Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is my marriage valid?

law fiqh marriage divorce

Editors note: Link to previous post from this author: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/will-shahaadah-automatically-divorce-me-from-my-husband/
Salaams Brothers and Sisters, here is my situation.

I am legally married to one man, but we have not lived togther in nearly a year. When I became interested in Islam I did ask him to consider it with me. He adamantly refused. That was more than six months ago.

In the time span of our separation I did meet a man that I fell in love with. He is muslim and even though I was not he still respected me. When he found out I was interested in Islam, he stop ant phyical contact. We never slept together but did kiss and hold hands.

So forward to a few weeks ago. I did check with an Imam and apperantly so did this man and our boss. After explaining in more detail about my legal marriage I was told that it was ok to do a nikkah. As it has been long enough that my iddah has passed some time ago. So I do know that is not where the validity stands.

Marriage was never discussed with in any detail. I just came in to work on day and was informed that this man and I were getting married. My boss who from my first day had taken me as a sister stood as my wali. Everything was already in place. I was asked three times if I wanted to marry him to which I said yes. After that I was told to repeat some arabic which I did. And we were married. I had no idea what I was saying or agreeing to. From what I was told afterward we are married for a duration of one year. I did receive a mahr. But again was not given a chance to discuss beforehand.

As far as the mutah marraige which from what I can tell is what I have. Sunnis do not practise mutah from what I have found. The man I married is sunni. My boss and the other
witness are shia. They are the ones who set the time limit. At the time, as I don't speak arabic, I did not know exactly what I was agreeing to.

Then add to that the fact that at this time, because of other circumstances, we are not able to live together as husband and wife. The man has explained to me the reason he decided to marry me at the time. All of which sounds rational enough, but has nothing to do with love. Even though I know he does love me.

So just how vilid is this marriage?

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26 Responses »

  1. What can be said is mutah marriage is forbidden in Islam. Please see the following link:

    http://islamqa.info/en/ref/20738

    Unfortunately I am afraid we are unable to give advice on validity of marriage here as this is a fiqh issue.. Please consult with a qualified scholar to confirm your marital status.

    Sara
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalaam alaikum Sister Bulbul1,

    I am glad that you posted your post separately, as I had been waiting to help you and learn more about your situation. Both sects give their evidence on this issue, but if you are Shia, then Sunni fiqh will not convince you and vice versa.

    Thank you for clarifying your previous the issue of your past marriage. However, it's also important that you understand the non-Islamic legal implications that have been pointed out before. I pray that you take all means to secure your divorce through legal channels asap.

    Since mutah is a fiqh/jurispurdence issue, there are some definite guidelines to understand. The first thing that you need to cope with is how you understand Islam, because nikkah or mutah is governed in its' details through fiqh, so in this way, you need to essentially choose a jurist decision that you will follow.

    As stated, Sunnis do not practice mutah, but some practice misyar. Here is a general overview via wiki.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nikah_Misyar

    So maybe you are in a misyar marriage? You need to find out exactly what kind of marriage you are in, mutah or misyar. You also need to decide whether you accept what you are involved in and if you wish to continue it with the knowledge that you will attain.

    To help you, I will guide you through a few items. First, is the formula in Arabic for mutah is read as such, as first the lady says:

    Zawajtuka nafsi fil muddatil ma'loomati 'alal mahril ma'loom.
    Translation: "I married myself to you for the 'known period' and the 'agreed upon dowry'."

    Then man replies: Qabiltu. Translation: "I accepted."

    There are some further complexities in your situation, though. You did not know beforehand what was happening exactly. However, for people who do not speak Arabic, the formula can also be said in their native tongue. Yet, you didn't know that there was a time limit, either. Your situation is also more complex, because you allowed your wali to make a decision for you as you accepted your desire to be married.

    From the Sunni fiqh, if it is a mutah you are involved in, it will be invalid. If it is misyar, then some Sunni sects allow it. Some Shias may say, your mutah is valid, as you agree to it now, since you have allowed your wali to make your decision. If you are Shia and accept their fiqh, you should then refer to one of their scholars as you should follow their decisions as Shias do.

