How to end attraction to a man I’m not married to?
Hi I'm 30 years old mashallah. I have six beautiful children and a good husband. I would just like to share some major problems I'm having if you guys can help me. Mashallah I'm reading my five time namaaz and try to do my talawat and dhikr on a daily basis. The problem is actually my marriage, for the first ten years my husband and his family had emotional physically financially and verbally abused me- accused me of having affairs and his son not being his?? We had aborted our first child because of his infidelity and he neglected our other children. He made me move home 9 times in the last 13 years, and I've been very unsettled till this day.
The problem is my marriage was already decided at the age of 15 and I finally got engaged and then married in July 1998. I was happy with the rishta because the parents were happy and the guy (A) was a good match. Before my time of engagement I had obviously been in the sixth form, I had many male friends and mashallah all of them were good friends. I never dated or was seen as the type!!! Anyway, before engagement I had quite often felt vibes by a particular guy (B) that he had somewhat intentions of him liking me?? I dont know, to be honest I was very naive, I didnt understand much.
When I had left sixth form in May 1998, I met everyone from school but this particular guy didnt meet me. Anyway, I carried on knowing I'm beggining my new life, and then BANG it hit me I felt I had some feelings for this guy (B).
Anyway, to cut the story short, as I had mentioned I had a pretty bad time in the last ten years of my marriage. I think I handled it quite well with the amount of tolerance and patience I put with. It was hell, honest!! Anywaym, just a few months back I met up with an old school friend and we decided to do a school reunion...what mistake did I make?? I met that particular guy (B) there. He was the only person I did not speak to in the restaurant because you know that feeling you get when you kinda know someone likes you? So I avoided him. Since that day, this guy is not getting out of my mind. I can't stop thinking about him. I daydream, I can't eat, i can't sleep, I can't do anything right.
Alhamdullilah my husband changed his attitude after my last daughter becuase i left him in 2007 knowing he will NEVER CHANGE HIS WAYS...but Allah knows best, the guy my husband changed. Now the problem is, I find it very difficult to forget what he's done to me in the past ten years, and its killing me because I know how difficult my life has been. One day I did dhikr and talawat and before fajr namaz and I had a dream of this guy (B) that I knew in school. That morning I was really happy and I went to the TAX office for some appointment and I had a very certain feeling I knew he was gonna be there...and guess what when I turned around wham there he was in my face! So, I just nervously asked said "hi" and asked him wHAt he was doing there, but I'm telling you the guy (B) speaks with his eyes...it's like he said sooo much to me in a matter of seconds!! I read namaz and asked Allah SWT not to ever do a manouvere like that with me again...its embarassing!!
All I need to know is why is this guy is coming back into my life again and why can't I stop thinking about him? It feels as though I'm more like his soulmate. I don't want to do zina, but I think by me thinking of him thats what's happening. I'm not going to do anything bad, may allah SWT forgive me. I am steadfast in my prayers but what it is he's sweeping me off my feet and I am really going distant from my husband. I can't take it anymore...I pray not to think about him- still I think about him! What shall I do?
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Assalaamu'alaikum Sis
Look sis...first of all what "rishta" means??
Sis that the game of shaitwan...hehe...he is playing with ur NAFS...so be carefull my dear...but one thing dont blame shaitwan for ur Mistake...coz Allah Ta'ala has clearly mention in the Quraan in the sense that don't blame shaitwan for ur mistake but instead urself!! Sis Allah Azza Wajal has given us a gift of Free Will...so u choose...u wana go to the right one which we will have to face difficulty or the wrong one which is easy to follow. Up to u now.
I'm not judging u sis but there is lack of strength in ur A'maal, Salaah, Zikr n Tilaawah...why, Allah Ta'ala says in the Quraan accordingly that For sure Salaah is a Shield against Immorality and grave sins...so sis by thinking of ur guy B is a great sin (Zina, Immorality) which finally will lead to more catastrophic situation...if u dont control urself by now it will become more difficult for ya in the future...u know one thing sis...there is no such thing in Islam of a boy being a friend to a girl, even good friend, there is no such thing...the reunion u guys made was the FATAL BLOW of shaitwan...so now to stop this ull need to face ur Nafs, if by Allah Ta'ala with patience u face it with good reaction, ull find peace of heart soon...but be careful...if u go with it moderately, ull enjoy the journey my dear...so take care...
over n out
peace
Ma'assalaam.
