My husband is watching sex videos!
Assalaamu Alaykum,
I am very glad to find a trusted one to answer my question that I couldn't ask to anyone I know, because I don't want my husband's image to go down. My husband is very religious, he memorized the holy Quraan before we got married. I am not from a religious family but I was myself and I needed someone to take me up with his Iman. After marriage we had huge problems that reflected on both of us.
The story started when I was pregnant at the fourth month, I realized that my husband stays a lot in his office at home and when he comes out his pants were wet. I didn't understand at first, but when I checked his computer I found sex videos. I was shocked because the last one on earth to do this was him. I talked, and we talked millions of times until I told his father. He talked to him but nothing happened.
My husband is a doctor, he started his master's in Germany a month ago and we are living here now. from three months since we last time talked about this, he promised that he wouldn't ever do it again and if he did I have the choice to do whatever I want. Three days ago I woke up early and he was in his office. I called him but he didn't answer so I thought he was sleeping or something, but something told me I had to check on him and I did. I looked from the door and for the first time in my life I saw his sitting on his desk half naked and playing with his penis facing the laptop. I was SHOCKED...I didn't want ever to see him in this case but it happened and I did!! I tried to call his mother to ask her what to do but she didn't answer. Then I told him that he didn't keep the promise and that he lied first, but when I told him that I saw him he told me this time he was downloading film and those came wrong. He said, "before I was an addict, and now I am not".
I don't know what to do?? I was married to a man who memorizes the Quraan. I don't have more words to say. Now he is watching sex videos and I can't take any more promises from him. It has been 2 years and a half.
HELP ME, I want the good moslem in him back.
~amiraamatoALAH
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Salamualaikum sister,
You are in a pitiful state. You married your husband for his deen and may Allah reward you for that. He deteriorated later, and this was because the deen is not established in your home.
He was Islamic, but he did not find the environment to keep himself steadfast on deen. Establishing deen in one's home is a husband's responsibility. But if he fails, the responsibility passes on to the wife. Now that he has failed, you need to do what you can, to establish deen in your home, wisely.
You should remind him about the evils of what he is doing. You can refer to the fataawaa on islamqa.com on this subject and use them to advise him. Additionally, you can make him read a book by Shaikh Muqbil bin Haadee on the subject 'Evils and Harms of Masturbation' (downloadable from the internet, mostly available on abdurrahman.org)
your husband needs serious counselling. You need to contact Ulama for the same. If you want contact details of Ulama in your place, please let me know where you live.
In order to make the environment of your home Islamic, play Qur'aan in your home and do family readings of ahadeeth from books such as Ar Riyad as Saliheen. You can play the duroos of Ulama in your home and make him listen to them. If you understand Urdu, the best possible website for the duroos is http://www.ashabulhadith.com
Make the supplication of morning and evening duas a habit and insha Allah, it will keep the wasaawis of Shaitan away.
Further, to keep his lust, make use of what Allah has given you, in order to please him and fulfil his desires, thus avoiding the haraam means.
When I discussed the issue with a wise friend of mine he said 'when there is an option of eating Halaal meat, why would one choose to eat pork?' Perfect analogy, isn't it?
I hope this helps you and May Allah bring your husband back on His deen.
Aameen
Wassalamualaikum
Muhammad Waseem Saifulla
If you can make use of all what ALLAH use to bless u as a female to please him and make sure he dont miss any of the five daily prayers. i think all will be well cos the 5 daily prayers have a lot of positive effect in ones life WASALAM
My only opinion to this is that i feel sorry for some of my brothers who are influenced by internet porn videos and also young men who marry a woman just for lust and abuse woman.
i use to be like him i watch when i was young but i stoped after i fell inlove i think as a wife maybe you should forfill he's biological needs but make sure a fantasy only stay a fantasy for him.
my before friend got in trouble after he and he's girlfriend tried having sex with 2 other people at desame time, becouse they have seen it in porn and want to try, i have warned them about it that if they love each other they will not do this kind of things and wait for both of them to get married. now they have broken up and he is suffering sevear depression.
please if you can, remind your husbund about love and why he married you, not becouse of lust but true love, this is also in most case happends in some people who gets in a forced marriage, i have also seen men who cheats on there wife or get addicted to pornography because there partner is not who they choose to be.
