“We will kill you” to keep family honour
Asalaam alakium, I wanted Islamic advice on the following topic. I started to like a Muslim man Algerian 21 years old) and both of us believed at the time our family would have accepted it has been 3 years trying to explain to them to allow this marriage to take place. I’m of Pakistani origin (19) but neither of our family is willing to accept us to get married. We tried to explain to our family that racism is haram but both family just get angry and become violent when we try to give them dawah using hadiths and Quran. They also use against us that prophet daughter Fatima (rta) married her cousin. They have tried allot times time to try and set us up into a marriage we do not want but thankful to Allah (swt) something has gone wrong.
When we tried to explain to them we love each other and want a family they say stuff like ‘what would community say’, ‘family honour’, ‘we will kill you’, ‘a women cannot find her own man that make a women look very unclean or something like she loose her respect’, I’ve tried using story of Hazrat khadija but they just tell us that prophet and his family are above our status and we shouldn’t do what would make your parents upset.
His saying say along same and that ‘a non Arab is not equal to an Arab’ we both love each other and our family we really want to make things work without hurting anyone. P.s. my family have not seen this Muslim man nor has his family seen me or my family they both object to even speak about the topic of marriage together. Our family would like us to marry of the choices but we object to this due to fact I do not like the person and he isn’t very educated. We also tried to stop contacting each other and we ended up getting so upset that in end we started speaking. Could you please make dua and give me a dua which I could use to make this better. We both are trying to following Islam correctly, such as keeping everything halal, we read Quran, pray 5 times a day. He is going to be taken to Algeria in few week and I´m scared he´ll be forced into marriage.
- SHabz
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As salamu alaykum, sister SHabz,
Thank you very much for sharing. What to advice you when they threaten you with death, this is really a difficult task because all my senses projects me to save your life as priority number one, then keeping this in my mind, I will try my best, with Allah(swt) help and guidence, insha´Allah.
You have brought forward all the rational ways to make your family understand the following;
And he said, "A woman is married for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. You should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a loser. "(Bukhari)
"When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. " (Tirmidhi)
First of all, I would recommend to both of you to perform Istikhara related to this situation, to seek Allah(swt)´s guidance will clear the path, insha´Allah. You have a link on top of the page that says Istikhara, Questions and Answers, I remember you this won´t be a question of dreaming would be focused on how you feel towards the situation after you have prayed Istikhara.
Once this is done if you feel that pursuing the marriage is still what you have to do, then I advice you the following, this you will have to ponder it because this can hurt even more your relationship with your family, then think deep about it before making any movement:
***Get someone of higher islamic knowledge involved who can help such as an Iman or his wife. Do you have any contacts at the masjid? It may be good for an Imaan to help convince the guys parents as well.
Alternatively, if they continue refusing, you could marry without your parents consent if they are rejecting him for no sound reason, but this may cause you problems(possibility of death included, then I won´t recommend you this).
You have a link on duas on top of the page, your faith moves me, keep focus Allah(swt) answers all the prayers, sometimes in the most unexpected way but for sure with the best for us in every moment, Alhamdulillah.
I have found very healing to pray surat 113 and surat 114 before going to bed, Masha´Allah.
Sister, when your bond to Allah(swt) is tight, fear is a emotion that may visit you for a bit, but your Light will melt it and make it dissappear fast, then increase consciousness in your prayer, and make dua with the Heart, just doing this you will notice a huge difference in your daily life and in your way of dealing with this situation, insha´Allah
I am sorry for not being of more help.
May Allah(swt) ease your way for the best for all of us. Ameen.
All my Unconditional Respect,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister Maria,
The word is "imaam" instead of "imaan".
Salaam,
Your brother.
Walaykum as salam, BrotherMunib,
Thank you very much, I´ve been writing it wrong for months, now, time to learn.
Wasalam,
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister Maria,
I have been seeing it for over a month too 🙂
May Allah teach us all and guide us to His way.
Salaam,
Su hermano.
Walaykum as Salam, Brother Munib,
I read many words written right and wrong and sometimes it seems I just don´t see them anymore and I write what is closer to my language. Please feel free to correct me anytime, thank you very much again.
María
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalamu alaykum Sister,
We have in north India cases where non Muslims have killed their daughters. I have heard of other Muslims in the west threatening their daughters with killing as well.
This is sick pyschology. But we have to be patient.
As Sister Maria said, even your top priority should be survival, averting a possible attack on you from your own people. Guys come and go. Life does not.
If your parents are forcing you due to unIslamic reasons they are answerable to Allah.
My advice to you which Insha Allah should work 100% is : Be patient. Pray salaat. You will either get this guy or Insha Allah someone better.
Keep Sabr and wait until some time, may be some months, may be an year, may be more, it depends on you. If the guy and the girl both wait for each other and by their constant wait and non agreement to even see prospective marriage proposals, the parents may finally given is after a few months or years.
However I do not think a Muslim should remain "stuck" and pay so much devotion to keeping something like this going on. However if both people want, they may wait patiently for each other.
If the guy or girl marry's someone in between, then without complaining or much blaming, take it as Allah's will and wait for a better partner Allah would send, Insha Allah.
For now, Sabr, reading Qur'an with meanings and prayers to Allah should be your priority. Pray for your safety and your good in dunya and aakhirah. Enjoy time with family. Relax yourself and allow your family to relax .
Keep your and his safety as top priority. Leave all matters to Allah.
Hope this helps.
Salaam,
Your brother.