Aslaamwalaykum,
I assume you can read Urdu so here is a link to Asmaa-ul Husna, InshAllah the barkat gained from the recitations of the names of Allah, glorifying Him and asking Him for forgiveness, will strengthen your Nafs. Please use with good intention.
Link to pdf download:
http://www.maktabah.org/component/content/article/75-misc/654-sharah-asma-ul-husna-urdu---.html?directory=71
InshAllah this will help. Also, please go ahead and pray at least 2 rakat tawba prayer as well and sincerely repent for any and all sins,then glorify Allah Subhana Wata'aAllah with his Best of Names and ask for His help Alone, and have hope that you will remove the thoughts of guy(B) forever.
Good Luck sis,
Salaam.
Thamkyou!!
From my personal experience, I recited the Beautiful Name of Allah "Ya Ahadu" about 1000 times followed by salawat upon our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (Salalahu Alayhi Wassallam).
Then I made dua to Allah and asked to control my nafs from doing evil deeds and instead focus more on good deeds...the nafs is best described here in this beautiful lecture by Brother Bilal Assad.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NFZzwcnnfL4
I hope it inspires you!
Good Luck sis and never let the shaytaan mislead you!
Barak Allah Feekum,
-MuslimBro
Dear sis...
Having contact with male friends not in the islamic way is HARAAM,whats that reunion??? male friends?????? all these things leads to the evil thoughts you are facing...thats why it is said lower your gaze,when u said hye to him and looked into his eyes your feelings again started to flow...thats very wrong,you can have contact with your female friends but why to involve guys in that...sorry but u planted a seed which is resulting in this issue...just a look can make things worst...i advice not to be in contact with guys and when you doubt that the B guy will be there not to go to that place...
Things are still in your control if you'l follow your nafs you will regret it afterwards and will be asking advice on i have commited major sins with the guy how do i ask for forgiveness to Allah...
And if any how your husband will come to know about it he'll never trust you ever in his life...the trust you have gained now dont let it go..plsss
May Allah guide you..
DEAR SIS,
There is no need to plan any reunion, specially with boys. You are already married u dont need to do such type of things. You should focus on your family and whatever you want to plan you can do it with your husband. There is no meaning of such party or union in life, so be clear. Such silly things ( friendship or party) always creates problems in life...
khuda hafiz
why dont u just re unite with B and then c for urself that the grass just seems green on the other side but it aint at all....u have never lived with B how can u tell what kind of guy he is or what he will do?
Haniyyya,
Thats very bad advice. This sister does not need to hook up with guy B to figure out that the grass is not greener on the other side.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
it wasnt advice it was a saying :),,,,, we all know most people dont want to take heed till they see for themselves it is called SEEING IS BELIEVING no matter how much u try to warn them they disagree because they depend on the FANTASY and forget the REALITY.....
Sister in question, Salaam.
Please repent to Allah (swt) and forget foreverrrr the guy (B) and if ever see him in any form avoid and sayTAWBAH.
Protect your faith in Allah (swt) and take greater care of your husband and children!
May Allah (swt) shower you and all Muslims with so much TAQWA and DEEP FIRM FAITH IN ALLAH (swt) ALONE.
Don't ever play around with your self-respect, dignity and honor.
your sis,
Parveen
-x-
AA;
Sister: This is not but another test! You said you were patient and you were praying and you tried alot to keep things good with your husband, and you are a good Muslim, so why stop now? why are you thinking about this guy or even worry or think about meeting him? This is just another way for Shaytan to get into your head and your heart so keep you unhappy and keep you thinking!
Please, forget about him, forget the soul mate thing, forget the Hollywood stories and movies, you have a great thing going on for you Alhamdolellah, focus on that 🙂
If I am correct, it is from Allah. If I err, it is from and I pray Allah forgives me.
May Allah grant you patience, guidance, and shower you and your family with his mercy.