Asalaam alikum,
The problem is this: does he want to stop or is he lying and being arrogant about it? If it's the latter, then I would advise you to think of separating the beds from him for the time being until he is able to realize the ramifications of his sins and attitude. It is permissible that you make this the grounds of separation because he is denying himself of your pleasure and thus, spreading oppression to your bed. I can recommend more information on this scenario if you would like, but it mostly concerns what your goals for a harmonious marriage are and what you want and desire in him, in turn that will stop his porn addiction and make the two of you mutually happy in your marriage and love life.
Yet, if he is ashamed of what he is doing and is trying to stop, then limiting his internet usage must be the first step taken. Due to his profession, he cannot be without internet access, but there are things you can do to control his behavior. The first is to install some programs like OpenDNS (free) or NetNanny ($).
http://www.opendns.com/
http://www.netnanny.com/
http://download.cnet.com/Net-Nanny/3000-2162_4-10358681.html
This will be the first part of your attack. These programs can be set up by you to deter your husband. You can also set up filter controls by going through the internet router so that he cannot just get a new computer in an attempt to get around it. You'll have to become a bit of an internet savvy persona for the router bit, but that's a good thing actually, since it can become a good skill to have in the future when your children are of age.
The second part is accountability software. This is a pact between you and him. If somehow he is able to get around OpenDNS or Netnanny, you want him held accountable for his actions and that's where this next piece of software comes in:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/services/pricing/
I'm sorry that I sound like an adman, but these have been effective for many couples in which one partner is battling with these inner demons and addictions. This software is implemented by Christians, but it serves your purpose of having your husband be accountable for his online actions to you.
Also, I want you to understand something: his porn addiction cannot be treated by himself alone if he fails to recognize what he is doing is wrong and has no shame about it and/or is lying about it. Admitting he has a problem seems to be his hurdle right now. This is why you need to be proactive. If he want to stop, it could be that he doesn't know how. His addiction has control over him right now and you need to be his antidote. A lot of time of forgetting Allah (swt), stress and boredom may lead a man to porn, and so, you both need to identify what are his "triggers," i.e. what is setting him off to run to his computer when you are sleeping right next to him?
How is your love life? Are you being satisfied? How is foreplay? Do you feel unfulfilled, less womanly, ashamed? I don't need the answers for this, but this is something you need to think about.
Also, notice that I mention "you" first and not him. I want you to focus on what this porn obsession of his is doing to you in the aspects of sexuality, emotions and psychological manifestations. Think it over and write it down in a letter format to him. Write down what your dreams of an ideal husband should be, especially sexually. Describe the things you first thought about when you were younger when it came to marriage and how when you wanted to get married, you looked forward to the intimate moments that would come. Write down that when you accepted his proposal and you two were married, how you were eager and yet unsure of what intimacy would be, but that you trusted him and loved him because he was for you and you were for him.
Write about the affectionate moments in your life: the touching, the kissing, holding, caresses, tickling, and things like that. Write about the love banter and the sweet words of love. Let him know what that means to you. And then, write about your fantasies and the private things you wish he would do for you and the things you want to do for him. Perhaps to try new things that you are curious about for just him and you when you are alone together. You can make this letter however you wish. The point is to not hold back anything from him about this part of your life. He needs to understand what you need and desire. He need to understand what he is missing.
Then, what is so important is to write what his porn watching does to you. How it makes you feel: disgusted, rejected, hurt, tearful, angry, sad, etc., etc. Tell him how it destroyed your image of him, how is sours your love for him and how much it hurts you inside. Tell him that is makes you feel discarded, ugly and scared. That last part is so important: fear. Fear that you cannot please him, that he will not please you, that your love will end, that love making will never be incredible and of course, that you may have to leave him one day because of this.
Afterwards, calmly sit him down and read it to him as open plea to him so that you can convey the shock, desperation and rejection inside your heart that is due to his behaviors and actions. Cry to him, show him the plans you have to help you both, tell him that you want to help save him and your marriage. Tell him that you never want to let him go and that you want to help him pull himself away from the Hellfire. Tell him that you want to see him in Heaven, too.
