Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Husband does not love me

Question:

My husband does not love me.. What should i do?

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

This is such a huge, general question that it is difficult to know where to begin. Marriage is a big responsibility, moreso for Muslims, because we are supposed to choose our life partner not just for this life, but for the life to come. Therefore it is very important to work on ourselves first, so that we are strong practicing Muslims, and to know our rights and responsibilities so that we choose the right life partner and are not left with a mountain of regrets.

You say that your husband does not love you. Is this something that he has said directly to you, or are you inferring it from his behavior? Are you both practicing Muslims? By this, I am asking if you both pray the five prayers and fast as you should, and avoid the major sins such as fornication, drinking, and the like. If you both are fundamentally practicing your Islam, then you have a foundation on which to build a marriage. If either of you is lacking in the basics, then that needs to be dealt with even before the issue of your marriage, because a house built with no foundation will crumble.

Of course, the first place to look is to yourself, to see if you are doing what a good Muslim woman should do. Beyond praying and fasting, a wife should be a strong helper for her husband and should support him in his difficult task of working to support his family. She should make an effort to dress nicely, look good, meet him with a pleasing smile, and make the home a place of comfort and rest for him. She should be available for him sexually, as this is a great need for men and it affects their ability to work effectively if they are stressed due to a lack of marital intimacy.

If you have evaluated yourself and found that you are honestly doing the best you can, then you must look to your husband. Is he fulfilling his duties to you? Is he working to support his family, and is the money he earns halaal? Does he also make an effort to look good for you and meet you with kindness and nice words? Is he fulfilling your sexual needs as well? Women need intimacy in a similar way as men, and if deprived they can suffer many illnesses, both physical and mental.

How did you two come to be married? There is an Islamic way of courting, and an unIslamic way. If you had an arranged marriage, where you two hardly knew each other before marriage and the families simply put you together, then it is possible that he simply went along to avoid trouble in the family and is not interested in you particularly, and he feels actually resentful because he either didn't want to get married at all, or he was interested in someone else the family did not approve of. This is an unfortunate reality in many cultures.

On the other scale, if you had a relationship before marriage that went beyond the bounds of Islamic ettiquette, then this can also poison a marriage because the husband might in his heart consider his wife to have been a "loose woman" for allowing any type of intimate contact, even though he was as guilty of it as you. This can affect a man's attitude towards his wife.

You will have to consider all the details of your marriage, and what comes after that is the hardest thing of all.... You will have to have an open and honest in-depth conversation with your husband and discuss every issue that is in your heart. You have to hear from him if he is committed to Islam and committed to the marriage. If he swears by Allah that he is, then you can build from there. If he tells you no, he is not interested in improving things, then you have to decide if you wish to spend the rest of your life in a marriage where your husband does not love you, or if it is better to separate from him and get on with your life. Of course, if you have children, this complicates things, because children are damaged by divorce, but they are also deeply affected when they see a lack of love and respect between their parents. As usual, there is no easy answer.

You will have to be a strong woman to deal with this issue head-on and not let it fester on for years. Sometimes it seems easier to just go along day by day in quiet misery, like a robot, doing the routine of cooking, cleaning, living together but separately. This is not the way that a dynamic person is supposed to live life, though. Marriage is a partnership, and you deserve to be married to a husband who will honor and respect you. There may not be that "starry-eyed" love that we see on TV. That is the stuff of movies and sets up unreal expectations in the hearts of many women. But there should be kindness, mercy, honorable treatment, and affection from both sides.

Now you have the duty to try to fix the problem. Make sure you are fulfilling your duty to Allah by keeping the five daily prayers, and supplicate to Him to open your husband's heart and resolve any differences. May Allah bless you and give you patience and the wisdom to deal with this situation in the best way.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah,
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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6 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    This is such a huge, general question that it is difficult to know where to begin. Marriage is a big responsibility, moreso for Muslims, because we are supposed to choose our life partner not just for this life, but for the life to come. Therefore it is very important to work on ourselves first, so that we are strong practicing Muslims, and to know our rights and responsibilities so that we choose the right life partner and are not left with a mountain of regrets.

