Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Love, Marriage and Reverting to Islam

choosing Islam


I have been looking all over for help with my problem/concern. I know there are other questions similar to mine, but I would like to get some answers specific to my own situation. With that being said, here is my situation:

I am a recent university graduate who is moving to Thailand in a few weeks and I am contemplating reversion to Islam (I was never Muslim but I have read that any convert is really just reverting because everyone belongs to Islam.). I feel that I am pretty well read and I've studied several different religious/spiritual paths. Islam, to me, feels right.

Up until now, I feel a lot of regret and sadness for the sins I've committed. Sometimes I just sit and cry because of them. A Muslim friend of mine told me that when I convert/revert that all of my sins are forgiven. However, forgetting them is a different story; especially when I meet other Muslim women. The guilt is lingering. I haven't recited my Shahada yet, but that's coming soon when I have researched and practiced for a while. Right now, I don't feel suitable, so I want to practice. I feel like Islam is in my blood, because my family ancestry is Iranian on my dad's side and Afrikan on my mom's. I feel like I'm on a journey to return home.

Is there anyone (woman) who can mentor me or give me more resources? I have only a week and a half left in the U.S. and I don't have much transportation so I don't think I can find a Mosque with resources near me.

This brings me to my real question. Islam was introduced to me in the form of the man that I am now in love with. Our relationship started out VERY haram. But one morning I watched him performing Salat and felt something in my heart. Anyway, I began to not only fall for Islam but for this young man, too. Don't judge him too quickly, because he has a big, caring heart. People make mistakes and I really want him to return to his path as a Muslim man and back to Allah. He gets so excited when I talk about Islam and when I ask him questions, but he says he wants me to convert for myself and not because I want to be with him (and I am converting for myself). I want to know how I can help him, as a new/non-muslim in going back. I have no knowledge of the Qu'ran and I don't even know all of the rules. We have had relations and he smokes. But I am trying to live the right way and I want him to, as well.

So, I met his mother and sisters over the summer and recently he, finally, told his father about us. I am aware that his parents have been offering to match him with different women to be his wife but he has refused and asked for my hand instead. His father told him that he would ask his grandmother. So now I am waiting for the answer. My boyfriend says even if they say no he won't give up, but what if they say no? What can my boyfriend say to convince them?

Inshallah, going to Thailand will strengthen our relationship with each other and most importantly with Allah because we will not be engaging in haram behaviors with each other. I want to pray to Allah for peace of mind and forgiveness and to let things go the right way. But I don't know how. Is it okay to just pray the way I know how since I don't know how to do Salat?

Please help and tell me what you think.


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5 Responses »

  1. His father told him that he would ask his grandmother. So now I am waiting for the answer.

    Just seems like a delaying tactic to me. It is parents who have to make a decision. i am sure your b/f did not ask his parents before doing haram things with you. welcome to islam.

    • i know its always better 2 get blessings from both families... but hes not exactly obligated to ask his parents permission. Its respectful and favorable, yes, but not necessary. so with that said, not sure what the deal is with getting grandma involved. id have to agree thats its a delaying tactic. if it took this long to finally tell his parents about u and essentially stop hiding u, its becuase he knows there will b disapproval and resistance. so when ur bf says that he wont give up even if his family says "no," know that he is fully capable to make it happen if he really wishes (and of course if Allah wills it). also really noble of u to want to help steer this relationship in the right direction... but if u really wanna go about it the right way, know that any "bf/gf" relationship in islam is considered haram to begin with.

      as with prayers, know that every tiny effort u make in learning salat, counts BIG time in the eyes of Allah. every difficulty, every syllable uttered, will amount to pleasing Allah. so give it a try! if all else fails, then just talk to Him in your own words... because He knows whats in ur heart already.

      just know that if things dont go the way u wanted them to with ur bf, take it as a blessing that Allah has placed him in ur path... after all, he is wat helped insipre u towrd islam right?! subhanallah! The BEST PLANNER of all planners has something in the works for u! so no worries! learn that putting all ur trust in "someone" will always lead to disappontment. why? because people are human, and humans are imperfect, and when ur imperfect ur bound to disappoint sometimes. but place ur trust in Allah and He will NEVER disappoint!! take care!