As a warning, there may be things he asks you to do to imitate those women on those videos. First, never do anything that hurts you, causes you disgust or offends you deeply. Never do anything against the rules of Islam, of course. And if his desires are too extreme and hurt you, then you have to leave him. I hope this doesn't happen, but it could. It's important to note, that porn users usually escalate the type of porn they are watching and so if he is at a phase where he is watching violent and abusive porn, he should know that he cannot do this to you.
However, if there are things he wishes, but do not violate Islam or hurt you, yet you are wary because of fearing the unknown, ask him to go slowly and tenderly with you. Tell him that you do not want to be used as a cheap rag, but if you could learn what he may need and if it's nice for you, then you just need his help to try it. It's also important that you get pleasure from what you do with him. While this will include orgasm, there are other things that satisfy us such as a sense of being sexually confident with our partner, feeling loved and even feelings of power and submission. The latter two points have their limits and you must tread carefully with them, but as per Islam, you should be able to explore things like oral sex, various positions and role playing to give each other mutual comfort.
I hope this advice helps. I will post some more later on, but please let us know which situation you are caught in right now: his arrogance or shame?
Assalam Alaikum
Dear brother, your posts are always so full of wisdom and great advise.
I would like you to know that a lot of people now are so clever with the internet and they know how to unlock/unblock, even children know it.
OpenDns, which I have will not block google pictures of these disgusting acts...when I signed up for that it caused a great deal of arguing with my husband, who works a lot on his computer. He downloads a lot of updates and software for his work, and if I block P2P on opendns, it will not allow him to download, and there is a problem again....there are torrents and there are the xxx movies......shaytan is allover, and may Allah protect us from him...
Most of us women here, know well how to please our husbands (and for all the brothers trying to advise us on that, thank you, but we are not a problem) its the shaytan leading our husbands to commit zina, no matter how well we can please. InshaAllah soon our husbands will realize and turn to Allah for help and forgivness. I tried to help and control my husbands poblem but it only led to disagreements, and I got tired of "spying", cause he is to resourceful, and I never felt good about it. I let Allah handle it. If our man cannot stop for the sake of Allah, for sure they will not do it for us.
Alhamdouillah, it's been "quiet" lately and inshaAllah it will stay that way.
It breaks my heart every time I read these stories, and whats even worse are the stories of young girls and boys posted on this side who are watching porn and masturbating, Astaghfirullah.
Jazak Allah
Walaikum salaam,
Thank you for posting. As you read, another point I made was to access control of the router to prevent access to porn. Hardware can be set-up as used in schools, workplaces and the like, if software is being bypassed, but it can be more costly, though quite effective. I'm not sure why he is using P2P and TOR for business practice, though. P2P involves piracy most of the time and onion routing can be dangerous.
However, if your husband is going to these extremes to get his porn fix, then undoubtedly he is an addict. He is suffering fa orm a sexual addiction and it's causing a great deal of harm to him and you.
If you have the time, please search other posts here about porn addiction. May Allah (swt) help you both rid your marriage of this disease.
Dear Sister,
"Allah PAK sachi bat batany sy ni sharmata"
Your husband is suppused to get every pleasure from you as you are his wife. As far as I understood your condition; his desires are more stronge. On the basis on those desire he watch wronge vedios when you are unavailible to him due to pregnency.
This is for your reference and Moulana advise according to Quran and Hadith.
Question:
My husband has a high stress job and he says the only way he can relax is to engage in various sexual acts.. such as watching porn together or fantasising about threesomes.. or having sex on webcamera with someone watching.. i know all this is haram ,we have a very good relationhship otherwise.. but he pressureises me for these things and i do not want to refuse him as it creates tension in between us..i have tried talking and explaining patiently but this issue keeps coming up again and again.. i would like to add that the only thing that makes me refuse is the fear of it being prohibited in islam.. i am not forced in a nyway by him.. just a sort of pressure and if i refuse he is kind of cold towards me.. i am very worried and stressed about this.. please advise me what should i do.. and also tell me what is teh punishment for these acts.
Answer:
Praise be to Allaah.