    However, mutah is a last resort option for Shias. It should be said that Shias prefer nikkah. If nikkah is not possible, then abstinence from sex to quell the desires is recommended. If that fails to hamper the lusts, then fasting is prescribed and if that fails, only then is mutah allowed.

    So, what I suspect is that the Shia Muslims around you knew that you two might fall into sin and so, exercised their judgment to put you into what they accept is halal. The fact that your Sunni partner accepted this is either an indication that he accepts the Shia view or that they used the mutah formula to conduct a misyar marriage. All of this sounds confusing doesn't it! Whew!

    At the end of all of it, however, is what and whether you accept of jurisprudence: Shia or Sunni.

    You must ask yourself, what do you truly want? Is there more that you wish for? What is possible now and what is coming later? Why can this man not commit to you longer?

    I questioned a Shia scholar in the past on this topic, and he said that a woman's rights must always be honored and she must always be respected. That in mutah, her feelings cannot be toyed with and she must be honored as a wife in Islam, being protected, kept away from sin, and enjoined to the tenets of Islam. Are you experiencing that?

    I would like to make a note regarding the link posted above: Due to this person's shortcomings regarding his knowledge of Shia Islam, Islamic History and the charges he has made against Shias in the past, I do not find him to be of reliable reference.

  3. Assalam o alykum wr wb,

    Being concise The marriage is nullified that's it. because there are clear hadeeth for the prohibition of mutah,even if you married for an intention of continuing for long (this reason was for mutah when it was valid. when prophet saws came to knew that this was being misused khallas he passed an order to banned the mutah ),secondly you the contract is not valid because you havent understood the arabic phrases and its obligatory for them to make it translated and get you understand.

    If you need more elucidating response on this.Inshallah be iznillah we are here.

    May allah swt bless and protect you ameen.

  4. Thank you all for the help.

    Professor, from what I understand of misyar, I would be giving up most of my rights as a wife. Including my right to a mahr. I did receive mahr. Though had I been given a chioce I would not have asked for money as I do have my own. Of course the misyar would fit with the situation of not being able to live together at this time. now from what I have read on both the mutah and misyar, they are more of a convience, or better an excuse to to have sex within the boundries of islam. But without the full commitment of marriage.

    As for allowing a wali to make decidsions for me, I was not aware I even had one. As was said in my original post, and I did verify with an Imam, being that I was previously married I did not need one. My partner wish to do things properly, and given that he could not speak with my family, went to the one person that had taken me as a sister.

    One of the the things you mentioned that I am entitled to is protection. Of the reasons he gave for marring me now was just that. Given that any iddah I would have had was over at the time I took shahadah, according to him I became a very desirable single woman islamically. Mainly due to my complextion.

    The main question of course is what jurispudence would I follow. Since most of I know comes from the sunni tenets of islam and my partner himself is sunni that is what I would follow. So logically since he did agree to whatever it we have as far as this marriage goes it would come down to trusting his wisdom and decidsion on this matter.

    Your question of why he cannot commit longer is a whole other post. Which is not for me to discuss as that is his situation. I will say however that a year is more than what the situation allows so it does give me some hope that the matter is getting settled.

  5. Salaams,

    I just want to ask real quick- since you are still legally married to someone else, is there not the risk that your "legal husband" could sue you or otherwise take you to court for polygyny? I tend to think that regardless of how your future marriages or this current questionable marriage plays out, you still need to seek a legal divorce from your first husband just so there will be no risk of further complication from that end. I know Prof X touched on that, and I believe it was mentioned in the previous post as well, but it is an important aspect so as not to be neglected.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

    • I am in the mist of a divorce and was before this marriage took place. To everyone on my side it just appears that I am dating and nothing more. There is no written contract or any other evidense of a marriage. Something that my partner took care of for my legal protection at this time.

      • Asalaam alaikum,

        I am not comfortable with the idea that people who know you are Muslim see you as a "dating Muslim." Conducting yourself as a Muslimah bears the responsibility of conducting your affairs without giving a bad view of Islam. In this way, you are also giving a perception to people of what to expect from other Muslim women. Islam is a religion that also stresses societal obligation, so you must appreciate this fact, as well.

        You need to keep in mind this aspect and you must gain the knowledge of what you are doing.

