I have absolutely no wish to get married. Ever. Is this haram?
Salam to all. I am a 21 year old female, and my parents have begun to try and have the marriage conversation with me. As stated in my topic line, I have absolutely no wish to get married, at all.
I have been honest with my parents and told them exactly that. Needless to say, they are not happy about that. I have witnessed almost all of my aunts and uncles go through at least 1 divorce (they all married Arab Muslims everytime), and my sister is going through a mental break down because my parents would not let her marry the man she wanted (also an Arab Muslim, like us), and now she is 24 years old and thinks she is too old for anyone to be interested in her.
My parents have tried to bully her into marrying men she was not interested in, but she refused. She is not able to cope, and I think she will end up needing mental help. Based on what I have seen, marriage seems like much more of a headache than it is worth. Don't get me wrong, I also have plenty of aunts and uncles who are happily married and totally in love. I do not wish to go through the headache of wanting to marry someone my parents hate, or marrying someone I don't like because they like him.
I am not the kind of girl who would elope, as my cousin did. Nobody talks to her now except a small group of us. I would rather never get married at all than marry the wrong person. I am perfectly happy with my life the way it is, I am not looking for Prince Charming, and the idea of never getting married and never having kids does not upset me. Even if it upset me in the future, I would rather be miserably single than miserably married to be honest.
All of this being said, is it actually haram for me to NOT want to get married ever? An answer that gets straight to the point is MUCH appreciated :-).
Salam,
Nadz
25 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
No it is not haraam to not to get married. Too many people including me have been pestered, rationalized and blackmailed into marriage to fit the family prescription. Expect a mountain of pressure, emotional blackmail, manipulation and toxicity from your family in particular your parents. They will try everything to see you married and keep you under their thumbs, remember manipulation paints you into a corner where it will seem that you must comply with the manipulator otherwise you will hurt them, "they are just being nice".No my friend they are not nice, they are self-centered and controlling.
You will reach a stage where you will have to decide whether keeping family ties are worth it. This is the most deceptive fitnah of our age, the fitnah of parents. Yes you will hear every maulvi, mufti, x, y and z say you have to respect your parents but you in your heart you know they are using you. I suggest you get strong, first emotionally and then financially. These are the keys which will enable you to cut the poision out of your life if it comes down to that, I strongly thing it will, people never change. The thrill of having control over someones life is enthrilling.
Don't let this problem take over your life. Marriage among muslims is a farce. Muslim couples are engaged in all the modren day fitnahs : mortgage, car loans, debt, materialism, showing off, gossiping, not praying, not fasting, not paying zakat, nor performing hajj, not ready for jihad. Yes marriage is "half our faith" as said by Muhammad (pbuh) but I strongly strongly feel getting married today is extremely dangerous : you become like slave to your family, paying the bills, paying for the big house, paying for the car, paying for the secular education people are so proud of, paying for your family entertainment. If you think you won't have to do this? that you will live unlike other muslims around you? think again, if you don't want it I can guarantee you your family will pester, nag, complain till you conform to this accepted social norm. In our prophet's time marriage was primarily a means to satisfy sexual need, modern materialism was not there, that was a different time where quranic ayats were considered mahr.
Get strong emotionally and financially, you will need it. Unfortunately I realized my parents manipulation after getting married. I am taking steps to take my life back, I have to selfish to be kind to myself. Please pray regularly and find comfort in it, Allah is the source of all strength.
Salaam Glacier,
I am sad to read your words: that is such a huge misconception about marriage. There are good marriages and bad marriages, and it really is up to the couple to create their lives.
Marriage is a system of care, he cares for you and you care for him,. Part of caring for someone is caring about what they care about, and most of the time that means family. Once you have your own children, they take priority and your husband or wife is your team mate, your coach when you are down, your counsellor when you are sad, a person who brings you a hot water bottle when you are cold, or gives you a hug when something is getting you down - marriage is a support system between two people, a close bond
Yes, there are problems and there is fighting and upset. Sometimes you will upset each other and annoy each other and you will have your conflicts: just like in every relationship (family, friends, colleagues and so on)
But ultimately, your husband is there to keep you safe from harm (emotional, physical, mental) and you are there to keep him from harm (emotional, physical and mental) and this is what is marriage. Sometimes, your husband will be going through a bad phase and he may be irritable or moody or grumpy and sometimes you will be that way.
