Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Parents won’t let me talk to my fiancee to clarify things

as salaam alaikum

young Muslim couple

The Messenger of Allah (saw) said: "A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper". (Bukhari & Muslim)

I am confused. I recently got a proposal and I did istikhaarah. However at the time being everything seemed fine but now when they want to set a date for the nikaah im getting all these questions in my mind.

The thing is I just want to clarify a few things with the guy I'm supposed to marry so that there is no misunderstanding later on.

However my family feels that now its too late for that since they already said yes to the guys family. They wont let me talk to the guy. They think that by doing that they would be hurting their feelings and it would be an insult to them. Is my family doing the right thing by not letting me talk to him and clarify some things that are bothering me?


jazaak Allah khair


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3 Responses »

  1. Dear Sister, Walaykumsalam,

    It is completely wrong that you are not being allowed to question this man whom you are looking to marry. Your parents are worried about hurting his family, but what about 'you'? What will happen to you if you find out after you get married that this man was not what you wanted in a husband?

    Is there no way to contact this man without your parents knowing? If there is, then speak to him.

    If not, then tell your folks that you want to just speak to your fiance. If they still don't allow you contact with him, then put your foot down and tell them that you are not willing to go any further with this proposal unless you are given the chance to clarify all that is on your mind with this man.

    Yes, that will most likely cause arguments at home, but better to clarify niggling things now be stuck in an unhappy marriage.

    SisterZ Editor

  2. Assalamu alaykum Sister Mia,

    You have every right to make a "choice" for marriage and know all necessary details about the guy before marriage.

    If what you want to ask is important enough that it would affect your married life then you "should" get to talk to him.

    If your family is not agreeing, tell them that this is the question of your life and not a child's play. Tell them it is you who will have to be with that person from the day of marriage and not they. Tell them that they are your elders, they have seen life and they should understand the urgency of the situation.

    If they feel ashamed because they already said yes for nikah, put that shame on side. Tell them, until and unless your condition is not fulfilled you will not marry the guy and if still they make efforts, it will be a forced marriage which is not right on moral grounds, a woman has her rights to marry by choice.

    Hope you will do the necessary to get your points across and talk to the guy and not give in to the " yes for nikah" which your parents have said.

    May Allah keep give you a happy life by marriage to a spouse good for your dunya and aakhirah and give you joy of offspring and make you all pattern for those who ward off evil.

    Your brother.

  3. As salam aliekum sister mia,

    I agree with the advice of sisterZ and brother munib. But remember one thing, if you are allowed to speak to your fiance or you get an opportunity to speak to him, get things clarified once and for all. Don't make it a regular habit of speaking to him, or sharing a bonding with him (until nikah) which would be haram as he is still your fiance i.e. a non-mahram for you and not your husband.

    Let Allah guide and help you in making a right decision.

    As salam aliekum.

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