Watching pornographic websites and sexual activity is haraam; it is a disease, not a remedy. The one who does that is afflicted and he should seek to remedy himself by repenting and giving it up, not by making up excuses for himself. All sinners make up excuses for themselves. The one who drinks alcohol or takes drugs or commits adultery – they all claim that they are under pressure and that they cannot escape it except by doing something haraam.
In fact these haraam things only add to their worries and stress. One of the punishments of sin is feelings of stress and alienation, and darkness on the face and in the heart. The further away a person is from his Lord and the more he is indulging in sins, the further away the means of attaining happiness and peace of mind are from him, as Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“But whosoever turns away from My Reminder (i.e. neither believes in this Quran nor acts on its orders, etc.) verily, for him is a life of hardship”
[Ta-Ha’ 20:124].
As for the people of faith and obedience, Allah, may He be exalted, says concerning them (interpretation of the meaning):
“Whoever works righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”
[an-Nahl 16:97].
What you have to do is advise your husband to keep away from these haraam things, and tell him about beneficial remedies to treat stress and anxiety, one of the greatest of which is reading the Holy Qur’aan, which is the means of bringing relief and peace to the heart. See the answer to question no. 21677 and 30901.
Perhaps you can also refer to the essay on “Dealing with worries and stress” on this website.
Secondly:
It is permissible for the husband to enjoy his wife however he wants, so long as he avoids intercourse at the time of menses and in the anus.
There are different way of enjoying intimacy that are not forbidden in Islam, but they are off-putting to people of good taste and sound natures; however they are permissible if the wife agrees to them.
If your husband calls you to do something haraam, you have to refuse and not be a party to sin and disobedience. If he calls you to do something permissible that you find off-putting and distasteful, then it is up to you whether you accept or refuse. If you decide to go along with it because you are afraid he will lose interest in you, you may do so, but it is better for you to fulfil his desires in proper ways that do not make either of you feel put off.
http://islamqa.info/en/ref/166123 Sister please visit this site. I get answers of almost every question from this site.
And Allah knows best.
Wslam
Asim
Walaikum salaam,
May Allah (swt) guide us! This part of the sentence....
webcamera with someone watching.....
is not only troubling, disgusting and sinful, but very dangerous! Many people do not know that inviting strangers to their webcams, can be a route for people to access their private information, including their address and any information they store on their computers! Not only that, but blackmail and extortion of these cam videos could be used. God forbid husbands and wives expose their bodies for others! And who would lead his wife towards other men and unveil them, perhaps even endangering their lives both in the online world and possibly reality!
Surely we see the poison that pornography brings to the minds of people and how it blackens their hearts. This is so very disturbing!
Asalaam Alaikkum,
Its been 1 year and 4 months since i and my husband got married.i am already running my 7 month pregnancy.As we live in an islamic country(dubai),most of the porn sites are blocked here.My husband is a frequent youtube user.He even watched videos in youtube from toilet.He is very fond of movies and did not stop him from watching movie videos.But last week i found that my husband use to watch sexy videos of actress and models from youtube and google.i was really shocked.i never expected that this would happen in my life.My younger sister(age 20) was staying with us at that time and i had to tell her abt it.She stopped me from letting my parents know abt it and asked me to give him one chance as he promised me he will never do something like that again.She also asked me not to be stubborn with him and that such incidents have taken place with her friends also who were married,nd they took it very silly.
But as days are passing i feel disgused and ugly about myself.i feel that i am not attractive towards him anymore.we talked abt this couple of times and he told me that there was not any mistake from my side and also that he was sexually satisfied with me and he finds no reason as to why did that happen.As i checked his mobile again i found that he had deleted youtube from his mobile and told me that he would never watch any videos in youtube again.
I am scared and worried all time thinking about as to believe him or not.And i cannot find any reason to forgive him too as i always kept him happy and satisfied sexually without doing any haraam deeds.Please help me deal with this.
m feeling so shameful..............by telling that i m addicted to porn movies and sites,i want to stop myself and i have tried many time to escape from this bad habit ,but m failed to do so ,plz help me ,how i can avoid this ,
when i offer my prayers ,most of the time i spend in thinking about my sins ,all the time i promise to myself not to repeat it again bt i cant do this
fatima, we have published many posts addressing the problem of pornography and how to quite. Please search our archives.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor