IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Question:

Salamu-alaikum

Dear readers,

I am here seeking your help, even though the only one I might ask for help is Allah the Greatest, but i'm hoping that some of you have any ideas to help me find a way or a solution.

I had a new school this year, and I got to know a boy who is really aware of his religion, and we became good friends. Both of us are 19 years old. With "friends" I mean we talk about school issues, he helps me sometimes cause he's older than me with a year, he gives me advice about teachers..

During those last months, I really felt very attached to this boy, and I realised that i'm in love with him, because of his big belief in Allah and his peaceful mind, which is very rare those days. I didn't tell him cause we both know that having boyfriend/girlfriend is Haram, but i can't help loving him.

One day he told me that he has feelings for me, so i told him that me too, and we talked about it,  and we set limits to our ways of talking, and how we should be careful not to disobey Allah, but it's really really hard for me. Sometimes i see that he really needs me when he is sad and there's nothing i could do, or when we talk and feel like we are crossing the lines and stop again.. it really makes me sad and depressed.

We talked about marriage and how we both want to be with each other, but there's NO WAY, we are both 19 and in our first years of professional studies, and he is sure his parents won't accept seeing him getting married without finishing his studies and having a job, and a house... Like the traditional way. Me, well, I have hope in my parents and i believe if i knew how to talk to them they will understand, especially if they get to know him and realise why i really want him, cause he is a really great guy.

Now i've decided to tell my mom that i'm in love, but i don't want her to have a wrong understanding of the situation, cause there's really nothing between him and me. So i have no idea how to tell her, and if telling her can make any difference if his parents won't be okay anyway..

I really don't want to make sins, and I want our relationship to be halal and blessed from Allah, but we saw many many Fatawa that say that you shouldn't love anyone before marriage cause it's counted like Zina, not even be in love with him, and that we should even stop talking to each other because when a girl talk to a boy in a matter of love is like she's giving him an invitation to Zinna..

I'm really sad because of that, because I know it's too early for us, and i wish i knew him later when things will be easier for the two of us,  I've tried very hard to stop loving him but it's so very hard I really can't, even though he gives me no affection, he doesn't touch me or whatever, he don't tell me that he loves me, or any of that, we are really really limited.

So dear brothers and sisters, I'm now in such pain knowing that i've found someone good for me and I can't have him, not even close.

Thank you very much, Jazzakum Allah for your time.

Salamu Alaikum

- Proud Muslima

Sister Z's Answer:

Dear Proud Muslima, Asalaamualaikum,

MaashaAllah, you are intelligent and want to stay within Allah's limits. Islamically, you and this young man whom you talk about are at marrying age. You both appear to be islamically inclined and conscious about your the limits set by Allah.

If you both feel that you are good for each other's deen in this life and the next, then you are doing nothing wrong in contemplating marriage. Infact I think it is highly commendable that you are both thinking of marriage and not of just 'having a good time'.

Yes, of course you must both be wary about getting too close as you could fall into doing wrong. So I would advise you both to keep your distance from one another and to speak to your parents about marriage as soon as you can.

You say that you are both studying and so are not financially stable and some parents may see this as a barrier to marriage. However this is from cultural ideology and not from Islam, this sort of thinking will do nothing but create a problem out of something that could be a very pious act and could also prevent many potential social ills from occuring.

The simple solution is that if both parties agree on the marriage taking place, then nikah be performed and until you are both financially independant you both live with either set of parents. It will allow you both to enjoy each other's company in a halaal and healthy manner. You will be able to live together, sleep togther, school together, go out together, develop in deen together - with no sin incurred. Its a win win situation for all. That is the best and most simple solution; if of course the parents are looking for a solution and not a problem.

If you want to try to convince your mother, I suggest that you do not use the words 'in love'. That will scare any parent off and due to language and cultural differences they may automatically think that 'loving' someone also includes the 'boyfriend/girlfriend' type relationship.

Talk to your parents - tell them what you like about this person, i.e. that you believe he is good for your deen, he is good natured etc. Clarify to them that neither of you have had physical relations with each other and that you are careful about the way you converse together as you want to please Allah. Reassure your parents that both of you still want to further your studies and that being married will not distract you, infact it will make you into stronger and emotionally healthier Muslims. Remind your parents that marriage is half of your deen and is highly recommended by Allah(swt) and His Prophet(saw). InshaAllah if your parents are inclined towards their deen, they will try to find solutions.

In the meantime, I would advise you to stick like glue to your five Salaah, recitation of Quran, dhikr; mixing with pious sister and attending Islamic classes. Avoid spending time with the young man as it will only deepen your feelings for one another and as you know this can easily lead to wrong doing - Shaytaan is always on the look out for such an opportunity, so protect yourselves.

Be honest with the guy, tell him that the only way forward is to approach his parents. Advise him to use stories and examples from the Quran and Sunnah to convince his parents that Islam encourages marrying young. If you both speak to your parents as wise and intelligent young individuals, they may be more inclined to listen. Remember also that you will be speaking to your 'parents'; for whom such a solution as I have suggested may be totally unthought and unheard of. So be patient, choose your words carefully and pick the right time and way of communicating. Maybe, ask a respected family member, friend or a qualified Imaam to 'also' speak to your parents to give your words extra strength.

If after all attempts, 'the parents' do not agree, then see this situation as a test for you both from Allah(swt). The test will be to abstain from developing a haraam relationship and to stay on Allah's path despite your feelings for each other.

Lastly - I wanted to add, I personally do not feel it is zina or a sin to have 'love' for someone before marriage. If you are inclined towards deen yourself then, it is natural that you will develop love for someone who's deen and character you find attractive. Do we not feel love for Allah's noble Messenger(saw)? If we are striving Muslims, then yes, we should feel love for him despite never having seen or met him(saw). This level of love you feel is basic, if it is based on Islam and good character then Alhumulillah it is a strong foundation and if made halaal will InshaAllah blossom.

Best Wishes,

SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor