Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My boyfriend does not want to convert to Islam.

muslimah righteous

The Prophet (sws) said: “This world is just temporary conveniences, and the best comfort in this word is a righteous woman.” (Muslim)

Assalamouailaikoum everyone,

I am S, a 20 year old girl who is in a very difficult position. I have a boyfriend P since two years and we have projects of getting engaged and married. I am from the muslim faith and a strong believer although to be quite honest, I do not follow what is said very closely. P does not have any religion. He believes in God but refuses to give himself any religion since he has been brought up this way and believes that he shouldnt be dictated by any religion as "religion are written by men".

We have been together for 2 years and we never thought that our relationship would last till this. I have been doing long distance for a year and a half now, and he is leaving for New York next week. We both have blessings of our parents although mine have hope and maintain that he should convert for me to be able to marry him. I know that I will never marry him if he doesnt convert to Islam. The problem is that we both love each other a lot and his departure to New York is worsening everything between us. I keep asking myself questions; whether I should still do a long distance with him for all this time and what if in the end he still decides not to convert?

However, I should point out that he has many values and characteristics that Islam preaches, such as not to say anything if one has nothing good to say and to always help each other and be kind. He is a good man inside and I dare to say that he is a much better man that some muslims professing to be good muslims. His problem is not with islam, but with having a religion itself. I dont want to give up so easily and just move one.

I know that he may not be the best for me but how can I ask Allah to make him so? Allah knows how much I love him and how much I want to marry him one day, but Allah knows that I would never do it if he doesnt convert to Islam. I keep making duas for him to change and try to understand our faith.

I need help. I want him to be a muslim with imaan and to be guided.

Please help me.

~ S.


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16 Responses »

  1. Wa'alaikumsalam wr wb

    Actually you have known that you can't marry non-muslim n your heart say that it's best for you if you marry and live with muslim..Be Strong!
    Marriage is not about you love him then you marry him but also marriage need same vision..
    how if you and him(non-muslim) marry then raise your children?..then who the closest ppl who help you and strengthen your iman when you need it?..and the last is,,,here, in this world we just live temporary..so we hope we do all things just because of ALLAH so we will do everything which can make us close to ALLAH including choose a pious spouse. Think and decide, may ALLAH guide us to the right path.

    "And do not marry polytheistic women until they believe. And a believing slave woman is better than a polytheist, even though she might please you. And do not marry polytheistic men [to your women] until they believe. And a believing slave is better than a polytheist, even though he might please you. Those invite [you] to the Fire, but Allah invites to Paradise and to forgiveness, by His permission. And He makes clear His verses to the people that perhaps they may remember." (QS>Al Baqarah 2:221)

    Follow your heart 🙂

    Allah knows best

    "Fighting has been enjoined upon you while it is hateful to you. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." (QS.Al Baqarah 2:216).

    Spirit ^_^

  2. Dear Sister, Walaykumsalaam,

    Reading your post makes me feel very sad. Not so sad because your boyfriend won't accepto Islam. But sad because you believe in Islam, yet you are not following it, you have been guided to the the truth, but you are choosing to ignore it - and then at the same time you are wondering why your 'boyfriend' will not accept Islam, and you are upset at why your 'duas are not being answered. I am also saddened because your parents seem to have failed in their duty towards you. They know you have been a relationship with a man for two years, and that he is not Muslim, yet you have their blessings.

