I don’t want to marry him
Salam Alaikum ..
I was engaged to this guy for a year. My mum and my family have talk to me about getting married to him. At first i did't want to . They keep pressure me till i said yes to see him and make my decision . When I saw him for the first time, I wanted to marry him. I was happy and excited . A week after I saw him we got engaged. I was ok with that. Then like a every engaged couple we go out and we spend time with each other , to get to know each other well. But suddenly I felt that I did't want to be with him. After I knew him well, I didn't want to spend my life with him. Everything he did gave me nausea. I did't want to be with him. Everytime he took me out I just want to go home again. I have the strange feeling inside me . My mum and dad where very happy that I was engaged. One day I could't anymore. I told them how I felt. My mum start to cry, and everyone was in shock . They did't want to belive it, and some om them got really angry at me. I was dying inside and no one whould help me. He is a really good man. But I did't know why I hate him so mutch. I wanted to love him, but I chould't. There where everyday problem. Everyday !! .. One day my family and him decided that we have to break the engagment. I where happy. My family took it okey .
Then a week ago, he talk to my uncle and told him if it possible for us getting engaged again. My uncle asked my mum and my dad , and they said yes. I chould't believe it. I want to cry . My mum and dad try to convice me that it is best for me . Because he is a good man(really he is) . But I really dont want to marry him. He wait for me to say yes.
I have pray to Allah and ask Allah for help. But I dont know what to do ? .. Can you please help me ?
muslimamg
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As salamu alaykum, sister muslimang,
I agree with everything that brotherMunib has explained to you, he has given you an excellent advice, I only want to reinforce that you should stay firm and not marry this man. None of you deserve to live a life of anguish, deception and hate; sister the best you can do for yourself and for him is not marry him.
I´ve seen so many women now that they married forced by their parents or that they don´t love their husband, or that they don´t feel attracted towards them, this can be hell on earth. Please, sister you are still on time not to be one of them.
What brotherMuniib said about that if you didn´t dated this man, you felt you liked him at the begining, I have the feeling too, that if you married at that time you were in love today, but you lost the magic of the moment and I don´t see a way to recover it.
Intimacy should come with marriage, none of us are perfect, we all lack of something and even in our own family with our most loved ones, we can always find faults, I am the first one full of faults, but our unconditional love for them makes us look to them in a different way, this is the kind of love you will find in a life time partner, you will look at him 30 years from now and you will say, how is it possible that I love you more everyday, our bodies will change, our character will change, we will commit mistakes, we will have to forgive, we will have to adapt, we will learn to accep, .......so many things involved in marriage life.
Sister if you don´t want to be with him, be clear to your family, because if you bent to your family pressure you will be ruining his life and your life, and if you have children, ....you can think about it. He deserves someone that really want to share her life with him, insha´Allah. This is a life time commitment, don´t think I will give it a try and if not I will divorce, because you maybe losing the opportunity of finding the person you are called to be, insha´Allah.
Your parents should be open to more proposals, I do believe they let you dating because they were sure you were going to marry, sounds like your honour is on the way too, please talk clear to your parents, sit with them and let them know you are not giving up, that you repent and that you ask for their forgiveness, maybe a way to begin to solve the situation, insha´Allah.
Put yourself in his bones too, he maybe in love with you, if you have the opportunity ask for his forgiveness too, insha´Allah. This may sound weird to you, but even when it may seem it is not your fault, when we cause others suffering, we should acknowledge our part in it and ask for forgiveness, there are many victimes here.
Get closer to Allah(swt) is the best advice I can give you right now, ask Him(swt) for guidance, pray Istikhara(you have a link on top of the page where you can learn everything about it), continue praying to Allah(swt) with all your Heart, He(swt) listens to you, Alhamdulillah.
All my Unconditional Love, Respect and Support,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaamu alaikum. . . . I agree with sis maria and br.munib. . . . I agree that it is good for her to go for a man that see loves,, however, i wish to say some harsh truth.. (i apologise if i will hurt muslimamg) you see, we are in an era that it is difficult for ladies to find a good and religious muslim men to marry... Countless numbers of females (some in there 30's, some even in there 40's) are out there despirately waiting for this oppurtunity that you are having... Some of them (at this late hour) have not even married for the first time and are despirately searching for this oppurtunity you are having. . . . . . You were not able to point out a single reason why you said you hate this man, in fact you testified that he is a very good man and so do ur parents.. As far as i am concerned, i see this as a blessing and an opportunity given to you by Allah (if i consider the conditions of other women). . . . What gave you guarantee that you will ever meet such a man with a nice and good behaviour as this man you are about to loose. . . Pls you should think deeply b4 taking and step further. . . . Really sister, i feel that if you loose this oppurtunity given to you by Allah, you might find it difficult to grab it again . . . . . . . . . ALLAH KNOWS BEST. . . . . Wassalamualaikum warahmatullah. . .