AA
Just a Man
Asalaam alaikum,
You need to get to grips with the abuse you suffered in the past. Either you believe your married life has changed, you have forgiven your husband, and he has changed for the better, or you do not. Also, it seems that he never made amends to you for his past behavior or did his family. You need to think about these things and if need be, discuss with your husband any outstanding emotions that you have had during these years. It seems that you are suffering from never having made a resolution with these memories and emotions that came with the abuse that happened to you. You need to address this fact as it may be a contributing factor to your current thoughts of infidelity.
The case of meeting B on occasion is not a sign that you are destined to be with him. It is a circumstance that happened, but how you deal with it will determine which path you will follow. You must recognize that it's been 13 years since you first saw him and in that time many things have changed. For a man you did not know well, you are developing an imaginative life with him, when you have no idea what his motives or personality is like. This is significant because when you saw him, your mind reverted back to your youth when you had not suffered your marriage abuse and so, you are clinging to a time when you were innocent of these circumstances and aligning that time with the memory of this man, B. It if not him per se that you are being attracted to so much as the idea of that time of your life before you suffered difficulty. He is just the "trigger" you are using to focus on that innocence in your life and you are being attracted to him because of that.
This is why I say you have not come to terms with the conflict in your married life in the past. Once your husband and you make amends for that time, if done compassionately and sincerely wherein he acknowledges your dignity and love, then these thoughts of B and your former self will disappear as you focus on your present life and marriage. This will have the benefit of making your marriage stronger and your love between you and your husband more committed and honest.
In short, it's not B that you are falling for, but your own past pre-marriage and pre-abuse life.
Please examine your emotions with this analysis in mind.
The only person that seems to be making sense is Brother Professor X. Everyone else was just too quick to judge this sister, without acknowledging the horrific abuse that she had faced in her marriage. Thank you Brother Professor X for being so considerate toward's this sister's feelings and trying to provide kind advice and guidance, in a similar manner to Brother Wael. I frequently visit this website and it's always a pleasure to see the way in which Muslim brothers and sisters help and guide one another towards our deen in a compassionate manner. However, it has been disappointing to see how this sister has been judged by our so called Muslim brothers and sisters. Allah knows best.
Thank you for your kind words Sister S, but surely my advice even surprised myself because I knew it comes from a greater source, The Almighty, who is the Most Compassionate Lord. I am nothing but his lowly servant and Subhan'allah, if I can provide some counsel, it is in the service of His pleasure.
Though Islam requires us to uphold the Rights of Woman, and many books have been written which reaffirm this stance in our religion, I believe that we, as Muslims, have failed to implement it in our lives by failing to recognize spousal abuse as a horrible violation of human dignity openly within the ummah. The emotional, verbal, financial, social, psychological, sexual and physical abuse that takes place in a marriage is a violation of the religion of Islam. It is a direct assault on the creation of the Creator. If we acknowledge that our own bodies are merely a loan from Allah (swt), which they are, then indeed we must know that a spouse's body, mind and heart are of the same nature: a blessing to be nurtured and not neglected or abused.
In this case, it has drawn this woman to an area of where her thoughts are focusing on a time in her life wherein her body, heart and mind didn't know such pain. Where she just knew of her innocence and the potential of happiness unmarred by hurt and heartache. And look how beautifully she responds! She asks for help and in her first line, praises her children and her husband. That even after all the abuse over 10 years, she calls him "good" and wants to stay with him.
Her reaction to this man, B, is like that of a woman who is confused as her memories of her youth and innocence are flooding back to her whether subconsciously or consciously. By her written word, we could imply that she is feeling like a young girl again, flustered by her imagination and lowers nafs. She needs help and surely, in this state, she does not know what is happening and why it is occurring to her. All this is a sign of her previous abuse and the analysis I have given of her situation. I pray that she takes it to heart.
It's important to note that she is trying to stay on the Right Path and didn't commit an unlawful act as of yet. A few mistakes, sure, but she's a human being like the rest of us.
In my life, I have seen many abused women at work or in women's shelters. I have heard their cries, seen their bruises and their desperation. The brokenness of their soul shakes the inner core of your very being as a witness to their life. We all need to spare some compassion, sympathy and empathy to their struggles and help these ladies reaffirm their God-given dignity.
I pray that we can all do that for each other, which we would expect from Our Lord in His Judgement of us.
