Misunderstanding between daughters and parents
Bakhchisaray Mosque in the Ukraine. Muslims in the Ukraine are primarily ethnic Tatars, with many Chechen refugees as well. There are 151 mosques in Ukraine.
Salam aleykom my dear brothers and sisters, my name is Lena and right now I'm just soo in need of advice for my family.
My dad lives in the Ukraine with my mother and my little brother.
We 4 sisters lived in Canada away from dad for 5 years. And I (the youngest) visited him twice and this year I spent 4 months so far with my parents as they told me it's not good to live without parents in the house.
My 2 elder sisters right now live alone in the house and they have had each one boyfriend so my dad was really mad at them. When he tells them that it's not good and if they really love their parents they should come home and live with them; my sisters say that they don't want to live in a poor country and suffer as my dad doesn't have a proper job. Because whenever he's in need of money he calls my sisters, they think that my parents love them just for money and use them. Isn't a parent allowed to take money from their kids when needed?
If someone comes proposing to my sisters my dad says no because shes studying but when the guy send her an email she was mad at my dad and mom that they want her to marry him because of dowry. Also my sisters don't respect him because he used to drink in our childhood as well as taking money from my mother. I'm always worried how my family split, but as I told you I'm the youngest sister and 18 years old, none of my sisters would listen to me they think I'm immature and don't know whats going on. But I see how my dad is getting hurt every time they disrespect him and it hurts me the most.
Always when something happens my sisters take it wrong way and on top they don't listen to my parents to hear what actually happened. They just start complaining to my parents that every time we call them we just ask for money also they told my dad "you dont know how to talk", my dad was really mad that he has to see such a day where his daughters are teaching him how to talk.
Sorry if it seems confusing but can you give me some advice on what should I do? I'm soon going back to Canada to work for my parents and help them financially because in Ukraine theres no job for me. But I just can't stand seeing my sisters infront of me swearing and crying about my parents when I have seen my familys life in ukraine and I know the truth but I know they won't listen as I have tried my whole best and they even screamed at me not to interfere.
Please show me some way to unite my family or to show my sisters that disrespecting parents is haram and that they have sacrifised all their life just to send us to Canada and have a better life. Also in my opinion, I think my sisters have somehow forgotten who my dad is because they haven't seen him for 5 years and they only have bad memories of him. Everytime they talk about him its only about how he used to be strict on clothes and he wouldn't let them talk with guys. I never heard them remembering the good stuff about him. It really hurts me.
Jazakallahu khairan brothers and sisters.
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Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Allah has blessed you with a good heart, and I really love you for the sake of Allah because you want to have a better relationship with your father, and help your sisters to learn to have some respect for him. I know this is hurting you, because you are not able to change their minds.
This is the most important thing to remember: You cannot change anyone, you can only change yourself. Much as you would like to force understanding on your sisters, you cannot do it. As you say, they have been away from home for many years and only have bad memories of your father. You have held the ties of kinship and are able to see your father with some love and compassion, and Allah will reward you for this.
Now, Islamically, it is the requirement for the father to completely support his wife and daughters financially, and they are not obligated to support him. If they, out of family duty and compassion, send money back to him, then this is a sadaqah from them and Allah will reward them for it. If he is able to work enough to support the family that is with him in Ukraine, even in a very simple fashion, then he has no right to ask for money for his daughters. Allah made men the supporters and maintainers of women, so he has to support them and not the other way around.
Obviously, your sisters are independent, working and having their own money, so they don't need it from him. What is sad is that since your father apparently did not raise them according to Islam, they do not have the strong foundation of the Qur'an and Sunnah in their lives and are living a typical western life, with boyfriends and independence and no rules. If they do not pray the five daily prayers, then indeed they have taken themselves outside the fold of Islam, and if they were to Allah forbid die in that state, they could end up in Jahannum, either for a period of time or permanently, may Allah protect us from such a fate. So the situation is very complex and there is no easy solution.
Let's concentrate on YOU. Alhamdulillah, Allah has put a softness in your heart. First of all, the best thing you can do for your family is to be a good role model, so I encourage you to pray the five daily prayers, fast, give zakah from your income, make sure your job is permissible, and stay away, far far away, from committing fornication. Continue to uphold the ties of family and encourage your mother, father, and brother in Ukraine to pray and fast as well. Advise them in a loving and soft manner, because since you are the youngest, they will not take well to harsh advice. Encourage your father to surround himself with other strong Muslim men, and to take his son along, so that he can have the courage to worship Allah in the right way. It is never too late to repent to Allah. And if your father is stubborn in certain areas, such as not letting his daughters marry or in asking for money, overlook his faults as best you can and concentrate on his positive aspects.
As for your sisters in Canada, you also cannot advise them too strongly because they will not respect you due to your youth. With them, the best thing is to see you being a strong, practicing Muslimah. Even if they laugh at you or disrespect you, or make fun of the fact that they have boyfriends and you do not, do not let their behavior discourage you. You are responsible for YOU, not them. Let your example be a beacon of light for them. Perhaps in time Allah will use you to bring them all back to Islam and to develop a more healthy family life.
Do not be discouraged if everyone continues on his way or her way, and still is wrapped up in this dunya. Make du'a for them, because Allah can change the hearts Spend your time learning about Islam by visiting beneficial websites, going to the masjid in Canada or Ukraine, and reading about the life of Prophet Muhammad, may Allah's peace and blessings be upon him, so you can see the incredible challenges the early Muslims had to overcome.
So, what do do in the upcoming months? Busy yourself with 'ibaadah, worship, and charity, and good deeds. Work hard and live simply. Send back some money to your father, but don't feel like you have to send it all or you should feel guilty if he thinks you are not contributing enough. Upholding family ties with him does not mean agreeing to everything he says, especially if he is greedy about money and wants you to support him. That is not your job. Spend on your family what you can and what you feel comfortable with, but don't feel obliged to carry the whole load. Be kind, don't say harsh words, bite your tongue before a bad word comes out, remember Allah much, and know that no good deed goes unnoticed by Allah.
I would also tell you that, once you have developed the discipline of prayer and fasting and such, that if you find a good man who is a good candidate for marriage, you should not hesitate in getting married, because you have to protect yourself from committing fornication and not fall into the sin that your sisters are in. If your father cannot agree to this because he fears you won't send him money, well, he is not doing his duty as your wali and you can ask to have an Imaam in your locality in Canada serve as your wali, since no woman can marry without one. Your father does not have the right to prevent you from marrying a suitable man, so even if he is angry you must not obey him and still be kind to him.
It's a lot to think about and a lot to do, but take it one day at a time, concentrating on learning your Islam first and foremost, and then get on with your life. Remember, you can't change them. You CAN avoid conflict by limiting visits, keeping to yourself, and just refusing to get in between them. You have to carve out a healthy life for yourself and not try to be referee for the family for the rest of your life. May Allah bless you and give you patience and the ability to endure, Ameen. And Allah knows best.
Fi Aman Allah,
Sister Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Bissmillahhirahman Irahim.Let Allah keep you Dear Lena.If you love your parents and respect them you will be keep by Allah.