Constructing a stone monument around our father’s grave
'Assalaimu-'Alaikum,
My father passed away some 18 months ago and my siblings & I are now planning to construct a stone monument around his grave. However his widow (our stepmother) insists that it is the duty of the widow to take care of this, and not the children.
There are 2 issues here:
1) She wishes to construct something that is overly-ostentatious whereas we the children strongly feel it should be much more modest
2) Many of our relatives tell us it is the duty of the children or of the sons to be responsible for this.
I am the eldest son.
Thank you and Wassalam
- Iskandar
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Asalaamualaikum Brother,
There are many hadiths from the Prophet(saw) which clarify that building any sort of tombstone, or cementing or beautifying the place of burial is either not recommended or is haraam. I have mentioned some of the hadiths here:
Thumama b. Shafayy reported: When we were with Fadala b. 'Ubaid in the country of the Romans at a place (known as) Rudis, a friend of ours died. Fadala b. 'Ubaid ordered to prepare a grave for him and then it was levelled; and then he said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (may peace be upon him) commanding (us) to level the grave.
Abu'l-Hayyaj al-Asadi told that 'Ali (b. Abu Talib) said to him: Should I not send you on the same mission as Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) sent me? Do not leave an image without obliterating it, or a high grave without levelling It. This hadith has been reported by Habib with the same chain of transmitters and he said: (Do not leave) a picture without obliterating it.
Jabir said: Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) forbade that the graves should be plastered or they be used as sitting places (for the people), or a building should be built over them.
Jabir reported: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, forbade the whitewashing of a grave, sitting on it, or erecting any structure on it." (Reported by Ahmad, Muslim, Nasa'i, Abu Daw'ud, and Tirmizhi who said that it is a sound hadith) Tirmizhi reported this hadith with this wording: "The Prophet, peace be upon him, forbade the whitewashing of graves, writing on them, building on them, or stepping on them." Nasa'i, reported it in these words: "The Prophet, peace be upon, forbade building over a grave, adding anything to it, white washing it, or writing on it."
I would think the logic behind this is to remind us that once we have passed away, material things are of no benefit to us. Spending money on such things is a waste of money. The money saved from not constructing your father's tombstone could be given as sadaqa in your father's name and this would inshaAllah benefit him in the Hereafter. Furthermore, to avoid tombstones becoming places of worship.
Your step mother may be feeling that by constructing a big tombstone over her late husband's place of burial will show her love/attachment to him or will be a sign of honor or due to cultural reasons it may be the norm for her. Try to explain to her that constructing such tombs were not recommended at all by the Prophet(saw) and that the time, money and effort put in to this could be used in doing other things which can benefit her late husband - your father.
I found some useful information detailing what you and your family could do to benefit your father now that he has passed away. Please see the information below taken from this website:
http://www.islamweb.net/ver2/Fatwa/ShowFatwa.php?Option=FatwaId&lang=E&Id=83233
***Imam Abu Dawood narrated in his Sunan from Abu Usaid Malik Ibn Rabia Sa'di who related that they were sitting with the Holy Prophet (saw) when a man of Bani Salamah tribe came and said: 'O Messenger of Allah! Is there anything, by means of which, I can now do something by way of benevolence towards my parents after their death?' The Holy Prophet (Peace and blessing be upon him) answered: 'Yes, by praying for them and soliciting (Allah's) mercy and forgiveness for them, fulfilling their promises and undertakings, doing kindness to those who may be related to you through them, and respecting their friends'. [Abu Dawood]
Your duty towards your father after his death is to supplicate Allah for him, ask Allah to forgive him and bestow His Mercy on him. Allah Says "and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was small." [17:24].
The Prophet(saw) said: "After the death of a person his actions stop, save three things that he leaves behind: First, continuous charity, second the knowledge from which benefit may be obtained, and then a virtuous son who makes Dua' for him". [Reported by Imam Muslim]
The Prophet also said: "The noblest deed is that a person
should be benevolent towards his father's friends after his death". [Reported by Imam Muslim]
As for other good deeds like the recitation of the Qur'an and presenting its reward to a dead person and the other good deeds, Muslim scholars differ concerning this issue. However, we conclude that everyone who performs a good deed he deserves the reward of that act. Whenever one owns the reward of something he can present it to others. If the person whom the reward is presented is Muslim he will receive it. Anyway, beware of innovations invented by many people and being practiced by many Muslims such as ceremonial gatherings after the death of the person to mourn him, preparing foods for people, setting a stage for the reception of visitors, etc.; all the above matters are not permitted in Shariah. Allah knows best. ***
I hope this is useful. May Allah forgive your father his sins and grant with a place in Jannah al Firdous. Aameen.
SisterZ
I would say the responsibility would fall to whomever is able - I would try to share the duty.
Death should never be a divisive issue in any family - I would say fighting over what to do is a greater evil than doing something you don't really want or approve of (in terms of modest / not modest) - better to find a middle way and a middle ground that everyone can agree on, be helpful to eachother, kind to eachother and not fight.