        • Professor, with all due respect the ones who think I am just dating do not know I have become muslim. With the exception of a very close friend I have told no one at this time.

          And before you lecture me on that please understand I come from a very stauch christian family that does not even like that I work for muslims. They are part of that group that absolutely hats muslims(you know those that like to burn the quran and such ). I will be diowned when I reveal I became one. And until my legal situation is taken care of I cannot tell them.

          I am in no way ashamed of my decidsion. And made it knowing full well what the repercussions will be. I will tell them when the time is right.

  6. Asalaam alaikum,

    Your situation seems quite complicated, so please attain as much knowledge as you can. You must follow an Islamic figh/jurisprudence decision if you are going to be practicing either misyar for Sunni or mutah for Shia. You should also know that regardless of a 'paper trail', your former husband may still be able to file a civil suit against you if he were to be vindictive. This happens in extramarital affair cases, so you are not immune from this, either.

    This is why I stress that you need to determine what kind of situation you are in (mutah or misyar), which fiqh you will follow on this matter and what are the long-term effects of what is going on. It's understandable that you have not chosen a sect yet, but the problem is that you are using the 'idea' without the complete knowledge. This is problematic.

    Your perception of mutah is also missing a few key elements, but this is normal, because it involves quite a bit of research. So let's go over a few terms, first.

    Nikkah (permanent marriage) can be literally translated into "sexual intercourse." When two people enter a nikkah, sexual intercourse becomes obligatory. Both Shia and Sunni have agreed on this fact.

    Mutah (fixed-time marriage) can be translated as "pleasure," but sexual intercourse is not obligatory. In fact, stipulations can be made beforehand that will limit any physical contact.

    Shias consider a child born in mutah to be legitimate. Sunni schools of thought, since they believe mutah to be forbidden, may call the child illegitimate. It's important that you understand this fact, as well.

    There are whole chapters, if not books written on this subject and many guidelines and laws from the Shia, governing its' use. Sunnis however forbid it and thus, do not consider it halal. It seems that what is going on is that many ideas and practices are mixed up into this stew, and I advise you to clarify it.

    I think it's important that you secure your understanding and situation, first. Nikkah, mutah or misyar is not something to play with casually while ignoring the fiqh behind it.

    • you are correct in that there are many ideologies mixed up in this situation. After talking to everyone that was involved what I have found out helped to clarify some of it. And at the same time still confuses me as to the validity of my marriage. As it was explained to me. What I have is a nikkah with elements of the misyar and mutah mixed in.

      The misyar is more because of the situation with my legal marriage. So it is just understood that until the divorce is final certain rights connot be fulfilled.

      The elements of the mutah is also because of a situation that he has. Which as explained is not my right to speak about.

      As for choosing a sect, as you put it, I will follow the sunni. My partner is the one who helped me in my journey and therefore it is the sunni practices I am more familier with. The problem I have right now is trying to sort out a marriage while still having much to learn about the religion itself.

      • Asalaam alikum,

        I appreciate your circumstance with your family, I really do. How you open your conversion to your family is something that is based on prudence and if you feel you will be harmed, then you do not have to open yourself to it. Just be careful in explaining the proper rules you are following, if you are asked by others. However, this also goes to the point of why you must be clear in what you have right now.

        There cannot be such confusion in your relationship, as mixing the fiqh rules is not allowed. I know that this is not your fault, but you need to understand this much.

        Let's make it clear that you do NOT have a nikkah. If there is a time limit imposed, so then you have a misyar, as you reject the mutah fiqh. You will need to contact a Sunni scholar about whether the formula for misyar will have to be read again, as you need to understand what it is you are involved in. Simply ask everyone involved what they call this situation: misyar or mutah?

        You must follow the fiqh for misyar if that is what you both agree on and wish to abide by. Why? Because if you do not, you will be considered to be fornicating if you have sexual intercourse or committing other sins if you do not engage in sexual intercourse.

        I want to explain something clearly, if you reject mutah, then you can rely on elements of it for fiqh. If you accept misyar, then the same rationale applies. However this is based on whether you are Shia or Sunni, respectively.

