Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband drinks alcohol

"He spends his time drinking and at the bar with his friends"Question:

Hi, I'm an Indian married to a Pakistani..  I converted to Islam. We have been married 5 years but I never felt one day that mine and my husband's relationship would feel this way - like it's dead..  I think he is just using me to get his permanent stay..  I feel so sad sometimes, I cry most of the time. We have a daughter aged 3 years, I think he is planing to kidnap her from me soon as he gets his permanent visa.

I mean, I'm also always angry with him because he does not work or give me money..  He only likes going out with his freinds to a bar and drinking alcohol and looking at other women..  He calls me bad names when he is drunk which I cannot hear as it hurts me alot..  He has a kind heart but still I feel he is not the kind of man I was wishing for.

He does not even have interest in going to masjid to pray for the sake of our daughter..  I love to do it but as I converted no one teaches me anything about Islam..  I love to learn the Namaz but who will teach me. I'm in a big problem I have so many worries..  I worry about our finances, he does not have any responsibilities..  He just thinks about himself, drinking, swearing and doing bad.

I don't know what to do as I don't want to divorce for the sake of our child..  It's too much for me.

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I am very sorry to hear you are having these marital issues. First and foremost, alhamdulillah, it is a big blessing that you were guided to Islam, and no matter what happens, hold on to this with all your heart and you will be able to get through this and any other issue that comes up in your life.

It would help me to know what country you are in. You say you are an Indian and he is Pakistani, but are you living in the US? It seems this might be the case and you are a citizen of the US while he is a resident alien. Please follow up with us and correct me if I am wrong in this.

You have to be strong and act now, not just for your sake but for the sake of your daughter. You have to protect your Islam and also protect her if her father is not living as a Muslim. Know that if your husband has abandoned the prayer and continues to neglect it, then he has taken himself beyond the pale of Islam. If he is considered a non-believer due to this, then the ongoing validity of your marriage to him is in doubt, as it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to be married to a non-Muslim. So you see how serious this issue is.

As you are a convert and you do not have a strong Muslim family to back you up, you will have to turn to strong Muslim brothers in your local community to talk to your husband about this issue. You must talk to your Imaam and ask him to come to your house, or wherever he can meet your husband. The Imaam should discuss several topics: 1) the importance of the prayer 2) the absolute responsibility of the husband to work to provide income for his family 3) the fact that alcohol is forbidden in Islam 4) that Islam requires kind treatment of spouses and he is not allowed to verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse or neglect you. Even if he has a "kind heart", this heart is being blackened by bad deeds so much that the original man you married is all but lost to you.

You must take this action now, before the issue goes further. You are not required to work, rather your husband should work to support you, so you should tell him that he must get a job. Be firm on this and be willing to follow through by leaving, or by making him leave if he refuses. After all, as you are paying for everything, he has abdicated any leadership he might have once have. If there is a threat of physical violence, you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your daughter. You have to work on two tracks. You must work honestly and sincerely to try to save the marriage, but you must also develop an exit strategy if it becomes necessary for you to leave. You should also make sure he does not have a passport for your daughter and you should contact the State Department or whatever agency is in charge of making sure he cannot take her out of the country. You will have to be wise and strong in this, and the outcome is uncertain.

As with most complex issues in life, there is no easy answer to your questions. Even before you learn to pray, you can still supplicate to Allah and ask Him to help you in your native language. He will forgive any shortcomings in your practice of Islam as long as you are striving to learn and be a good Muslim. Remember that Islam was revealed over the course of 23 years and there is no such thing as "instant Muslim", so do what you can and inshAllah, God willing, you can learn more over time. As you get involved with your community, you can also make friends with Muslim women who can help you. Do not isolate yourself and try to hold the whole marriage up all by yourself.