Dear Sister Moonbaby80, please take time to heal yourself properly and call on your husband to kindly resolve the hurt in your heart. Deep down inside of you, there is something still left open and a crack in your heart's layers that has not been healed, but can be by your husband's love and understanding. If he has given you 10 years of hell, then he owes you a lifetime of joy and happiness. He needs to know that you are his gift from Allah (swt) and make amends for that, in turn.
His family owes you just as much, as well.
May Allah (swt) guide you to the best life possible.
Salaams Sister Moonbaby80,
Brother Professor X has given some very good advice, which I fully agree with: You need to deal with your 10 years of hurt and pain from your husband and his family - this is extremely important, as unresolved issues can destroy, not only yourself, but others around you.
Regarding guy B: I will not belittle the way you feel, however I do believe that those feelings will pass, Insha Allah. People come into our lives for "whatever" reasons, and I think that sometimes we feel a connection to certain people more than others. We don't really know the whys and hows - it just happens - part of Ghaib. The important thing here is to control your desires and trust in Allah. Pray sincerely and make dua often, oh and be patient. Stop yourself from thinking about guy B - I know, you probably think that I can't understand how you feel and that you can't seem to help it.....but you can. The more thought and importance you give to guy B, the longer he will linger in your mind. Stop feeding the thoughts about him. He may or may not be your "soulmate", but that doesn't really matter, as you are married and have kids. Just because you have a strong connection to him does not mean that you are meant to be with him - sometimes these "soulmate" show up in our lives just to "trigger" something with in us, something we need to fix or deal with in order to get closer to Allah. Focus your energy and attention into yourself, rather than guy B.
Insha Allah, once you deal with your past issues with your husband and his family - which btw may not be easy, but you should do it. And you start focusing on yourself, your feelings/thoughts for/about guy B will go away.
PS - I admire your courage and patience.......stay strong sister!! 🙂
Salaams,
Sid.
Thankyou!!
I think your the only person along with a few others who havnt made fun of me while i posted this comment on here...and i thankyou so much for you wasting your precious time on me....im crying so much with tears rolling down my face while txting this but sometimes i feel as though im going mad and the best place for me to go is a mental institute...because i feel that either im always wrong and crazy or the worlds crazy...and have seen what happens to those who leave their husbands and kids and how their lives are...and how famlys are destroyed...to be exact its happened in my own dads family so the examples are all there...but its just sometimes i just cant take all this burden...i dont understand why allah paak puts me through so much difficulty i find it soo hard to be patient...its hard no one really understands ....how hurt i am....how i feel...i really trusted my husband ...he broke my heart a long time ago...but i still care for him and i respect him and i love him because hes the father of my children....and most of all hes making up for that lost time....im a sinner i should not be thinking of that man...but im human at the end of the day.....i feel very bad....i value all of your opinions and inshallah will have a stronger imaan....as not to go anywhere near this man....jus to let you know my family all knew about this man and that i used to like him....but they knew he liked me anyway...but dont worry mashallah i have great support my family are always there for me....i will never go to the extent of hurting my husband my kids they are my world....i jus need to rid myself the thoughts of this man..everytime im reading namaz or doing talawat he keeps popping in my head...tell me a dua i could read to rid of these thoughts???...Thankyou!!
Asalaam alaikum,
Your words are quite genuine and I can feel your remorse and pain. This is such a crucial state of being, as it's a beautiful way in which you are struggling and though I know it's painful, Alhamdulillah, this is the way of tearing yourself away from your lowers nafs and walking the righteous path of Allah (swt).
Your quest to be a good wife is the path of a noble woman, but be aware that on this path, Shaytan is angry and will try anything to tempt you. In Sura Nas, we ask Allah (swt) to keep us safe from the whispers and conspiracies of men and jinn. Pay attention to the fact that in this sura, it's acknowledged that we cannot avoid these things, as they whisper into our hearts. Even during prayer, which is the biggest struggle against the ego in surrendering to Allah (swt), we must endure and overcome it.
