22 Married, Pregnant, Unhappy.
Assalamualikum,
I thank everyone who reads my question for their time and patience. I am sorry but I need to give the back story of my life. Maybe you could rationalise what I am feeling? I do not mind if this does not get published but maybe a moderator could help with some advice?
I am a Bangladeshi born British citizen who arrived to the UK at the tender age of 3. Due to living in a remote part of the UK where there were not many Bengali Muslims, I had grown up with responsibility of helping my parents with everything in their life, from translating on their behalf, filling in forms, going to appointments doctors, solicitors, social services etc.. It was major factor in my life as I did not study well during my early years and had to receive additional help in my school studies. I did not complain cause at the time I understood my family and I were alone.
My family has had issues through out my childhood. My father was/still is a gambler, sends money to his family without telling my mother, listens to his mother. My mother gives money to her siblings and then gets back stabbed by relatives. I've spent a lot of my childhood with my parents instability.
Fast forward a few years and its on going but I manage Alhamdullilah to get a college and university degree. After uni and a stable job I agree to a marriage back home to my cousin, my mothers brother son. I did not fight it as due to the time I thought I did not have the right to deny my mother who made a deathbed promise to her brother that I would be his sons wife. I was 12 when this was said. I married at 19. Him 25. Every time I went to Bangladesh in my teenage years I was overwhelmed with the comments of me getting married to J. The natural thing was to ignore it, it was awkward. Yet again on my wedding day just a few days before my 19 birthday I still felt cold inside, no feeling, no excitement. It was a surreal experience. I was at my wedding for an hour. My wedding was a miserable affair, felt like a circus, the only emotion I showed that day as ppl pointed out was when my mother had looked at me with pained eyes. Our wedding night was horrible, made me ashamed sad angry, he wanted me to tell my parents that he would not be able to pay back any of the money they lent him, could I convince them to forgo it? I said no he would have to give it back. He did not speak of it again. We pretended after as if we had not spoken of it. After this wedding we left a week later...
Fast Forward again 3 years and I have managed to bring J to the UK. I have been to see him in Bangladesh twice for two weeks at a time. The time there was ok. i never fell pregnant. I was well cared for and looked after but he would always be asking me of my money and for money. I tried to accommodate but our cultures kept clashing. I've grown up in the UK and showed him too much that I was of a different view of how a wife should be. I wasn't going to be a doormat, a doll to show off to people, to rub in poor peoples faces that he suddenly was more wealthy. I found shows like that disgusting and offensive. ironically it was my money he was flaunting.
While in the UK I gave him money to do the esol english test and to go on a course, nearly £800. He spent it on a motorbike. I didn't realise he asked my mother for money of £300 which was how much the course was already. I made a promise to myself to pay my mother back which I have done, as monetary gifts to my mother. I was so angry. I told him to pay me back the money he said he would when he starts working in the UK but still did not. His quote is what yours is mine and mine is yours!
His arrival to the UK was a surprise he didn't tell us, literally a week into receiving his visa I get a call from Manchester airport about a stranded passenger! So I go in the middle of the night on a night bus paying over £25o to go to Manchester with return tickets to collect him and spent money for him to stay in an airport hotel. When I see him I am not in a happy mood, he tries to talk to me but we arrive back home in silence. On the journey back home it suddenly dawned on me that my husband was here..
After the journey back my mother made us live in a flat together as a couple. For some reason I resented it every time she spoke to me about him, I became cold inside. That is when the arguments would occur. He worked different times from me, so I wouldn't be at home when he had his breaks or we wouldn't see each other until late at night. Conversation was stilted. I had nothing to talk about. He would bring up the fact that I should leave my job. My job was stable and better paying. I refused. I cooked cleaned and did all the housework. He questioned me about my whereabouts, my dress sense. my friends etc Every time he spoke to me a burning feeling of dislike welled in me. Every time. I did not like being near him, him touching me or speaking to me. This feeling of loathing and disgust would appear every time he slept with me. He complained to my mother of me not talking, she berated me. I tried to be better but this cold hate kept building up inside me. 5 months we were like this till one day it exploded he accused me of sleeping around and that I should go fuck whoever it was that was satisfying me just because I would not let him touch me, accused me of drinking alcohol because our lodger who is a white female left it in the fridge even though I told her it wasn't allowed. Next day I went home told him I didn't want to stay with him and went back to my parents.
