His Pakistani parents won’t allow him to marry me!
Salaam,
I'm a 19 years old bengali girl, who fell for a pakistani guy M (sorry i don't want to mention any names) who's turning 22 soon. I am certainly madly in love with him, and he is too with me. Anyways he became part of my life, roughly I used to spend 8-9 hours talking to him. I was so used to having him around and being there for me. I can't thank him enough for that.
But the downside to that was, I became too dependent to him. Without him, I never used to take any steps. After a year or so of meeting him, I told my dad about him. He had no objections but said he would like to meet him, to see if he is capable for me. But due to some misunderstandings between me and M, I said to M that he can't meet my dad.
We made up and M went to karachi for 3 weeks, and before leaving he told his sister about me. Funnily while he was on holiday my parents booked a holiday to bangladesh. While he was in Karachi, his parents found a keyring in my name, and when M returned back to UK, his parents questioned him about me. First they were shocked, which was bound to happen, but later they refused. And as soon as I came back, couple of days later his parents went to pakistan, and still are there and are currently looking for a girl for M.
M and his sister tried to persuade them to accept me. Well his sister did the most. His parents want someone who has no background help and are religious and also a pakistani. They are doing best for their son, I guess. And M said to me yesterday that he can't go against his parents. and that I should move away. I'm proud of him, I'm happy that he is listening to his parents. because that is a way to heaven.
M is saying that he is sacrifising his happiness for his parents. I'm happy that he is. But I am also unhappy and angry. Unhappy that I can't spend my life with him. And angry that he broke all his promises that he made to me. How am I supposed to move away? I mean why did he allow himself to come close to me in the first place?
I always told him to ask his parents if he is allowed to marry any other cast because I knew it would be a problem. His answers used to be, 'are you a muslim? If yes, then I am allowed to marry you.'
I have no idea what to do. I have been crying to myself everyday since his parents refused/ rejected me without even seeing me. M is telling me to bring my dad to his house, to persuade his parents, but I'm scared that if they reject me that it would somehow put my dad head down, which I don't want to happen. They are his parents, aint' he suppose to try to persuading them.
I am not telling him to go against his parents wish, but theyre aint no harm in trying couple more times is there? I'm scared of loosing him, I'm scared of starting a fresh life again. I try to pray 5 times a day, keep myself busy, but somehow I always end up thinking about him. I'm not well, so I tend to rest alot, and due to that I think about him. For him, its so easy to forget because he works for 12 hours. For me its hard.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to forget him, but I want to be stronger. He may get married next year.
God knows best!
Any advice 😐
~salimak85
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Assalamualikum
Dear Sister
I m also a bengali woman.
My advice is if the boy won't wanna marry you without his parent's permission no need to think for him.
Just leave his think from your mind. No need to keep this type of relation. It's haram in Islam.
Read Quran , Namaz & doa everyday.
Keep ur study well.
Pray to Allah for giving a good pious Husband who will be a bengali man.
It will be better if husband & wife is from same country same culture.
Understanding will better between them.
Valo thakben.
Sarah
Salaam salimak85,
I am sorry you are going through this heartbreak.
My advice is that you leave things in his hands - because as you rightly identify: this is his battle that he needs to fight / overcome and these things do not happen quickly. If he wants to push the matter with his parents, he will and if he doesn't - he won't: it's out of your hands, and you must regard it as such.
I know it's a terrible disappointment and a sense of loss for you - but you must start trying to mentally liberate yourself from the situation and trust that what is meant to be will be and be accepting of this. There will be a natural period of course, where your thoughts are feelings will be consumed by the situation, however you can move past this by retraining your focus on other things (school, work, home life, holidays etc). The more you fill up your mind and energy with things that are not related to this situation, the sooner you will be able to move past it and attain peace and relaxation in your mind.
As for the boy, maybe he will come through, maybe he will not - the important thing is that you do not make him (or anyone for that matter) the centre of your life: this position is for Allah only, and so in many ways this is a good opportunity for you to practice being self disciplined and bringing your thoughts under your control.
It is not really worth our time and energy to focus on what is outside of our control or influence - no human has the power to control of influence another, and so any attempts to do so is a complete waste of time and energy that is much better spent on self improvement. If you focus on bettering yourself, your life your future - you will reap the benefits with or without marriage to this guy. If you focus on influencing the outcome, not only do you stand to gain nothing from your efforts - but you will have wasted a great deal of time and energy on something that is out of your hands.
For now, try to let go as much as you can and trust in Allah that what is meant to be will be - accept what is happening with an open heart and give nurture trust - trust that all will be as it should be, all that should happen will happen.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
mashallah sister Leyla, Allah has blessed you with wisdom and kind words, that have healing in them.
Salima
my sister ,i have been in your position when i was your age. my experience tells me that when a man doesnot want to marry you , he will cme up with all sorts of excuses, my mom doesnot agree, you are not pakistani, you are not tall, you are white skin, you are not same educated as me etc.....he suddenly realised that he is becoming more religious( didnt realise when he was roping a girl in his words) bottom line is he doesnt have the guts to stand for himself or for the you ( i want to use bad word here but cant, iam sure it will be edited).
my dear sis , remember the famous saying actions speak stronger than words! well his actions have shown that he is not going to stand by his so called love! . it hurts ,its painful, you feel cheated and betrayed . with time , inshallah you will overcome all these feeling once you keep the focus on Allah.
pray to Allah to keep your heart contented with what he has planned for you, as we might think that something is good for us but it is bad for us and something is bad for us but actuallyit is good for us.Allah knows and we dont. He loves you and will never do something to you that is not for your own benefit,even if it hurts for time being.
salaam alaykum sister salima,
your situation is exactly the same as mine! but the opposite way.im turkish and 19. the person i wish to marry is 20 but pakistani. his whole family know about me, and alhamdulillah they all accept me. the problem with me is my family, my mum rejected him without even seeing him or talking to him.
this heartbreak and difficulty lead me to do wrong things, which was right in my mums eyes. anyways subhanallah now i am fighting for it, and still trying trying trying untill i reach to my aim.
my strong advise for you is, do istikhara Allah swt will give you guidence inshallah. and if he is a muslim, and religious then why not? there should be no barrier between both of you. if u truely love him as you have said above, then show it. this wont make you look low, but atleast in the end you will think to your self i have tried my best. no matter what the result will be.
for example me, my mum gives up of arguing with me, and inshallah i am going to tell my dad about it, to get our nikah soon. sister i really think you should turn to Allah swt with all your heart, pray and ask the Almighty, do ISTIKHARA defo!! inshallah Allah will guide you. and always have the zikr of Allah in your tongue. Always remember Allah, your never alone.
what a beautifull religion we have ISLAM, theres a cure for every problem. just put you heart to it, and inshallah Allah will bless you.
i believe marriages like this will soon inshallah unite us ummah, and make us realise we are ONE! inshallah sister my duas are with you.
Wa Alaykum Salaam
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[Editor's note: Please submit your question as a new post for publication rather than as a comment on an existing post. That way it can be published and answered in turn, inshaAllah.]
Hi kilic you got married now?
Oh lolz sis I might be a little younger than u but still I am not young in the heart. <3 Love is one of the most greatful things in this world and not everyone gets the type of love they want. But yet inshallah we shall keep trying.
just go with ur parents and meet his parent and express ur desire to marry him
dont scare
but dont marry kafir hindus christians and buddist etc...
Marry only muslims
The reason behind this decision is the cultural difference. Whether we are Pakistani or Turkish or any one else, we are all different.