    You say that your husband does not love you. Is this something that he has said directly to you, or are you inferring it from his behavior? Are you both practicing Muslims? By this, I am asking if you both pray the five prayers and fast as you should, and avoid the major sins such as fornication, drinking, and the like. If you both are fundamentally practicing your Islam, then you have a foundation on which to build a marriage. If either of you is lacking in the basics, then that needs to be dealt with even before the issue of your marriage, because a house built with no foundation will crumble.

    Of course, the first place to look is to yourself, to see if you are doing what a good Muslim woman should do. Beyond praying and fasting, a wife should be a strong helper for her husband and should support him in his difficult task of working to support his family. She should make an effort to dress nicely, look good, meet him with a pleasing smile, and make the home a place of comfort and rest for him. She should be available for him sexually, as this is a great need for men and it affects their ability to work effectively if they are stressed due to a lack of marital intimacy.

    If you have evaluated yourself and found that you are honestly doing the best you can, then you must look to your husband. Is he fulfilling his duties to you? Is he working to support his family, and is the money he earns halaal? Does he also make an effort to look good for you and meet you with kindness and nice words? Is he fulfilling your sexual needs as well? Women need intimacy in a similar way as men, and if deprived they can suffer many illnesses, both physical and mental.

    How did you two come to be married? There is an Islamic way of courting, and an unIslamic way. If you had an arranged marriage, where you two hardly knew each other before marriage and the families simply put you together, then it is possible that he simply went along to avoid trouble in the family and is not interested in you particularly, and he feels actually resentful because he either didn't want to get married at all, or he was interested in someone else the family did not approve of. This is an unfortunate reality in many cultures.

    On the other scale, if you had a relationship before marriage that went beyond the bounds of Islamic ettiquette, then this can also poison a marriage because the husband might in his heart consider his wife to have been a "loose woman" for allowing any type of intimate contact, even though he was as guilty of it as you. This can affect a man's attitude towards his wife.

    You will have to consider all the details of your marriage, and what comes after that is the hardest thing of all.... You will have to have an open and honest in-depth conversation with your husband and discuss every issue that is in your heart. You have to hear from him if he is committed to Islam and committed to the marriage. If he swears by Allah that he is, then you can build from there. If he tells you no, he is not interested in improving things, then you have to decide if you wish to spend the rest of your life in a marriage where your husband does not love you, or if it is better to separate from him and get on with your life. Of course, if you have children, this complicates things, because children are damaged by divorce, but they are also deeply affected when they see a lack of love and respect between their parents. As usual, there is no easy answer.

    You will have to be a strong woman to deal with this issue head-on and not let it fester on for years. Sometimes it seems easier to just go along day by day in quiet misery, like a robot, doing the routine of cooking, cleaning, living together but separately. This is not the way that a dynamic person is supposed to live life, though. Marriage is a partnership, and you deserve to be married to a husband who will honor and respect you. There may not be that "starry-eyed" love that we see on TV. That is the stuff of movies and sets up unreal expectations in the hearts of many women. But there should be kindness, mercy, honorable treatment, and affection from both sides.

    Now you have the duty to try to fix the problem. Make sure you are fulfilling your duty to Allah by keeping the five daily prayers, and supplicate to Him to open your husband's heart and resolve any differences. May Allah bless you and give you patience and the wisdom to deal with this situation in the best way.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah,
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Jazak Allah khayr Sister Noorah for this detailed answer.

    To the questioner, you really need to provide more detail. Since you only gave a one-line question, I would have answered with one line: "It depends."

    It depends on whether he is good to you or not. It depends on whether you are good to him. It depends on whether there is happiness in the marriage. Etc. If he is good to you, and you get along well, then the feeling of being "in love" may not be necessary.

    I agree with Noorah that communication is the key. You need to determine whether or not the marriage is fulfilling your needs; and if not, how it can be repaired; and this is something that must be discussed with your husband.

  3. Assalamu alikum,

    • Mehraj, please register and write your question as a separate post and we will answer you in turn, thank you.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  4. My sweet wife loves me and says she love other also. Solve my problem

    • "A", please register and submit your question as a separate post, and give us more details about the situation. We will advise you in turn, Insha'Allah. However, we will not solve your problem. That is your job.

      Wael
      IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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