I´m having issues with my husband, please rescue me.
I've been married for 10 years and mashallah have two beautiful boys from my marriage. My relationship with my husband has been good up until the last 3-4 years my husband and I seem to have a argument over everything.
My husband hardly spends anytime with me or the children even having a normal conversation is difficult I try to talk to him and he is so defensive and snaps back at me. He hardly ever spends time with the boys refuses to take them out or even sit down and read a book with them if their naughty he won´t explain to them its wrong but will shout at them using foul mouth. He will only contribute to the household expenses if he wishes to. He is self employed and is out all the time refuses to take day off , never drops or picks the kids up from school.Never shows any love or affection towards me.
Ive tried many times to sit and talk to him but he assumes this is normal and nothing is wrong.I live on my own with my husband and my boys but still feel his loyalty lies with his own family, example: I have recently had a arm operation even though I was in a cast and was restricted at what I can do, he showed no support, I still dropped kids to school cleaned our home my mum cooked for us I did the food shop on my own or with the support from my brother if I refer to him he goes into flip mode what do I do . He never supported me once but was happy to help his family on several occasions while all this is going on.I have many times asked him if I have upset him or is it something I'm doing that he doesn't like please tell me but i don't get nowhere.
What really upsets me is the fact he is very aggressively spoken. What do I do please help me ?
zahida
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As salamu alaykum, Sister Zahida,
Your struggles has been just the last four years, sounds really strange such a huge change, does he have problems with his bussiness? Many times men don´t talk about it and they get very upset about bussiness and you are the one being punished for his suffering, maybe he doesn´t have the money to give you when he is not giving you, have you thought about this possibility? Have you thought that he may be working more hours to see if he can earn more money? This are some possibilities, your husband sounds to me a good person that is going under heavy struggles in silent, this is a heavy weight.
Maybe he feels inferior and bad because he is not fulfilling his duties and he doesn´t know how to show it without feeling ashamed and inferior. He is maybe anticipating rejection and fight before even comes, just for the fact, that he knows he is not fulfilling his duties.
Listen to him, be patient, try to understand from where comes his dissapointment, he acts fine with his family because normally family always accept us and comfort us whatever we have done.
If you are able to show your respect towards what he does outside home, and try not to push him to do what he doesn´t want to do, he will notice your attitude changing, that will probably move him to act in some direction, insha´Allah.
He is expecting fights, arguments, claims,... encourage your children to love and respect him, he is the sustainer and the father, change your attitude and you will see changes, insha´Allah.
Everytime you see an argument coming, have Allah(swt) in your mind, praise to Him, look for refuge in Him, don´t pressure him, he will come to you, show him with your loving and sweet Heart that he can trust you and you will support him whatever is happening. Let the things flow, let him come to you to talk, insha´Allah.
Make your salat and teach your children, bring Peace to your home, insha´Allah.
You have a link with duas at the top of the page, may help, insha´Allah.
Give him some time, show him just love, compassion and respect, you will see the changes soon, insha´Allah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaams Sister
As Maria has explained, be patient with him, and advise him in a good and soft manner. He should be reminded of ALLAH and the evil fate of such behaviour, and of the seriousness of a bad moral conduct and evil fate of obscene language. Furthermore, he should be reminded about the importance of having a good moral conduct and guarding one's tongue.
Swearing is considered an immoral act, so everytime he uses bad language, remind him of what he's doing is wrong.
Sister, nobodys perfect. We all have our weak areas but with out love and compassion we can bring them to perfection!
Rumaysa
My idea is that this man has someone else in mind for whatever reason... He loves you but his mind/heart is involved with someone else... this is maybe why he stays away from you and the family... he doesn't care.
When a man is in love with someone else... this is the perfect example of him not having his heart with yours or his mind. You need to start searching for physical evidence like example checking phone calls, texting,... get in there and play his game. Happens often. May Allah give you courage and pray for answers.