Islamic marriage advice and family advice

My husband needs help for anger

I recently married about three months ago. My husband is a very sweet man and i love him to death when he is not angry. He has beat me on four different occassions in these short months.

I left after the last incident. I understand his personal background which is complicated but I know why he gets angry over such small things that drive him to the point of abuse. I want more than anything to be able to support him through any help he may recieve. Are there any islamic organizations that offer counseling for muslims who have faced abuse in their childhood and never recieved help which caused them to bring baggage into their adulthood. My husband and I both recognize that that is his major issue and he doesn't know how to deal with these things. I am the first person in his life to show him love and affection and he struggles with understanding how to accept it. Please help us we love each other but I'm intelligent enough to know that love is not worth me losing my life in the event he does not get help and that is why I left.

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3 Responses »

  1. Salam sister,
    I am sorry to read about your situation. May Allah give you strength during this painful period, ameen. Sister, your husband has abused you 4 times. That is more than ENOUGH for you to walk out and live in a secure place. I am glad you have done that already and realize that your life is at risk. Many women do not realize that and have this delusion he will magically change. They dont change without professional help. Your husband needs that! The childhood trauma or abuse he has undergone has probably taken a toll and is not being projected on you today. He cannot control his anger to the extent that he needs to hit to convey his message and authority? That's absolutely un-acceptable. You need to make it extremely clear to your husband even though you love him very much that he needs treatment asap, preferrebly therapy or counselling from a psychologist. They will be able to help him come to terms with his past problems. I am not sure in which country you reside but try going on the internet and surfing to find local instutitions that help with these issues. Talk to your doctor and ask for a referral to maybe psychologist or psychiatrist. Sister, these men do not change through sweet talks and gentleness, their problem is hardwired and rooted back to their past. They NEED professional help, especially if a person becomes physically abusive. That's enough of a sign for me to walk out but again he is your husband and you love him dearly. He also acknowledges that he has a problem, so we have some hope, even if its minute. But make it clear to him that you will not be returning until he does not seek professional help and make positive changes!
    Stay strong!

    • Typo: The childhood trauma or abuse he has undergone has probably taken a toll and IS being projected on you today.

  2. Assalaamu alaikum dear sister piety first!

    Helping sister (the helpful sister MashaAllah) has summed it up really well with her beautiful response. I will not reiterate, but I wanted to say MashaAllah well done sister for finding the strength to leave after it happened, Im so proud of you for that. Loving your husband is good, but alhumdulilah that you realise you cannot be treated that way. Personally, I think it best to live away from him for a while and help him sort himself out - this is for your own protection.

    I have found a good website, which I hope will be useful InshaAllah. (I dont know what country your in so not sure about available organistions?)

    I have also seen adverts in the past for courses especially designed for abusive men. Anger management courses are a possibility. I dont know about islamic organisations but general organisations would be useful. I am not a psychologist, so I cannot advise exactly which of these is best. I strongly recommend he goes for counselling and faces these issues.

    Continuing being supportive and understanding, try to avoid fights with him where possible. You will have to be very patient. His behaviour is not normal - even when people are exploding from anger, to actually hit is way too far. If he refuses counselling or refuses to get help, and continues being abusive sister, dont hesitate - please leave. Pray your salat if you dont already and make dua for Allah swt to help you both through this.
    I pray that Allah swt protects you, helps your husband and keeps you intelligent.
    Sara Editor.

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