Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Can I leave my home to marry a good man without my parent’s blessings?

secret nikah

I have a question , I am 27 years old lady living at home and i work in a highly respected job . Whilst I was studying I met a guy who is 35 (now) and who has asked for my proposal from 2 years ago . He is from an Arab country and I am from an Asian background. We both like each other and we both have clear intentions and we both are practising Muslims. We have also mentioned this to both of our parents. His parents adore me completely and I have met them without my parents awareness but his parents are alhumduALLAH nice.

However with my parents (they hardly practice Islam) it's a different story . My parents invited him to our house but he wasn't welcomed.  There was limited communication and he felt awkward. The only conversation that was made was about black magic which scared him. Upon this day he has been trying to call my father via mobile and text messages about the proposal and another meet up, but he keeps delaying it without giving him a yes or no answer.

In the meantime my mother and father are separated and my mother has done several walk outs and runaways with other men, which she denies but there is clear evidence. And my father, he is not being the decision maker of anything without her, regardless of what she is doing. The thing is my family is very dysfunctional there is no love, no trust and very limited communication.

To cut the long story short, this all has been going on for three years and the guy has been very patient till now. Because my parents are still not giving any decision and answers , he has booked tickets to his home country in a few weeks time for both of us to go abroad and get married with his family permission and awareness. My family are unaware of it and I have not mentioned anything to anyone.

I am just wondering whether this is okay and acceptable? As we both have same intention and I both of are getting old. Besides I dont know how I can leave home just like that, is it islamic? I have done istakhara several of time but nothing is appearing?

~ Ash786

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4 Responses »

  1. It might be worth assessing if your parents can be classed as Muslim, many scholars have stated that if you knowingly abandon any aspect of the 5 pillars you are outside the fold of Islam, this may assist with your decision, because if they are no longer Muslim the criteria of acquiring their blessings may differ.

    Has the guy approached the local imam to approach your dad?Imams in some communities still hold a respected role and maybe able to influence, this is an option. It might be worth getting an imam to perform ruqiya on your dad especially if he doesn't make any decisions without your mum despite them being separated.

    And what about the impact on other siblings? It would be great if you could inform someone in the community to give any siblings and your parents dawah, although it doesn't seem like an easy task based on the information you have provided. I say this because if you leave, there maybe adverse consequences for any siblings that remain.

    I do apologise I know I haven't answered your question but hope I have highlighted related issues. There are many in your situation, it will be interesting to see if a direct answer can be given by the more knowledgeable brothers or sisters.

  2. Sister Ash786,
    I don't see any problem with you getting married with this brother since your parents don't seem to take this matter seriously and you are not getting any younger. However, I would like to recommend you to seek help from other family members such as uncles, cousins etc and have them on your side. If they are not helping then you should seek the help of your local imam to act as your wali. I would highly recommend that you assess your situation carefully without getting emotional or merely relying on your feelings for this brother before you take final step because marriage is a lifelong commitment and you don't want to rush into things. As you have given very little information about the brother so I am assuming that he is of good character, practices religion to best of his ability, earns a decent living from a halal job to support a family and someone who you think will guide the future family to become the best of Muslims iA.
    Also, I am confused about two things here first,

    His parents adore me completely and I have met them without my parents awareness but his parents are alhumduALLAH nice.

    which means that his parents live in the same country as you both live but then you say;

    he has booked tickets to his home country in a few weeks time for both of us to go abroad and get married with his family permission and awareness. My family are unaware of it and I have not mentioned anything to anyone.
    which means they are in his native country.
    Question is how did you meet them in the first place? If you have traveled on your own with him then I won't recommend that as he is still non-Mahram to you. So, have your Nikkah done here in your country and get letter/certificate (as proof of Nikkah) and then fly back to his country for rest of the ceremony. Sister, I can't stress enough on the fact that your actions will definitely affect your other siblings so whatever you do please perform istikhara and involve someone such as your relative or Imam to help you in your marriage process. I wish you good luck and may Allah (swt) make things easier for you and give hidaya to your parents. (amin).

    Wasalam,
    Muhammad1982.

    Editor, IslamicAnswers.com

  3. Hi,
    I think your old enough to leave home and get married to this guy...just tell your parents straight, that your getting married to this guy whether they agree or disagree to it...don't waste your life, you have found a prefect guy for yourself...life is too short.

  4. I agree. Tell them and leave. Happy married life! 🙂 I wish you lots of nice children.

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