I'm so sorry you are having a hard time learning your Islam. I am happy to consider you my sister in Islam and I can offer you some online links to good websites for learning about Islam:

http://www.islamway.com (click on the English tab to get it in English) They have tons of information including a flash player program on how to pray, including how to make the ritual ablution.

http://www.islamicity.com

http://www.islam-qa.com (this site is available in many languages, including English and Urdu)

You are also welcome to submit further questions or contact me directly for more information. I would be happy to help you in whatever way I can.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

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17 Responses »

  1. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I am very sorry to hear you are having these marital issues. First and foremost, alhamdulillah, it is a big blessing that you were guided to Islam, and no matter what happens, hold on to this with all your heart and you will be able to get through this and any other issue that comes up in your life.

    It would help me to know what country you are in. You say you are an Indian and he is Pakistani, but are you living in the US? It seems this might be the case and you are a citizen of the US while he is a resident alien. Please follow up with us and correct me if I am wrong in this.

    You have to be strong and act now, not just for your sake but for the sake of your daughter. You have to protect your Islam and also protect her if her father is not living as a Muslim. Know that if your husband has abandoned the prayer and continues to neglect it, then he has taken himself beyond the pale of Islam. If he is considered a non-believer due to this, then the ongoing validity of your marriage to him is in doubt, as it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to be married to a non-Muslim. So you see how serious this issue is.

    As you are a convert and you do not have a strong Muslim family to back you up, you will have to turn to strong Muslim brothers in your local community to talk to your husband about this issue. You must talk to your Imaam and ask him to come to your house, or wherever he can meet your husband. The Imaam should discuss several topics: 1) the importance of the prayer 2) the absolute responsibility of the husband to work to provide income for his family 3) the fact that alcohol is forbidden in Islam 4) that Islam requires kind treatment of spouses and he is not allowed to verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse or neglect you. Even if he has a "kind heart", this heart is being blackened by bad deeds so much that the original man you married is all but lost to you.

    You must take this action now, before the issue goes further. You are not required to work, rather your husband should work to support you, so you should tell him that he must get a job. Be firm on this and be willing to follow through by leaving, or by making him leave if he refuses. After all, as you are paying for everything, he has abdicated any leadership he might have once have. If there is a threat of physical violence, you must do whatever is necessary to protect yourself and your daughter. You have to work on two tracks. You must work honestly and sincerely to try to save the marriage, but you must also develop an exit strategy if it becomes necessary for you to leave. You should also make sure he does not have a passport for your daughter and you should contact the State Department or whatever agency is in charge of making sure he cannot take her out of the country. You will have to be wise and strong in this, and the outcome is uncertain.

    As with most complex issues in life, there is no easy answer to your questions. Even before you learn to pray, you can still supplicate to Allah and ask Him to help you in your native language. He will forgive any shortcomings in your practice of Islam as long as you are striving to learn and be a good Muslim. Remember that Islam was revealed over the course of 23 years and there is no such thing as "instant Muslim", so do what you can and inshAllah, God willing, you can learn more over time. As you get involved with your community, you can also make friends with Muslim women who can help you. Do not isolate yourself and try to hold the whole marriage up all by yourself.

    I'm so sorry you are having a hard time learning your Islam. I am happy to consider you my sister in Islam and I can offer you some online links to good websites for learning about Islam:

    http://www.islamway.com (click on the English tab to get it in English) They have tons of information including a flash player program on how to pray, including how to make the ritual ablution.

    http://www.islamicity.com

    http://www.islam-qa.com (this site is available in many languages, including English and Urdu)

    You are also welcome to submit further questions or contact me directly for more information. I would be happy to help you in whatever way I can.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • i agree with nuurah 110%.
      if this guy does not pray, have no intrest for islam whatsosever, then you should leave him straight away.

      you are not halaal for him and he is not halaal for you.

      the chance of him being a disbeliever is much greater than the chance of him being a muslim

  2. As-salamu alaykum,

    I agree with Sister Noorah that being guided to Islam is a great blessing and no matter what you must adhere to that.