He followed me back home, parents tried to mediate but it hasn't worked. This feeling of hate dislike, disgust is always prevalent. I start to cry for no reason I cannot explain why I don't want him. I become unresponsive when the matter is brought up. When I went back home I found out I was pregnant I am due in January 2014, We live in separate rooms and have not spoken since we moved back to my parents. He has been living rent free and has not contributed anything financial to my parents, I have 5 young siblings, he has become an unwanted burden. My parents want to rent the house we are in and move, but the question is where will he go? I've found a flat to move into but I don't want to live with him again. I feel I will run away, leave my family but I feel guilty for thinking so as I am my parents pillar of support, guidance. I have friends willing to take me in. I don't want to add to my parents burdens as they are trying to sell a house in Bangladesh and his connections are helping them. I think if I say anything about him moving out he would sabotage the sale somehow. This baby is so near to being born I am scared. I know I will love this child with all my heart but I feel nothing for its father after 3 years of marriage. He knows im pregnant but has not spent anything for the child's arrival. I am lost. What should I do?
22, married, pregnant and unhappy.
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Assalamu'alaikum sister,
May Allah make your life easier and put love between you and your husband.
When I read your post from an Islamic perspective, I see that both of you have erred. Just like they say, you can't clap with one hand. He needs to correct himself, so should you.
Asking for wife's money is not appropriate because it is her money. If she helps him voluntarily, he is not to be blamed. You said he is in the UK. Does he not work? It is his responsibility to work and take care of you as well as your baby. I suppose you already have your baby, may Allah bless him/her.
When the husband does not want something in the house, Islam instructs that the wife removes it. If he dislikes that someone comed into their house, the wife should not let that person in. The lady who kept alcohol in your house must have been stopped, a Muslim's house should never contain alcohol.
You said he commented on your dressing sense. If he wanted you to cover up or wear hijab, he wasright. And being your husband, it is his duty and responsibility to ensure his wife dresses properly.
I understand what you might have felt when you had to wake up in the night and go all the way to Manchester to receive him. But if you thought positive, he might have intended to give a surprise which he was unsuccessful in delivering.
My words are not to make you feel guilty or pass a judgement saying you are wrong or he is wrong. You have to find a work around to make your marriage work. Sister, it would take efforts from both of you in making this happen. I suggest you live with him and do all you can to make things work.
Both of you must keep your egos aside and be ready for little compromises. This would in sha Allah strengthen your relationship. Living apart would increase the distance between you. So, you should live together as a couple and give yourselves a chance.
You were both of different cultures, the culture shock was obvious. The response was not right, which should have been patience and understanding. You should have given your husband a chance, instead of loathing him and not allowing him near you. He was wrong for accusing you of adultery and he has no excuse for it, and I understand that accusations are rarely forgotten and they damage relationships. But things must move forward.
I suggest you to talk to him, clarify misunderstandings, try and reduce the distance between you and live with each other while fulfilling your duties towards each other.
I am sorry if I was wrong in my perceptions above.
I pray that Allah fills your hearts with love for eachother.
Abu Abdul Bari
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaamualaikam
Adjusting to any major change can be hard, and marriage is no exception. People often imagine that once they're married their lives will magically click together with their spouse's and they'll live in harmony from the start - but the reality is that even two people who are very similar can struggle to adjust. You and your husband have come into this marriage from very different backgrounds, with different experiences and expectations, so it's understandable that the two of you could encounter difficulties in adjusting to life together.
For example, your childhood and experiences of struggling to establish your family's financial security may well have given you a keen awareness of the value of money and being practical about spending, while this may be the first time your husband has been able to have a disposable income, so he may not fully appreciate the importance of balancing the books.
It might help for you both to go for marital counselling, with a therapist who is Muslim or one who is aware of Islamic values. You mentioned in your post that your baby's due date was in January, so inshaAllah you both have a new, very important reason to work on your marriage. When you feel frustrated or upset, try to remember that this man is the father of your child, that he is part of your child just as you are, and without him your child wouldn't have been conceived - say Alhamdulillah that this man came into your life because it has led to a precious new life.
May Allah watch over your family, and help you build a loving and happy life together.
Midnightmoon
IslamicAnswers.com editor
AssalamAlikum sister,
One thing I want to tell you that you are a great person, strong, responsible being. I am actually very proud of you of who you are. The other thing it came to my mind and I felt deeply sad by reading your post is another tragedy of "forced" or "unwilling marriage" or "marry out of responsibility" in the Asian/muslim community.
"Marriage" is a serious matter, it is not like choosing a college that you can drop out and choose another one if it doesn't fit. Marriage is not a way to please your parents or helping out your cousin or village back home wither. I have no against of "arranged marriage" but the way of "arranged marriage" is to let both side to see and understand each other before one can commit in the marriage. There are so many ways to alleviate poverty back home but using marriage IS NOT one of them. You have no obligation to carry all the burden on your shoulder. Sometimes, I want to shout out loud to the Asian community, please do not blackmail the young generation to marry back home IF they are not willing. It causes lots of damage, family issues, from unhappiness to serious abuses or depression. I think the young generation should learn that by respecting parents is not equal to do anything that they tell you to do especially it is unislamic and cause a huge impact in your life.
