Need help finding a second wife
As-salamu alaykum,
I am Muslim and live in a very tolerant Latin American country of various religions but where there are very few Muslims. At this point in my life I want to have a second wife, but it is hard to find one where I live because the majority are Christian and are not used to polygamy. I also desire a good Muslim woman. Can someone help me with ideas to solve this problem?
-pvintimilla
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AsSalaamu Alaikum Brother,
I don't know how to help you, but I think you should try any Islamic matrimonial websites, like http://www.zawaj.com
May Allah help you brother
Brother,
I don't see this as a problem. You already have a wife and you want another wife. To be honest these days not many muslim women want to be in a polygamous marriage. Most women want their husbands all to themselves! I don't blame them, me being a women and all. But never the less there are good muslim women who are either divirced or widowed or a bit older willing to be a second wife. You can probably ask the imam at a local mosque if there are any such women who are in need of support and all marriage sites.
I don't know what your reasons are for second marriage but brother please consider your wifes feelings as polygamy is one of these things that are really heartbreaking for the women. She has to phisically and emotionally share you with another women. She may feel that she is inadequate and lacking in something then might lose all self worth and confidence. Please be open with your wife and don't go behind her back.
Also remember you will have to treat them equally on all aspects and pay all the bills for both households. You have to give equal time and time to children etc etc. Polygamy can be very messy if you do not do justice to all the wives. I have seen many polygamous marriages which have given grief to all parties.
assalamu alaikum
brother..let be real here. there are TOO many single muslim brothers for women to settle for a man that already has a wife.. and unless you are some rich sheikh..it really isnt beneficial to the woman..and alot of women including muslim women prfer to not be married at all than to share.. i am a second wife and to be honest..if i had another chance i WOULD NOT have chosen this..i just have five kids and so once they get older i may leave it.
do you think you REALLY CAN AFFORD THIS? 2 homes, all educations for children , all cars, equal value cars etc.. all LIVING expenses..
i hope you are talking this through with your current wife because if it was behind my back and /or i didnt like the idea and you chose to do another wife i would divorce you. REMEMBER .you wife doesnt have to accept IT.
DONT destroy one marriage for another..tread wisely.
I agree. I'm looking for one wife - I'm hardly inclined to help the brother find a second. Maybe that's selfish of me, but that's how I feel.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I don't think that is selfish at all. It's just it is not easy to find a second wife and some of the people I have read about that had a second wife (warning: this is not in all cases, just the ones I read on this site) was because they had some sort of attachment to each other before he married his first wife and even then his first wife did not want that. And to have a good Muslim wife as well may make it even harder to find but only Allah knows.
Just give Allah dua for Him to make it easy for you (and for you too brother Wael).
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Both polygamy and monogamy are good in Islam, however, your advice is spot on.
Brother who is looking for a second wife, consulting with other Muslims is a sunnah which you have just done, and thus, you should accept the advise of the majority of commentators here.
I have to put in a response to the brother with the question. Most people find polygamy instinctively abhorrent and unnatural even though it existed in the prophet's time within the Arab culture and previously in history as well. Also, males and females are born roughly 50/50 throughout all time with slightly more males born. And, the basic unit of humanity is Adam and Eve, a male and female pair. Not Adam and Steve. Not Adam and Eve and Nancy and Farhana.
In the time of the prophet, as we all know, there were reasons he married several women within that particular culture and time and Allah made it permissible for them. It was a form of tribal caretaking especially in light of all the men killed in battles leaving women and children alone.
HOWEVER - brothers you are not the prophet. That's point number one.
Number two: Ask yourselves this question. WHY ARE YOU GETTING A SECOND WIFE? Nevermind that many brothers doing this are going against the first wife's consent or forcing her or even hiding it.
Here's the thing. Is your second wife an older, or divorced with kids lady?? If yes, then your hearts are good because you are doing this out of pure motives to care for these ladies.
Here's the problem - many of you brothers are looking for younger second wives or wishing to marry someone for love or lust. Is that okay when you already have a wife? Is that equal treatment? Even the prophet himself had a favourite amongst his wives (post Khadijah) and it was not easy on him having those marriages.
Brothers, in today's societies there is almost NO reason for any of you to marry additional wives, especially when you are doing it for wrong and impure reasons. Also it hurts your first wives. Also it is greedy and takes away those younger and never married sisters from the single men. Right now in the world there are slightly more males than females - even accounting for the larger groups of elder ladies who are alone as their men were killed in World War I and II as well as other wars. So, which of you married brothers is willing to marry these elder ladies who are alone and without companionship?
Your answer will show your true motives my brothers.
Assalamuallaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Be careful of what you say:
"Most people find polygamy instinctively abhorrent and unnatural even though it existed in the prophet's time within the Arab culture and previously in history as well. Also, males and females are born roughly 50/50 throughout all time with slightly more males born"
Most people are disbelievers. Polygamy exists today in other cultures as well. No Muslim has the right to abhor it. In Jannah, a man will have more than one wife.
However, you are correct about the ratio. Normally, it's 105 males born to every 100 females. However, usually I think, historically and even today males died more so the number of females eventually outnumbered males.
Brother Do you have daleel for that saying because people in Jannah will have whatever they desire and not many woman to desire to share their husband.
You can't make assumptions
If there is proper hadith talking about every man having more Than one wife in jannah than state it.
Jannah is where everyone will have what their nafs desires, allahu a'alam if women themselves can have more than one husband in Jannah if they desire. Jannah isn't like this dunya . So leave having opinions to the scholars
It's not my opinion, it's the opinion of the Prophet sallahualayhiwasalam, the Sahaba and the Salaf and the rest of the scholars.....
Anyways, to end confusion and not get into a debate,
«يُعْطَى الْمُؤْمِنُ فِي الْجَنَّةِ قُوَّةَ كَذَا وَكَذَا فِي النِّسَاء»
(In Paradise, the believer will be given such and such strength for women.) Anas said, "I asked, `O Allah's Messenger! Will one be able to do that' He said,
«يُعْطَى قُوَّةَ مِائَة»
(He will be given the strength of a hundred (men).)'' At-Tirmidhi also recorded it and said, "Sahih Gharib.'' Abu Al-Qasim At-Tabarani recorded that Abu Hurayrah said that the Messenger of Allah was asked, "O Allah's Messenger! Will we have sexual intercourse with our wives in Paradise'' He said,
«إِنَّ الرَّجُلَ لَيَصِلُ فِي الْيَوْمِ إِلَى مِائَةِ عَذْرَاء»
(The man will be able to have sexual intercourse with a hundred virgins in one day.) Al-Hafiz Abu `Abdullah Al-Maqdisi said, "In my view, this Hadith meets the criteria of the Sahih, and Allah knows best.''
And there are plenty of other hadith of the like which confirm that a man has more than one wife, many wives in fact who are created especially beautiful from the Hur al Ayn as a reward for his good deeds.
Oh, and brother who posted the original question, don't worry about having a second wife here, if you are admitted into Jannah you will be given many, many wives, and even as Ibn Al-Qayyim, mentioned, I remember from athar, slave girls in Jannah. So just treat the wife you have now really well so you get get to Jannah and have more than a second wife. Other brothers like Wael and myself are single and hoping to get married someday so please leave slots open for us(smile.)
Salaams,
The hadith you gave seem to only indicate what a man will be capable of. To me it's not specifically saying that a man WILL in fact have sex with 100 virgins a day. It doesn't say how many women he would be with per se, and it could even be taken to mean that because of the stamina he will have then he might even have sex with his one wife 100 times a day. You said there were other hadith which state specifically that a man WILL have more than one wife in Jannah, perhaps you can share those?
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Jazakhallahu khair for the Hadith
However jannah is where every mumin earns what they worked for and desire and
Some women may desire to be the only woman to their husband or even have more than one husband so Allahu a'alam what reward he gives to his female servants
I don't know any Hadith mentioning the specific reward for women but I trust Allah will not test his servants in Jannah
But allahu a'alam
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
I don't like this attitude because I think it is taking the conversation in the wrong way. Yes, there is more than one hadith on how a man gets multiple wives and the apparent meaning of this one is that he gets at least a hundred in a day. A hadith I posted below makes that explicit. By pinpointing a single linguistic nuance, I think it is troubling that you are falling into the same trap of those before you.
Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The hairsplitters have been destroyed.” He said it three times.
Source: Sahih Muslim 2670
Grade: Sahih (authentic) according to Imam Muslim
عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ هَلَكَ الْمُتَنَطِّعُونَ قَالَهَا ثَلَاثًا
2670 صحيح مسلم كِتَاب الْعِلْمِ بَاب هَلَكَ الْمُتَنَطِّعُونَ
The overwhelming evidence, and the consensus of all Muslims, is that a man will have Hur al Ayn as a reward in Jannah.