Shaytan comes to us disguised as a tempting and a lustful thought. A thought that goes to our inner lust and tries to play into our mind. his is why you feel the madness inside of you. It is a battle with Shaytan and to a certain extent, yourself. You see, when we become an enemy of Iblis, we also become an enemy of our possible deviated self and mind. Therefore, we must be alert and fight against these things. I know it's a tough battle and often very tiring, but you have refuge with Allah (swt) and with your husband.
So it is incumbent upon you that whenever you feel these things, make proper dua to Allah 9swt) seeking His protection. Read the following Suras: Al-Kafiroun, Al-Falaq, Al-Ikhlas, An-Nas and Ayat Kursi. These are specific to keep you away from your lowers nafs and the Shaytan while seeking the Ultimate Refuge with Allah (swt). Here is an additional dua I found particularly helpful in times of great need, remorse and pain.
In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful.
I ask forgiveness of Allah, (who is) "There is no god save He," ever-living, eternal, beneficent, merciful, owner of might and majesty. I beseech Him to accept my repentance, the repentance of a servant - insignificant, submissive, destitute, needy, worried and, helpless seeking protection, who, on his own, neither can win or lose, nor die, nor live, nor come to life again.
Oh Allah! I run away (to You) from an insatiable self, unremorseful heart, useless intelligence, unaccorded prayer and unfulfilled request.
Oh Allah! I beseech You for ease in the wake of distress, joy after sorrow, comfort coming after hardship. Oh Allah! whatever facility I have is from You. I ask for Your forgiveness and I turn repentant unto You.
It is good to know that your husband is making amends for those times, and these moments is where you can solidify your love for him. When he does something right, kind and gentle, go to him and hold him. Whether it be cleaning the house, playing with the children or whatever everyday experience you see, take this time to cherish him and build your love for him. Those moments after a meal, when the children are asleep or when you have time with your husband, go to him and hug hum, pressing your ears against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. Tune your breath with his pumping heart and allow him to caress you. Take those special moments to affirm your love and profess it to him. Kindly, sweetly and softly, as a woman only knows how, love him and enjoy his masculinity for yourself.
Praise his strength, dress nicely for him in the home and always make time to make beautiful moments of intimacy. Allah (swt) gives us desire to be indulged in through marriage and it's important that you always satisfy your longings with your husband whenever they occur to you. It is not shameful to go to him and seduce him when you feel the need for it. It's vital to become open with your sexuality only with your husband. Many husbands will love this behavior and will do everything necessary to satisfy their wives desires in this way. Carefully request and live out your rightful fantasies with him, as well. As long as it is within Islamic guidelines, everything you feel inside of you should be expressed to your husband when it comes to your private intimacy and your bedroom. Take advantage of each intimate moment to fall deeply in love with him and passionate towards his love making.
If you have to, send the children out to be taken care of at a relative's house every other weekend, or more often if possible, to make special time for you and your husband alone. Plan romantic dinners, picnics and events for only you two. Even if you do not have much money, small snacks and the sunset are enough to create bonding time together. Do not be afraid to tell your husband that you "need him." If there is anything that you are missing intimacy wise, playfully show him how to touch you to "push your buttons," so to speak. Talk seductively with each other and continually make plans every week to have "wife and husband" time. It's so important to do this right now, when you feel vulnerable.
Allah (swt) has given you a husband to fulfill all your needs of love, intimacy and sexual desires. So it's right and proper that you whether it's a talk, a kiss, or loving embraces, that you go to your husband for your needs and desires. Even if there is something particular that you feel embarrassed about, do not hesitate to share with your husband. Let him become the man you need, want and desire. Take every chance to bond together. When you do this, it's a form of worship and surely, it will temper the fires inside of you and quell your thought of another man. Though it will take a while, over time, your love will grow stronger for your husband and you will not want anyone else to interfere with the love you share with him.
Thankyou brother for all the support...i am actually bayt with Sheikh Nazim al Haqqani saab,..im a mureed of the Haqqani Naqshbandi Sufi Spiritual Order..and perform my daily awrad they have also given the permission to recite certain wazifa's...so im am gong ahead with them...but thankyou for listening out!! I will make a special dua for you!!..Inshallah!!