        If you wish to subscribe to the Sunni fiqh, you must make sure that your marriage fits those guidelines. However, as was pointed out, you may need to re-do the marriage formula. It is important that this is done asap and you should refrain form physical contact till you are sure.

        The important thing you must know is that if you have doubts, then it is obligatory to seek the knowledge before proceeding further. You are accountable to Allah (swt), first and foremost. It is imperative that you keep this in mind.

        Sister, I wish to say that I am not here to condemn you or to hurt you. If you were Shia, I would advise you to that fiqh and vice versa for misyar in your circumstance. Why? Because I feel that no one can be convinced of one argument or the other unless they look into the issue in great depth. What I want for you is to be in a halal marriage, protected and cared for in all aspects. Many Muslim women often fall prey to what they do not know and this is even more worrying as a new convert/revert.

        Some new sisters to Islam will abandon the faith after their initial relationship with a Muslim man goes sour, if that occurs. Therefore, I don't want you to lose out on the fact that it is Allah (swt) you need to please first, then the other aspects of life. I don't want you feeling betrayed or hurt down the line and being angry about what you didn't know. The last thing I want is for you to be angry at yourself and losing your faith. For you are like a gentle flower, and an open kind hand will allow you to flourish while the grip of the world will crush you.

        I want to help you in the best way possible. This is why I urge you to please take the time to pause what you are doing until you understand the justification for it. Why? Because sexual intercourse in an Islamic marriage is a form of worship to Allah (swt). If you are engaging in intimacy in this fashion, then you should have the privilege in knowing that a marriage is a means to this success.

        Lastly, I suspect that this man is another marriage, correct? This may have further ramifications, based on fiqh rules.

        • correction:

          I want to explain something clearly, if you accept mutah as Shia, then you can rely on elements of it for fiqh.

          I know you have said you will rely on Sunni fiqh, so the above correction is just for clarification.

        • Thank you for your help. Dealing with two differant ideas(three if you consider one is an Ismali) was very confusing.

          Although I do love this man, because all this happened so fastand then left me very confused as too exactly what I had, I just did not fell comfortable consummating the marraige. Now } am grateful I did not.

          I will talk to my partner about redoing the marraige asap. This time with my knowledge of what I am agreeing to before hand.

          No he is not in another marriage. If he were I would not have spent any time getting to know him. And definitely would not marry him. While I understand men are allowed to have more than one wife in islam. I am far from wishing to share the man I love right now.

          • Asalaam alaikum Sister,

            Ismaili, too? Wow, your situation was real complex, but God-willing you have seen the light of knowledge. I am pleased to hear that you did not consummate the relationship because of your uncertainty. It's important that when we do something in Islam, we understand the reasons why as best as possible. Just explain this to the man you wish to be with and God-willing, he will acquiesce to this request.

            Please look into nikkah further, though. It may be that this experience is to teach you the importance of a permanent marriage, your mindset regarding marriage and your new responsibilities as a Muslimah. And of course, exercising patience.

            It's important that you realize that whatever happens with this man regardless of what he has taught you, that it has always been Allah (swt) that has been guiding you and keeping you safe. It is He that chose you to be one of His humble servants. Your place in this world in all the better, then.

            BTW, "khallas" is a word from Indian origin meaning to "cease and desist."

            If there is anything I can offer in further advice, please let me know.

  7. Thank you.

    I have very specific views about marriage. Most of which in todays society is concidered old fashioned. Which is why I have two failed marriages. But I see everything as a learning experience. Everything that happens in life is to shape you and help you grow.

    I do realize of course that this man and others I have met through him were just facillitators along my journey. Allah gave me who I needed at the right time in order to help guide me along the way.

    And the Ismali, didn't have anything to do with the terms of the marriage. He came in after it was set up. He was just there as a witness and helped me with pronunciation when needed.

  8. I do have one other question. Not actually related to the orginal. It has to do with obediance.

    I know that as long as it does not go against Allah and Quran I am to do as he asks. And he has asked me to stsrt wearing hijab. The problem with that is I know that once I put it on I am to wear it at all times when outside or around non mahem. Given the situation with my family that is not something I can do.
    His suggestion is to wear hijab only at work and when not around family and others that will tell them. To me that seems wrong. Where does my obedience lie here?

