I have been married for 3.5 years but we’ve lived together for only 3 weeks. Please tell me what to do with my marriage and my life.
"He returned to Karachi and I have not seen him in three years."
Question:
Dear Brother and Sis,
I am an Indonesian woman and met my husband at Zawaj.com.. He is from Pakistan. When we met, he stayed in another country for working. We communicated by internet for about 5 years. During that time, I also communicated with his parents and he also communicated with my parents.
Then in 2006, he went back to Karachi and after 4 months, he came to Indonesia and we had our nikah done with blessings from our parents. After the nikah he stayed with me only for about 3 weeks (because of limited visa), and then he went back to Karachi.. Our plan was, for me to follow him after 3 months.
But until now, I have never been to Karachi. We live separately, he is working and staying in Karachi and I am staying in my country.. We always communicate by phone.. Everytime I ask my husband, when will I follow him to Karachi, he always has many reasons to say no. Now, I begin to worry about our family (I mean he and I really want to have children) and my future.. I am approaching 35 years of age and really want to have my own kids and complete family that live at the same place.
I am really afraid that a time will come when I call his number, and there is no answer from his number.. And I am really afraid about my age.. Tell me what I have to do, can you help me to talk with him please?
- Asri
Wael's Answer:
Dear Sister Asri, As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullah,
There is something very wrong in this situation, and I don't just mean the separation. There is something he is not telling you. That's clear.
What is it? I don't know, and I'm not going to speculate. Without further information, my speculation would be only wild guesses, and I see no benefit in that. But I think you know that something is very wrong. You say that you fear the day when he will stop answering your calls. So in spite of the fact that you talk to him regularly, you are aware that something is wrong, and you have no faith or confidence in him.
Sister, step back and look at the situation for a moment. You communicated on the internet for five years before you met. Then he came, married you, and went away. Now another 3.5 years have passed. You have given this man 8.5 years of your life! And what have you received in return? A few weeks of companionship, and nothing more. Do you consider that a reasonable trade? How much longer are you willing to wait as your chance for family, children and happiness passes you by?
I said I would not speculate on the reasons why your so-called "husband" has not sent for you, and I will not. But it's clear to me that you are wasting your time with him. For whatever reason, he does not want a life with you as husband and wife. I strongly suggest that you ask him for a divorce, and move on with your life.
If you really want me to talk to him and try to ascertain the truth, I will do so Insha'Allah. You can contact me through the contact form on this website. Send more information about the situation, his full name and yours, his phone number, and the best time to reach him, and I will try to contact him, Insha'Allah. But I cannot promise that he will tell me the truth. And I do not believe it will make a difference in the end.
I'm sorry to be harsh in my response; my experience has been that the people who write to this website often know the answers to their questions, but they need someone to spell it out in black and white, and confirm for them what they already know.
And Allah knows best.
If any readers have some additional advice for this questioner, I invite you to post your comments below.
(O Allah), Guide us to the straight path; The path of those whom you have favored; Not those with whom you are angry; Nor those who go astray.
Best regards,
- Wael Abdelgawad
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asalamu alaikum,
sis im thinking that he may have another wife i mean its a high possibilitty but dont take my word for it. i think you should forget about him cos at the end you are the one who is gonna end up hurt and abandoned. i hope things workout.
ma salama
salaam sister.
i hope maybe by now your situation is better and you have moved on!
i thought i would offer you this little story as it fits the situation so well!
my friend married a pakistani some years ago (he was working in her country). he had a good job and making good money. he was very well with her in the beginning. she even went to pakistan to marry him! after a while he began to change and became (for lack of a better word) "insane." he tried to poison her, threatened her on a regular basis, and even dealt in practices of the occult (witchcraft). from a lady friend in the country who is also from pakistan, my friend discovered that her hubby was already married with a pakistani woman and even had a son over there. once he went to pakistan to "check to see how his mother was doing" my friend quickly made all arrangements to keep him from being able to return. when he tried to come back, the immigration stopped him and sent him back to pakistan. so my friend was safe now from him.
the point i am trying to make is that your hubby seems to be surely hiding something. maybe another wife, children, etc....
you could tell him your feelings...let him know that you feel abandoned and are seriously considering divorce. according to his reaction, you will surely know his feelings toward you. so, if he is upset and wants to make arrangements for you to be with him as soon as possible, it basically means he does love you and wants to be with you after all. however, if you get a sarcastic and rude response, it means forget about him and get the divorce. inshallah you will find your real prince.
all the best!