I love my cousin, but I don’t know if he feels the same.
“O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted.”
For as long as I can remember, I've been very close with my cousin. We'd see each other once a year or every second year at family reunions since we're on two different continents. For a few years, we lost touch, but regained contact when I was 17 through social networking and MSN. We've become each other's life coaches and good sources of motivation for one another since then and although everyone in my family pokes fun at our close relationship, I wasn't having any of that. I couldn't accept the idea of getting married to my cousin and I made it clear that we were just close cousins, and I sincerely meant what I said. I know it's allowed in Islam and it is also accepted in my culture, but I've always voiced it to everyone in my family that it wasn't going down like that between him & I (a few of my relatives married their cousins, so it's somewhat of a norm in my family).
I have lessened the amount of times I speak to him lately and do not speak to him unless it's important. I've prayed Istikhara and I feel like I haven't received an answer yet. I have recurring dreams where he visits my house along with his mother, but I don't know what that's supposed to mean. I am contemplating telling my mother how I feel and asking for her advice, but I'm not sure if this is the right time. We are both still in professional schools and aren't financially ready for marriage, but that's a bit far-sighted to be thinking about because I still don't know what's going on in his mind. I suspect that he feels the same way but is either afraid of what I might think, or knows that this isn't the right time. I just feel as though he's the right one for me, but I don't want to invest my thoughts into something where he might one day come and introduce me to his fiancee (I might just go into depression if that happens). I've never felt this way about someone and I don't like how this is taking over my life, please advise me.
-sisi
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Assalamu alaykum, Sister Sisi,
The fact here is that you shouldn´t be feeling this way, you are in love, you have been feeding the closeness to your cousin more than appropiate, I don´t agree with cousin marriages, but assuming that in some cultures is so common, you should think about him as a non mahram, then if we begin from here, you shouldn´t have those intimate conversations with him.
The problem is that you are already in love, and now that you are suffering you have realized you are doing something wrong, Alhamdulillah.
Solutions, you are being well guided, Alhamdulillah, repent from your actions due to your ignorance, stop contact with him, I would say all contact, because in your inlove stage you can create situations where it is very important to contact him, then do it through your mum if it is so important. Get close to Allah(swt) (Salat, Quran, Dikhr, Dua,...). Finish your studies. Get closer to your own family and yes what is stopping you from talking to your mum? You were ignorant, you are not anymore, Alhamdulillah.
Now that you know what is going on, stop thinking about falling in depression if he marries, if he marries be happy for him if you love him so much and at the right time, if he doesn´t marry, he is interested in you, and he is straight, he will approach your family to propose for you, but while you daydream about him, you are not living here and now, you are just somewhere else in an inexistent, projected future. The way to create the best future for you, it is to live here and now trying to be your best, breath by breath, this will take you by the hand to the best future for you, insha´Allah.
On top of the page you have a link on Istikhara, you will learn about it, as far as I know, you are asking about a situation that doesn´t exist, he hasn´t proposed, he is in your life as a family member, then I understand you haven´t received any guidance about it.
My main message to you is to Live Here and Now, focusing on Allah(swt), get closer to Allah(swt) He(swt) has all the answers, Alhamdulillah.
Allah (swt) knows best.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister i dont no how you are related but get your parent who is related to his to ask what they think of the idea of you two getting married and see what happen's if its meant to be than khayr other wise move on and live your life, i myself think that you should look outside your family and just think of your cousin as the childhood friend's you were in the last.
I totally agree with zenaa if you dont tell your family they wont know. If families do not agree let let go of each other and look outside may also be another option for you. Wish you the best and hope inshallah your dreams come true ameen w/slaams.
i meant past 🙂
hello hmmm well my opion is if you like somone and hes a relative and hes well educated and a good guy you should talk to your family about it and agree to it .. trust me you dont want to regret one day when you end up getting someone else when you have feelings for your cousin .. it has happened several times to families in your situation .. dont think to much if your happy and hes happy why not be life partners inshallah you will see happiness wish you gud luck 🙂
Assalaamualaikum sister,
I fell in love with my distant cousin and I still am in love with my cousin unfortunately. I say unfortunately because I made the biggest mistake, which was going against the teachings of Islam and getting close to her. Islam has warned us to stay away from free-mixing, as the saytan will certainly jump in to tempt you into taking things further. Regrettably I did fall into the Saytans temptations, to which I can only repent to Allah (SWT) for my sins. We had a fairly long relationship (astaghfirullah), and it all came to an end with her breaking up with me for reasons I wouldn't be sharing online. Unfortunately, it didn't end very nicely, we didn't just part peacefully; her family got involved and it became a very difficult time for me. She had lied to her family and had made false accusations against me. I wasn't able to back myself, as I wasn't given a fair chance to speak. I was cornered and ambused if you like. No punches were thrown by the way. I know things can never get back to the way I would have liked to. But I take it as a punishment for my actions. The accusations, the heartbreak, the torment, and having me in silence is what I see as a punishment. If I had been following the teachings properly, I would never have got into this mess, and so things would have been different and I certainly would have a chance to ask for her hand in marriage. The thing is, I can only wish I could go back in time, so I can tell myself not to have any contact with her and rather wait till I get older to ask her family for her hand in marriage. Now I live in silence, a broken-heart, in embarrasment (in front of Allah (SWT), my family and hers) and in regret. I urge you to stay strong and remember that Allah is always watching what you are doing. You must not forget that this duniya is temporary and it is a test; you do not know how long you will be in this duniya. So take your time in this duniya to please only Allah (SWT). Don't forget the teachings of Islam, as the teachings of Islam is there to help you and keep you safe in this duniya. In order for you to stay away from the temptations that they Saytan will construct for you, you must ensure that you have no contact with him. And as someone has already mentioned earlier, get closer to Allah (SWT) by praying, dhikr, dua, recitation of the Quran, fasting etc and get closer to your family. InshaAllah you don't fall into the same trap as I did. Good luck with your future inshaAllah.
salaamualaykum.
may Allaah uplift your burden, sadness.
you are making a situation which is not harder, harder than it is.
if your cousin marries another woman, and you want him so much, then there is no reaon why he cant take you as his second wife.
and if you feel you cannot handle sharing a man, then let him go and he happy for him.
but since you seem to yearn for him, even if he marries, he can also marry you as well.
oh man thats the same story with me but difference is that i am a boy
but i will never propose her i will bless her for his future.
my story is the same it is just that I am secretly crazy in love my cousin and my family always saying how when we were younger he was so passionate about his love for me and now that we are older (I'm 12 and he is turning 17) that if we weren't cousins we would be a couple and then later this year my mom told me that his dad was adopted. And we saw them again this year (we see them every year or 2 years because he lives in Boston and I live in Athens and they come to Naxos every year) and he always kisses me on the cheek and says 'kiss me kiss me' (as a joke) but I do not know if he is serious cuz he actually tried to kiss me. Anyways I'm not sure if I should tell him or not (but he is those kinds of boys who thinks that they are a player) and if I tell him it might ruin our relationships as friends and cousins.
Does anyone have to advise?
Although you're too small to be thinking about this stuff, it is natural because once you attain puberty, you start feeling sexual desires for the opposite gender. You may tell your mother about your feelings for this guy and tell her what is the Islamic way of going about it. See and share her reaction. Never get close to him. You will fall into sin. And read up Islamic material on how we should interact with the opposite gender.