I don’t want to marry my cousin!
I am in trouble. My parents wants me to marry my cousin, they planned this 5yrs before and I refused my mother but he is my mother's nephew that is why she wanted this wedding so much and she didnt tell my father that I refused for this shaadi(wedding). I studied in co-education and I created a dream-land that which type of guy I wana marry.. Thats why i always refused my cousin because hes not the guy i wanted.
Then after graduation i joined job and a guy there liked me, he is much older than me and he never loved a girl before although he had so many girl firends but never loved anyone before. Indirectly i got to knw that he wana marry me, at first i refused because i didnt have any intentions for him like this but then i started liking him and now wana marry him too. I told my parents they said its matter of our respect that ur refusing a family purposal and wana do love marriage which never happend in our family, they tried to convience me very much.
I told my cousin the whole situation that i love someone else, i thought maybe he will refuse, he didnt refuse and said he wana marry me too. I started hating him because he knw everything then still he wana marry and this makes my parents against me that everyone is wanting this marriage except me. Emotionally i said yes for my cousin and then my engagement and wedding dates are decided. After a month they have decided to arrange our engagement cermony. I dont wana marry or engaged to him. 🙁
I still go to office and meet that guy whom i love and day by day my love for him is increasing, he knw i have said yes to my family for my cousin and he is very disheart that how can i say yes for my cousin when i love someone else. He is not understanding how my parents put their and family respect infront of me and in which circumstances i said yes. He is very loyal and he think im not loyal becuase he said if we love each other and want to marry then we should take stand and marry but I'm a weak person.
I don't wana lose my parents or hurt them i love my parents too but they are not supporting me at all even my siblings are not supporting me coz they all like my cousin. With each passing day i feel so bad that i dnt wana marry my cousin and still why this relation is not getting break. Daily I pray to ALLAH that please help me.. But my prayers are also not working now 🙁
I even asked molana to do istikhara and isthikhara is good with both. But only because of mu family respect and happiness i said yes 🙁 i dnt wana marry him and im helpless 🙁
Sometimes i feel i will do sucide before my engagement because i am so frustrated that i dnt wana marry my cousin.. 🙁
Gurya
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AsSalamualaikum
My sister, Shaitaan has taken control of your feelings. I say this, because of your attitude. Saying that prayers are not working, is wrong. Prayers do not work. it isn't magic. Allah responds to your prayers. he may delay, but my Lord is Mujeeb ad Da'waat (One Who Responds to Du'as). He May delay, or respond immediately. But if He does not, the Allah then He will give a return on the Final Day, insha Allah.
I will insha Allah advice you based on what I heard from the Ulama. If your parents chose your cousin because he is religious and righteous, then you should not deny marriage.
If you still think you would deny or you do not want to marry him, then you should indicate the reason here. Is it because you feel he is incompatible with you, then its a different issue altogether and you should Speak about the incompatibility to your parents.
But if your feeling is due to some other reason not acceptable in Islam, such as the man who you said likes you at office, then you can NOT but marry him, in case the cousin is Religious and upon the Sunnah.
If he is not Religious, you have the right to deny marriage and give this reason to your parents.
I urge you to perform Istikhaarah prayer with complete faith in Allah.
May Allah Make it easy for you.
Aameen
Muhammad Waseem
I think even if her cousin is religious, etc etc she is still not obliged to marry him. If she doesn't want him, it's her choice even if the guy is religious, maybe she doesn't like his personality or his way in general. She didnt like him even before she met the new guy. Her reasons of refusal belongs to her only, now her issue is how to deal with her refusal and her family pressure. We saw many example here that forced marriage have big chances to be unhappy marriage. She has right to deny the cousin.
i completely agree with you. being religious doesnt not mean that one should just say yes to a marry any guy or girl. you have to have mutual liking for each other as well.
i dont agree with brother waseem either.
