sadaqa and that a woman should not deny her husband without just cause.

I don't know what i've done wrong. But i need some guidance as to where to go from, how to continue, or if i should continue with this marriage?

Can't stop crying,

- Confused

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13 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum,

    sis after reading your question i can understand you are hurt but this is a very common issue. sis before you start considering divorce you should try all means to help your husband/marriage, go to the core of the problem. have you asked your husband why he had to go to the extent on what he is doing? is something bothering him? is there something you can do e.g change yourself etc?

    also there is another sis on this site with a similar situation if you have time plz take a look. if you have tryed all means and its still tearing you apart then just go your seperate ways.

    for the sake of your child try to make things work out.

    ma salama

  2. Well sister this is a very common problem with regards to the muslim youth and men in general. This is a type of addiction that men get into at a very early stage in their lives and it happens because of the world around us. The world and the west especially loves nudity and for men this is addictive, unfortunately. Men are visual spacial or are more attracted to images, this is a research.

    Therefore these websites play a big role in satisfying this addiction. Also once a man gets addicted to these things, its very hard for him to drop them. They are the primary tools for satan to make a man sinful and to lead him astray. This is a type of addiction and has no bearing on your role as a wife or your inability to satisfy him. And as you have stated, you are a very good wife and you have no problems, so dont blame yourself.

    I would advise you, although its no expert advise, that take out a special time for your husband and sit alone with him and talk about it. Be kind and loving towards him. Ask him if he seriously wants to give up this habit. And being a good muslim he will want to. Then take the necessary steps to stop him from doing these activities. Firstly, this problem stems from the fact that a man might be having some free time with no work and therefore getting bored. So when you see him getting bored, do some fun activity together. Play a game or something and occupy both of yourselves. This will also help you guys get closer. Also get some professional help such as a psychiatrist who helps deal in these problems, if you guys think the problem has become severe. In the end take out a solution.

    Dont blame yourself and also dont blame him. Think of it as a weakness men have. As a loving spouse its your duty to help him out of this situation. Be his place of comfort and love him and InshAllah he will give up these acts, WITH YOUR HELP!!

    May Allah grant all of us patience. Ameen.

    P.S. I stress this is no expert advise and dont contemplate divorce!!! Because divorce is a BIG word and it only destroys lives and homes!!!! NEVER THINK OF DIVORCE!!! ITS NOT THE SOLUTION!!!

  3. Also i wanted to add..... Your husband has a problem!! It doesnt mean he doesnt love you or wants to cheat on you!!! So please dont think on those lines........ i feel and know by experience that the reason he gave for such an action and behaviour is genuine because 80% of todays youth is in such a problem and he is also saying he has had this problem since college....... Therefore treat it as a problem!!! Its only SATAN that gets in our way and brings divorce to our heads!!!

    And sister please wipe your tears and be strong for him....... he needs you in this problem, so help as best as you can!!!

  4. pornography is western? don't think so. this is a racist view point and misinformed; just look at history and you will find this is not the case. if your husband is looking at pornography, you need to consider your own moral values and decide what your future is from there.

    • No Joke! I've seen many eastern pornography videos on those websites as well. I'm sure a husband looking at porn has nothing at all to do with his wife or unhappiness in the marriage. It's his addiction.







    • you have said very good ways but i also think you should just stop withthe computer take your computer break it on purpose if you have to.inshallh everything will be alright.

  6. I am a Muslim girl who is practicing Islam. I am 26 years old with 3 children. Two children from first marriage. My 3rd child from second marriage. My husband is gujrati and i am bengali. He only prays one time a day and wants to make money by wheeling and dealing. My husband was addicted to porn. i helped him to stop watching porn and tried to divert his mind by being the wife he desired. I have done everything he had asked me to do to please him, even though i was not happpy to do so. My husband does not give me nor my children attention nor has done so for the past 5 years. In the past he was abusive with me and my children I gave him chances after chances unfortunately i had to resort to calling the police twice. But, before he wanted to return to the house he promised he will change. He stopped abusing me and changed slightly but became very distance. I have been patient many times. I tried talking to him about his cold behaviour and ignorant attitude.
    But he still beats the children at times and treats the house as a hotel and myself as a mistress. I need proffessional help. I do not want to divorce nor do i want to stay in a marriage where my husband acts unislamically all the time. I am suffering mentally everyday. What do i do?

