Should I go ahead with this marriage even though I have doubts?
Salaam o alaykum,
I have some doubts on my mind regarding my engagement to someone I haven’t seen yet in real life.
2 months ago I got engaged to a relative of my dad in a foreign (my homeland) country. At first I didn’t want to as I didn’t know the guy and his family but later I got blackmailed by my family (especially my mum), and within a week they gave my hand to this guy whom I never knew and never talk to at least.
Now 2 months have passed and we talk almost every day and I've tried my best to get to know him to get used to him and his habits. However, instead I feel bad for talking to him, I feel I’m talking and wasting my time with a stranger, I feel I’m doing all this for others happiness not for my own happiness. I see differences between us and the only thing we have in common is I guess the religiousness. I’m a religious girl Alhamdulillah and he is not just that but he is a Hafez of the holy Quran and hajji too.
But looking through his pictures and that he was in touch with a lot of internet girls on facebook (complimenting their pictures and giving them his email to be in touch with him) pissed me off and made me think that he is not a serious guy. First because I seen what he was up to on the internet. Second because no one blindly gets engaged to some girl in Europe without knowing and seeing her. It wasn’t important for him to see me (not even my pic) and it wasn’t important for him to at least get know something about me (what if I had a boyfriend).
These reasons create doubts on my mind and something tells me that he’s only marrying me to get out of that country and come here. I questioned him so many times how could he select a girl without knowing her, he says he relies on Allah (swt) and that he did istekhara but how can you even pray istekhara if u don’t know her?
Other than that, I feel that he has a weak character too. Because I noticed he was being so cheap on the internet plus he lets others to make decisions for him and when I told him about what he was up to on the internet he cried like a child and was begging me not to tell my family. That made me feel like as if I’m going to get a wife not a husband. In general I don’t have any feelings towards him I just force myself to talk to him let alone spending my life under the same roof with him (he is a decent looking guy though).
99% of my family is happy because of his family background that he belongs to a good family, but I on the other hand feel that I’m going to live and spend time with him not with his family. Plus it is not that easy in my culture to break an engagement as it gives bad name to the family as whole. I said to him I don’t care what people will think about me. I fight for my right with the Quran and hadeeth and with a good Imam to back me up.
My family planned to take me to that country (where he lives) to get us married or at least do a party in order to proof that we are married so that he can get a visa and come here. I feel that I’m doing him a favour as I’m not happy with it and to be honest I feel cheap for doing this as I feel that he’s not marrying me for who I am but marrying me for what I am (e.g. my British passport). (P.s. I’m 25 and my parents keep saying that no one would marry you when you pass this age, but deep down I feel very young and I don’t even look it)
I’m lost I don’t know what to do. I pray to Allah swt to help me. I get up before fajr and pray tahjoot and ask Allah swt to help me and to lead me to the right direction. I always get help and look for answers to my questions from this site (as there are posts almost about everything) but this time I feel I need a specific answer to my own problem.
Thank you very much for taking your time reading this post. May Allah swt reward you all for the incredible job.
Salaams
Aisha1
13 Responses »
Leave a Response
Entries(RSS)
Asalam alaikum,
Everything you wrote says you are not ready to marry him. Knowing this, I'm not sure how anyone is supposed to advise differently, unless I'm just running out of ideas.
Salam,
I am bit surprised and i agree with Professor X. You definitely dont want to marry him. You are only going for this marriage because you have been forced by your family and you don’t want to hurt your family's expectations. You have no feelings for that guy, you have doubts about his character and you suppose he is only going to marry you for the British passport.
Well.... you will get different kind of responses for your question. Each opinion will represent an individual thinking. But remember one thing, this is your life and no one can think better for you than your own self. Although it is good to take opinion from others, but in the end you will be clueless because you will have many opinions (until and unless there is some wise opinion which really touches your heart).
I would recommend you to discuss it with someone whom you trust and you are close to (preferably someone of bigger age and married), ask Allah for guidance and be patient. You can also do istikhara, but then you would have to follow the signs you get from it. So you should have a strong mental approach then.