    • Asalaam alaikum,

      Let's put aside this Muslim man for a moment and let's ask a few questions:

      Do you still live with your parents?
      How often do you see them?
      What is your relationship like with them?

      The greater question however, is about Allah (swt) and you.

      Do you accept that hijab is the Decree of Allah (swt), as we know it?
      Do you wish to wear hijab and attain Allah's Pleasure (swt)?

      In your situation, you fear your family and so, you must find what it is prudent for you. You don't want to seem like a wrong person by taking your hijab off and then on, but you don't want to disobey Allah (swt).

      My suggestion is this: when you feel ready, wear it. This is covenant between you and Allah (swt), but don't hinder yourself. If you take this man as your husband (that needs to get sorted out), then yes, you must obey him. If he is to be your husband, then what he is asking is a very good thing.

      I think his request is a good compromise for now, but be careful, because the intention must be within you. You must do it for Allah (swt).

      Having said that, I will post a link to a video that I pray you find helpful. @1:23.

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jIjCyTvlshA&feature=relmfu

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k28tTng8iRQ&feature=relmfu

      Brother Mohd, you bring up good points about unity, but near the end, your conclusion actually falters because to convince Shias that mu'tah is forbidden, you would need to alter their fiqh. It's a very long discussion and it's important to note, that Shias do not believe that the Holy Prophet banned mu'tah. That's the crux of the discussion when it comes to mu'tah.

      • My parents passed away some years ago. I currently am living with my eldest sister. And because of the age differance she has taken one the role of mom. Our relationship is good in most areas. She wants what is best for more, as long as it is within her beliefs. While we have disagreements we never argue or fight. In the end she understands it is my life. As long as I go to church{christian of course) she doesn't interfer much.

        My feelings about hijab is simple. I do want to wear it. I leave the house every morning feeling only half dressed. But wearing it part time just doesn't feel right to me.

        As marriage goes I spoke with him today and he is willing to redo the nikkah properly. He is going to arrange it with him Imam for this weekend. So that part is sorted out.

        • Walaikum salaam,

          Alhamdulllah, you have the right feelings about hijab. I want to ask this question in the most kind way, so please know my intentions are not accusatory:

          From a practical sense, when will you tell your family?
          What sect of Christianity are they from? Pentecostal, evangelicals, or.....?
          How does your sister talk of Muslims and what does she know about your viewpoint?
          How much longer till your legal divorce is final?
          What do you envision your nikkah to entail?
          Where do you plan to live?

          From an Islamic perspective, once you are married, your husband does have the right to ask you to wear it and there are many hadiths from every sect that support his request. So try to answer the questions above and let's see where this leads us.

          This is a side note, but please take very good care of each other. Marriage is something so many people pray for and a happy one is truly a blessing from Allah (swt). When you are married, every good part of it is gratitude to Allah (swt). I pray that your wedding night is full of happiness and love. It is a blessed occasion when the purity of intentions and love comes forth.

          May Allah (swt) shower His blessings and bounties upon your impending marriage!

          • I was raised pentecostal. Though as we grew older and married each of us changed. Of my siblings only two remained such. One brother is baptist another is methodist adnd the current "scandal" is my brother that became an agnostic. Me with my first marriage became catholic and the second(current leal one) baptist.

            The sister I am living with is nicer one when it comes to mulims. While she does use terms such as "terrorists" and repeats what we were taught of how the men treat women(no respect women are lower than dirt ect). And the "honor killings" doesn't help her view at all. She does avoid the more derogatory terms such as rag heads and camel jocks(there are worse but no need to put them here).I have tried to talk to her and tell her she really has it all wrong. But she won't listen. She thinks I am being brainwashed by the people I work with.

            When I will tell my family all depends on when I can get a place to go arranged. It may not be until my legal situation is taken care of which should be in about 2 months Inshallah.

            I really don't know how to envision my nikkah. I know very little about weddings in Islam. But I think until we are able to do a legal marriage it will be. Similar to the last one. Only this time I will know what's happening.

            As for a place to live he is in the process of getting an apartment for us. He willl move in and I will join him when I can.