For you case sister, I would honestly ask you if there is still room in your heart that you are willing to accept this person as your husband? Is he willing or able to change? Can you overcome the obstacles in your heart that make you feel disgust about him? If the answer is negative, let it be for a while and ask yourself again may be a year later. Do not rush into any decision.
Also, is it a short term separation with periodic marriage counseling in between an option? I know not many people will agree with me here, if you choose to divorce, plan for what you are going to face in your life : financially, family support, etc. In Islam, we try every single method to save marriage before the couples agree to divorce. There is no time tunnel here, if there is, I think you know what you should have not done. Now all you need to is to keep hope, look for the brightness of the future, and I think maybe this is a chance for you to take charge of your life with Allah permission. You are very young, you still have a long way in front of you, inshallah. Do not let this marriage as a stumble rock in your life. It cannot block your relationship between Allah, it cannot block your relationship with your family and it cannot block your career. Please do not allow yourself get into a depressive mood. Allah is here, He is all Merciful.
In regards to your baby, talk to your mom if she is willing to help while you are trying to work on your marriage? Search for child care in your area. Or for the worse, if you choose to divorce, can she help out to take care of your baby while you work and can you afford to pay all the child care if your mom is not helping. There are so many things need to consider. Talk to a counselor or take out a paper and pen and plan ahead.
If what you said is true about your husband, he seems to have not of 'defect" in his character : irresponsible for using money, showing off, and no shame of asking for woman's money. This kind of quality does not appeal to anyone, honestly. However, I would still cut him some slack as he may be in a cultural shock as he came straight from Bangladesh. He may not know how the society in Britain works. (Just wonder if he has a good reputation in Bangladesh?) It is his business to move away and he should not obstruct your mother to sell the house. If he has no shame to live by not paying rent, your mom should ask him to leave. Do not involve in this, you don't want all the drama comes from both side of the family. Your mom should also tell her sister to talk to her son about how he behaves in Britain. I know It is easier said than done as he is your mom's nephew. Let them deal with it as you have a baby ahead of you. Also, tell him he cannot be a parasite like this as everyone need to contribute in a family.
You are a strong girl as you could go through all the hardship in your life by getting a degree. You can overcome this for sure but prepare for the difficulties. Be strong. And remember, the baby is innocent and a bless from Allah. Do take care of him/her well, you will get all the rewards and help from Allah who is all merciful.
Sister, have you give birth yet? May peace be upon you. Bismiallah Rahmanir Raheem, light is ahead of you.
dont do daycare i propose talk to ur mom about helping u raise the baby and divorce him and dont marry when ur child is a kid its a bad idea. marry when the kid is older then remarry again and keep working 🙂
Asalaam ou alaikoum,
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. It must be hell to be forced to live with someone who repulses you. And so incredibly unfair too. I think there has to be at least some physical attraction between a woman and her husband, so that she can have a physical relation with him without feeling discusted. I think you have been wronged in your life, being expected to marry a guy you don't even approve of. I see that you have been used to sacrificing your life for your family, to the extent of marrying this cousin of yours who seems to be someone who you can't love and respect. You come across as a strong, intelligent and sensitive woman and in an ideal world you would have a strong, intelligent man with integrity. Not the useless guy that you're discribing in your story. It doesn't even matter so much how a man looks, if he has a good personality and a strong caracter, you would be attracted to him after a certain time. Because beauty is really on the inside. But if he's empty inside, and doesn't have much to offer, then you would feel that too, certainly after living with him. Him asking you to ask your parents to forget about the money they lent him? On your wedding day??? What kind of impression would that leave on a young girl? And what kind of man does that? Asking you for money, being provided for by you? Showing off towards poor peolpe in his country? I would feel
absolutely discusted having to be physical with that. Not showing any responsibility, not being a man and just being a burden. I don' agree at all with the person that said you both have erred. I think your husband doesn't diserve someone like you. He diserves someone like him. But unfortunately we see that a lot in the world, a good woman stuck with a man that is unworthy, or a good man stuck with a horrible woman. Allah has given everybody a trial to go through. And if you really feel like you can't live with him, there is still the possibility of divorce. If you really can't stand living with him, Allah has given us a way out. It is a last resort, but it is nevertheless an option. May Allah help you come to the right decision.