Marriage fails when a member of the marriage puts themselves before the promises they have made, and expects to have all of their needs met and fails to give to the other person. Giving is every act of kindness: forgiveness, generosity, patience, salaam, a smile, a kind word and so on. Sometimes, there are marriages when one person just takes and the other person gives: the taker is never satisfied and the giver gets burned out and the relationship collapses, because that kind of relationship is toxic.
But when in marriage the two people are like two giant boulders, leaning on each other completely to make a bridge: that's unbreakable, and wonderful to be a part of.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salaam My Sister,
I think many 21 year olds conclude that they don't want to marry and that they will never want to marry. When I was a young lady, I was the same. No one expected it less than I when I got married - it was agreed in the family that I would either never marry, or else be the last to marry, and when marriage conversation came up, I would get instantly bored and fed up. I could not identify with these females who spent their whole formative years dreaming about this big day, this dress, that cake - I never ever had those thoughts. I never dreamt about the ideal man, and what life would be like. Literally - nothing. Zip.
As it turned out: I married first, because when I met my husband, I wanted to marry him. That was it. So, our wedding was very easy to organise as I had no expectations or dreams to live up to.
So, as much as you feel that you will never marry, or want to marry, or anything like that: what I say in response is that you cannot possibly know the future, and therefore cannot possibly predict whether you will want to get married or not in the future, or whether you will get married or not in the future. The question is void.
IF, you felt the urge or inclination to marry, and then prevented yourself from doing so THAT would be haram: "O you who believe, forbid not the good things which Allah has made lawful for you" (5:87)
But as it stands, I think that your thoughts and feelings are quite normal, and I would resist making grand assumptions about your whole future life based on what you are thinking and feeling at the tender young age of 21.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
"IF, you felt the urge or inclination to marry, and then prevented yourself from doing so THAT would be haram: "O you who believe, forbid not the good things which Allah has made lawful for you" (5:87)"
Leyla, I found this statement you made together with this Ayah really interesting and thought provoking, maashAllah.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Salaam Sister Z,
I hope and pray that I can achieve your softness of heart someday inshAllah
Thank you and God bless you for your constantly kind and generous words which always make me feel a blush to receive a praise from you, a person to whom I look up to so much :0)
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Leyla : )
Thank you for your sweet and kind words. I have a long way to go with softening of the heart, its easy with those I get on with, but difficult with those whom I may not get on with so much. And honestly speaking, I look up to you too maashaAllah. Keep on with your good work inshaAllah.
Peace n Love
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
I feel sister Leyla has missed the point of the questioner. The original questioner appears to not like marriage not because it's marriage but because it is pressured down her throat by her parents and family. Whatever I said I said from my own experiences, I speak not from an idealistic state of mind but from real experience. I apologize if I I hurt have anyones feelings.
Aww, Glacier - no, you have not hurt anyone, but I can see that you carry a lot of hurt inside of you, and I am sorry that you have had a such a bad experience, and that you were bullied into marriage. That is surely an awful thing to go through, and something that no one should have to experience. I am aware that it happens - but I hope and pray that the girls have the strength and conviction in their religious knowledge to stand up for themselves and denounce the practice of coercion and force in marriage.
I was pressured at a young age, but never gave in. Elhamdulilah, I am happily married and speak from experience.
Forced marriage is something all sisters must gain courage and conviction in standing up to.
The Quran states: "O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may take away part of the dower [money given by the husband to the wife for the marriage contract] ye have given them, except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and God brings about through it a great deal of good. ( 4:19)"
Our Prophet (pbuh) said: Abu Huraira (Allah be pleased with him) reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as having said: "A woman without a husband (or divorced or a widow) must not be married until she is consulted, and a virgin must not be married until her permission is sought. They asked the Prophet of Allah (may peace be upon him): How her (virgin's) consent can be solicited? He (the Holy Prophet) said: That she keeps silence. ( Sahih Muslim)
I felt that her question was: "is it haram to not want to get married ever?" and my answer was "that's not really a real question, because you don't know how you will feel in the future "
If there is any bad in my response it is from me, and I ask for your forgiveness, and if there is any good in it it is from Allah.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Thank you Leyla for clarifying your response.
I felt that her question was: "is it haram to not want to get married ever?" and my answer was "that's not really a real question, because you don't know how you will feel in the future "
Thats true that you don't know how you will feel however that does not make it a illegal question. Getting married is recommended not an Islamic obligation. I still think marriage is over emphasised, if one feels it is not need don't do it, I feel marriage and family has become a silent fitnah today, muslims are lost working for the family and feel tremendous joy in it and do all sorts of haraam things to bring up a family. Instead pasting quotes I will just paste this link :
http://www.theholybook.org/content/view/8840/2/
I do not recommend monstiscism by any stretch of the imagination, however if marriage takes you away from the path of Allah dispense it. From the original OP I hope our answers here are straight up to the point.