  9. My simple advice here is try not to confuse your self, just dissolve the present marriage and have a fresh nikah marriage with your muslim partner . The reason is for you to clear your mind from doubts ... For you to be a muslim, you have to beleive in the one true God, beleive in muhammad as Allah's last and final massanger sent to mankind.. And do righteous good deeds ordained by Allah and his massanger... You dont have to classify your self into any sect.. ALLAH said "AND VERILY, THIS YOUR RELIGION (of islamic monotheism) IS ONE RELIGION, AND I AM YOUR LORD, SO FEAR (keep your duty to) ME." "BUT THEY (men) HAVE BROKEN THEIR RELIGION AMONG THEM INTO SECTS, EACH GROUP REJOICING IN WHAT IS WITH IT (as its beleifs)." "SO LEAVE THEM IN THIER ERROR FOR A TIME." KORAN23:52-54.... It has also been narrated by abu hurairah in the hadith books (at-tirmidhi, ibn majah and abu dawud) that the prophet muhammad said :"the jews and christians (of the 4-5 - 6 centuries) were divided into seventy one or seventy two religious sects, and this nation (ie islam) would be divided into seventy three religious sects - all in hell, except one,and that one is the one on which i and my companions are today {ie following the koran and the prophet's sunnah (legal ways, orders, acts of worship, statements of the prophet muhammad)}"... what the prophet brought was "islam". Allah didnt send the prophet with any sect as shiah, salafi, ahmadi, sunni etc... The ismali you are talking about is a sub sect of shiah. Also the sufi, salafi, shafi'i, hambali, maliki etc are subsects under sunni... These sects has nothing to do with the doctrine of islam.. All the 'islamic sects' have thesame beleive about Allah (been the one true God who created everything that exist), about muhammad as the last and final massanger of Allah, koran as the book of God and a source of guidance to mankind. the sect have thesame beleive in All the doctrines of islam, pillars of islam, the six articles of faith, tauhid etc...
    Where the sect arouse is from the schoolers. They would read thesame koranic verse and they would interprete it differently base on how they understood it. (Which is human because we can read same chapter and we are going to have different understanding about what we read )..
    So the students of this schooler would for his school of taught and the student of the other schooler would follow his school of taught. And this is how the sect begin.... They are using thesame sources (koran and hadith) but because of there different understanding when interpreting the source and some tend to interprete the source using a different angle, some muslims would follows this schooler interpretation while the other muslim might follow the other schooler interpretation , and this is exactly how the sects begin ... Well, I dont really understand why are the shia sect still practising mutah marriage since the prophet has later forbidden it.. Yes it is true that it was allowed in the earlier days and even some of the companions of prophet muhammad have practised the mutah marriage,, but it was later forbidden. Then why are the shia still practising it?? Its just like consuming alchohol, at the initial stage it was allowed, before Allah revealed the verse that alchohol consumption is forbidden.... So sister you dont have to classify your self into any sect.. You are a muslim thats all.. All you need to do is follow the koran and leave your life the way the prophet leave his. Take him as your role model. And inshaallah you would be successful.

  10. Asalaam alaikum Sister,

    I hope you had a chance to view the video links and that those sisters were able to help you understand a bit about wearing hijab, how to embrace it and dealing with family reactions. To be honest, I think the request made earlier of wearing it except around your family, due to their hostility, is prudent. I think the Muslims around you are helping you the best way they can and trying to ease your transition.

    If it's possible that you would be thrown out of your home, face harsh ridicule and mental torture, then it is acceptable to keep them unaware of your actions and conversion for the time being. Islamic scholars have agreed on this, when a Muslim's life is in danger. I believe that this apples to your situation.

    Regarding your nikkah, my question wasn't too much focused on the ceremony per se, as some customs will come into play or not, but more so, the stipulations of your nikkah: what you need and want of married life, etc. These are important points to remember and keep in mind. For example, you have stated that you do not wish to share your husband with another wife. Scholars have said that you can stipulate a clause in your nikkah about this aspect. There are other things for your particular situation, but it's important not to let the stipulations become a hindrance to marriage.

    I always encourage every sister to think about what marriage means to her and to envision her life unfolding with her husband. Surely, compromises will be made, but it's important to have a similar and good understanding when forming a marriage union.

