How to cancel my wedding?
Tubal ligation is a permanent voluntary form of birth control (contraception) in which a woman's fallopian tubes are surgically cut or blocked off to prevent pregnancy.
Assalam o alaikum brothers and sisters
I was in 'love' with someone, and I had told my parents about my desire of wanting to marry him. I was quite serious about him. However, I have become a bit more mature and islamically more knowledgeable I guess over the past few months. Hence, now I want to marry someone who is islamic. I am not so practising right now, but I want to be practising and it would be really nice if I can have a hubby who will try to help me in this.
However, I cant choose an islamic spouse for myself, because I am engaged to someone now. At the time I was getting engaged - a few months ago- I had feelings for the person that I thought I was in love with and I wasnt too happy with the engagement, however, I decided to go with my parents choice and I agreed upon the engagement.
My fiance is really really nice and I have really bonded with his family. To be honest , a part of me is finding it difficult to break this engagement. Yet, I also sometimes feel that after marrying my fiance - who is a sweet person - I will probably feel unsatisfied and feel kind of there being something huge missing in my life basically, since he is not so religeously commited as I would want and need him to be, and as far as I know him, he probably wont even be so religeous in the future either, whereas I on the other hand want to live an islamic lifestyle.
I also feel quite hesitant and anxious about my marriage being now. I dont quite know what is making me hesitant towards this marriage. I suppose, I dont believe in myself much and kind of fear being not a good wife, because I have a lot to improve on about myself inorder to be able to hopefully take care of myself and family. it may also be that due to having a lot of hardship and stress whilst growing up, I feel I havent quite lived my youth and I just want to relax a bit and enjoy myself before taking on adult responsibilities ( though I could enjoy after marriage too hopefully, perhaps alot more than now, yet, I still want to remain single for some time ); may sound childish but I dont want to be sharing my room with someone else, at least not now. Basically, whatever it is but I just dont quite feel ready for marriage yet and more importantly, i dont want to marry my fiance. So there are two matters rather than one. Firstly, my wanting to marry later rather than now and secondly, I dont want to marry my fiance
Despite my anxiety, I wouldnt have minded so much about going forwards with the marriage. However, marrying my fiance im just not really sure about. After all, its not a little matter. spending ur whole life with someone whose outlook on certain things differs from urs, it can be difficult! He is really nice, and I have particularly very much bonded with his family now as well, and I dont want to lose such nice people, as in-laws they are wonderful! Plus, breaking this engagement is no little or easy thing, and so in one way i dont quite want to break this engagement. On the other hand, I do feel at times that it may be best to break this engagement, after all he is not the only good guy left on this earth. There are many religious brothers out there. I dont just want a good guy hubby, I want him to be religiously commited too.
I have tried doing istikhara a few times, I want to do it again, however, im not sure how halal my diet is, hence, im not sure if my istikhara would get accepted or not. There are two things that i would need to think about if I decide to break this engagement. firstly, how to break this engagement and secondly, how to get an islamic spouse after breaking this relationship.
I guess the second problem is fairly easy to deal with, I could just say no to the proposals that I dont like. I suppose, it will be difficult to find someone but not even that difficult, at least easier than the first problem, which is how to break the engagement!
Allah knows best, but I dont think it is wise for me to take the risk to tell my parents or fiance regarding my feelings about this relationship, since I feel, or perhaps even more like know so, that they will find it hard to digest and understand my view, since their views are quite different to mine, though they are very nice, and I feel they will hopefully break the engagement and not force me. however, it will obviously be a bit of a sad phase between the two families and I may even get misunderstood by them. I realise the best and easy solution to this problem is probably to directly and honestly express my feelings and thoughts. however, since my parents and fiance know about my 'past love' they will probably think that I am doing this for him, when that is not true.
So, I am really confused on how to deal with this situation! I need an excuse to break off this engagement without me getting in the picture. I have thought about sterilisation a few times, because sometimes I just feel its better to rather not marry at all than to my marry someone with whom I feel I may not be so happy and at peace with. However, because I heard permanent sterilisation is haram, it is therefore hard for me to take such a huge step, and plus I also realise that may be later on I will regret sterilisation... I dont reckon they would want to go further with me if I become infertile, at the same time I wont even get the blame ( I assume they wont be able to know that I got myself sterilised and they would rather think that im naturally infertile, and will probably cancel the wedding, without me being put at fault). however, this is a huge decision, and it is haram to sterilise - though im not sure if its haram in my situation or not- hence, I dont want to sterilise.
Please advice me on my situation. Im really confused on how to deal with this! How could I break this engagement? Please try to understand that due to cultural reasons breaking my engagement myself is quite a stigmatic matter. I dont want to humiliate my family or myself, neither do I want to be seen guilty in the eyes of my parents, so plz try to give me an idea where it doesnt involve me having to say anything to my parents or fiance. By the way, I cant get the help of a local imam. Furthermore, I may get some help from one of my aunties, however, I do need to tell her on what to do, since she will probably be confused as well on how to deal with this. Please bear these points in mind when advising. Sorry for the long question. Thank you.
Wasalam
- heyyyy
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Salaam.