Salamu'alaikum,
friend, this is what I meant when I spoke of the compatibility, as we find in the example of a Sahabi Zaid bin Haarith, who married a Sahabiyyah, just on recommendation of Rasoolullah Sallallahu 'Alaihi wasallam but they were not compatible with each other and did not have a liking. Hence, they were divorced.
Thanks,
Wassalamu'alaikum
Muhammad Waseem
Salam Alaikum.
My grandma (father's mum) mentioned to me today that my auntie (mother's sister) was asking for my hand for her son. i am 20 years old and dont feel like i am ready for all this stress at the moment but wanted to seek help.
when she told me i was so upset because a few years ago there was a similar situation where they wanted me to marry my other cousin (father's sister's son) but never asked/directly told me. they would always mention little jokes in front of me of how i am their daughter and it made me so upset.
during that time, i went through so much depression that i didnt know what to do to help myself. i told my mum but she told me to 'not be stupid' thinking i wasnt serious. i would cry myself to sleep and ask Allah (swt) to make people listen to me. it hurt me how my elder sister was always asked and advised on potential spouses but my feelings and mental health were'nt considered to all. long story short, that didnt end up continuing because we had some family issues with their side of the family.
back to today, i feel so guilty but i really dont want to marry him, not because he's my 'cousin' but because ive never thought of him like that. he's always been like a brother, especially because our mums have always been super close. he's a nice person too but that is what makes me sad is because i dont think id be able to have a marital relationship with him where i would need to be affectionate. ever since i heard about this i have been down, i read my salah and extra nafl and cried in sajdah, i dont want to disappoint my parents because ive been trying to be a better muslim and they have told me that theyre proud of me.
please, if you could, i would appreciate your advice and guidance regarding this issue.
Jazakallah khair,
Rabia
Assalaamualaikm my sister.
You live in the country with most marriage based on Genetic relationship or arranged marriage. You may see by yourself disadvantages or unhappy marriage like we sometimes find in this site. Or you want to have different athmosphere of a marriage life where your husband is not part of your family line.
In Indonesia some parents also play the role in finding their daughters or son’s partner but the last decision is in their daughters or sons’s hand. The difference here in my country, it is not common to have a marriage from family line. So in your case, what makes you difficult to say no is because of the family lines matter. Besides that, your mixed mind getting uncontrolled because of the man present. When you said your love getting bigger I need you to analize yourself whether its because your emotion that makes him as a reliefer or you really love him? Because you said you refused him at first.
If your siblings like your cousins, he seems a good man. The engaged time is coming soon and I just can say Allah knows the best. We never know what happen in the future. Many possibilities will happen. Illness, problems with kids, friends, neighborhood ( I just tell the bad things because these are about emotional and self defense ) and when that time comes, he may become the only one who can support you emotionally and he becomes your heart comforter and the most patient man in the world for you. Who knows? I just suggest you to think positively. Also parents blessing is very important for you.
Pls control your emotion and never think about suicide anymore. Why you want to choose something ( suicide ) that has real results like sin, Allah’s anger, family sadness and stain, shaytaan luck and of course punishment from Allah than facing Allah’s secrets laying in front of with someone who loves you and blessed by parents?
Pls do heart zikir and calm down yourself.
Wassalam
So... you agreed to marry your cousin because you want your family to be happy and don't want to hurt them, but you want to commit suicide? You don't think that will hurt your family and destroy their happiness? Very strange thinking.
I'm not making fun of you or belittling your pain. I realize that you feel trapped and confused. But I want you to see that suicide doesn't make sense, and is never an answer.
Sister, you are making the situation much more complicated than it has to be. If you don't want to marry your cousin, then just say, "NO" very clearly and stick to your statement. Don't back down, don't hesitate, don't vacillate. Do not give in to pressure or emotional blackmail.
Islam has given you the right to give consent, or refuse. No one can force you to marry someone you don't want, not even your own parents can do this in Islam.
