my inlaws are ruining my life!
Assalaamalaikum... I am a 20 year old pakistani girl born and brought up in london i got married at the age of 19... 1 year and 1 month ago from now. I met my husband 3 years ago and fell madly in love with him that i could not imagine even thinking of another man.
So i talked to my parents and my husband came to my house with the proposal... before he had come for my proposal i was a girl who was not very practicing in my religion but my husband had always been so talking to him more and more made me realise how much i was lacking as a muslim and i started wearing a hijab and doing my prayers on time alhumdulillah.
things were really good before we got married he was more understanding but he had warned me that he will put his foot down after i become his wife... i had no problem with that.
His mum and older brother didnt like me from the 1st day they didnt think i was the right girl for him but his dad really liked me but only beacuse he thought i was really pretty... he is a man who only believes in beauty.
I was told me would be living with my inlaws when we get married and i was completely ok with that as i wanted a good family atmosphere to live in... but from the 1st night of my wedding i started to lose respect for the family as i got to see a different side to all of them...
my father in law took all the money we were given as a present from the guests and refused to give it to us. 2ndly the same night we, me and my husband, were supposed to be going away for a few nights as a honeymoon but my father in law did not let it happen and everytime we did decide to go out in the evening he would be constantly ringing us telling us to get back home then having a go at me for not asking for his permission before going out.
I started to get really fed up of this routine beacuse my husband had a habit before marriage and sometimes in the marriage of staying out till 1am-2am with his friends but then my father in law would never complain but everytime he would be out with me there would be a hazard in the house. weeks would past i was living a much depressed marriage life with no independance to do anything to please my husband with my own choice... my father in law made it very clear that everything has to be discussed with him or my husbands mum that i intend to do even going down to local town centre for shopping.
I starting getting very stressed and me and my husband started to argue alot my inlaws started to interfere alot in our personal arguments. I got really fed up and thought that my inlaws were taking the right mick from me beacause all they wanted me to do was to cook, clean and stay at home all the time which is something i found very out of order. even though i did the work such as cooking for the 6 members of the family, washing up, kitchen cleaning and then ofcourse loooking after my husbands duties they would still be complaining over minor issues so i stopped putting an effort into doing things for them i noticed no one appreciates anything that i do instead they ask for more and more.
Things now starting to get very bad in the house my father in law would pick on the amount of oil in the food... to the food i was eating such as chocolates and fizzy drinks. then i got pregnant in the 2 nd month of my marriage no one showed that they were pleased to hear that instead my father in law gave me a lecture on how i should be more careful and that there is no space for a baby in the house. unfortunatly my pregnancy only lasted 7 weeks as i miscarried then i got pregnant again after 2 months which again only lasted 6 weeks as i miscarried for the second time. Even though the first miscarriage occured after me and my husband had a really bad argument and we ened up getting physical (astakhfarullah may Allah forgive us for commiting such a sin of rasing a hand on each other) my inlaws did not take care of me at all instead they sent me back to my parents home for 2 weeks beacuse my mohter in law worked and she said she would not be able to look after me...
then this beacame a habit everytime anything would go wrong they would just send me back to my parents home even when i was ill they would send me back i started getting very frustrated and obvioulsy could not go to anyone but my husband but my husband would not question his parents and find me justice instead he would just have a go at me and question my decency for complaining to him about his parents...
this went on for a while and into about 7 months of my marriage after i had got pregnant again i did not stand to let them take advantage of me and started standing up for my self against them.... home become hell at this point so i started to talk to my husband about moving out and getting our own place but husband did not like the idea then later on my parents decided to go on holiday for a month and left their house empty so me and my husband went there whilst they were gone and alhumdullillah, mashallah i had the best 1 month with my husband we did not argue verbally nor physically.
After my parents got back i felt rather sad about going back as my inlaws house for me was prison i hated it there and specially with the baby comming i just wanted to break free. finally my husband decided to apply for a council home but the problem layed with my father in law he refused to let my husband move out and started causing lots of problems in the house he blamed me for the decision my husband had made... he even started to threaten me his exact words were that he would put me and my baby both in hospital and that blood will be blood and i cannot take his son away.
i felt very threatened and cryed to my husband i could not take my father in law taking charge over me like that telling me that i will obey his rules and that even tho i was 7 months pregnant i had to hoover the house, clean the kitchen, cook etc so i turned around and told him like on many other occasions in the past i had said... "stop interfering in my life... i will follow my husband rules and only his you have no right to tell us what we should do and how!" my husband took no stand for me and my inlaws chucked me out of the house and refused to have me back so i went back to my parents and have now been here for 3 weeks with no where to go no husband to take responsibility of me as my husaband does not even want to talk to me.
my husband is waiting for the council house to come through so we can then move in together but the thing is that i am 7 months pregnant and with only 2 months to go i need my husband by my side more then anything right now i am not happy instead this baby is being developed in nothing but deppression and stress. My husband blames for for everything that has taken place in his house and refuses to be a good caring husband husband towards me even though i am carrying his baby he does not show any conern for me or his child. My inlaws carry on filling his head with negativity against me especially his mum who does nothing but complain and compete with me in every way.
I cant take it anymore i am very miserable and what makes me more miserable is thinking that due to all this stress my baby might get affected. is my husband even worth a try? will i really be happy once i move out? i dont lknow what to do please help me... Masalaam
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salam ,its sad to hear what you've experienced but at the end of the day you have to decide what you want and how much your willing to tolerate , not to say that one has to endure abuse that's totally wrong in Islam period. you need to pray to Allah and make dua to show you the right way inshahallah. (salatul istikhara). some people let cultural practices take precedence over Islamic practice, even the basics of fulfilling rights of other people is deemed as a wrong practice.
assalamualykum dear sister in islam,
i feel very sad for you, because after
marriage every girl/boy want to see
themselves happy. But in your case, is
not to be so. The many instances you
mentioned is quite disturbing. your in-
laws must be educate enough to handle
their new daughter-in-law.
my own sister was divorced because of the
conditions created by her mother-in-law, but
those things of her were completely different
of yours.
The main reason is ignorance. i mean many
people don't know how to react to any
situation with people, say/act right things
at right time.
The only remedy, i feel, for you is Sabr
and dua to Allah to change your condition
from bad to good.
My suggestion to you, right now ask
forgiveness from your in-laws, i know you
haven't done any thing wrong, but sometimes
one have to ask to forgive to others
eventhough its not our mistake. By doing this
it might help them ( your inlaws) to think
that inspite of all their wrong doings and you
still being asking for them to forgive.
Tell some nice words to them, like, "i was
remembering you"; "are you taking your pills
on time"; " hows ur health"; "who is taking care
of yourself nowadays" ; so on ; praise them,
sometimes it will help them to melt their
stone cold hearts from these words and
inshallah they will have good feelings for you.
Your husband should have been taking care of
you and your baby. Ask him to come twice a
week, may be he will change during the time,
all this time, all you have to do is maintain
patience and adopt a good attitude with smile,
which will help, inshallah, win their hearts,
because Allah is watching all,
you have nothing to loose, just to gain more
and more hasanaat of being patient for all
wrong doings by others on you.
I know at these times your condition is very
crucial, ie, u dont want to loose ur baby
for the third time. Read Quran as much as
you can, if not try to listen to Quran (qirat)
more and more, because Quran has healing
effect to the mu'mineens ( as described in
surah al-isra),
my aunt, few years ago, deliverd a baby,
who now at age of 6, know some lessons of
tajweed, its hard to believe, mashallah
as my aunt used to taught Quran to other
kids of community and she used to say that
when she was pregnant she used to recite
Quran as much she could, which directly effect
the child in the womb.
Regarding stress, dont take it, leave everything
to Allah, as he created us, and he will be going
to take care of everyone of us. Perform Salatul
Haajat regularly, ask Allah all you can once
again establish your happy home with your
husband.
I hope this might help you. If there is any
good it is from Allah and any wrong is from
my own nafs,
Fi-amanillah,
Wasalamualykum Warahmatullahi
Wabarakatahu.
hi,im sorry to hear about ur problem,and im not suprised to hear all that because i am going and went through the same problem as i felt exactly same way as u.iv got a litle baby too. living with parents. if u want to talk about it email me.let me tell u, ull hav a better life without them ignorant people,i assure u.just giv it some time.get in touch with me.id like to talk.
Your husband is a real jerk. It is his obligation to take care of you and protect you. You are right to be upset with him. His parents are obviously ignorant,but it is up to him to show them, they have to respect his wife. You live in a civilized country and you are not the first single mother. Go for a divorce and find yourself a job. Draw your conclusions and do not sell yourself short next time. There will be a next time (next man) for you, Iam sure. Regards. Dora.
