Parents or Husband; who should be my priority?
A Righteous Husband is what you want
Hi,
my parents have been very controlling since me and my siblings were young.
Am in my thirties and got married 6yrs ago. We are happily married and we have a son. However my husband is a foreigner and Muslim of course. We have been staying in my country near my parents all this while.
But this year, my husband got transferred to his country for work purposes and my parents are not happy at all about it. We moved to his country for few months now and Alhamdulillah everything is ok.
The only problem is my parents. They refuse to accept my life here with my husband and my mother keeps on harassing me everyday. She wants me to come back home. She makes me feel bad everyday that i left them. She puts up with stories everytime-she said she is tired, there is a lot of housework to do, there is nobody to help etc etc..
Sometimes she says somebody in the family is not well and i have to come back...she finds all sorts of excuses to ask me to come back. But i do not like to leave my home and my husband everytime and go back there. I told her we will come back for holiday in about 6months. But still she is not happy. She refuses to talk to us, she makes faces and refuses to accept all this!
I feel stressed with her whole attitude. She doesnt understand even when i try to talk to her! She is angry if i dont call her or send her messages everyday!
I have the obligation to call her everyday and its not easy cause if i dont for one day she says i dont care about them. But i care and respect them so much, but my mother is really making our life difficult!
When she is angry, i fell scared and stresssed at home and hence it affects my relationship with my husband and son..
Any suggestions please?
~ nousrat2012
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My mother was EXACTLY the same and my father as well--both of them are narcissists. Read up on it--I am not saying they are, but there may be a chance. I would say focus on your family and husband as that is your Islamic duty and deal with your parents gently. You may have to accept that they will be angry with you and simply not understand. I had to learn the hard way that you can't make everyone happy and that you can just do your best and not worry about their emotions and their problems--you can not own their ways of dealing with things. You are not a thing, but a person.
I would say go to your husband, with your child and centre your attention on them. Call your parents when you can, like normal people, but if they abuse you and yell at you, do not be surprised. How could making their life, any other relatives life better be your responsibility? That is a huge burden. I wish you all the best.--I would write more about my experiences, but I would rather keep it short--I hope it made sense to you inshaAllah.
I fully agree. The sister's duty is to her husband and her new family. She should be kind to her parents and try to help them out as much as possible, but she has a new life now and her place is with her husband.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Asalamoalaikim Sister Nousrat,
I find it interesting to read posts of sisters who are writing in for advice because their mothers are too controlling and want their daughters all to themselves after marriage when it’s usually a man’s mother who behaves in such a way. Needless to say, they all are mothers at the end of the day so I can somewhat understand their need for control and the anxiety they feel when they see that their children have flown out of their “nests”. When parents get old, they often behave child like fearing abandonment, getting cranky or hurt easily, etc. Therefore it is always important for us to treat them with respect, honour, and love.
That being said, it is also important for you as a wife and as a mother to be giving your own family the attention they need and deserve. Your mother’s behaviour suggests to me that she fears abandonment. A lot of parents feel this way and unfortunately, they often accept the reality of their children moving on from their life the hard way.
I suggest you have a serious talk with your mother. Let her know how you feel, how her expectations can be unrealistic at times and how this is starting to take a toll on your marriage and children’s’ lives. Islamically, you are to take care of your family first but also ensure that your parents are being loved and respected. You let her know that she will always be a part of the bigger picture but now you are married and your priorities have shifted. You are no longer a part of your parent’s home in the way you used to be.
If she does not understand what you are trying to say, then unfortunately she may have to learn the hard way. You mustn’t let anyone affect your marriage, and this includes ones own parents. If her irrational demands are taking a toll on your married life, then it is your duty to prioritize what is your initial Islamic duty—and that is to take care of your husband and children.
-Helping Sister
The thing that stood out for me was the fact that she said her parents are controlling from the get-go. I think in most cases it makes sense to sit down and talk to your parents, but I do not think we should be so naive to think that that is going to work in all cases. Unfortunately, there is a reality of parents being abusive--I know that is difficult to digest, but it happens.
