Islamic marriage advice and family advice

i am isolated and i feel deceived


Feeling deceived

Feeling deceived

Question:

salam sister...

ive been married for a couple of months now... im a young wife of 21.. i have left my family and country to live with my husband and his family.

before i got married, my husband felt strongly against mixing with ghayr maharim (non-relatives)... for this reason i had given up many things for the sake of making this work and have sacrificed alot.

i have no one here, where i live now, no family no friends to speak to.

only since i've come to live with him and really got to know him, did i realise he lives contrary to how he has asked of me to be...

my heart is broken with disappointment... i feel i was decieved... i'm good to his parents, i clean and cook for them alahmdulillah. he shows no appreciation for this and keeps looking for faults with me and his marriage with me.

i am angry and frustrated

i tried to speak to him about it, but he claims i am possessive or he puts me on a guilt trip, making me feel like him marrying me is a favour to me.

his behaviour is unislamic and he condones it by justifying it with pure intentions.

please, i need advice... how should i be? what action can i take?

- desertgurl

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

I read this question over and over, trying to think of what the appropriate advice would be. It sounds like you are in a truly diffcult situation, and it will require time and a lot of soul-searching for you to decide what the right steps are in this marriage.

First of all, you said you left your country to be with him. It makes me wonder what involvement you family had in this marriage decision. Did you marry with their blessing and support? Are you in contact with them? How did you come to know this man and how was your relationship before marriage? It is important to know the background before I can specifically advise you on moving forward.

Having said that, there are some practical words for you. First of all, it is true that a woman should not have unneccessary contact with non-mahram MEN. In my home, if a worker comes into the house, I generally go into another part of the house. If a male friend comes to visit my husband, I serve them and then don't hang around in the same room unless there is a discussion (usually something to do with our local community) that requires my presence. So I minimize unnecssary contact, without being paranoid or acting like I'm supposed to be invisible. So if your husband wishes you to not be around non-mahram men, there is nothing wrong with that.

Now, there is nothing in Islam that says you can't be around non-related WOMEN. Indeed, it is essential for your emotional health to develop good strong relationships with the Muslim women around you. It is even more important since you are away from your family. Your Muslim sisters will become your family, and it is not appropriate for him to cut you off from socializing with other people. He should be encouraging you to make friends with good strong women, should be encouraging you to attend whatever Islamic activities are available in your area, and if the language is different from your home country, he should allow you to take classes to learn the language to get along better.

One sign of a man who is a "control freak" is that he attempts to isolate his wife, cutting off all outside contact so that the only one she sees is him. He becomes her world, her keeper, her filter for everything that happens. His word becomes her only perspective on life; if he says she is "bad" or "lazy", then she does not have any reality to compare against his judgment. This is esssentially an unhealthy way to live and were it me I would not tolerate it.

Alhamdulillah, you will get a great reward for taking care of him and his parents. Continue to do so to your best ability, and try to comfort yourself in thinking that Allah is pleased with your efforts, even though your husband is critical. You do not describe the nature of your husband's behavior, so I don't know if you mean that he pretends to be a good Muslim on the outside but does things like drinking, drugs, abandoning prayer, etc., or something more or less than this. Once again, I don't have all the proper information.

You must continue to struggle for your rights, but not in a negative way or by cursing, yelling, or throwing things. You must remind him to fear Allah, and if at all possible you must bring in an outside person, a trusted family member from your side of the family, to support you in your efforts. Either by phone or by internet, or better if a family member can travel to be with you, because you obviously are having trouble influencing him alone.

Divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but it is an option if you have made the effort to do everything you can to salvage this marriage. I advise you to pray the five prayers on time, pray the night prayer, fast as much as you can (with your husband's permission for sunnah fasts), and continue taking care of your home. Get outside help as soon as possible, and don't just sit and take it, thinking it is your fate as a woman. You have the RIGHT to have a good relationship with your husband and if he deceived you by pretending to be a good man before marriage, then you have the right for him to either fix his behavior, or you can divorce him in a permissible manner and get on with you life. I would suggest devoting several weeks or even months to the effort rather than giving up right away.