    Sister, you are clearly very confused. It is forbidden to have a boyfriend/girlfriend relations in Islam, it is forbidden to have intimate conversations, to hold hands, to hug, to kiss, to have intercourse with anyone but your spouse. I do not want to assume that you have done all or any of these things, but since you call this man your 'boyfriend', these are things that usually come along with such a relationship. As your sister in Islam, I can only but remind you of your purpose in life. You are a Muslim woman and having pre-marital relationships is not in line with a Muslim's behaviour. Please click on the following link for an article on pre-marital relations. It may sound blunt, but sometimes we need to hear the truth without it being sugar coated: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/the-sin-of-fornication-and-adultery/

    ***

    Despite what I have just spoken about, I am glad that you are sure about one thing, and that is that you will only marry this man if he becomes Muslim. So my sisterly advice to you is this:

    - Straighten your own mind and heart first, do tawbah and try to start living as a Muslim woman, feel proud of your identity. Please see this article of repentance: http://www.zawaj.com/askbilqis/tawbah-in-islam/

    - Make a conscious decision to stop having haraam relations with this man

    - Tell him clearly that you have realised your errors and that you wish to live your life according to God's Way. Ask him if he will consider learning about Islam with a view to accepting it and marrying you.

    Make it clear to him that you will give him some time for this but in the meantime, you cannot speak or meet intimately or alone. In your mind, set a mental time frame. If he agrees to try this, then put him in touch with some good Muslim Imam or brothers in a Mosque/community centre and give him some simple but good material to read. Send an email to this: and ask them to send you the pdf version of leaflets about Islam. They contain very simple but useful information about Islam for non Muslims. It would be good if your own parents could invite him to Islam too.

    - If he does not agree to try, then it is time to move on Sis and maybe his moving far from you is a blessing. I know this will be very hard for you to accept and it will be painful, but with time you will heal. Insha'Allah the closer you come to your deen, you will understand this was the best choice for you.

    Ultimately, it is your choice to make. May Allah guide you to the right one, aameen.

    SisterZ
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  3. The heart of a lion, but the body of a cat(the characteristics of muslim, but the heart of a non-muslim), the advice you got above supported by me, and you must repent for the wrong you have done, sister you have been very patient with this man evidently through your LDRR.

    I think its time to issue a ultimatum, it will be tough but he must choose whether he respects all of you or just some of you, if he decides the latter, then sister let him go, for Allah will bring you a even better man insha'Allah.

    best of luck

    • What is LDRR?

      • Laboratory of Diagnostic Radiology Research? 🙂

        However, I think this line should read:

        I think its time to issue a ultimatum, it will be tough but he must choose whether he respects your Earthly body or your Heavenly soul?

        Because that is what this is about, not just regarding the haraam boyfriend, but how this Sister S values herself. What is more important, pleasing a man or pleasing Allah (swt)?

        If you fell into calamity Sister S, would this man be able to cure it or would Allah (swt)? If you became paralyzed, who could help you walk again, this man or Allah (swt)? And if you were to fall into the burning fires of Shaytan's grip, who would save you, this man or Allah (swt)?

        When you say, "his problem is not with islam, but with having a religion itself," what you are saying is that he won't submit to Allah (swt). That somehow he is privy to a wisdom greater than every Prophet, scholar and even the Supreme Creator, Allah (swt).

        When you say that he, "believes that he shouldnt be dictated by any religion as "religion are written by men," he is denying the prophet hood bestowed by Allah (swt) on His created beings and thereby, revelation itself, including the heavens, angels, the Day of Judgement and all of the wonders around us. Essentially, he is calling the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) a fraud, God forbid!

        Sister, do you know that an agnostic is? Because that is what this man is trying to be. An agnostic is a fence sitter, waiting for the Day when Allah (swt) reveals the Day of Resurrection and only then will he run and say, "save me!" He thinks of this life as mere play, wherein he can wait it out, but does not Allah (swt) mention these men as boasters?