      • assalamu alaikum,

        I am the original poster and since I sent this question in back in December I have taken my Shahada and started praying without any problems. Alhamdullah.

        However, I did tell my "boyfriend" that we couldn't carry on the relationship and so we are now separated. I still do care about him very much and he sends me messages saying that he would not give up on me and that he is fighting for us to be married. Inshallah because Allah swt knows the condition of my heart. Right now I am focusing on finding means to make money and studying Islam more closely.

        I feel bad some days, because 1. i'm wondering if i stopped talking to him to please Allah just so that Inshallah i can be with him. 2. the former makes me question my own faith because i am NOT trying to place importance on someone more than Allah. If anything, I would like Jannah for my "boyfriend", so I stopped speaking to him for his sake, too.

        @word2mysistas, he didn't hide me from his family. his mother and sisters met me via Skype when he went to Saudi Arabia with them. and i talked with his girl cousin before. i didn't meet his father as i'm american and was in america and i was, at that time, non-muslim (also, i heard it isn't okay to just meet the male members of the family like that). but apparently, his father did know about me.

        @SVS, no, he didn't ask his parents before doing haram things with me. when we were doing haram, I wasn't a Muslim and we both weren't thinking about being in love. but SubhanAllah, my "boyfriend" was the catalyst that steered me toward learning about Islam. when he was in Saudi Arabia for two months, we talked every day and i met his mother and all his sisters. And we were talking when I came to Thailand in January and I plan to be there for two years or until his family agrees.

        Even now that we've decided to stop talking until his parents come up with a decision. I don't know why it is so important to him to have their approval. Maybe, as I would be his spouse, he doesn't want to marry me then his family resent me. I get messages from him telling me he won't give up on us and that he is fighting. Inshallah, its true. Only Allah can know those things. I ask Allah daily to remove from my heart the things He doesn't love and to guide me in the right direction.

        I would like if everyone would try not to judge, please?

        assalamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatu.

  2. Assalaamualaikam

    Alhamdulillah - I'm so pleased to hear you are contemplating accepting Islam.

    Regarding prayer, you can learn the basics over time so don't delay your prayers until you know everything. If you feel in your heart that you are ready to accept Islam, take your Shahadah and don't delay - if we were to wait until we already know everything, we might leave it too late. I'm a revert, and when I took my Shahadah, I knew very little about salat (prayer) or how to read Arabic, etc. - but I knew in my heart that I needed to accept Islam, that it was the right path. What you can do in order to learn more about Islam is to find a "New to Islam" course (these go by different names and have different formats, but you can find one in most larger towns or cities) and maybe start going to a sisters-only study group. If you're confused about where to start with looking for these, you can ask in your local mosque and they should be able to point you in the right direction, inshaAllah.

    In Islam, pre-marital relationships between men and women aren't considered to be acceptable. Allah has instructed us not to come near to zina in any form and to guard our chastity, so as believing men and women we should all strive to avoid things that bring us closer to that which Allah has prohibited. So, if you and this man wished to have a halal relationship, you would need to have a nikah (an Islamic marriage). In order for a nikah to be valid, it requires the consent of both parties and the woman's wali (guardian - for some reverts, an imam may be able to carry out this role for nikah, as her male relatives may not be Muslim); while it is preferable for both families to agree and support the marriage, a man can marry without the permission of his relatives, so there is no need for him to accept the opinion of his grandmother if she were to disagree.

    Please remember, as well, that taking your Shahadah is like being born anew; what happened in your life before then is put to one side, and you can focus on the future and living an Islamic life from that point on. Nobody alive today is perfect, and we all make mistakes, but Allah is Most Forgiving, Most Merciful - we can have faith in His mercy. If you have sins or mistakes in your past that concern you, offer Him your sincere repentance and trust in Allah - the resources on this website under the heading "Tawbah in Islam" may be helpful to you.

    Midnightmoon editor

  3. I am in a relationship with a girl , she is from choudhary caste, non- muslim...

    [Editor's note: If you require advice, please submit your question as a new post for publication, rather than as a comment - that way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]

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