Now, all this comes with a caveat; if he is physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive, then this is a very deep problem that you cannot solve. Honestly, abusers continue to abuse and they rarely 'cure themselves'. If he hits you, pushes you, etc., then all my advice is off and I would say get out while you can, because it will only escalate from there. You live with him; you know what the precise details of your situation are and only you know what level he is at. Regardless of what path you choose going forward, remember that you are not just a wife, you are a woman, a Muslim woman, and you have rights as a human being. Among those rights are to be safe from harm. Pray sincerely to Allah to guide you to the right decision and then move forward with confidence. My prayers and du'as are with you in this difficult time.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor

If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.


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11 Responses »

  1. As-Salaamu-Alaikum my dear sister: The most sound advice that I can extend to you is to truly divorce this man honorably & Islamically. For you to continue to subject yourself to such abuse from him & the family is truly ludacris & insane. Need not I go into the most horrible & inhumane deception which took place in my life that destroyed my family(children & grandchildren) as well as my marriage & family stability It also affected us physically & emotionally.
    The destruction was devastating. Leave the situation & make duah to Allah(swat). he'll bless you with a much loving situation. May Allah watch over & guide you. Ameen!

    • km, don't you think that advising divorce is premature? We don't even know the details of what occurred. What abuse are you referring to? I am sorry about your experience, but it's a mistake to project the emotions of your experience onto others without knowing the exact situation.

      • Desertgurl,

        If you want some sound advice, it would be helpful if you could be a little more specific inshaAllah.

        How did you come to know of this person for marriage?
        And what research did you do on him as a prospective spouse?
        What expectations did you have from being married to him?
        What is he doing that makes you feel his behaviour is unislamic?

        We don't know enough to be able to advise you properly. And as Br Wael correctly said 'advising divorce is premature'.

        It is clear there are some issues here which do need to be dealt with. If not done so, they will definitely escalate.

        So if you feel comfortable in doing so, please share some more detail with and we will try to advise you inshaAllah

        Jzk

  2. Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

    Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

    I read this question over and over, trying to think of what the appropriate advice would be. It sounds like you are in a truly diffcult situation, and it will require time and a lot of soul-searching for you to decide what the right steps are in this marriage.

    First of all, you said you left your country to be with him. It makes me wonder what involvement you family had in this marriage decision. Did you marry with their blessing and support? Are you in contact with them? How did you come to know this man and how was your relationship before marriage? It is important to know the background before I can specifically advise you on moving forward.

    Having said that, there are some practical words for you. First of all, it is true that a woman should not have unneccessary contact with non-mahram MEN. In my home, if a worker comes into the house, I generally go into another part of the house. If a male friend comes to visit my husband, I serve them and then don't hang around in the same room unless there is a discussion (usually something to do with our local community) that requires my presence. So I minimize unnecssary contact, without being paranoid or acting like I'm supposed to be invisible. So if your husband wishes you to not be around non-mahram men, there is nothing wrong with that.

    Now, there is nothing in Islam that says you can't be around non-related WOMEN. Indeed, it is essential for your emotional health to develop good strong relationships with the Muslim women around you. It is even more important since you are away from your family. Your Muslim sisters will become your family, and it is not appropriate for him to cut you off from socializing with other people. He should be encouraging you to make friends with good strong women, should be encouraging you to attend whatever Islamic activities are available in your area, and if the language is different from your home country, he should allow you to take classes to learn the language to get along better.

    One sign of a man who is a "control freak" is that he attempts to isolate his wife, cutting off all outside contact so that the only one she sees is him. He becomes her world, her keeper, her filter for everything that happens. His word becomes her only perspective on life; if he says she is "bad" or "lazy", then she does not have any reality to compare against his judgment. This is esssentially an unhealthy way to live and were it me I would not tolerate it.

    Alhamdulillah, you will get a great reward for taking care of him and his parents. Continue to do so to your best ability, and try to comfort yourself in thinking that Allah is pleased with your efforts, even though your husband is critical. You do not describe the nature of your husband's behavior, so I don't know if you mean that he pretends to be a good Muslim on the outside but does things like drinking, drugs, abandoning prayer, etc., or something more or less than this. Once again, I don't have all the proper information.