Your future is in your own hands. You are praying to Allah for a resolution, but the resolution is simple. All you have to do is say no. Maybe your parents will be angry, maybe they will blame you, but in the end their anger will pass and they will accept your decision.
As far as the guy at your office, that's another story. You say he has had many girlfriends. That doesn't sound like someone with good Islamic character. Has he come to your family to make a proposal? Why not? What's he waiting for? It seems like his intentions are not clear.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam sister Gurya,
You are in a bit of a pickle aren't you. So to check: you are in love with a guy from work but are engaged to your cousin. You need to stop meeting this guy you love first of all. One it is haraam and two you are making the situation worse for yourself. If you continue this way you may God forbid lead yourself towards adultery. May Allah protect you.
Your fiancee
Please read the advice Brother Wael has given you very carefully. Be aware that the decisions you make now will affect you for the rest of your life. Never ever marry anyone to please your parents or for the wrong reasons. It has to be for the right reasons. You have every right to refuse this and if you do not you most likely will end up stuck in an unhappy marriage with someone you don't love. That is far far more lonely than being single. Dont believe me? Take a look around the site and you will see many examples of girls who caved in under family pressure and married a guy who was incompatbile with them or someone they didnt want to marry. The result: misery, isolation and depression. They end up resenting their families and parents or risking zina. So I urge you to exercise this right! No one can force you and no family honour is worth a life of misery is it?
The guy you love.
Whatever you decide, please do stop meeting this guy. It is haraam to have relationships in Islam and sweet talking is zina of the tongue so avoid this. It is an avenue for you to get used as well. There are many guys who seek 'marriage' with girls in order to get them into relationships. Honour yourself and dont give your heart or self to someone who you are not married. Dont be like the girl who falls for a 'potential husband' gets carried away and then gets upset when he leaves her. The only way to avoid this is to abide by Allah swt's laws and keep contact with non-mahrams within Islamic boundaries. Think very carefully about marriage to this guy an dont let your love for him cloud your vision. Is he suitable, its a bit of a concern that he has had loads of previous girlfriends. Do consider deen and also compatability.
Your first step should be to cancel the engagement. Stand your ground. Give your family some time to digest this and dont let yourself be blackmailed. Of course stop speaking to the other guy as well. The best way to end contact with this guy is explain to him in an email if you can that things must be kept withinIslamic boundaries. Give your family some time to cool and yourself some time to really think through whether marrying this man is a good idea or not. Do Istikhaarah (see istikhaarah Qs and As green link at top of page and read through each section very carefully to make sure its done correctly.)
If you and this guy still want to marry after some time has elapsed, request he approaches your family to ask for your hand in marriage. If he is sincere he wont run - if he isn't he'll either make up an excuse or will disappear. But dont be meeting him etc -
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
There is a problem that my family is getting things ready for the engagement. And i dont have courage to talk infront of my father. My sisters also not with me. My cousin knows that i dnt wana marry him. But he is not tqking qny step. He dont talk to me either. And my family's respect will affect which bothers me too. 🙁
Salaam sister Gurya,
May Allah guide us always to the right path.
All the brother and sisters above have Masha Allah shown you all the facets of the situation and pointed you to the right direction. Allah swt knows best what is best for us.
Please ask your heart what it truly wants. we have a saying that when you have to choose, toss a coin, it may not decide the matter for you but for the instant the coin is in the air, your heart will tell you what it truly wants.
Having said all of this, remember that you get only one life so please do not take any decision in haste. Think properly and then decide, try your best but if it does not happen submit to Allah swt's will. He is the most gracious and merciful.
May Allah show you the right path.
One more thing sister, I believe you have already asked a question regarding using the help of Mouqala, I don't know what the word means but I got to know from the post that you are trying to use something of the 'Ghaib' forces.
I don't know for what you want to do this but Please DO NOT do all this, it can be so dangerous.
May Allah Swt guide you.