    However, Sister Noorah, I think it's unjustified to imply that the husband may have become a non-believer. It's very important to distinguish between a sinful person who still believes in Allah in his heart, and someone who rejects the principles of Islam altogether. We cannot pronounce kufr (disbelief) on anyone on the basis of outward sins such as not praying, drinking, and other misguided acts etc. Otherwise we are condemning a good portion of the Muslim world.

    In my opinion the much more serious problems are your belief that he is just using you for a visa, and your fear that he will kidnap the child. If you truly believe these things to be true, then this is not a marriage, but a sham. It's a manipulation, devoid of sincerity. If that is the case, then why do you remain with him? Why not just divorce him? It sounds like you are the breadwinner in any case.

    You say he has a kind heart. That's very puzzling. Let's review:

    * he's using you to get a visa
    * he doesn't work
    * he goes to bars to drink and look at other women
    * he doesn't pray
    * he thinks only of himself
    * he calls you bad names and swears

    and all this adds up to a kind heart? There comes a point when you are simply deluding yourself.

    May Allah guide you and help you to find a way out of this difficulty.

  3. He is by all means a bad husband . Divorce him , this is the only advice I can give you . He can't take your daughter away from you . Let him look for someone else to give him visa . He was a bad choice from the beginning , you shouldn't have married him if you knew that he drinks alcohol .

  4. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I agree Wael that there are many layers to this issue. In regards to his falling into disbelief, I am not saying that I am calling him a disbeliever, for I would never say that about any particular person. However, it is clear that a person who has abandoned the prayer is in danger of being in kufr, disbelief, as Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him said:

    "Verily, between man and polytheism and disbelief is abandoning prayer." (Muslim)

    The scholars say that a person who has abandoned prayer out of lack of knowledge, or laziness, or depression or other situation, is in a state of kufr, but this is less than the "full kufr" of one who abandons the prayer because he feels that he does not need to pray or that it is not required of him as a Muslim. Separate from their marital issues, his soul is in a state of danger and he must be warned of this if he values his Islam. Truly Allah accepts repentance and this man can still repent to Allah and regain his faith if he is strongly advised by his brothers in Islam. InshAllah someone can make headway with him to help him realize his mistakes in his relationship with Allah and his relationship with his wife. And Allah knows best.

    fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah

  5. Salaam, sister it sounds like you may have depression - do you have evidence that he is planning to take your children? Are you positive that he used you for a visa? How long have you been crying all the time?
    Sometimes when we get depressed we imagine all sorts of bad things that arent really there. It is terrible that he is drinking - yes, this is bad, and it is a shame that he wont teach you - but you are able to learn Islam yourself right?
    The rest of what you say sounds like paranoia - you think he plans to kidnap children, or that he used you for a passport even when he has been with you for 5 years, is living with you and has a child with you - are you positive that you have evidence for these, or could it be that you are feeling so awful that everything seems much worse to you than it is.
    I would say see a doctor and explain to him your feelings, he may be able to refer you to a counsellor who can help you build strength and master feelings of weakness - and when you are strong and healthy and feeling good, then you will be able to have a positive affect on the situation around you. I say this only because I have been through depression myself and I recognise myself in your words.
    Peace,
    Leyla