If it didn't happen, why do we tell people to raise their children in loving homes? I mean, why do we need to give that advice if people just automatically give love to their children? And honestly speaking, I do not think its necessary to be calling your parents everyday after you get married--that sounds like alarm bells to me--again, because I went through the exact same thing. I was EXPECTED to call, to pay for it and amongst many other things. As I said, her parents may not necessarily be this way, but it's a possibility--something doesn't sound right when a mother wants you to keep coming back and gets angry with you--for goodness sake, she is MARRIED now.
And correct me if I'm wrong, is it a daughter's Islamic duty to take care of her parents? Does this girl have any brothers? I do not understand then how a girl with no brother's would be able to balance marriage and taking care of parents--maybe someone could clarify?
I agree! have a conversation with your mother.. explain your concerns.. do not let it affect your married life.. as under the light of Islam you have certain duties towards your parents as well as your husband too.. so don't abandon neither.. I guess you'll just have to juggle the right balance.. It may be that your parents are still not happy after all of the efforts you make.. as long as you are doing your duty as a good wife & daughter & mother.. I do not think you will be held accountable for it.. Allah *swt* knows best..
Sister Saba,
You are correct. Sometimes informing people how we feel still doesn’t make a difference. In this case, it probably won’t. That being said, however, it is important for the sister to show her mother that she has made an attempt to satisfy her needs and that it’s taking a toll over her own family life. This will help her in the long run as when she tries to withdraw herself from her mother’s life, she will know why this is happening. Controlling people don’t let go easily but instead becoming more controlling when they don’t know the reason why they’re loosing control. In addition, she is her mother after all and no matter how “annoying” certain habits of hers must be, we must always treat our parents with respect; Allah swt has commanded us to.
It is an Islamic duty for everyone to respect, and honour their parents. It is also islamically every child’s duty to take care of their parents in their old age. This doesn’t mean however that the parents have to live with their married daughters, etc. But ensuring that the parents are fed, taken care of emotionally, physically, financially (even for the sisters who work and would like to pitch in), etc are all important duties one must attend to. So if one’s parents are old and the daughters drop by to give them food, make sure enough food is at home, and so do the sons then they will definitely be rewarded for their good deeds, inshAllah.
-Helping Sister
Honestly, your post is confusing and I would feel confused if I posted this question. It is a sit on the fence answer. It sounds like you are saying that she is emotionally, physically, financially responsible to her parents BEFORE her husband? Correct me if i'm wrong. I do not agree if that is what you are saying.
Besides, how do we know that they need that support? And how can a girl provide for her parents??? I do not understand and I am confused by your post.
And how can she drop food by if she lives in a different country? It also sounds like her parents want her to take care of some relatives? That means they have relatives. Is this girl the ONLY one around to help the family and extended family--maybe the relatives should come up with a solution without involving this girl who is starting a new life with her husband.
I fully agree with Mustafa below--FOCUS on your husband. Though you should not be rude to your parents, FOCUS on your husband, your children. Do not take to heart what your parents and relatives say--do not worry if they do not understand, do not worry if they are not happy --just be respectful, kind, and just to them, and do your part that is ALL you can do, you are not a super-human--just be happy in your marriage and focus on them...bottom line for a definitive final answer. InshaAllah, your life will be happy.
Saba,
You are incorrect to be assuming that I meant a sister is emotionally, physically, and financially responsible towards her parents before her husband. That is not at all what I meant. My first post clearly suggests the contrary. What I mean is that when ones’ parents hit old age, it is important for all children (regardless of it is a daughter or son) to pitch in and help their parents out. If that means to run a few errands for them, to cook for them here and there, take them to the doctors, etc, everyone should play their role.
If one is living miles away from their parents then obviously the duties mentioned above cannot be performed. However, a simple phone call to check and see if things are okay won’t do any harm. We cannot just throw our parents away once we are married. This goes for all children, including daughters. Like you have suggested, if all the children are living miles away from their parents then someone trustworthy such as a close relative can intervene and drop by sometimes to check and see if things are going smoothly. There are always ways that one can strike a balance towards their own family and towards their parents.
Lastly, it is paramount for every Muslimah to give her own family first priority (i.e., her husband and children). Her duties towards her parents become secondary, but you’d hope that the person you marry is understanding enough to make it easier for you to also tend to your parents in their old age because they do deserve that attention and care then.