Thanks rida.. My life is not in my hand. My parents have decided my life partner and that guy is very nice polite and humble, he even knows everything about me but he is ready to accept me with my all bad habits. But the thing is that i am in love with someone else. I know love is and developing feelings for someone is haram but i have and now i am unable to accept the person my parents have decided for me. Secondly my parents tried to convience me that my choice is not better than their choice which makes me more double minded because i love this person and wants to marry him but my family is against this relation and i dont wana take this decision by myself. If i toss the coin my heart will only say the name of person i want to marry.. But my brain says that dont take this decision all by urself.. 🙁 im damn confuse.
Dear Gurya,
Salaam.
You cannot be on two boats at once. Only you wll have to make that decision, no one else can make it because, firstly, we do not know anyone personally, secondly, it is your life.
If this helps you:
I was once in the similar situation where you are today. I had to choose between my family and the one I had in my heart. We did Istikhara and by Allah's grace we got the courage to fight for each other. My family does not talk to me now but I am happy with my husband and I know that marriages are pre-decided by Allah swt hence we have only followed His will.
I pray to Allah for my parents to understand Allah's will, and forgive me but it is difficult in my case because I was a non-muslim and I embraced Islam whole-heartedly before marriage. In your case it will not be so difficult if you choose to go against their wishes (I am not saying you should do that).
Decide well. May Allah help you in this and every other thing.
Hi all,
I am a gal belongs to a Muslim family...
(Please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you. - IslamicAnswers.com Editor)
I am facing the exact same thing you are sister. I know what kind of man I want to marry due to my observations while in a coeducation school. And i have met this guy in college. We get along really well, we want the same things in our future and we have the same type of upbringing. My love for him is based on attraction and logic and people around me tell me we are very compatible. But my parents planned for me to marry my cousin because he is Alim and very good status. I don't want to even get to know him because I know what I want and I don't know what to do. So I am going to meet him in one month and my parents won't even consider me marrying anyone else. I too feel like just running away or not marrying any man until they let me marry the one I choose . But I dont see that happening
For now, I think we can just pray for Allah's guidance. I know this life is to be devoted to Allah and if marrying this man will bring us to Jannah someday, let us just kill ourselves inside everyday to tolerate a man we do not love. And someday we will find happiness in syurga.
My mother also married a man she did not live for religion. She suffers everyday because my father does not respect her. So I don't know why she would do this to me too. But InsyaAllah the sacrifices we make would be worth something in Allah's eyes. For He is the most merciful, he will take care of us; no matter who we marry.
"let us just kill ourselves inside everyday to tolerate a man we do not love. And someday we will find happiness in syurga."
What a terrible thought. That's no way to live. Make your own choices in life. Exercise the free will that Allah has give you. Just make sure that the choices you are making are rooted in faith.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Love*
Salaam .. in islam its your decision on who you want to get married to aslong he's a good muslim. the guy you like had previous girl friends .. hw do u knw he's going to be faithful to you after marriage.. he is not a good muslim.. coz thats wrong in islam.. if i was you stay away from him.. Allah would guide you on right path InshaAllah.. but regarding ur parents proposal you need to talk to them and say that your not happy with the proposal.. coz the guy who ur parent chose for you knws you like someone else do you think he's going let you live in peace he will always taunt you. Speak up and dont be afraid .. no one can take ur rights away from you.. At the end take a wise decision... but plz stay away from the guy you like he sounds like he is not good muslim..
Your parents choice are better then your choice. Y Do u even talk to the office guy? If he was a good muslim he would have lowered his gaze and he has so many girlfriend. Sister stop talking to this guy, fear Allah!!!. You don't want to start your life disobeying Allah. Sister Allah has created animal,human and Angel. Animals are full of desires and angels has no desires( they only worship Allah ) but as human we have desires and the control for it. So if we control our desires we become better then Angels, and if we don't control it, we become worst then animals. So sister control your desires and remember you are only in this life to obey Allah NOT your desires. As for your cousin if he's a good muslim, Don't reject him. Allah say ''and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for you and that you like a thing which is bad for you. Allah knows but you do not know'' 2:216
Sorry for my english.
