Islamic marriage advice and family advice

He’s incarcerated, but I feel as though he was made for me

I'm in love with a Muslim prison inmate

I'm in love with a Muslim prison inmate

I met this guy who is.  currently incarcerated.

However I feel as though he was created for me. He has brought me ten times closer to Allah and I am ready to marry him.

What should I do?

- Amirah

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5 Responses »

  1. marry him

  2. Asalaamualaikum...Sis, can you elaborate, as its hard to offer advice based on such little information...

    At the same Istikhara


  3. Salaams Amirah,

    I think I would like to make a few comments, as I myself have been happily married to an ex convict for over 6 years. I met him 9 months after his release, and he was in for 10 years from the age of 17. He took Shahadah while there.

    I am not sure how you met this man you care about, but hopefully your love has a Divine strength from Allah because if you do marry him, you will need that strength to carry yourself, him and any children you have through his readjustment to living outside prison.

    Now I can tell you, based on what my husband has told me, there are some very deeni brothers in prison. They may arguably have a level of devotion that Muslims who have never gone to prison don't have. I am sure he has already told you some of the traumatizing and scarring things he has witnessed or experienced while there. Make no mistake, these things will affect him even after his release for some time, no matter how strong his faith. When a brother is in prison, he has most of his time to work on his deen, to be devoted in practice, and enjoy fellowship with other brothers. When he comes out, he will have to shift his focus somewhat as he takes on responsibilities such as employment, marriage, and raising a family. This is going to be a tremendously difficult adjustment for him, and he will depend on your love for strength while he transitions. A lot of times when a Muslim leaves prison, especially if he's been serving a long sentence, the adjustment and the reality that the way he experienced Islam is different than "what it is out here in the world" causes severe depression, which at times can include sinful behaviors and thoughts he indulges in. Please be patient with him if you see this start to happen, because if his faith is well grounded and your love for each other is sincere, time will show that it was a temporary state.

    Another thing you should be aware of is the fact that being in prison, he had to learn a lot of 'coping skills' that are not always beneficial in a marriage. You may find that he has tendencies to become overly angry, even in frightening ways, when you argue with him (all marriages have arguments). If you both are willing to stick it through, you will find what you have survived to gether enriches your relationship and cultivates a better understanding of Allah's attributes of love, compassion, and forgiveness. You should also know that in prison inmates play a game of seeing who could "out-bluff" the other, and will say a number of things they may not really mean just to "win". You may find that he does the same with you, and you will be hurt if he does. However he will likely apologize for doing so after, and you will have to be the best judge of whether his apologies are sincere or not.

    You must be ready to accept that it may be your responsibility to financially support the family, as most ex felons have a difficult time finding employment after release. There is also a quality of "keeping his secret" that you may find stressful, as most people would not understand why you would knowingly marry someone who commited a crime.

    In a nutshell, prepare to deal with the worst of his character. He has had to be able to let it out in certain circumstances to protect himself physically, emotionally, and mentally. He will not be able to just "shut off" that strategy just because he's married. If you are willing to accept that despite his love for you, his own scars and traumas and needing to sort out his issues may cause him to abuse you (perhaps even physically), cheat on you, hurt you, embarrass you, do haram, and so on, you may be up to the task ahead of you. If you feel from the bottom of the heart that his potential and love for you outweighs the struggle that you may face the first few years of your marriage, you will find that your patience and perseverence was worth the sacrifice, and he will grow to cherish you sincerely above all other women.

    I am advising you based on my own personal experience. My husband and I had to go through some very tough times and still have to make sacrifices socially b/c of his record. But our love is very strong, our bond is deep, and our family has so much love and I wouldn't trade it for anything, no matter how painful it was at times. So be prepared, be aware of what you're doing, and trust in Allah always. Insha'Allah your marriage will be beautiful.

  4. Yours words have given me hope. I am married to a man who is incarcerated. I thought I was alone. I have experienced many of the above mentioned and am struggling with my feelings. I hold fast to Allah and make du'aa I will get though this. I love my husband. I love being married, but I love the Deen more..

  5. My attendant is locked up but we want to get married soon so what is the procedure we will have to take to get married while he is still in jail?

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