        Know (all), that the life of this world is but play and a pastime, adornment and mutual boasting and multiplying, (in rivalry) among yourselves, riches and children. Here is a similitude: How rain and the growth which it brings forth, delight (the departure of) the tillers; soon it withers; you will see it grow yellow; then it becomes dry and crumbles away. But in the Hereafter is a Chastisement severe (for the devotees of wrong) and forgiveness from Allah and His Good Pleasure (for the devotees of Allah). And what is the life of this world, but goods and chattels of deception? (Qur’an 57:20)

        On Prophet hood:

        “And indeed it has been revealed to you (O Muhammad), as it was to those (Allâh’s Messengers) before you: ‘If you join others in worship with Allâh, (then) surely (all) your deeds will be in vain, and you will certainly be among the losers.’” (Qur’an 39:65)

        Believers are humble:

        “Successful indeed are the believers those who humble themselves in their prayers... and who (strictly) guard their prayers. These will be the heirs, who will inherit Paradise. They will dwell therein forever.” (Qur’ân 23:9-11)

        The believers, men and women, are protectors one of another: they enjoin what is just and forbid what is evil: they observe regular prayers practice regular charity and obey Allah and His Messenger. On them will Allah pour His mercy: for Allah is Exalted in power Wise. Allah has promised the believers, men and women, gardens under which rivers flow to dwell therein and beautiful mansions in gardens of everlasting bliss. But the greatest bliss is the Good Pleasure of Allah: that is the supreme success.” (Qur’an 9:71-72)

        On those who go astray:
        “But whosoever turns away from My Message, verily for him is a life narrowed down, and We shall raise him up blind on the Day of Judgment.” (Qur’an 20:124)

        Sister, ask yourself? Do you wish to sin against Allah (swt) for a man? No, you do not, as you already have said so. And truthfully, how could can he be sincere, when he knows it is forbidden for you to date him and engage in this relationship knowing how it dips you into sin? As I said in the beginning, does he care for your soul?

      • Professor x going towards the biological definition lol, it means long distance romantic relationship. i like the repharased line, i was trying to say just coudnt find the words, but you got it perfectly there, thats noted for future replies ;).

  4. assalam alikum sister,
    please dont do this mistake, because he is not true follower and definitely u will suffer. What is LOVE? dont change the meaning of love as u r doing. Nothing u will get by doing this and WHY are you compromising with your life for him? Islam provides equality for both men and women. DO you have CONTRACT of making him muslim. How can you trust on such a man. Remember such type of guys always try to use women. Please follow the correct path and always trust on allah. Allah knows best and please dont trust on any fake person.
    khuda hafiz

  5. The guy is moving to new york, and moving on with his life, and one day you will wake up and realize how wrong you were. Then you will decide to marry a Muslim man. When you do that, how can you face your husband everyday. So it's best for you to stop everything right now, what you call it LOVE. and ask Allah for forgiveness. and move on with your life and be happy.

  6. Sister S,
    please break all contacts with this man. You rather marry the worst Muslim on this earth than to marry the best of disbelievers. Muslim females are for Muslim males only. Please don't play around with your faith. Please tell him kindly 'P, I have just realised and been warned...nothing is greater than Allah (swt), not even love. Therefore, as a Muslim, I am breaking this unlawful gain relationship. It will be hard but not impossible- Please don't ever contact me coz if you did, I will not respond to you. And I will never contact you after this commnication between us'.

    Sister, please repent to Allah (swt) for this sin (premartial relationship) and never ever go back to boyfriend\girlfriend relationships. Please read the Islamic rulings on marriage.

    Take care of your faith coz no one else would.

    Parveen
    -x-

    • I agree with you parveen what you said was beautifully said to sister I hope she listens and the decision she takes is the right one rather the wrong path into desperation.

  7. Be Strong and have faith in ALLAH ALMIGHTY. HE will definitely give you the way to come out of this triumph.

  8. Assalamualaikum, I don't know if this is acceptable but can I ask what happened in your situation? It's three years later, but I'm in a very similar situation and I'm trying my hardest to accept that I have to move on. I've been asking Allah to help me and guide me.

  9. hey, I want to know what happened too! I'm in similar situation 🙁

  10. Assalamu alaikkum.Just now i read ur post.it's a very critical situation.Now what about ur life sister?I really wants to know what's going on in ur life as a sister.pls reply to me(sister).i want help to save my friend's life.she also in same situation.insha allah by ur reply her life can be safe.

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