  6. Assalamo ALaykom Warahmatullah wabarakatuhu. Sister , May ALLAH guide your husband to Islam. May he cause him to love ,support, and respect you and your daughter. I think you husband has dunya addictions . Here is the Dua if you want your husband to leave from his dunya addictions . Your husband is really in need of Shifa(healing) from ALLAH. Make dua always. Mention first the name of your husband and his the name of his mother like: Ya Allah! cure my husband( Abdullah son of Mariam) from his dunya or haram addictions. Then, Repeat this 11 times: (( Bismillahir rahmanir raheem. ALhamdulillahi rabbil 'Alamiyn.Laa ilaha illa anta, subhaanaka inniy kunto minazzaalimeyn.Allahumma salli, wa ba'rik wasallim alaa saydinaa Muhammadin, saydis Saaliheen, wa saydilmuwqineen, wa saydiz zaahidiyn.))Then recite or read 11 times this 2 verses from The Holy qur'an:((Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem. Sunnatallahil latiy qad khalat min qablu, wa lan tajidu lisunnatillahi tabdiylah.Wa huwal lajiy kaffa aydahum ankum wa aydiyakum anhum bibatni makkata min ba'hdi an adzfarakum alayhim, wa kaanallahu bimaa ta'hmalowna basiyrah.")) Then read or recite this salwat at least 11 times(( Allumma salli waba'rik wa sallim ala saydinaa Muhammadin, saydis saaliheen, wa saydil mowqineen, wa saydiz zaahideen.)) do it everday for atleast 41 days . ISend to me the name of your husband and the name of his mother so that i can pray to Allah to guide and remove the addidtions from your husband heart and soul: May ALLAH guide and heal your husband addictions from dunya and haram. May Allah help and protect you and your daughters from alla calamaties in this world. May he make you and your family enter enter his Jannah.

  7. Correction for the ayah (( walan tajida not wa lan tajidu)see Surah ALFathaa verse 23 and 24, Holy Qura'n and salawat(( Allahumma salli not Allumma.)

  8. staying with such a person will lead you and your daughter to hate the religion, if he doesn't change. the other thing that will happen is that you might lose some of your good qualities/personality traits because of a constant negative environment. if he does change, the only thong that can change him is the one who created him. pray and pray and cry and pray. if you are already nice to him, he might just start feeling bad and learn goodness by watching you. but ofcourse some people are so evil they just use goodness to get to their evil motives. he might learn den by watching you. you have freinds with good husbands? invite them over. talk about them like a little comment here and there. no sitting down and lecturing and comparing. take him to the imam, as this person might be able to help you with your troubles. the imam is the leadrer of the community. if you have a masjid around you, try to find who the imam is, and make an appointment.

  9. as-salamualaikum dear sister,
    i wanted add one more thing. i totally understand the feeling of not divorcing for the sake of your daughter.that is a huge sacrifice. i really do think that if a woman chooses to make such a sacrifice, then there must be conditions for that.
    1-if he is a kind father-doesn't hit, curse, yell at the kids. and he plays with them and loves them. love doesn't come from lip service, it comes from action.
    2-he doesn't physically abuse the mother
    3-he is a practicing muslim and takes his religion seriously- these type of people have more a chance of changing into better husbands and fathers because they do have love and fear of their creator in their heart. that fear and love might lead them to be afraid of mistreating and negleging the wife and kids. and sometimes our men don't know the duties and character of a muslim husband, and change once they learn them.
    sometimes we think we are sacrificing for the sake of our kids and actually we are harming them by keeping them with a father who will do nothing but harm them psychologically. a father who drinks, uses/abuses people doesn't deserve to have his kids live with him. this is totally irresponsible behavior and this shows lack of morals. what are the kids going to learn from such a father, except for bad things? how will they thrive when their mother is in so much psycological pain?
    islamalways.com is a great site. and do use the resources in your masjid and muslim community that can help you. i'm glad you shared your troubles. it is your right to go to the imam, a muslim counselor, or anybody else who you think can help you resolve your problems.

  10. assalamwalakum sister may allah help u and your daughter, since its a while that u posted this info about u! i hope everything is good please post how u are doing now, because i am almost in this same boat, the difference is i have 2 daughters (rehaman allah) and married to pakistani for 14yrs may allah help all the sister that are going though this take care and be strong .salamwalakum.