    Alhamdulillah, it seems that everything is going as best as can be expected. The most important thing is sabr/patience.

    • Yes the videos were helpful in some ways. My fear is not what society a a whole thinks of me. If someone wants to talk and tear you down they will find an excuse. No matter what you wear or how you look.

      I see your point as far as my nikkah. Which is something I have been thinking about. When it comes to him taking another wife I didn't think I would have to worry so much about that issue as he has said it was not something he agrees wih. And he can only love one woman at at time. But after reading on here where other women were told the same thing and now the man wants another wife yes I will make that stipulation. I'm not sure if it can be a stipulation in the contract or not, but don't ever raise your hand to me(he knows some of the details of past relationships regarding this issue). Then there is what every woman wants. Faithfulness respect someone support her when she having a bad day or hard time. To greive with her when a loved one passes. And more importantly someone that is willing to stay and work at it to make make the marriage successful. Not run when things get difficult.

      These are things that we have talked about.

      • Asalaam alaikum,

        Yes of course, abuse should never be tolerated. The idea that Muslim men can beat their wives actually has been taken out of context. It's an issue I can elaborated on in this discussion written in the following link that you may find useful using several references.

        http://www.musliminstitute.org/upfront/religion/making-reform-real-usama-hasan-asks-have-you-stopped-beating-your-wife

        There's also a story from the life of Prophet Job (as). I wrote it here a while back and will copy it just the same.

        Job (as) was saddened and reminded his wife that God had blessed them with wealth, children and health for 80 years and that this suffering had been upon them for a relatively short period of time. He declared that he was ashamed to call on God to remove the hardship and admonished his wife saying that if he ever regained his health he would beat her with 100 strokes. Job’s loving wife was devastated, she turned away and sought shelter elsewhere. Job (as) felt helpless, he turned to God, not to complain but to beg for mercy.

        “Verily! distress has seized me and You are the Most Merciful of all those who show mercy.” So We answered his call, and we removed the distress that was on him, and We restored his family to him (that he had lost), and the like thereof along with them as a mercy from Ourselves and a Reminder for all who worship Us.” (Quran 21:83-84)

        God restored Job’s health almost immediately. Job’s wife could not bear to be parted from her beloved husband for very long so she returned and was amazed when she saw his recovery. She cried out her thanks to God, and on hearing her words, Job (as) became worried. He had taken an oath to beat his wife but he had no desire to hurt her for he loved her dearly. God wanted to ease the heart of his devoted, patient servant so he advised him to “take in your hand a bundle of thin grass and strike therewith your wife, and break not your oath”. (Quran 38:44)

        Now think that Job (as) didn't want to break his vow, but at the same time didn't want to hurt his wife, so Allah (swt) sent him a mercy in His instruction. How hard do you think Job (as) did it with soft grass, since he was remorseful about wanting to do it? He lightly brushed her in his strikes. And I imagine that while he did this softly, he cried the whole time both for making such a vow and because Allah (swt) was merciful to him to know his heart and relieve his burden.

        Lastly, from an observational perspective: work together on understanding the intricacies of Islam and the reasons behind the beliefs. Comprehending the 'whys' are just as important as learning the 'hows'. This also has the bonus of creating a stronger love bond as a couple. Try to pray as often as possible together and attend lectures, as well. Make your marriage as comfortable as can be, very tender and as your refuge.

        As you learn to submit to Allah (swt), this will also you help you to submit to each other.

        • Long article but definitely worth reading. It is articls like this I need in order to back up the arguement with my family. Would you have more? Such as on where the concept of jihad and killing infidels are taken out of context. And also what is meant by the term infidel.

          As an update. We did redo the nikkah this afternoon. This time there is no doubt of its validity. I have also starting wearing hijab under the terms of my husbands compromise.Thank you everyone for your advice and help.

          And Brother Mohd. After doing some research I found that by the end of the 6th century, christianity was broken into 75 different sects. And today there are more than 150 different denominations and branches(sects and subsects. For example take the baptists. You have fundamental baptists, southern baptists,missionary baptists ect)from them. And that does not include the "cults" such as mormons and jehovah witness.

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