IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

As-Salam Alekyum,

I am nineteen, and about to graduate from college with my degree. I'm Palestinian, and the man I want to marry is Persian. We are six years in age difference. My family wants him to return to college and get a higher degree before marrying me. His mother dislikes me because I am Palestinian, even though his father approves of me. He lives a normal, simple life, and is established since a young age. He is very religious, mashallah, and my father approves. Our mothers are critical of us, his being prejudiced, and mine being picky.

I plan to achieve higher education that would surpass the man I love, and my mother keeps pressuring me to find someone who is "at my level" if he does not return to the university. We both love each other very much, and he is a very good man. We both want to get married, and wanted to start off with a halal way but the problems our mothers put in our way has led us to sneak behind them to meet and be together (in the presence of friends). His mother knows about this, yet mine does not.

My mother is the only daughter of 9 who had higher education, and married much later than her sisters. She is imposing a life on me I do not want, as I wish to get married to avoid haram, and she confronts me saying that it is a "waste of a good mind" and that I should not "be tied up so young". She clings to me way too much. She has chased away a man who expressed interest in me, and who i managed not to get close with Alhamdulillah, but the thought of it.. is that she is picking MY husband FOR ME.

My third cousin, an engineer, has expressed his wish to marry me.. and the man I love is not an engineer, but he makes more than enough mashallah. My mother constantly tells me not to close the doors on the engineer, but I do not want to marry even a distant relative.. especially born and raised overseas. My mother claims the man I love will not be compatible with me because I will have a more "educated mentality".. but I know if I even CONSIDERED the engineer, we would clash because I am very more open-minded and he is traditional and raised on overseas culture.

My mother wishes to live her dream life through me. This is not what I want. My mom avoided early marriage because of her want for higher education. I believe I can be married and obtain my master's at the same time, she is very wary and pessimistic about it.

I can not tell my mother I am meeting the man I love, though not touching him but just to talk, because she would be ashamed. The community is very hypocritical -- all the muslim youth date, and yet cover it up and gossip about others. My mother is aware of this, and I understand her maternal instincts. But she even admitted the man I love was religious and good, yet she is trying to tie me down to culture and traditional ways that are out-dated and are inefficient (at least for me).

She always lectures me, and tells me not to throw myself away. She does this constantly, but with this mentality, it led her to marry at quite an older than average age -- thus, our mentalities are totally opposite since we are several generations apart.

I am TIRED of her lectures. I want to marry a good man, and the one I love is good and has a clean heart. She cries a lot about this matter, and tries to make me feel guilty that I would be "leaving her". I made a comment about my mother's family, because my mother dominates the wireless phonelines, and spends minutes talking to her relatives, yet when I talk to him she snaps and tells me I'm becoming loose and invaluable.

I have on several occasions wanted to leave my home. My mother has put too many obstacles for me that I can not and most importantly DO NOT want to achieve.

I would be grateful for any advice, my heart is not at ease. I do not want to hurt her, but no matter what I do she criticizes me and lowers me down for any mistake. Whether I am slow in my house chores, falling behind in a class that is not my forte, or wanting to purse the man who has proposed to me.