In the mean while, try to consider some positive aspects of him. Think if they really touch your heart. Guys are usually non serious before marriage (but if he has really done something sinful then you should not let this point go). May be he turns out to be good and caring husband after marriage. In my humble opinion two months is a very short duration to form a solid opinion about someone. My solid opinion about someone crashed after 6 months. So take some more time to understand him. Patience is the key and Allah will reward you for it.
Life is yours, choice is yours, consider all opinions/options and ask Allah for guidance.
I wish you best of luck and remember me in your prayers.
Sister Aysha,
Please don't marry him or anyone if you are in doubt of his character. Don't get tricked by his Islamic words, beard and attir! Allah (swt) knows best but he seems sneaky. And also, don't marry him or anyone coz it makes your family happy and not YOU! Third, don't worry about your age-- I am in my mid-late20s not married but I am happy and just like you I look younger and feel young too. Marry for the right reasons and iA you will have a happy marriage lifeeeeeeee 🙂
Be firm with your decisions in life, esply marriage and express it firmly to your family whether you are or you are not interested in marriage to him. It's your life and you have every right to say no.
Best wishes,
Parveen
-x-
Salaam sister.
Everything from your post says you don't want to marry him. My dear sister listen to your instincts - they are almost always right. If you feel he is after a British passport, then he most probably is. I think the main point I am trying to make is trust yourself and your feelings.
Dont fall into the trap of marrying someone wrong because of your age. Do not compromise your principles no matter what your age. And don't worry you are not old sister, and even if you were I would still not advise you to marry this man.
It is true that some guys are non-serious before marriage, but they most certainly should not be contacting girls like that if they are of good deen and character.If he is doing that before marriage, how will he be afterwards.
Another point. It doesnt matter if hes from a good family - if you dont want to marry him you definietly shouldn't. So what if it shames the family - people forget. But ruining your life by marrying someone unsuitable will be something you won't forget. So fight for your rights dear sister. You have the right to choose your spouse and have your own say in it. No one should be pressurising you. It is going to require a lot of strength on your part to put up with the emotional blackmail and the pressure but be strong. Allah swt is with you. Make dua for a loving pious spouse who is best for you.
Sara
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
don't marry him you clearly don't want to so don't! so say no they can not force, manipulate or pressure you into the marriage! stand up for your self!
There is a unanimous concensus of all these muslims not to marry him, so it would be a big mistake not to take their advice.
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh.
RUNNNNNN WITH YOUR LIFE! Please dont think you are doing a favour to your parents by marrying him. Later when you'll have problems you cant blame your parents because you still have the choice to reject him. Plus in Islam the consent of the bride and groom should be from their free will.
May Allah, Most High, protect you and guide you to what's best!
I agree with you 100%
Don't marry this guy you are being emotionally blackmailed and this guy is using you and to have facebook account chatting to other girls just says it all. Do what you want it is your life you have a voice stand up to it listen to your heart as well has your head. Don't marry him run and find someone else who is worthy of you and will have respect for you.
Please say no and call this thing off.yes he is hafiz and haji but you have doubts and have seen what he is upto on the net. Show your parents his comments. Please be tuned to your intuitions when it comes to marriage.I had an alliance too, looked over fb and saw his comments over a girl's photos and I showed it to my parents and it was end of that alliance for me, I was relieved,I had an uncomfy and trapped like feeling through out that rista talk. Am in mid 20s too and my parents have found a better guy for me,masha Allah and Alhamdulillah.so don't worry, you will get a good guy insha Allah,dont go into marriage with the thoughts of sacrifice,charity,helping him get the visa and such other things. It's much better to break this engagement than get divorced later.
I agree with everyone above, dont force yourself into this situation stop it now while you can you dont have to tell anyone about his FB stuff just say you feel you have nothing in common and cant picture life with someone who might have just married you for a passport,
Am lost too he acts good and holy in everyones presence only to ask for favors lyk hugs and also does not belive wat I say and wen I complain he apologises and says he loves me and am so doubtful by each day. Am prayin to ALLAHS responce to my predicament so pls folow ur intuition and ur heart u neva too old to find sumone beta
Assalam o Aalikum,
I have one doubt.
I am married person and due to some problems myself and my wife have taken divorcee. Now I am not interested to go marry again,but some of relatives asking me to marry of my father's own younger brother's daughter.
According to Muslim law it is right or wrong?.Will you please clarify.
C.SHAMEEM KHAN