Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Lies and deceipt about taking second wife

Feeling deceived

Feeling deceived

I am a British Muslim convert married to an Egyptian Muslim in the UK.  I am older than he and unable to bear children. My husband took a second wife (who is now pregnant) over one year ago without my knowledge.

How can him lying and deceiving me for over one year to enable him to go and visit her be halal? She is a divorced Catholic with no belief in Islam. His family knew also. I'm devastated. How can this work?

My marriage was conducted in Arabic (I do not speak it). On questioning my wali at this point, four years after our marriage, he said he did not talk about additional wives with me at the time of marriage because everyone knows this is a possibility. I did not, and would never have agreed to it!

What do I do now? My life has been torn apart by lies and deceipt.

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3 Responses »

  1. Sister, it is the unfortunate truth that many Muslim men conduct themselves in this way. The question is: can you accept it ? Or no?
    Because what he has done is what he has done - but what you do from this moment forwards is more important, and thats what deserves your attention and energy right now

  2. Asalaamu Alaikum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh,

    Sister, I am sorry to say, but taking up to four wives is something men are allowed to do in Islam. Your husband is perfectly allowed to walk out your door, take on another wife---and you have no clue about it. Your husband does not have to tell you anything. It is not required upon him to tell that he married again, nor is it required for him to tell his second wife if he took on a third one. It is recommended to tell, but that is if it will not cause a problem in the marriage. I know someone that was able to tell their wife, and they are still moving along fine alhamdulillah.
    Sister, I know you may want to forbid your husband of doing this, but truth is---you cannot. This is a right upon men that Allah has given them because Allah knows the nature of men, we are not allow to make unlawful what Allah has made lawful. The woman being Catholic has nothing to do with it sister, men are allowed to marry outside of Islam.
    I agree with the above comment---what your husband has done, is what he has done. Sister it is up to you to do something about it.

    What you shouldn't do:
    You should not go up to your husband with a bad or mean attitude, even though this has hurt you really bad. He is still a Muslim, and your husband (for now). Nor, may you go up to him and scream, say or yell "I divorce you". For our safety, in Islam, women may not speak divorce. That means we cannot run around saying to our husband "I'm going to divorce you", or running around to our friends and what not saying "I'm divorcing _______". You may however, go to your Imam, tell your Imam what your husband did and tell him you would like to start the divorce process. Your Imam should not argue with you. Contrary to what many Muslimahs believe, women ARE allowed to divorce in Islam, and we can do so for any reason we please, no one should refuse you or look down on you for that Insha'allah sister.

    The Wali Situation:
    Your Wali was wrong for not discussing with you, ALL the possibilities in a marriage. The job of your Wali is to discuss things like taking on more wives, the duty of a wife in Islam, the duty of a Husband in Islam, who gets the kids in a divorce, etc. etc. Your Wali cannot simply assume that because you would like to get married, you automatically know everything there is to know about Islam. How Asinine! Your Wali had a duty upon you my dear sister and he should take that duty seriously....which he did not if he did not share EVERYTHING + more!
    I'm honestly not sure what to do about your Wali (not that you asked lol ^_^), but it is your duty my sister, if someone ask you if he is a good Wali, you must share with them your honest thoughts, and your experiences my sister, and let that sister know, that NO, you Wali is not the way to go! Though you are hurt, It is best to alert other sisters, so they won't be hurt too.
    I know things are hard right now sister, Allah knows, but please keep your head up and focus on learning more of your deen and pleasing Allah. Remember sis, everything in this life, in this Dunya is a test for us. This Dunya is not supposed to be fun for us, it is supposed to be a struggle. Right now, things seem awkward, twisted, wrong----but, once things have settled down a bit and maybe you are not with your husband, insha'allah, things will get better sister. Do remember that sometimes Allah puts hardships on his believers to make them come to him more. So sister, even in the worse of times, fall on your knees and cry out to Allah---for Allah i the ONLY one that can make the pain go away.

    And sister?.......
    Please remember your rights! You ARE allowed to get a divorce! and for the period of the divorce (I believe 3 months, astakfurallah if i'm wrong), your husband MUST still support you. He MUST support you EMOTIONALLY and FINANCIALLY.
    If you do choose to stay married (or if some quack tells you, you may not divorce), your husband has just entered a totally different ball game. Now, he MUST support you in EVERYTHING and the other lady with EVERYTHING. He MUST also support/take care of any child/children the other lady gives him. If that means your husband must take on one or two more jobs, he must do that. He is the supporter whether he likes it or not. He must spend EQUAL time with both you and the other wife. He must provide for BOTH of you emotionally------I'm a girl, your a girl, we both know that women can be rather emotional (subhanallah!)---so, hope he does't screw up----now he has two women to deal with.
    Your husband has really gotten himself in to a jam if he cannot support you two equally. More than likely your husband "thought with the wrong head" in making this decision to marry again, astakfurallah.
    Again sister, please do keep your head up! I know its hard, when my fiancée told me he wanted to marry another woman after me, and knew who the other woman was and when he wanted to do it-----I broke down. and sister, I did not marry that brother. We called it quits, which is what your are ALLOWED to do (sorry but I just HAVE to keep mentioning it!)!!!!

    Okay sis, I will leave you with a Du'aa:

    May Allah aid you in your time of need, and help you to make a good decision in your plan of action. May he help you through this hard time and make it easier for you. May Allah help you to be in the best of Iman and Health---Amin.

    *Hugs and Kisses* sister, May Allah bless you---Amin!

  3. Dear Sister,

    I am too a British Revert to Islam. I'm sorry that this had happened to you, you are unfortunate and your husband is deceitful. Although it is permissbale to marry up to four wives, it is advised that such practices should be discussed before the marriage contract to allow your feelings about the possibility of other wives be known. Also if your current wife does not agree to his second marriage then he should not do it, you should not cause unnecessary distress to your spouse. Women by nature are monogamous and wish too that their marriage partner can be too. If he respects you, then him being monogamous is a sacrifice that he should aim to make for you and your partnership to have a successful and happy marriage. I would not be able to 'share' my husband, so when I wish to marry, the condition will be on that our marriage is monogamous. If for any reason (i.e. unable to have children) then I allow him to ask for a divorce, but he must ask for a divorce from me before he can marry another and vice versa I should be able to ask for divorce if he is unable to give me children (although I would rather remain with him than divorce, and preferably i'd like my husband to do the same with me). It is frowned upon that your husband has made you unhappy in your marriage because of his actions, and advice generally is that all options are discussed before your husband chooses to marry another. Again, yes he can marry a catholic woman, but is she a chaste woman, is she a proper practising Catholic, or just Catholic according to what family she was born into? If he has married her and the conditions are incorrect then he has been wrong in his judgement. I feel that you need to discuss these matters through with your husband. Personally if I was in this
    marriage I too would be very upset. If you cannot tolerate his behaviour and if he does not treat you equally (which in reality may happen, if he is to have a child with this woman - how is he going to be able to justly divide his love, time and resources??) then I would consider divorcing this man. You do not deserve to be unhappy due to the inconsiderate actions of your husband. Aim to forgive, but if you cannot then the decision is yours to make.

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