Here are some more since you asked:
Abu Na’eem narrated in Sifat al-Jannah from Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “A man will go to one hundred virgins in one day – i.e., in Paradise.” Classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah, 367.
It was narrated from Abu Sa’eed al-Khudri that the Messenger of Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The lowest of the people of Paradise in status will be a man whose face Allaah will turn away from the Fire towards Paradise, and make a shady tree appear before him. … Then he will enter his house and his two wives from among al-hoor al-‘iyn will enter after him. They will say: ‘Praise be to Allah Who has created you for us and us for you.’ And he will say: ‘No one has been given the like of that which I have been given.’” Narrated by Muslim, 188.
Since the very lowest of people gets two wives, what about those higher?
‘Abd-Allaah ibn Mas’ood and Ibn ‘Abbaas (mayAllaah be pleased with them both), and Sa’eed ibn al-Musayyib, ‘Ikrimah, al-Hasan, Qutaadah, al-A’mash, Sulaymaan al-Taymi and al-Oozaa’i said concerning the aayaah (interpretation of the meaning),
“Verily, the dwellers of Paradise, that Day, will be busy in joyful things” [Yaa-Seen 36:55]
they said, (it means) they will be busy deflowering virgins. Ibn ‘Abbaas (may Allaah be pleased with him) said, according to a report narrated from him, that “busy in joyful things” means listening to stringed instruments. Abu Haatim said: he misheard the phrase iftidaad al-abkaar (deflowering virgins) and thought it was samaa’ al-awtaar (listening to stringed instruments). In fact the correct phrase is iftidaad al-abkaar (deflowering virgins). (Ibn Katheer, 3/564)
http://islamqa.info/en/60188
http://islamqa.info/en/25843
Also, Servant of Allah, we need to take things into context and not ask questions. I don't know if you're suggesting that a wife will be able to deprive her husband of more than one wife-I would rather multiple wives for myself than one! And I certainly wouldn't stay with a woman who wanted another husband-my wife can go ahead and leave me in that case! And there is no evidence I'll be forced to stick with a wife who wants me alone, or wants another husband. However, rest assured, Allah will not cause anyone to suffer in Jannah.
Note: I am not saying a woman can't have a husband to herself or more than one husband. I'm saying, there is nothing in the Quran or Sunnah which suggests that I would have to remain with such a woman-because I want my wives to be for me alone and no other man, and also I want multiple wives. This is promised to me in the Quran and Sunnah if I am admitted into Paradise. The Quran and Sunnah are silent on the matter of a woman having a husband to herself alone or multiple husbands however, as Allah aza wa jal says,
نَحْنُ أَوْلِيَاؤُكُمْ فِي الْحَيَاةِ الدُّنْيَا وَفِي الْآخِرَةِ ۖ وَلَكُمْ فِيهَا مَا تَشْتَهِي أَنفُسُكُمْ وَلَكُمْ فِيهَا مَا تَدَّعُونَ
We were your allies in the worldly life and in the Hereafter. And you will have therein whatever your souls desire, and you will have therein whatever you request
So please, Amy and Servant of Allah, rest assured and lets focus on having Iman and correct/correcting deeds.
I just really don't understand this. We always blame the non muslims for being lewd and always thinking about sex and women their women being displayed as sex objects etc etc. I find it disgusting for women to be seen as an entertainment device for men.
BUT... Then again this is exactly what the muslim men desire too!! They want as many women as they can get in the world and more women in the hereafter! is this mens ultimate desire just sex!
I mean when I got married I so my husband as a friend a lifelong companian a soul mate . Someone to love and recieve love back from . Not an entertainment object! But when he cheated on me I felt like dying because I can't even stand him to even look at another women, same as men do not want their wife to look at other men. Does the wife not have the right to have her husband all to herself?
And what about parents, children? doesnt that matter in Jannah.? I would just be happy with a husband who only had eyes for ME and just loved ME and no other women. I really don't understand men! Or is it because I'm a women? " C
"Does the wife not have the right to have her husband all to herself?"
Well.....no, hence the title of this page, "Need help looking for a second wife"
For men it is allowed.
Also, the sin may be the same, but men will usually get far more enraged if their wife looks at another man then their wife will if they look at another woman. This is universal.....the reality is, we have been created differently.
Every society engages in polygamy in one form or another. In the West it's common for married men to have mistresses. At least in Islam it is legalized.
Let's not get into a debate about what will or won't happen in Jannah. Allah knows. I've seen such debates rage on for hundreds of comments.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I agree with Brother Wael about societies and also Jannah.
Only Allah knows about Jannah. Do people really believe that Jannah is all about virgins and sex???
About societies - women are as "polygamous" as men throughout history, but they hide it more because the social costs are higher. Some "dating" women are involved with married men, some have affairs on their boyfriends or husbands, and there are far more married women having behind the scenes liaisons than we are aware.
Regardless of cultural practices, the male and female is a UNIT created by Allah and existing in nature (Allah's creation) in equal ratio. In the "free love" communes of the "hippie generation" people still tended to fall into male-female pairs. While polygamy, affairs, illicit relations have existed throughout human history have not the MAJORITY of human populations been in male-female pairs? Even today?
Why is it that we INTERPRET the scriptures of the Quran and Sunnah to today's society i.e. we do not condone having slaves or killing disbelievers but when it comes to polygamy for men - it becomes almost mandated?
When I read "Al-Nisa" with regard to marrying up to 4 women, it appears to be talking about orphans, slave women, and others in need with many injunctions to be FAIR to the women and orphans. Therefore this polygamy seems to be for charity only.
And the first paragraph of "Al-Nisa" is (note words in bold):
"O you people! Take as a shield your Lord who created you from a single being. And from the same stock (from which He created the man) He created his spouse, and through them BOTH He caused to spread a large number of men and women. O people! Regard Allah with reverence in Whose name you appeal to one another, and (be regardful to) the ties of relationship (PARTICULARLY FROM THE FEMALE SIDE). Verily, Allah ever keeps watch over you."
Well, if I was a man and I wanted to marry more than one wife - I would be very, very careful. I would not do such a thing. And I would consider the companions of the prophet in a different league than myself.
Assalamualaikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh
Only Allah knows about Jannah. Do people really believe that Jannah is all about virgins and sex???
Yes, only Allah knows about Jannah, and only he and his slave and Messenger could have informed us about the virgins who are a reward for the Muslims. Please do not imply that the consensus on Hur al Ayn may be false as it distracts from the OP and the point of this page...minor points may be corrected however it is incredibly frustrating if it moves beyond 1-2 comments.
And you are correct about marrying up to four wives in that it is not mandatory. It might be good for some and bad for others.
The rest of the commentators here have basically agreed with the advise that this brother probably should not be seeking a second wife.
However it is dangerous and especially frustrating if you, or anyone else brings his/her own tafsir of an ayah because then I have to correct it and the purpose of this page is to help a brother out, not correct misconceptions.
When I read "Al-Nisa" with regard to marrying up to 4 women, it appears to be talking about orphans, slave women, and others in need with many injunctions to be FAIR to the women and orphans. Therefore this polygamy seems to be for charity only.
It's an agreed consensus by all the scholars that there is nothing wrong in having up to four wives, and the reasons for this may vary. Polygamy is not only for charity.
Sheikh Salman al Oudah explains the misconception here:
http://en.islamtoday.net/node/1577
O yeah? I need help finding my first!
Lol! Thats so true many people are having so much problems just to find one wife! There are men women who are nearly in their 40's still looking for just that one companian!
Yeah, this reminds me of this quote I recently came across:
"You want 4 wives when you can't handle 5 prayers? Concentrate on your Fard then think about the Sunnah."
I know it's technically flawed, but the message is well conveyed. Lol.
I'm married and i'm not too keen on sharing my husband but I think given the guy's very normal question, we should assume about him that he is able to afford or remind him gently but to jump down his throat and say 'i cant help you because i need one myself' is rather immature.
You go to someone to ask them help in finding a job and they say sorry 'i dont have one. so i cant help you'. Is this what islam teaches? 🙂 nope.
Every person's rizq is for him or her only. The reward is like the action itself so if we help someone find a first or second or third wife knowing some background about the person themselves ofcourse for the sake of prudence, perhaps Allah will bless us too.
Also, if you have nothing concrete you can do to help, say a good word AND STOP.