I am also in a similiar situation accept i am a male and forced to marry my moms sisters daughter...actually its beyond the point now we are married. Prior to marriage i was seeing a girl i loved and brought her name to my parents they did not accept because of family diffrnces and because she was pior court married and the guy did her wrong...but she is just as an average girl who doesnt practice islam as much (same as me) but is a very good hearted person...i hate when people(familty members, uncle, cousin) put her down that the family-her isnt as good as my wife...when my wife came to america i told her about everything including what iv done wrong and promised to try my hardest to love and carre for her...but i cant stop talking to the girl i truly love ive tried and do not succeed. My intensions are not 100% obviously but i am trying pretty hard...now since its already within a time in the Nikkah (2 years) seen eachother for 2 months we have pretty much fought every single day and she accepts that i might not change and wont stop talking to the girl i love..now she's to a point that she wants to return home and let me be happy...but i consider everyiones feelings involved in this obviously...my wife, my mom/dad, her mom/dad and sisters and so on...my parents ask me to swallow and listen to them and keep giving it my 100%....i truely am heart broken because i loved the first girl...jst because of someones past mistakes doesnt make them bad....i feel as if i were with my love maybe i would want to love, enjoy, not be sad, and pay more attention to Allah...SHOULD I GO AGAINST PARENTS AND MY WIFE AFTER MARRIAGE IF I AM UN-HAPPY?...ONCE AGAIN SHE'S A GREAT PERSON AMAZING BUT NOT HAPPY....PLS BROTHERS/SISTERS NEED UR HELP SORRY FOR GRAMATICAL ERRORS..
IKNOW THIS IS BAD/WIERD TOPIC BUT I AM TRUELY SEEKING HELP AND IM SAD EITHER WAY TO LOOSE MY PARENTS WHOM LIVED MASHALLAH THEIR LIVES INSHALLAH ALOT LONGER AND ALSO TO LOOSE WHOM I LOVED AND ASTAGFORALLAH...I AM TRYING MY HARDEST TO PRAY NOW AND ASK ALLAH FOR FORGIVNESS
Atif, if you need advice for your specific situation then please log in and write your question as a separate post, thank you.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Quran chapter 2 Vs24 Forbiden to u are ur mothers,ur daughters,ur sisters,ur father sisters,ur mother sisters,ur brother daughters,sisters daughers,foster mothers,forster sisters,mothers of ur wives,step daughters,wives of ur sons and two sisters together in marriage.
May i know what happened about your marriage? Are you happy with whatever you decided? I am in a similar situation.
my mom wants me to marry her nephew but I refuse because I want to marry someone else. she wants me to marry someone in the family but it doesn't have to be in the family because there is no one in the family left. I have already got someone who wants to marry me and he is on his deen and all of his family know about him. I fear if I tell my family my mom will say no then will curse me because I am not listening to her. the one she wants me to marry is not compatible with me as we are both difeerent people and I fear we have communication barriers please help what shall I do
Mariam, you have the right to choose your own marriage partner, and to refuse your parents' choice if you wish. Also, it is generally healthier and better to marry outside of the family, as there is a lesser chance of birth defects in the children. The guy who wants to marry you, let him come to your parents and propose marriage. Make it clear to your parents that this is the match you want.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
So you want to get your love by crushing the love of your cousin? That's Dark. He said he wanted to marry you even though you said you didn't. Don't you think you should see the other side of the picture. Your cousin loves you even though you hate him. This is the greatest type of love. On the other hand the other guy loves you because you love him. This is merely the most basic type of love which even animals can experience. You should change your thinking. Just imagine that cousin of yours loves you evwn though you hate him put yourself in his shoes how would you feel if the older man utterly hated you and you loved him dearly what would you want to happen?
Marry your cousin and try to love him even half of what he loves you or you would be doing a grave mistake.