Getting married soon, need advice about sex
Asslaam Alaiikum,
I am a 35 year old male and will be getting married very soon. I was raised up in a very strict family, and I am also not well educated. I do not know about sexual intercourse - how we should do it and when.
I am also confused about the periods of woman, when it happens and when I can have sexual intercourse. If I get married and want to have children, how will I know if she has a period or not?
Please give me full details, and I am sorry for the bad English.
thank you,
-kasim
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As-salamu alaykum brother Kasim,
If you can, try to purchase a book like "The Joy of Sex". It's basically a sex manual, with simple drawings illustrating various sexual positions.
Here's a quick summary of what you need to know:
1. Foreplay is as important as intercourse (more so, for many women). You can probably find many articles online explaining about foreplay. Here are a few (sorry about the pictures - nothing I can do about that):
http://fhm.co.za/the-fhm-guide-to-foreplay/
http://www.mademan.com/the-idiots-guide-to-foreplay/
2. You and your wife can have intercourse any time you please, and as often as you like. If you mean how long should you wait after marriage (like should you do it immediately), that's up to the two of you. There is no requirement to have intercourse immediately.
3. Many intercourse positions are possible. This article on Men's Health magazine has some simple drawings that demonstrate the different sexual positions:
http://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/sex-positions-guide
4. A woman's menstrual period normally occurs for about 2 to 7 days each month. During this time she bleeds from her vagina, and may also experience physical symptoms like cramps, and emotional symptoms like depression or irritability. It is not allowed in Islam to have sexual intercourse at this time, but you can still engage in other intimate physical contact (kissing, hugging, caressing, etc). Here's a good primer on menstruation. It's written for teenage girls, but will tell you more than you need to know, I think: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/body/on_the_rag_a_guide_to_menstruation
AskMen.com also has this article on how to treat a woman during her period:
http://www.askmen.com/dating/heidi_150/176_dating_girl.html
5. How will you know if your wife is menstruating? Ask her! Or she might tell you when you attempt to begin intimacy.
6. Do NOT turn to pornography for information. For one thing it's haram. Secondly it will not give you useful information; rather it will corrupt your image of women and distort your concept of what a healthy sexual relationship should be.
May Allah bless your marriage and make it a source of joy and barakah for both of you.
Wael
On the authority of Jaabir bin Abdullah raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) and Jaabir bin Umar, both reported that the Prophet ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) said:“All things in which there is no mention of Allāh are frivolity, absent-mindedness and idle play, except for four things: a man being playful with his wife, training his horse, walking between two purposeful goals and teaching another man to swim.” [An-Nisa'ee in al-Ishrah and at-Tabaree] [1]
Imām Ibn Qudama [ra] the Hanbali Jurist narrates a hadith that the Messenger of Allāh said, “Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire, like the desire you experience, lest you fulfill your desires before she does.” (AlMughni 8:136)
Narrated by Sayyidna Anas raḍyAllāhu 'anhu (may Allāh be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allāh said “Not one of you should fall upon his wife like an animal; but let there first be a messenger between you.” “And what is that messenger?” they asked, and he replied: “Kisses and words.” (Musnad Al Firdaus- imām Daylami)
“If you would have pleasant coition, which ought to give an equal share of happiness to the two combatants and be satisfactory to both, you must first of all toy with the woman, excite her with kisses, by nibbling and sucking her lips, by caressing her neck and cheeks….Then when you observe the lips of a woman to tremble and get red, and her eyes to become languishing, and her sighs to become quicker, know that she is ready.”Shaykh Muḥammad Umar Nefwazi in The Perfumed Garden
A'isha raḍyAllāhu 'anha (may Allāh be pleased with her) narrates that the Messenger of Allāh ṣallallāhu 'alayhi wa sallam (peace and blessings of Allāh be upon him) would kiss her whilst he was fasting (m, refer to the fiqh of kissing during fast) and he would suck her tongue.” (Sunan Abu Dawud, no. 2378)
http://muslimmatters.org/2013/05/03/vignettes-on-female-sexuality/
Remember brother, a portion of your honor is in being able to satisfy your wife. You need to follow the sunnah of an-Nabi sallahualayhiwasalam so that you are rightly guided. May Allah bless your marriage.