I reallly didn't expect this type of adab from the editor of the site themselves.
Dear Sister:
The flaw in the example of "finding a job" is that if a person ALREADY has a job then why should they take a second job that someone WITHOUT a job needs? If someone already has money do we give our charity money to him/her or do we give it to the person without money? What was the reasoning behind multiple wives? In tribal societies there were excess women and their children abandoned because of battles so taking extra wives was a CHARITY. In today's society of excess men - taking multiple wives is taking women away from the men without wives - which is not charity but immoral greed. Additionally, as Muslims we are asked to abide by the laws of the countries we live in and it is illegal to practice polygamy in most countries.
Brother Wael is one of the many amazing editors on this site and just gave a sincere and true response. His comment was an expression of the challenge of looking for ONE wife, not a judgement on the brother with the question.
Good answer.
It's odd and amazing that lay Muslims come on this site and pass a fatwa/ruling that finding a second wife is wrong because its being greedy.
May Allah guide us all. May Allah give us tawfeeq to know our limits.
Please for the benefit of everyone here, can you show us any fatwa where a scholar of ahlul sunnah says that marrying a second wife is impermissible because it is akin to greed?
My dear brother you must not be aware that our muslim world is FULL of widows with children.
Dear Sister,
No one said it is 'impermissible,' rather everyone is trying to implicitly discourage him by bringing forth points that they believe he may not have considered before deciding upon marrying a second wife.
It is wrong to say that the ruling of marrying four is now mansookh, absolutely not. But even when Allah says in the Qur'an about permitting it, he does not complete the sentence without a stern warning of being 'just.' And all the arguments here lay back on forth on the concept of 'justice' itself. Many Muslims, who are simply overtaken by lust and temporary slacks in their marriage, consider this permissibility as an obligation upon themselves.
Yes, there are many divorced sisters out there - but the OP did not mention anything about the kind of of woman he is looking for - and i think it can be assumed that he is looking for an unmarried virgin. He will have to clarify his intention here. Other than that, I feel, no one here has asked him to stop from marrying a widow. He can go ahead and do it if he feels he can be 'just.' But again, not by assuming that because she is a widow, he is doing a favor upon her.
And Allah knows best.
Salaams,
I don't think those who say that are trying to issue a fatwa as much as they are just sharing their personal thoughts on the matter. If you think about it, there are many halal things that can be used by someone greedily. Food and wealth come to mind.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
We are forgetting a very important point. Jannah is where everyone will be satisfied and happy. The way a woman feels for her husband, or a man feels for his wife - is their innate feeling that is her primary characteristic as Allah made them. It is something instilled by Allah in man.
If it is so that a man does have multiple wives in Jannah - how difficult is it for Allah to make the wife be completely alright with that fact?
Let's take an example - i don't like fish a lot. I eat only a very few varieties. Now the first food we are going to get in Jannah is fish. So, I must be worried now, as to what will I do, i'm probably going to spend first day hungry? LOL. Get the point - Allah will make you like the 'nizam' of Jannah, even if it clashes with your feelings and beliefs in this world. Trust Allah that He will keep every man and woman happy. And do not worry about the ifs and whats.
(Personally, I too do feel, i'd like to experience Jannah with just the wife of this world that I may have.)
But Allah knows best.
Thanks brother Saud Ahmed. That makes sense. Allah can surely change our feelings and emotions, i.e make us desire what we hate and hate what we desire. But the world is different.
I get the impression that Brother Mahmud does not understand people's emotions, especially a women's. We are not robots with no feelings. Only Allah knows how enraged I was when my husband looks at other women! To the point of suicide. So emotions are same for both. In this world I would always want a monogomous marriage.
Its nice to know their are brothers like Saud Ahmed who feel the same i.e one men and one women. I think if I were to marry again I should take a man's approach and only see the husband as an object and emotionally detach myself from him and just use him for money and protection, children etc etc. So that way I will not feel the agonising pain when he does not love me back or he looks at other women or wants polygamy!
Thanks. So now you know you have to pray for me so i get my first and last (INSHAALLAH). Hehe.
And no, don't change your approach, it will ruin all the fun. Always take everything up with 'husn-e-zehni' i.e. 'beautiful intentions.' And Allah will reward you by granting you abundant blessings in it.
Brother r u cheating ur wife or she has permitted u to have a second partner?
U should atleast forward reasons to get beneficial responses