    • sufiya, please log in and write your question as a separate post. My short answer to you would be that you are seeking a solution that does not exist. You say, "I do not want to divorce nor do i want to stay in a marriage where my husband acts unislamically all the time." But those are exactly your two options, and you will have to choose one or the other.

      Wael Editor

      • Asalaam alikum Sister Sufiya,

        Because this is such a burgeoning issue nowadays, I would like to respond.

        What strikes me about your post is several huge parts:

        He has abused you physically.
        It sounds as if he has degraded and humiliated you sexually.
        He is abusing your children constantly!
        He's been treating you harshly for 5 years!

        So am I right to take this as to mean that he had you do sexual things that hurt you and made you feel degraded? If so, this is very troubling, as intimacy should never make either partner feel this way. Instead, especially with new ideas, it should have been approached as both mutually loving and enjoyable. Even some of the things that people consider slightly taboo in society, so to speak, can be done with gentleness, warmth and very sweet affection.

        Perhaps in order to overcome this problem, he instead projected his misguided pornographic desires onto you and this caused your feelings. Many men do not understand and/or do not care that the women in those porn depictions undergo much emotional and psychological abuse to get to that stage of being degraded. They do not comprehend that the often violent scenes shown are not acceptable or normal. Neither do people fully understand that those women suffer such horrible calamities in those porn sexual encounters that they need surgery afterwards to heal their bodies by undergoing plastic surgery to repair their private parts. Due to this ignorance of this situation, some men get deluded into the thought that rough sexual encounters are enjoyable for their wives and do not understand why most women do not find any pleasure from this type of sex. This is a horrible side effect of porn addiction, as well.

        If this has been the case with your husband, this important aspect of not treating you honorably and carefully in regards to your sexual lives coupled with the other reasons you have given is enough to consider complete divorce. I do not know how after 5 years of this, you expect him to change if his mindset just continues to worsen.

        If your problems were only sexual, I wold recommend something else, but I do not thin that living with him any longer will do you or your children any good. s it seems, he is a violent person who projects his problems on others and has deep power and control issues.

        During this time, you must decide what it is you are willing to accept and will not accept from him as your husband. This is not a life of continual arguments, but of assessing where the two of you stand and honestly realizing what you can and cannot do on your own. If he is making no attempt to rehabilitate himself, you can little with such an abusive man.

        Needless to say, the physical abuse of the children must stop immediately, as well. Their social and psychological lives could be ruined because of this abuse. It has the potential to either destroy their conceptions of appropriate love by being a victim or initiator of abuse in their future relationships with their own spouses and children. The cycle of abuse is known for causing such disastrous results.

        If your husband is unwilling to make the proper adjustments in your married life, then ultimately the result will be that you may divorce.

  7. hello sister sorri i had commented on some 1 elses i did nt kno how i write well here i am adn 1st thing plz do something about your computer adnmaek shure not to leave him alone i am a helper i have helpedmany ppl so plz try to tell him make him quit he sonds very religious mashallah but he is making all his goods go away with bad adn plz zsister never divoreceeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!i beg u.plz just try i am very sorri my husband had problems to you should comment again i am a helper in this i have seen many cases of this adn alot of them badder so plz any questions just reply.thank you.

  8. asak friends I had gone through the above stated problem...discussions. well I am not an expert in this issue but I have my opinion that knowing the basics of a religion islam is the best way. These sinarios are due to once ignorance of respective rights and duties of one another. First confirm whether this addiction is to be discussed or not as I feel it is something which is within the house i.e., your private capacity and is your spouse's dirty secret. second as per faith it is the merciful allah who can change hearts.. we can and should pray for good then leave as we can go no further. this habit of porn addiction is bad.we can advise for good but its upto the addicted to understand. everyone will answer for himself. May your status increase for you have advised against this bad habit and handle the situation with patience.

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