Wael,
Don't you think the links you sent with pictures showing various sex position are haram ?
Allah hafiz
No, I don't. They are simple drawings showing no details, and they are for the purpose of education, not titillation.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Wow never expected such links from an Islamic website mod. They are very explicit pictures.
I found them pretty explicit too. I think there are probably better pictures around(stick figures) and such....
But better is to tell this fellow about what he must do(foreplay, get his wife excited before the act) and let these two virgins play with each other and discover Allah's mercies like that.....not need to ruin the fun of discovery!!!
There are 111 posts pending Wael. I don't understand why mods take so long to post them. It becomes pointless to the OP after 2-3 months which is the usual time frame for a post to be posted. People need advice right away not after everything has been ruined for them. Why can't you guys post them right away?
Assalaamualaikam
The delay at the moment isn't the usual time frame for a post to be published, but is due to a combination of the editors being very busy at the moment (with things that can't be put off - for example, I had professional exams this month, so have had to spend more time than usual studying for those), and the site becoming more popular - meaning more work, but also more opportunities to help people, Alhamdulillah.
The editing process for a post takes time, as we need to prepare the post for publication. For example, sometimes we receive questions in different languages, or where there's a lot of txt spk (text speak), which needs translating so that people can read it and reply. We also source Islamically appropriate pictures, and if someone's question has already been answered we direct them towards those resources (eg. a general question about masturbation, about which there's a lot of published material on this site, so it makes sense to let people access it).
In addition, it takes time for people to read and reply to a post - one of the best things about posting a question here is that people from around the world offer and debate different viewpoints. If we published posts right away, people's questions would risk getting lost and not answered fully.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I'm as far away from this subject as possible....not anywhere near marriage.......but, being curious about this(blame my age lolz) i check this out on Wikipedia.
"The Joy of Sex spent eleven weeks at the top of the New York Times bestseller list and more than 70 weeks in the top five (1972–1974).[1]
The original intention was to use the same approach as such cook books as The Joy of Cooking, hence section titles include "starters" and "main courses". The book features sexual practices such as oral sex and various sex positions as well as bringing "farther out" practices such as sexual bondage and swinging to the attention of the general public."
Don't want to screw with this brothers brain. Pun not intended. I think though, you should delete those links Wael.
Assalaamualaikam
Sex education can be a tricky subject, as we need to obtain information while adhering to Islamic guidance. There are many websites available, but one of the problems here is that it can be difficult to be confident that the information provided is accurate and in line with Islamic principles - what you need firstly is a basic knowledge of Islamic guidance on the issue, from reliable sources.
It might help to approach an imam or a respected member of your masjid, and ask them to direct you to an appropriate source of information. You wouldn't even need to say it was for you - just that you're looking for resources that teach sex education in an Islamically appropriate way, and can they help. If you have a local Islamic bookstore run by an approachable brother, you could even ask him to point out some helpful books.
One website that I found quite helpful for other issues was http://www.islamicity.com - I don't know what their sex education resources are like, but I generally found the site quite helpful in terms of getting basic factual information about Islam and Islamic guidance on various areas of life. (This isn't a site endorsement or guarantee of accuracy - just a suggestion).
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
I noticed that you also asked about having children. This is a good question. When you and your wife decide to try for children it is important for her to know her menstrual cycle as pregnancy usually occurs mid cycle. Each woman varies as to the length and duration of her cycle. Your wife may have an idea as to how to chart her most fertile days, and she may not. There are quite a few ovulation calendars available on the internet that you as a couple can investigate when you decide to try for a child. Some are more accurate than others, so I would recommend that after marriage, your wife visit her doctor for advice in this area. It is very important that women under the age of 26 years visit a gynecologist for yearly exams to insure their reproductive health. A gynecologist will be able to help your wife understand her cycle (if she doesn't already) and give her advice as to when is the best time to try for a child. I wish you both good blessings in your marriage, and much happiness.