My dear child,
This is your life and as such you have to trust the feelings that you have. With all due respect, your parents are wrong to push you forward even though you are being honest with them how you feel. Do not feel bad for standing up for yourself. Girls every day are seeking divorce because their parents like yours would not listen to them when they told them no. They end up in loveless marriages and are miserable. God willing this man will find a partner that will love him and cherish his company. Chemistry is critical for two people and you either have it or you don't. Trust your gut instincts.
Assalamu alaykum Sister Muslimamg,
I am happy you wrote and shared your trouble here.
We can give you advice and Allah alone can help you, so turn to Him for guidance.
Sister, if you do not like someone and do not feel you want to marry that person, then stick to your decision. Because if they persuade you to get engaged to this guy again and you say yes and then again the same problem would stem up if you feel hate instead of love in your heart towards him.
Sister, what happened with you is not a happy event, but we have to know that Allah has set some guidelines and laws in Islam which if we do not obey than the consequences are the same as this what happened with you.
It is not a part of Islamic faith to get engaged and move around, dating like it is prevelant in most world cultures today. Islam is a religion of Allah and is not a culture.
So sister Muslimamg, my advice is say sorry to Allah and repent for your going out with the guy during the period of engagement.
This incident is not a lone case that we have seen. It is now happening fast and Muslim girls and boys are quick at breaking engagements as well as their is increasing rate of divorce and all this is due to a lack of the foundations of Islam within us.
Sister, one of my cousins got engaged to a girl he saw in a marriage ceremony here. They liked each other, exchanged phone numbers, he proposed marriage to her, she said yes after some days, then they started going out for a few months and then families said yes to their marriage, they had a big engagement and everyone was happy. He showed the girl 90 movies in 2 years and got her all sorts of gifts and talked for hours on phone causing long phonebills and this continued for about 2 years. And just this February the girl said I do not feel any love for him, we do not feel connection etc etc and without giving an excuse or valid reason she broke the engagement.
I am always in favor of direct marriage without any sort of engagement and going out and I used to advice my cousin all the time, but someone his family had set Novemeber this year as their wedding month and until November could come they broke up.
No one of from either sides is taking any blame or fault. So it is just like all was good and sudden end.
Now you know why this happens usually?
Because of too much mingling before marriage. Couples know almost each and everything about each other before marriage which they should know after marriage or at least start to know after marriage.
It makes lose the charm of marriage. When you marry someone you slowly get to know, develop friendship, love, discover someone, hee already research and discoveries are made and there is nothing good left to be known. People almost tell everything about families, personal details, past, their nature, their relatives, almost all kinds of details and then the same given details start troubling the mind. And so liking starts to change in to dislike and love starts to become hate.
Allah knows us humans well and so he has prescribed marriage as a starting point of male female relations. Being Muslims we should abide by His rules. May Allah guide us all and keep us on His Path.
If you have decided not to marry him, then stick to your decision.
In your case I believe you tried to like his company and soon when you went out you wanted to go back home. The relationship started to get heavier and heavier on you until one day you broke the news that you do not want to marry him.
You wrote a very important line, "After I knew him well, I didn't want to be with him". So this is what I was trying to express in above writing.
Beware next time also, any guy you choose to marry - first get to know his akhlaaq (manners) and his commitment to Islam and get to see him, hear him in presence of a mahram, talk out the points you like to talk and want to know from him about life or himself and once you feel things seem good, only then say yes.
Remember Allah much and praise Him and stick to a decision you take.
But the best advice I can give you is: Do not follow your desires, else you will go astray. Be just, act justly. Read the Qur'an a lot. Know what happened at the advent of Islam, what was the Message of the brought, being Muslims how should we live, how should we behave, what should we do to please Allah and how should we save ourselves from the Fire and strive for Jannah.
The Qur'an Insha Allah is the best advice for you to read. Let Allah speak to you and convey to you His Message, if He wills Insha Allah and you would then see a clear way ahead in life, Insha Allah.
Pray regulalrly 5 times and Tahajjud if you can, Insha Allah and remember Allah much. For in the rememberance of Allah do hearts find rest.
Remember your aakhirah, Qiyamat, death, all approaching, make preparations for it by worshipping Allah and doing good deeds.
I am a guy and in some problems I really do not sound sympathetic, though all my sympathy is with you, but I know this post looks a bit of teaching and admonishment.
I hope other sisters will give better advice to you then what I gave.
Salaam.
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Therefor give good tidings (O Muhammad) to my bondmen, who hear advice and follow the best thereof. Such are those whom Allah guideth, and such are men of understanding.- Surah 39, Az Zumar, verse 17-18.