  11. I'm sorry about this sister
    But I guess he is not taking responsibility as the man of the house

    And over that he is an alcoholic, and that to not his hard earned money (consuming alcohol is bad) but yours

    But above all not offering Salah ( I'm also don't have a right to comment on his this bad habit coz I'm also very lenient regarding Salah )

    I guess if u have some contacts than u should find a job for him first coz it is said that AN EMPTY MIND IS , THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL
    If he gets a job his mind will be distracted and he would be in a position to support his family

    Regarding alcohol it needs time , any bad habit if u want to stop takes time so once he get a jobs work on his alcoholism

    Regarding understanding islam I think there are plenty of pious muslimah in uk which can guide u

    Regarding ur hubby Salah , hope he starts praying and so do me

  12. How about have patience, faith in Allah, remember Him, make dua to Him, have firm believe that He will listen to you and change your life & your husband for good? rather than divorce,
    if your patient & have faith in Allah, Allah will turn your life around. Trust Him...

  13. Mashallah, sister jameela, I like the comment u made, inshallah.

  14. Assalam. Sister as I read your story. I can only relate to isolated incidents that I have experienced. Our society today there is no really fine line anymore of religious ideals. I have experienced muslim women drunkards in my life. Some of these ladies have no relationship with their faith at all. Additionally some of them have been divorced etc. I firmly believe that all "negative" energy/behaviours are a result of our upbringing. Your husband instead of being alone decided to get married etc. Now he isn't fulfilling his duties etc. This is at times is a common theme in some marriages. Sister the fact that you embraced Islam was excellent. Allah swt is a God of mercy, hope, and salvation. Sister become strengthened in your faith and pray often. Also should you decide to divorce please seek the proper professional counseling required to move forward. Lastly due to the ordeal that you faced. I strongly recommend personal counseling. This due to the fact that if you decide to remarry. You will then accept and embrace that next gentleman with more love in your heart. I hope to all who read my message. Please remember me in your duas.

    Sincerely,

    Hasnain

  15. Dear all,
    Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim, Salaam Alaikum
    I read this post and follow up discussions as I too am in a situation very similar to the initial posting.
    However, as I read I get most disheartened, for I find very little compassion for either person.
    My husband is a good man, but he has gone astray, got lost, he says he fears none but Allah, and that I believe from him, but he needs help. He needs help from within the Islamic community.
    Alcoholism is a disease, yes he should never have had his first drink or his second or his third or his last one, but he has. So what now, 1) I abandon him, divorce him, pray, and find another husband because he is no longer muslim?
    or 2) I find a job for him, send him off out to it, and then he will sober up?
    or 3) I pray, follow the 41 days and the 11 times and all will be well, he will stop drinking, get a job, and 'they lived happily ever after.'
    Or perhaps I do a combination of all 3?
    Yes, I have choices to make for myself, for our children, and I am strong, and I am going for my own counselling through this, because to see someone you love waste the life given to them, to be in such a bad state that actually they have no control over themselves any more, to be so stuck that they cannot see the problem, is heartbreaking - but that is alcoholism, the effect of alcohol, and then to hide it and deny it, also part of alcoholism but compounded with shame because he fears the very real rejection and ostracism that I read in some of the replies above. I cannot forget that my husband is human, it could be me, it could be you, but with the grace of Allah we have not fallen in that way.
    Yes he needs healing - and perhaps this is a test of my faith, it sure feels like it.
    I was hoping to find that there is somewhere out there a support group where he could meet other muslims who have gone through this and survived.
    I live in London (UK) and know he is not alone, he has plenty of Islamic drinking etc. companions.
    If anyone knows of one please let me know, and if anyone is interested in forming such then I am very willing to get one started. There is a definite need.
    Please remember me in your duas.

  16. So sorry for that , but as a girl that maybe knws what she wants i won't stay with man like him i'm sorry but he jst don't knw what husband , father , means 😮 ,, look darling if u want to live nice , comfortable and happy life divorce . it's not the end of the world , i'm sure that ur daughter will knw someday why u did that ,, 🙂 , you are a strong woman , and u should believe in yourself 🙂 , fight for u and ur daughter , and use islam and quraan ,, at the end i jst want to say for u that god will be with u if u jst ask him :') .

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