    You must continue to struggle for your rights, but not in a negative way or by cursing, yelling, or throwing things. You must remind him to fear Allah, and if at all possible you must bring in an outside person, a trusted family member from your side of the family, to support you in your efforts. Either by phone or by internet, or better if a family member can travel to be with you, because you obviously are having trouble influencing him alone.

    Divorce is the most hated of the permissible things in Islam, but it is an option if you have made the effort to do everything you can to salvage this marriage. I advise you to pray the five prayers on time, pray the night prayer, fast as much as you can (with your husband's permission for sunnah fasts), and continue taking care of your home. Get outside help as soon as possible, and don't just sit and take it, thinking it is your fate as a woman. You have the RIGHT to have a good relationship with your husband and if he deceived you by pretending to be a good man before marriage, then you have the right for him to either fix his behavior, or you can divorce him in a permissible manner and get on with you life. I would suggest devoting several weeks or even months to the effort rather than giving up right away.

    Now, all this comes with a caveat; if he is physically, sexually, or emotionally abusive, then this is a very deep problem that you cannot solve. Honestly, abusers continue to abuse and they rarely 'cure themselves'. If he hits you, pushes you, etc., then all my advice is off and I would say get out while you can, because it will only escalate from there. You live with him; you know what the precise details of your situation are and only you know what level he is at. Regardless of what path you choose going forward, remember that you are not just a wife, you are a woman, a Muslim woman, and you have rights as a human being. Among those rights are to be safe from harm. Pray sincerely to Allah to guide you to the right decision and then move forward with confidence. My prayers and du'as are with you in this difficult time.

    Fi Aman Allah,

    Noorah

  3. Salam sister

    I don't think your problem lies on your husband not wanting you to mix with non mahram men . You wouldn't complain of such a thing if he was good to you . You still can mix with women and try to make friends and fulfill your life with interests that drives your mind away from focusing in your marital problems .

    I wouldn't advise you to divorce him , he doesn't sound like a horrible abusive man . I would advise that you try your best to fix your marriage . Try to accept his flaws and try not to complain to him a lot , too much complaining makes men feel they're dissatisfying their women and that discourages some of them from being good . Just some patience , some wisdom in solving your problem that't all what you need .

    Prayers to you . May Allah bless you and your family .

  4. divorce and then what? Allah gave u that man and Allah knows y.so stick with wat Allah has given u,ask Allah to make things better to help u to forgive u,and then be patient.ur not the only one who has such an ungrateful useless cruel stupid husband infact i know many women who got married to such filth.be strong its difficult but it sounds like the best option.

  5. Salamu Aleikum

    I think you were specific enough in the description of your husband- you mentioned that he is against

    the mixing of mahram and non-mahram, which is good. But you also mentioned that he doesn't stick

    to the rules that were so important to him at the beginning of your marriage. Which means: Now

    you follow the principles that he once expected you to have-but neglects them himself.

    In a marriage, there has to be a common ground and common fundaments. If only one party is

    religious, the whole fundament is basically weak and the marriage isn't built on a good foundation.

    2) Why do you have to cook for his parents? Does it mean you live with him and his parents? That would

    go against Islamic law, as the husband must provide an own home for himself and his wife as a place

    of rest and intimacy for both of them. And even if that is not the case: You aren't to be a servant and

    you don't have to cook for your inlaws i.e. run their household

    , unless they are your guests in your own home. But in general, you

    don't have to serve your mother in law. In Pakistani and Indian culture, the In-laws (family of husband,

    mainly), which is regionally more influenced by Hindu religion and not Islam, the family of the

    husband is considered to be as important as the husband. The daughter in law moves into the in-law's

    home and has the same duties that in Islam women have towards her husband, towards her in-laws.

    If this should be the case in your situation( if I only knew more details, that's what I deduced from

    your letter), you must explain to him that you aren't supposed to be a servant and want to have an

    own home of privacy in which you are treated with respect and in which you are the king of your own

    household.