This is a difficult one - I understand that its difficult in culture and will cause problems. However I strongly strongly advise you not to lie or make something up. This things have a habit of coming back to bite you in the future. And most importantly lying is haraam except in specific scenarios - this one is not included to the best of my knowledge and Allah knows best.
The best course of action is to be completely honest about how you feel - because ultimately it will be you living with the guy for the rest of your life. Sometimes unfortunately we need to break these cultural barriers to protect ourselves. The fact is people change - no one stays the same and maybe you've outgrown him or vice versa but you are well within your rights to not marry him. It is your choice. And not marrying someone on the basis of deen is a very valid reason.
You will definitely regret sterilisation. You need to avoid thinking too much in the present - instead think of the future. Yes OK if you cancel the wedding the families will be upset - and it will cause some difficulties but if the only other option you have is to marry him - then isnt it better for a bit of awkwardness for a while vs. a life with Mr wrong. Always always trust your gut instinct - and as you are doing Istikhaarah chances are its Allahs way of telling you this is not best for you.
Do speak to your aunt - explain to her what youve put here. Explain how you feel and stick to your guns about wanting an Islamic spouse. Look into practicing Islam yourself -take small steps - this will InshaAllah purify you, give you peace and make it more likely for yourself to find a practicing Muslim spouse when you are ready.
The families will most likely be more upset if they are lied to/ given excuses rather than just hearing the whole truth. So please consider that - you may just have to come clean - marriage should not be taken lightly. And the truth is people talk - people think things - so what if they think its because of another guy? People will always think different things.
Another very important thing ask Allah swt in dua to show you the right way and He will help you. He (swt) knows best.
Sara
IslamicAnswerscom Editor
I realise ur advice is right. However, it is an extremely difficult situation. I guess telling the truth wld be less problematic for me than telling a lie, but I dont know about the effects of it on my family, im confused.
I appreciate that it's difficult but doing the right thing is never easy. I cannot say whether or not this guy is right for you in marriage. Only Allah swt knows that. But gut feelings are nearly 100% right. And always marry for the right reasons not the wrong ones. Never marry unless you 100% want to, even if your family like the guy, even if he is religious or a 'good guy'. If you have genuine reservations about compatibility then you it's not recommended.
Seriously sister - take a look around this site - a good look at some of the problems that can arise by marrying due to family pressure. Some of it is because people tried to go against their family and their family refused. Others because they were too scared to tell their family that this marriage is not right so they went ahead.
And do not get sterilised! You will almost certainly regret it and as sister Z said it is a foolish weak thing to do. Stand up and be brave sister. I know how you feel about pleasing everyone all the time - I suffer from it too and I am being a bit harsh because honestly it messes you up and causes so many problems. You can't please everyone all the time and sometimes to do the right thing you will have to displease someone. The most important thing is is Allah swt pleased.
Think about sis and please dont consider sterilisation!
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Ditto Sara. I think thats where my harsh tone came from too. Because I know how trying to please everyone all the time can really mess you up. I know, because I'm suffering from it too. May Allah help us all, aameen.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I think its more of a female thing to be honest - I see the opposite in my mahram relatives - Complete and utter straightforwardness. I dont know how they do it?! But it is necessary at times to put your foot down.
May Allah swt help us all. Ameen.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Sister,
I noticed that you submitted exactly the same post again. Please refrain from doing this as it creates extra and unnecessary work for our team. If you have any questions regarding this same issue, please comment on this post that has already been published and we someone will respond to you insha'Allah.
All I can do is reiterate the advice given by Sister Sara - and that is to speak the truth. If the only goal you have in mind is to keep pleasing everyone, you will eventually drain yourself out and make some of the worst mistakes of your life. See this as a test, the challenge for you is to rise up, step out of your shell and to learn to speak and communicate with your family.
And no offence intended, but steriliazation would be the most foolish, weak and cowardly thing you could ever do Sister. Having children is one of the biggest blessings a woman could have, and some women crave to have children but cannot because they biologically cannot not or because they are having difficulties finding a husband. So reading that you were considering such a thing, really infuriated me. You are actually making something that does not need to be a problem into a problem. If you do not want to marry the one you are engaged to, let him free so he can marry someone who actually 'wants' to marry him. You are not doing anyone any favours by letting this engagement go on. So speak to the guy directly and tell him the truth and if you feel unable to do that, then you said you have an aunt you can speak to. Speak to her and ask her to deal with it as she see's fit.
If you keep trying to keep everyone happy, this will backfire terribly. A bit of unhappiness for everyone now is better that a torn marriage and divorce later on - that will cause a lot more pain and heartache. Let him go to marry someone who truly wants him.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
SisterZ spot on,Sister like you said you are seriously not ready for marriage with anyone yet, i mean to consider sterilization, just tell your family the way you are thinking and maybe they will see you are not ready to be a wife to anyone at the moment.
And can i add this picture almost brings tears to my eyes, its horrific,
Hmm, hopefully the horrific reality of sterilization will knock some sense into the author of this post.
Sallam, am also in a similar situation to this sister, my parents r in support of our impending marriage but I always have dis doubt at the bck of my mind that I don't really like this brother anymore. Yes people that av talked to av tried to put my doubts as been nerves but I just can't shake it off. In my case am not getting any younger please brothers and sisters I really need your prayers because I don't know what will be the outcome when I decide to tell my parents I can't marry this guy anymore.