Kindly excuse my spelling in my response.
Salaam Glacier,
No one said it was an illegal question - the question is void, (empty) as in "fill the void". If you feel that marriage is a fitnah, then that is how you feel, but I think to actively advise people against it because of your bad experience is not the way forward.
Our Prophet (pbuh) married, and recommended others to marriage. For me, that is the only opinon I need. http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/82968 and I cannot be persuaded, nor will I attempt to persuade anyone else that marriage should be avoided, or that it is a bad thing, or that it is a fitnah.
Fitnah comes from people, not marriage. Marriage as a religious union cannot be held responsible for people's behaviour.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Assakamu alaikum warhmathallahi Wabarakathuhu, sis
I too, had similar thoughts sometime ago. Until, i got engaged at 16 and the engagement broke off at 17. It was the most painful things to go through. Nonetheless, your much older. My parents got arranged married, i dont know how they lived their life before but what i see now, is that they always fight, argue..my dad bossing her around..screaming at her faults..its sort of put you off and have negative feeling about marriage.
And like the other sisters and brothers advice, only Allah(swt) knows your future so thus you cannot be sure if you meet your ideal hubby. Sis, marriage is not a bad thing, depends on who you marry really. If he's nice and amazing and treats you like a queen, then mashallah, this half of your life will be fulfilled. It is said that a woman who fasts,gives zakat, prays, goes to hajj(if afforadable) and mostly importantly, obeys her husband, she shall enter paradise by whichever gate she chooses. So surely this is the easiest way to have a great hereafter.
Inshallah, you have a great life ahead of you, i truly hope you find a really good hubby. I think sometimes a girl really need someone to be there for her, to give a hug, support and love. When i'm sad, i really wish i have a husband to support me through my difficult times. Men and woman are created for each other, we cannot survive without the other. Marriage is a rewarding sunnah and prophet(PBUH) said whoever is able to marry but does not marry is not of me. You cannot rely on your parents forever, if you're old who will look after you? Do you not want your kids to look after you?
Hope this helps sis. Just because we witness others face marriage problems. It doesent mean you will face the same problems.
Allah(swt) knows best. 😀
This thread is so old, but to hear people put down a sister for honesty only to offer ideals seems harsh and flawed. Married itself is INDEED a fitnah, as fitnah is other people!!!! Even the most blessed marriage will have flaws and try a persons soul because it is a deep dependancy between two sinfilled persons. But tell me, how can it be "easieest to get to have a great hereafter" if it includes all the things a woman can do ALONE as well as challenging her to "obey" a slawed husband? Certainly, it would easier to pray, pay zakat, perform hajj, and all these things undistracted and without worrying of a curse for a man being upset that you chose things for yourself that day.
Salams Nadz,
unfortunately it is true that many marriages nowadays end up in divorce due to a lack of committment
and cultural problems. In your family, there may be cultural problems, also because your family
puts obstacles in your way or because sometimes even in Islam, parents reject a good person for
wrong reasons; there are cases in which you don't have to obey our parents, and can refuse to marry
the guy they chose for you or suggested for marriage. Nobody can force you to marry a guy you don't
want to marry; you can even go to a separate room to talk to the guy if your parents allow it.
First I thought you don't want to get married because of a lack of desire or no wish to share companionship.
But in your case, I think the negative experiences of others and the reactions of your parents somehow
tarnished your ideal image of a marriage. First of all, we can never pick out the cherries of the bowl.
There are hard times in life, and very often, you have to carry the burden of your partner or he has to
carry yours. In many of the divorce cases, Muslims get married on a whim without considering the
priorities and criteria chosen by Rassul Allah. Two people should know each other at least for more than
a year before they consider getting married. It is not a game. You have the right to spend time with your
potential partner for marriage, and this whole hypocracy with "the Shaitaan being the third", in my opinion
doesn't refer to a potential partner for marriage. So get to know him well and then make a decision. Of course
some insist on chaperoning,some oppose, well, then they should consider other halal options within Islam.
Talking simply for the sake of getting married is not wrong in Islam.
Nobody can force you to get married. But the prophet also declared that: getting married is half of the
deen. Now, there may be some people who don't have desires or simply don't feel attracted to the
opposite sex. But in your case, you believe you won't find your luck in marriage anyway.