-Helping Sister
yes, but the sister IS living in another country and mentions it in the post and so we should answer her question accordingly. not only that, but she mentions more than once that they are angry if she does not contact them daily--sounds overboard to me.
no one is saying throw parents away--no one. but we also have to understand what our duties are, otherwise life is confusing. she is not living in the same country as her parents and should be with her husband and contacting her parents,--sure...i'm not sure about daily, but obviously within reason. her parents should also be understanding too.
In my opinion i would also vouch for talking to your mother. Sister Nazo is right, this does not necessarily need be a situation where you prioritise one over the other but perhaps figure out a balance, or middle ground? Communication or the lack of it can be the cause of many damaged relationships i know its easier said than done but try your best to communicate your worries and your point of view to your mother. perhaps she will appreciate that you are confiding in her and still feel a special part of your life. Explain to her why you cant move back, and suggest to her whether she would consider moving with you? If she accepts, great, problem solved alhamdolillah. If not then she will inshaAllah understand by being put in your shoes over why you cant move back. Also its worth rethinking whether you have any other options or opportunities to stay in your home town that might work out better for you, but if not then i suggest work on finding a way to showing your appreciation and love for your mother and show her that shes still special. Maybe the reason why she is behaving this way is that she feels neglected? So i would suggest that perhaps the key to your issue is communication- its a powerful tool if you know how to use it well. wAllahu a'lam 🙂
Saba,
The part of my post where it addresses who should take care of their parents in their old age and how, was written for ‘concerned’ that raised this question. I was not deviating away from the poster’s initial question.
With regards to the mother expecting her daughter to call her everyday, I have made it very clear in my initial post that she does not need to give into her mother’s irrational demands and that her role as a wife and mother takes precedence over any other role she must attend to.
I think I have addressed this sister’s concerns well and I suggest you re-read my post for clarification if you are having confusion understanding it.
-Helping Sister
salam alaikum,
Sister I agree that your responsibility is your husband and child and should focus on them.
This raises a question general. In old age, who has the responsibility for the parents. Is it son or daughter? If its son? why are sisters always against a brother who lives with his parents in their old age and don't want to marry him?
Just some food for thought and may Allah guide us all.
To the original poster, if your husband wants to live with his parents(i.e. your inlaws) to serve them as a muslim wife you should support him.
regards,
The girls that are against that they should not marry a son who has to take care of their parents is because typically the responsibility falls on the girl when it is the boy. lol
So the boy will forego his responsibility, and tell his wife, you do that or you do this--when in fact it is HIS responsibility. If his mother needs something--he should do it--or show some appreciation--but I think we can appreciate the fact that in some cultures, so much falls onto the daughter-in-law and it becomes an expectation. I think that ideology scares some sisters.
Not all Sisters say that by the way. I think the majority of the times, you will see girls going to live with the husband's family as opposed to the husband living with the in-laws. I do not know too many son-in-laws that end up cooking, cleaning, serving food, and taking care of his in-laws as I do girls. But that could be me.
Would it really work if a girl said to her husband "I have to go and live with my parents--i'm leaving." ?? I can't imagine how that would end up being a successful marriage. When parents and husband are living in separate countries, how is she expected to go and stay with her parents again and again? That is what I was trying to address--not why do SOME girls not want to live in a joint-family system.
Salaam,
I will make your decision very easy for you.BEFORE marriage your parents are the ones you should listen to above everyone else,BUT after marriage your husband takes priority.He is to be obeyed,loved and respected above everyone else,more than your father ,mother,brother,sister everyone.
There is no other answer,so if you truely love your husband and want to make your marriage work then you have to follow your husband NOT YOUR PARENTS.
nope! she still has a duty towards her parents too!
She cant just cut off all ties with her mother and ignore the fact that shes upset, that wouldnt be right. I understand that predominantly she needs to stick to being there for her husband but i think she knows that. This sister needs advice on how to create a middle ground, not how to ignore that her mother is unhappy with her situation and to ignore it. Elders demand respect and gentle words and above all honour, over harahness, i wouldnt like to know that when im at that age that my children behave with no patience towards me.