    3) You used the word: possessive. Possessive means that the issue of jealousy has come up between

    the two of u- which brings me back to your first point. Not Mixing with non-mahrams is fine, but he

    has to follow it as well. In many countries, men use the rules of Islam to restrict women- and exceed

    the boundaries Allah imposed upon them. They transgress Shariah. If this applies to you,

    you don't have to accept that. Make clear to him that your marriage can only be successful if you share a

    common Islamic ground and stick to it.

    4) Don't consider it to be a sacrifice that you don't mix with men any longer, it's a great gift and a

    priviledge without a doubt only the Muslim woman enjoys in this world. So he even did you a favour-

    as you changed that for him but you have actually benefitted yourself.

    Try to salvage you marriage by explaining these things to him . I wish you had given more details, but

    I think the main points were sufficient; You have no friends, left your country, he has a bad akhlagh,

    treats you bad emotionally, otherwise you wouldn't have written that e-mail. And you have to cook for

    your inlaws and keep their house clean, (even if you do it voluntarily, it' not your Islamic duty and he

    shouldn't take that for granted. He has to love you even more for that. It would mean that you are a

    wonderful woman, the best he could get)

    In Islam , you have rights and everything that applies to you applies to your husband as well.

    Even as an obedient Muslim wife, you don't have to serve anyone but Allah Taa'la.

    Jazakallah

  6. Salaam

    You say you've only been married a couple of months - that's too short a time to judge your husband or your married life. I remember when I got married - I had this idea that the first year would be like an extended honeymoon - the reality was that the first year of marriage is the hardest year of all. You were brought up one way, and he was brought up another way, and now you're stuck with each other and somehow you have to reach a compromise with each other. Is it easy? Well, I didn't find it easy at all. But time will pass, and, as long as there is nothing major going wrong, things will get better insha'Allah. I look back and remember things that made me so angry and so sad when I was newly wed - but now I can laugh about them. As time goes by, especially with your excellent manners and the help you're giving to your in-laws, you will become more and more comfortable and confident in your place in the family, and will be able to speak up politely for things that you really cannot accept or want changed. You also probably feel lonely and homesick being away from your family for the first time for so long, so try to keep in contact with them - Skype is a great way to do this-, stay in touch with your friends as well, make new friends at a local community centre, etc. My advice would be to be patient - easy to advise but so hard to do, I know! - and be optimistic that things will improve. Say this dua: "Allah, make this easy for me, You who can make even grief easy". Insha'Allah you will feel the heavy load on your heart lifted and things will improve. Believe me - I was there!

    Salaam

  7. Assalamu Alaikum,
    I am responding because perhaps my experience can help. I feel that when a wife feels that her husband changed after marriage, it is because she had high expectations. In the Quran when studying tafseer, you'll come to realize that the biggest test is your family. We get along with people in the outside but with people at home we exert our power over them. When I judge that my husband loses his temper and is critical of me more than of anyone outside, I also realize that I act similar to my children and that sets me right. In Islam, we must straighten ourselves and Allah swt promises that he'll straighten our affairs, insha'Allah otherwise you'll get rewards either way and after a short life here insha'Allah you shall reach Jannah for eternity.

    My husband doesn't curse, hit, drinks, cheats or does drugs and he knows Islam is the right path but is unable to fully follow it. So when he messes up such as expecting more from me in regards to his family and giving very little in regards to my family - the double standard bit, I do get very upset and depressed and even think about ending it all but alhumdulillah, I keep reading and listening to tafseer and other lectures.
    Sister, it's been 20 years and the best fruit out of it is my kids who I try to raise islamically.

    Recently, I learned that people of Jannah will have 3 qualities 1) suppress anger 2) forgive easily 3) do sadaqa during ease and hardship. Alhumdulillah, I need to learn to forgive easily and as I did so, I felt better immediately. i hope it has been helpful.

  8. Good Evening,

    I want to share one problem also

    • As salamu alaykum Unknown,

      Please, log in and write what you want to share with us, this way all the brothers and sisters will be able to help you, insha´Allah.

      María
      IslamicAsnwers.com Editor

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