That's wrong because marriage has many advantages:
1)Companionship with the man you love
2) Physical pleasure by exploring each other
3) Emotional support
4) A shoulder to cry on and to lean
Altogether, marriage has many advantages, but that doesn't mean that we marry anybody we hardly
know; it's hard to find the right guy and in this "modern" day and age, finding a man with values
like perseverance, faithfulness and honesty is indeed rare. But there are good brothers out there
and I'm sure that insha allah one day, you will see the positive sides of marriage.
I can only recommend you to choose a person for faith or character and to read more about the religion
of Islam. If you have the right criteria from the beginning, you will less likely end up in the arms of
a bad spouse.
And God knows best
.
Salaam Leyla,
It is unfortunate that you see my comments as against marriage. I am just presenting my opinion not persuading anyone what to do. The original questioner clearly said she has no interest in marriage then why we well intentioned muslims have to persuade her in doing so? Muhammad (pbuh) recommended many other things why are only socially accepted things recommended by people? why things are recommended only which people are doing themselves? ((I am not asking). You missed my point completely, I am trying to empasize that marriage can turn into a fitnah if it draws you away from Allah. For the sake of boad discipline I will end this potential debate here and not post in this thread any further. Thank you for the link you posted, it was very helpful.
For the original poster :
If you want to get married please do so for the right reason, do NOT get married to please anyone be it your parents. Marriage is recommended by Muhammad (pbuh) however you must consider the physcial realities that you live in. No one else can do this for you, you know your family, their expectations better than anyone else. If that comes in the way of following Islam then you should consider sacrificing their warmth and affection to do what is right by Islam. Take the time to read this following article, I feel your question is not really about marriage but more about lack of control over your life :
http://web.youngmuslims.ca/online_library/books/sacrifice_the_making_of_a_muslim/what_is_sacrifice.htm
Take care
I am not sure if it is haram or not. but after seeing your question a hadith popped in my mind and I thought I should share it, please draw your own conclusions.
Sahih Bukhari: Volume 7, Book 62, Number 1:
"
Narrated Anas bin Malik:
A group of three men came to the houses of the wives of the Prophet asking how the Prophet worshipped (Allah), and when they were informed about that, they considered their worship insufficient and said, "Where are we from the Prophet as his past and future sins have been forgiven." Then one of them said, "I will offer the prayer throughout the night forever." The other said, "I will fast throughout the year and will not break my fast." The third said, "I will keep away from the women and will not marry forever." Allah's Apostle came to them and said, "Are you the same people who said so-and-so? By Allah, I am more submissive to Allah and more afraid of Him than you; yet I fast and break my fast, I do sleep and I also marry women. So he who does not follow my tradition in religion, is not from me (not one of my followers)."
"
regards,
assalam alaikum sis '
i think u hav seen only the negative aspect of marraige coz in ur case i see many members of ur family are suffering from this thats not ur fault but its the situation
but i have read somewhere the safest place for a women is her husband s home or the grave
so i request you to take marraige in apositive way and then decide
This is a very interesting and very informative question and answer session. However, I feel that it misses a key element. Is it haraam to never get married when the biology of God leads us to intimate relationships? This gets to an important part of the issue as it is not normal to not have intimate relationships unless there is a medical problem with your body. Please have the courage to answer this question. Please forgive me if I have caused any problems with this. AHafidh.
Marriage is strongly recommended in Islam. And sexual intimacy is forbidden outside the bond of marriage. However, if someone has no sexual desire and no wish to be married, it is his/her choice. Islam does not force anyone to marry.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
To the original poster I think you have a somewhat distorted sense of reality due to your previous experiences (and your sisters HORRIBLE) experience with what YOUR PARENTS IGNORANT CULTURE considers marriage. Please look at what people here are saying about Islamic marriage and more importantly what Islam says about a good marriage and you'll quickly realize it is nothing like what you are basing your decisions on. Know about your deen before coming here and asking questions like you already know about it and think an "Islamic" site would be appropriate to ask on.
It is not haraam.as u may know that it is ur life and u dhould live it ur way. Just remember to always do ehat u want
I know it has been a while since this question was posted. I would like to know from the person who posted the original question, how is your life now? Are you still unmarried? I am going through the same thing where i have no desire to be married and i am being forced into doing it.
Rabia ..me too 🙂
Sister u are lovely. What r u gonna do if someone is in love with u and listens to U and says they love u and want u.
They might follow u around just be helpful to you all the time . U will give in in the end the same thing happened to me.
I wonder after over 10 years if shes married now....