IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Question:

Salaam, I am a 23 years old, white muslim revert and have been in a relationship with an asian muslim..  We have only been together 8 months and I fell pregnant after being together for 2 weeks..  He has stood by me and we decided to keep the baby because neither of us agreed with abortions.

We are still together but in secret as his dad and sisters found out about me and they sent him to Zimbabwe for 2 weeks. Now he has emailed me and told me he loves me, misses me and wants us to be together but would have to be in secret for now until we have been together a while longer because we have only been together 8 months which isn't very long when you think about it.

His family told him that if he told his mum it would kill her and they won't allow it..  My partner doesn't like to hurt anyone and I know he loves me and our baby and this is a great deal of pressure for him as he does want to marry me..  But he has asked me if I can be with him in secret for a while longer until the time is right to tell his mum about me and our baby.

Can anyone give me any advice on this or similar situations please?? Please don't criticise me I wasnt muslim when I fell pregnant and I wasn't aware my boyfriend was as he never told me and I knew nothing about religion.

Many thanks,

- Ariadnah

Sister Noorah's Answer:

Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim

Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah

Alhamdulillah, that you have been guided to Islam, and I pray that Allah keeps you always on the Straight Path and that you raise your child to be a strong believer.

You are in a difficult situation. You are in a forbidden relationship and this will affect your progress as a Muslimah. YOU will have to be the strong one, as it sounds as though your 'boyfriend' is very weak in his Islamic knowledge and commitment. Here is what you have to do according to Islam:

You must immediately be separate from this man, as you are not married and you are engaging in the serious crime of zinah, which is fornication. You must tell this man that he can't have his cake and eat it too - he must either marry you according to Islam, or he will not be a part of your life. The baby must have a strong religious upbringing and a man who will commit fornication is not a good role model. That he wishes to keep this relationship secret shows that he is weak and unable to make the right decision. If he is not willing to do the hard work then he has no right to you or the baby.

In Islam, there are several conditions for a marriage to be valid: you two must agree, your guardian must stand for you and agree, there must be a mahr (bride gift the man gives to you), it must be witnessed by at least two adult male Muslims, and the marriage must be announced. If these conditions are fulfilled then the marriage is valid. As you are a revert, your father cannot be your guardian, so the Imaam of your local mosque or a leading member of the Muslim community may stand as your guardian.

Now, it is required to announce the marriage, but this can be done locally. I am absolutely against not telling the mother, but if that is a 'dealbreaker' then you can announce the marriage in your local masjid but not in his home country. I dislike this because it involves deceit on his part, keeping the marriage secret from his mother, but there is no perfect solution for this situation so perhaps it is the best you can do for the short term.

If he agrees to marriage in these conditions, then I recommend that first you two spend some time apart and that that you both seriously repent for the forbidden relationship you have had. If you are not able to fast due to the pregnancy or nursing, you should still spend a lot of time learning your Islam, thinking about how to be a good Muslimah, and committing to being a model parent for your baby. He should fast as much as he can, repent from his past sins, and commit to living according to the Qur'an and Sunnah. After an appropriate time, perhaps a month or more, then you two can marry and live in honor together. Only if you BOTH commit to being strong Muslims will this work. Once again, it sounds like you will have to be the leader in this.

Not telling the mother is a short-term situation. I had a friend long ago, an American who married a Pakistani brother, who was in a similar situation. After their marriage, he waited to tell his mother, and after he finally got up the courage to do so, she did not speak to him for three months. Over time, however, she became reconciled to the marriage and grew to love her daughter-in-law. They built a successful marriage because he had the courage to do something that was hard in the short term. He did not shy away from his duty.

This is not an easy situation and it will probably get worse before it gets better. The mother may have wanted her son to marry someone back in his country, probably a cousin or someone, and she will deal with the "shame" (unIslamic as it is) of having to disappoint the expectations of that other family. But if you truly desire to make a life with this man, you will have to be strong, be patient, bite your tongue when you want to say something harsh, and pray, pray, pray to Allah to help you. If you do your part, Allah will bless you. Hold on to the most important thing - that Allah guided you to Islam. This is the handhold that will not fail and you will be the most blessed on the Day of Judgment. If you would like to contact me for advice on this topic or how to continue to learn about Islam, please feel free to do so. And Allah knows best.

Fi Aman Allah,

Noorah