Hello, sister
I understand your problem. I have battled temptation throughout the years. I read a secular book entitled, "The Invisible Partners" that helped me realize that the man I was enamored of was a projection of a desire for growth within myself. Once I started to analyze my fantasies and desires I came to realize there were clues to the parts of my personality I needed to work on--for example, the man in question--I could listen to him talk for hours. I realize that I envied him his imagination and storytelling ability and decided to work on those things in myself. I have become a better conversationalist and more social, and my life is richer in those ways. I envy that man far less because I use my conversation and storytelling skill in my work life (because I value these things very much). I use stories to inspire, entertain, and inform. I work at getting better all the time and I humbly for feedback on others on how I can improve. The constructive criticism and the praise I've received--intermingled with prayer and reflection--have helped me feel so much better about myself and greatly reduced my attraction to this man.
Now, when I am tempted, I look at the man in question as a muse--a source of inspiration for personal growth. How can I truly be in love with a man I don't know? I can't--but I can be in love with an image or idea that he may represent in my mind.
Figure out what the root of your desire is and focus only on that, not on the person.
Also, your struggle with forgiving your husband for the past will get in the way of your personal growth and positive development of your marriage. You may need a marriage counselor...
Salaams
I agree with Professor x. Everything said has been useful.
I would like to say to sister in question is get to the bottom of your real issues hiding or concealing your problems will only get you far. Face your problems with your husband, you feel your heart will never be amended I strongly feel by you communicating with him will actually bring the better in both of you. I think your issue are more than this maybe its is the guilt or the fear of giving up stop beating yourself up about the past. Please dont get involved in this guy B he isnt to be trusted no matter how nice he is, he is actually playing you. Allah has given you a test we are all in this path do not get fooled. Your emotions are all over the place because the real issues you havent managed to let go. I know it is very hard but this guy b coming is a test from allah and you got to fight it. I hope allah protects you and your family i hope this helps take care w/salaams
Alhamdulillah, I'm glad you touched on that fact of Guy B, Sister Samina.
One thing I overlooked is that if he knows that Sister Moonbaby80 is married and that she had feelings for him, by speaking to her in a flirtatious manner shows that his ahklaq and intentions are questionable and haraam. He would be taking advantage of her situation and should have avoided her at all costs.
On a similar topic, there is a hadith that states that every married man should pay close attention to any males that visit their house. Furthermore, it is reasoned that they should assure that any circumspect males are never within the reach of their wives for this very reason of causing temptations. In this respect, this is a form of good jealousy, which was said that the jealousy of a man is faithfulness.
Keep this is mind, Sister Moonbaby80: that if this man B ever converses with you again in any manner, he is treading the path that leads to the Shaytan. He should know better than this and should avoid you to not cause you distress and undue hardships. If he tries to contact you or talk with you, then you should be aware of the disease in his heart that may try to poison your mind, marriage and life in this world and the hereafter.
Thankyou...
Please could anyone tell me how to delete this question off here??
We don't delete questions after they have been published and answered.
Wael
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear sis professor and all are very right...when we suffer pain we try to switch over ourselves to pleasant situations....like B...but Allah's fear make us to stop there....but i feel along with namaz dhikr dua's we can also take counselling from psychologists or hypnotists....and they suggest our sub-conscious mind to re-align our view towards....aspects like B....because...pleasant things is a mind magic i feel to keep person not get deprived in pain full situations....our conscious mind chooses it for that moment and afterwards our sub-conscious mind starts to lead us in the direction....and our sub-conscious is very strong...but it lacks judgement....it wont find fault or judge the danger....but it take u there every second....but your conscious mind making you think ponder over the sin and your family sharia sin comes to your mind...you again stop....but after a while again your strong sub-conscious mind lead automatically there though not physically....you travel mentally....so heal your sub-conscious mind by experts in the field...and make a chord cutting with the aspect B....you will be safe and you enjoy....this situation came in your life when your are in frustration resentment agony self denial situation over all awkward situation which you have no control....it made you to fight for recognition self-respect love and to be loved...it is the need of every human being....but destiny circumstances played the roll be brave wise and with lot of love i pray for you my dear sister....please take advise of Psycho-hypnotist and your brain chemicals and inner psyche will be healed and cure and lead a very happy and prosperous life...Allah bless you.....Ameen...your life is precious make it glorious...