I have to say--your husband might be a jerk and your in-laws might be ignorant and committing haraam, but a lot of this is YOUR OWN doing. First of all, why would you get married at the tender age of 19? What about getting an education, being able to be self-sufficient in the event that something like this happen? If, Allah-forbid, you and your husband get divorced or permanently separate, you will have to become a burden of sorts on and be dependent on your parents. Why did you agree to living with your in-laws having been raised and married in a Western country? This practice is not an Islamic one, but a cultural one which only sets up an environment for conflicts. It seems to me that you were too immature to get married and now you're suffering the consequences of an ill-made decision. Either you stand up to your husband for your rights (with an ultimatum) or you go your separate ways...this would be a better option than living a life of oppression and mistreatment. Especially, if you go back to the previous situation (living with your in-laws), they will feel that they have even more rights to mistreat you as they will realize that they can interfere and prevail in your marriage to your husband.
Assalamualaikum Sister,
I feel terrible hearing after reading your state.I know its been a while you posted,but how did your labor go? and how are you and the baby doing?
Did you find your own place with your husband? What is your parents saying about all this.
You know...It isn't your duty to take care of your husband's parents,its your husband's duty.If you don't feel good you don't have to cook and clean for them,make your husband do it.And you don't have to live with your in laws.your doing zulm to yourself and its not right in Islam,do what you can just for the sake of Allah.Allah sees intention.You have the right to ask for a seperate house if your husband has the means to.And your husband should do his best his best in balancing his relationship with you and his family,he married you and now its an obligation on him to look after you and make you feel at ease,he will be asked on the Day of Judgment if he does any injustice to you,taking care and obeying your parents is fardh,but its also an obligation to keep the wife satisfied also.
If it's getting impossible to be live with your in laws under the same roof,and your husband isn't being understanding towards you,and isn't looking after your baby then you should make the right decision.And it's completely allowed in Islam,Allah did not ask us to make any kind of zulm(punish) ourselves.Our try should only be to struggle in the path of Allah,be a good servant to Him and follow our beloved Prophet's (Saw) way.Allah is Just,and Islam is Just to all human being.
Wassalaam sister,hope to hear from you soon.
I send you much strength, i wonder what happened to you in the years.. You must leave
I pray God helps you... I'm so sorry, I wish I could help.
hi wel even im goin through same circumstances,,,my life story is same as yours,,,even i got influnced by my husband love before marrige n got married at the age of 19,,but later my in,laws interferd in our lives n ruined our marrige life some how i managed to leave my husband home n escaped to parents along with my baby,,i told my husband that i will come back only if he is willing to leave his parents now that we got sepated thing are more worse now my husband ignores me n blame me for breaking his family he dont talk to me n wants me to feel sorry and get back again to his parents i think this marrige life is a big ****..so what i want to say whether you live together or separatly your life will improve only if your husband truly loves you or else no neeed to go back to your in laws they will treat you like a maid take your baby n continue with your study i kw its not easy task but what is the use of living the life you had never expected its your life live it the way u want baby go ahead dunt move back let your husband realise your imp,,,
Your husband will never change. The more you hang on to him, the harder it will be. Your in-laws seem awful and your baby does not deserve seeing his/her mom get treated that way. PS have you talked to your parents about what you should do?
Sad to hear your story ...every other girl whose married to a Pakistani can relate herself to the situation... The saddest part is people do all this devilish stuff in the name of Sharia... Now when u have a baby ,sacrifice for her /him...as the baby needs a father too equally as he needs mother
As salaam Alaikum!
A very similar thing happened to my older sister married at a young age, first generation in the states to be brought up, typical community sets trends of younger guys and girls getting married not realizing the long-term effects it sets. So one can imagine where her marriage failed. Inlaws constantly expected her to be traditional and a devoted DIL but never reciprocated hence their son was an alcoholic and a fraud and not the Muslims they claimed you be. To make a long story short, she left his bum a** lived with my parents for a couple of years; along with 2 little ones, got back on her feet, and is married to a great loving person. After that, I made sure I put myself through school and married after graduating college and let me tell you my husband knows better than to challenge me and he appreciates my difference in opinion. However, inlaws will be inlaws, even I have endured my plate of issues but at least at the end of the day I go home to my own home, my own space, and haven with my husband, so why bother getting into it with them. I just let them go on about their negativity and my husband sees that I am hurt but not willing to entertain it, therefore, he sees for himself who is at fault. But it is important for a husband to stand up for his wife in matters concerning his parents, they will always forgive him but not the DIL. If the son creates clear boundaries with his parents in matters of avoidance of dragging his wife's name then there is still hope but it is up to the husband to do this not the DIL. If a man can not establish boundaries then clearly he is still a boy, not marriage material. Drop his a** and yes make lots of duas and prayers but Allah SWT also gives us signs and guidance so take it with caution.