Islamic marriage advice and family advice

I am Sunni Muslim and want to marry a Sunni Syed girl

"]shia sunni unity

As for those who divide their religion and break up Into sects, thou hast no part in them in the least: Their affair is with Allah: He will in the end Tell them the truth Of all that they did. [Al-Qur'an 6:159

Hi, I am a sunni guy and the one I love is a syed sunni girl. We both love each other and want to marry and live happy. We are very close to each other and truly love each other. We are together for more than 1 year now. When her mother came to know about our relationship and our wish to marry each other she refused because I am not a syed guy and was against us.

She cried alot and convinced but her mother is strict. For that reason she is staying away from me so that her mother does not know about us as it will create more problem but in her heart she loves me alot but she is not showing because of  her mother and she told me to wait for the time of marriage inshaallah Allah will unite us and I respect her decision and her mothers too as I met her family and I helped her family in every difficulty.

We are trying very hard and i myself is praying 5 times a day n praying that help us in this difficulty and reciting Quran. So that Allah may unite us and make her best for me and making me best for we both cannot live without eachother.

I did istekhara and the answer was to have sabr and again I did istekhara and it was the same. I am having sabr. But I cant let her go away from me or see her marrige with some one else. Is there any way or dua which can slove my problem and make her mother agree and unite me with my love. Please need help as I am really stressed.

I know Allah is testing me but now I am really tensed and stressed. I dont know what to do. please need help.


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10 Responses »

  1. Ufone, Asalaamualaykum,

    - Dating:
    All too often we recieve posts from writers on this website, complaining that their parents will not allow them to marry 'so and so' and that it is racism and prejudism, ageism or love of status etc - and many a time it is. But, and a very big 'but' before that is this: That if you and your girlfriend are so close to each other since one year as you say you are, then it is very likely that you are have crossed the boundaries of Islam and are sinning. Do you know that dating is forbidden? That includes hugging, spending unnecessary time together, lovey dovey talk etc. Please read this link:

    - Tawbah:
    So I urge you both to do tawbah for exceeding the limits set by Allah. Please see this link:

    - Prejudice in Islam and Marriage:
    Below is a short extract from the last sermon of our Rasool(sws):

    "All mankind is from Adam and Eve, an Arab has no superiority over a non-Arab nor a non-Arab has any superiority over an Arab; also a white has no superiority over black nor a black has any superiority over white except by piety and good action. Learn that every Muslim is a brother to every Muslim and that the Muslims constitute one brotherhood. Nothing shall be legitimate to a Muslim which belongs to a fellow Muslim unless it was given freely and willingly. Do not, therefore, do injustice to yourselves."

    There are a group of people who call themselves 'Syed' claiming to be descendants of Rasool(sws) - do they have proof of this? Due to this claim, they also believe they are somewhat superior to non-Syeds and hence are not allowed to marry anyone but a Syed. There is no basis for this whatsoever and it is a terrible innovation.

    - Istikhara:
    Repent, then maybe you will make more sense of your Istikhara and duas. We should always do Sabr, so I do not understand how you determined the result of your Istikhara. Please see this link on how to do Istikhara properly:

    So brother, insha'Allah, now you have both realised your errors and made tawbah. You will abstain from dating, you understand that no-one is better than anyone other than through righteousness and Allah alone is The Judge of that. Now with a clean and reformed heart, make dua to Allah(swt) and ask Him to give you the wife that is best for you in this life and in the next and to make you content with His Will. If you still wish to marry this girl, tell her to speak to her mother and inform her of what I have told you about the misconceptions held by the 'Syed' people. If she still does not understand, then ask a good Imam to go to her house and explain the stance on this or you can visit her with your parents too.

    In any case Brother, sort things out in your own mind first, improve your character and then present your proposal in the best manner possible. The last thing any parent wants to hear is that their daughter has been dating for a year. May Allah grant you both with wisdom and increase you all in knowlegde and taqwa.

    SisterZ Editor

    • I agree with everything SisterZ has said. I just want to echo that there is no caste system in Islam. This Syed / non-Syed distinction is artificial, as are the extended distinctions of Quraishis, Khans, Chaudhurys, etc, etc.

      Besides which, I suspect that the vast majority of those claiming to be "syed" are not, or cannot prove it. In any case, it's meaningless.

      A writer from Pakistan has mentioned that:

      "Its a socio-cultural taboo based on Hinduistic cultural imprints of caste system. This has been further complicated by confusing it with age old tradition of considering woman a tribal property. Her chastity was deemed violated even if she was married to a lower caste individual. Hence a Syed was made equivalent to Brahmin or Khashtri not in religious sense but in socio-cultural order to match contemporary Indian society. This act had silent veneration by then Muslim elite and Clergy. Therefore its a de facto / all-encompassing rule passed on to generations -- considered ethical, understood to all and sundry, having no validation whatsoever from Sharia Law."

      Personally I find it to be funny when people speak of having "Arab blood", "African blood", "Viking blood" or whatever. The components of blood are the same in everyone: red cells, white cells, platelets, and plasma. If you look at blood in a microscope you won't find any cells wearing a turban and thobe.

      Wael Editor

  2. Take note of the points and the advice from sisterZ above, but i must add, the mother knows of this relationship, and refuses your marriage proposal because your not syed or saiyed, of course the status of syed is in high regard among many, they are still equal to all of us, but respected highly due to their lineage, but if the mother believes only a syed is good enough for her daughter then note this :

    The daughter of the great syed family who refused you, dated a man for a year and most likely got intimate with him (holding hands is counted as intimacy aswel) and for this they answer, such lineage and she is being rather well ignorant so to speak.
    Now i mean no bad words to the girl, i merely used this examply to display her families hypocrisy in regards to this matter, they cant refuse your proposal on that matter, since they need to take a look in the mirror before dishing out the advice and status of marriage to syeds only.

    If sabr is the answer, then have faith brother, i mean thats pretty good outcome, its positive so you will get your girl, but Allah knows best, maybe it will take them time to adapt and accept the idea, no one knows so have sabr and live knowing she will come to you eventually.

    Best of luck brother, may Allah guide you and help you insha'Allah

  3. Salaam

    I totally agree with the advice u have been given its forbidden 2 date... But Theres a story a a muslim boy fell in love with a muslim girl and both loved eachorther very much and as soon as the boy found out he loved her he went 2 a Shaykh he sed 2 the Shaykh " i have fell in love with a girl and i know its wrong but what shall i do ? The Shaykh replied If u are sure this is love then i cannot stop you but u WILL come back 2 me
    so he did and told his parents his parents agreed and when he went back 2 the Shaykh he said My parents have agreed shall i get married the Shaykh replied yes. and the lived together for many years
    but they just met and got to know each orther and fell in love the did not hold hands no lovley talk and once they knew they had fell in love they did not contact each orther the boy just went straight to the Shaykh and then asked his parents and they the right time came.
    For now stay away from her and dont contact her Insha Allah the right time will come
    have faith
    Best of Luck
    Allah's Slave

  4. If marriage of a syed girl with non syed boy is not harram (as islam is all about masawaat) then why do our fathers n uncles not let their daughters get married to non syed boys even if they belong to good families (like awan{also decendents of hazrat Ali (r.a) and his second wife} , jadoon, qazi etc) as many of my cousins are above 30years of age and they are still unmarried only because all proposals came from non syed families. I myself am 23years old and till today all proposals came from nonsyed families. Nonsyed doctors, pilots, engineers, bank officers and what not, but my father is sticked to this point that i cant marry a non syed boy. Please someone tell me if no proposal ever come from a syed family will i remain unmarried like many of my cousins??? Is it justice????
    If its not so why our molvis, alamas and muftis announce any fatwahh upon this matter. Why syed men marry non syed women but dont let their sisters and daughters marry non syeds even if they die unmarried. Even my mother is a nonsyed but my father is very very strict about this matter. I am not asking this for myself. I am worried about all the girls who are still unmarried because of this syed/nonsyed issue. Please somebody help me in this. And if you know about any sunni molvi mufti alama sahab whom i can contact and ask about this issue please do inform me. I am typing this with tears in my eyes because i feel so sad when i see many of my aunts and cousins who had dreams of a life partner in their eyes but they are greying their hair in waiting for their dreams to fulfill. Please answer my questions and help me.... A message from a syed daughter who seeks justice for many syed girls who are growing old without getting married

    • Think about it this on earth did non-Arabs become "Syed" if Syeds didn't marry non-Syeds?

    • Sister marriage is your right so ask your father about this matter clearly......I am also from syed family and same thing is going on here....I am a boy but I feel sad for those girls who can't marry according to their will.

    • As long the parties are Sunni Muslims they can wed despite social or class/distinctions. It leads to greater sins when parents become uncompromising. Waiting daughters with greying hair and youth that is fast diminishing can be source of major sin for the parent/s who think the girl is their property. A girl has the right to say yes or no to any proposal. There are umpteen references in fatawa databases. Today's conditions are terrible and can lead to serious trouble if a daughter rebels. May Allah protect our daughters, and give taufeeq to parents to face realities. Ulama should under no circumstances delay replies to questions.

    • Same situation is here sis...
      M also so tensed about it...
      Ky aisa kio he?... kio nai aik syed girl non syed biys sy shadi ker sakti ?

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