If you read the post--she is asking who to give priority to and has explained she has controlling parents who want her to keep visiting from another country to help them--it sounds like she has other siblings--No one is saying to cut ties. The answer is priority is your husband and your own child.--That does not mean that you cut ties with parents, no one said, that--and also, everyone has encouraged her to continue to talk with parents, but that she is to bear no burden from their end.
She can do her part and do her part best--but, YES, she does have to ignore if they are still unhappy with her if she is doing her BEST.
"But this year, my husband got transferred to his country for work purposes and my parents are not happy at all about it. We moved to his country for few months now and Alhamdulillah everything is ok."--how is she supposed to do work for them and move back and forth???
"The only problem is my parents. They refuse to accept my life here with my husband and my mother keeps on harassing me everyday. She wants me to come back home. She makes me feel bad everyday that i left them. She puts up with stories everytime-she said she is tired, there is a lot of housework to do, there is nobody to help etc etc.."--She is saying her parents REFUSE to accept her life. She cannot bear the burden of HOW THEY FEEL. Her responsibility is her husband and they shouldn't be harassing her EVERYDAY! They want her to come back home--how can she fly continuously back and forth??
"Sometimes she says somebody in the family is not well and i have to come back...she finds all sorts of excuses to ask me to come back. But i do not like to leave my home and my husband everytime and go back there. I told her we will come back for holiday in about 6months. But still she is not happy. She refuses to talk to us, she makes faces and refuses to accept all this!"
When the sister is coming back -- her mother is still not happy.
"I feel stressed with her whole attitude. She doesnt understand even when i try to talk to her! She is angry if i dont call her or send her messages everyday!"
The sister feels stressed--she CANNOT own their feelings--they have to accept her new life and she seems to be accommodating them ENOUGH. and the mother is angry if she does not send messages everyday.
I have the obligation to call her everyday and its not easy cause if i dont for one day she says i dont care about them. But i care and respect them so much, but my mother is really making our life difficult!
"When she is angry, i fell scared and stresssed at home and hence it affects my relationship with my husband and son.."
The sister feels upset and scared for her marital life--again, she needs direction, not a middle answer. Be kind to her parents, FINE. But this sounds overboard. She needs to tend to her husband and her own child.
Dear Sister,
As i have studied all and i have understood all the problem, well i just must say if u want to make your life good respect your husband, respect your husband family (parents, brothers, sisters and there family), in return you would feel that your husband would make you prioritize in looking towards you parents and you would be in a very good situation of handling both the family but 1st and last your priority is your husband and his family, Your parents are just feeling that they must be alone and that's why they need you but sometimes there thinking makes daughters life miserable....
Yes you have to look both but if you just prioritize your parents 1st and then your husband and family then i m sure you would face alot load of misery for sure.
Dont make you like miserable and how much your attention towards your husband and family would lead you easy towards your parents, but if u lack at any stage the strong stone head between would be again your husband... So maintain your priority and and have live a happy life.
Assalamu Alaikum,
Shifa, wa alaykum as-salam. Please register and submit your question as a separate post, and we will answer you in turn, Insha'Allah.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
This is so funny to me. The sexism is so real and alive in our Muslim community. If this was a man right now saying me and my wife moved for a new job and my parents are not happy my mom needs help in the house she is depressed, you know what everyone would be saying right now? They would all be saying if you are a real man go back home money will come with blessings first comes parents to a human being. You only get one set of parents how dare you leave them and move away go back. But because it is a woman all off a sudden her parents are awful and mean an she should ignore them and leave them alone in old age. The Quran, every single time it mentions to care for parents it says the word AL-INSAN which means the mankind or the human being. It never once uses the gender identifying word for man which is Al-RAJUL. After you care for your husband and children, your parents are your priority. You were surviving before the new job why can't you go back? Your husband comes first BUT age is being selfish as are you. This does not mean your husband can chase the material world and go looking far away for money and making your parents childless and without help. You have to let him find work but IF he has work at home just because it doesn't pay much doesn't mean you leave your parents. If he was a good Muslim he would take the less paying job and earn God's reward over money as would you. What will happen one day when your husband divorces you or marries 3 other wives? Your parents will be dead and you will regret choosing a man who chases money over the people who raised you and gave you birth. Funny how a man is honourable to his parents but women treat their parents like garbage. How about you follow the real Quran and not this sexist materialistic masculinized culture.