How Can I Be Patient Until Marriage?
November 23, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Bilqis,
assalamualykum,
I am a 23 year old male, unmarried and attending graduate school. I am near to my graduation. At this age, I am very despearate to get married. I feel ready to have a wife now, but the problem is that I am not financially stable since I need ten to twelve months after graduation to get stable, but these months are getting hard for me. Every day is a trial for me as the environment of my campus is full of girls. It's like cultural shock once I came to USA from India (my home country). I need your help. please let me know what steps needs to be taken for being patient.
- Siddiq from USA
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Siddiq, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
I went to high school in Saudi Arabia, and from there directly to California for university. So I am aware of the culture shock you are talking about.
I have three points of advice for you:
1. Attach your heart to the Masjid
The most important thing you can do to maintain your peace of mind, and your imaan, is to stay close to the masjid (the mosque). The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) said that,
“The most loved places to Allah Ta'ala is the Masjid.� (Muslim)
And he said,
"“There are seven (types of persons) whom Allah will give protection with His Shade:â€.¦(one of them is) a person whose heart is attached to the masjidâ€.¦Ã¢â‚¬? (Bukhari, Muslim)
Try to go to the masjid every day for prayers, perhaps twice a day. You can go for Dhuhr or Asr prayer if you have a break from your classes, and again at night for Maghreb or Ishaa. Visiting the masjid at night is especially rewarding, as the Prophet Muhammad (pubh) said,
"Give good news to those who go to the masjid in the darkness of the night to offer the prayer in congregation that on the Day of Judgement they will be provided with a perfect light." (Tirmidhi)
If you go for Maghreb or Ishaa' prayer, try to linger a little bit afterwards to read Qur'an, do your homework, or make conversation with the others congregants. Get to know the brothers who attend regularly and become friends with them. This positive and supportive companionship will reinforce your desire to follow the Islamic path and avoid anything haram.
2. Fast
Fasting is a shield for you and will help to protect you from sinful thoughts and actions. It will keep you close to Allah and will purify your actions. Try to fast Mondays and Thursdays if you can, or at least one day a week.
3. Be Patient
The other thing I would say to you is that you are 23 years old and you have been patient for a long time, to your credit. Alhamdulillah you have guarded your religion and your purity. This is a valuable achievement and when you get married Insha'Allah you can have the satisfaction of entering your marriage with purity and sincerity, Alhamdulillah.
Just try to be patient for a little bit longer, until you are prepared to get marrried and Allah has brought you the person who will help you complete your deen and make a good Muslim family.
If any readers have some advice for this brother, feel free to post your comments below.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
AskBilqis.com Islamic Marriage and Family Advice
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I was really sad reading your question but have to admit that it was just like reading a statement from my own mine. Believe me we are sharing the same scenario. I am living in a community where the populace is switching from their islamic moral practive and adopting the western culture which has no regards for modesty. I know you will understan dwhat I am jusyt trying to say, because as a man it is not easy to stay chaste ib this type of environment but nonotheless we are management. I can feel the sign of resistant that is coming from you trying to avoid this girls but that should not be the end.Try to find someone who is ready to marry you inspite of your economic status because this is the only solid solution to your problem.
Assalamu alaikum. Man I have to say, I feel you both on this one. I go to a university in Los Angeles; and thats Hollywood for you. So you know there's gonna be immorally and immodestly dressed females walking around and almost literally throwing their goods at you. So if you don't have a strong heart, it's easy to get caught up. The way I try to help myself refrain from this fitna is by trying to love Allah as much as I possibly can. When you love someone, they stay in your mind and your heart. You don't stop thinking about that person and you do whatever it takes to make them love you back and you try your best not to upset that person. So I try to keep Allah on my mind as much as I can by thikring, listening to Quran in my car and reading Quran while i'm sitting before class waiting for the teacher to show up, and I try to please him as much as possible by refraining from looking at these women. Also I try not to displease him by refraining from looking and flirting with the women. Also from my experience, reading and listening to Quran help out a lot. Dressing like a muslim, with the thobe or kufi and growing the beard are also ways to help protect yourself from fitna.
Brother Abdur-Rahman, thanks for that excellent comment that really gets to the heart of our religion.
Well, illhamdullilah, you made it through highschool at least. Im currently in grade 11 high school (17) and Im really having a hard time with the same thing. I try to keep my head down when im walking and reading quran, and praying as much as possible. But also, I find that my problem isnt with the undressed women here, but its just that my body is telling me that i need to marry someone. I have tried everything to keep these feelings to a minimum, but its really hard. I think the best thing to do, is think about allah, and when you have these thoughts, just think about how happy you're going to be when you get married. Inshallah god be with you.
I wonder if it's this hard for everyone who comes from overseas into this environment. You have to ask yourself, what do you want? Do you want to commit zina with these girls whom you do not know and will not marry because they are not marriage material? Or they not important regardless of how they dress or how much they throw themselves at you because you know in your heart and mind that you want someone better, a muslimah for your wife. If you resolve to have high standards where you will not accept anyone except a pious muslimah for a wife no matter what then they can dress or do what ever they want they will not affect you.
do you live to love or love to live?
sallam , well i really want to get married i am 19 now and the thing is that i have a great job am in college hoping to find some one who would love me but the thing is i feel that i am so ugly and that no one in my community would want a girl who has corly hair , u know that all about it and also every one who ias geting married are all pritty , with stright hair its all about how you look not about who u are and other thing is that i dont think that my family will let me marry some one who is not in my community , so that makes me feel that i will never get married and that i am so ugly and some times i cry alot , but it wount help no point any ways its ok
As-salamu alaykum,
Dear Najma,
I think you should not be hopeless.I don't think that it's just about how you look.There should be some one who would love you because of your character.Pray, pray and pray to ask your Lord to match you with the right one.I believe Allah will guide you as well if you pray.Do not be sad, be hopeful.
Your brother Burak from Turkey
sister
trust me allah has put a partner for you in this world, you will get married to whom ever it is written.
The advise i will give to you is to practice islam and try to become a good muslima, as allah loves you weather you are pretty or ugly. Being a guy looks do matter, but mashallah to me any way the inner beauty of the rooh is much more importent than looks. Any way if a guy loves you for your looks that is not love that is lust, true love is not the hollywood style of love rather, the islamic way of love where to enter janat a man has to go through the feet of a woman.
I know i aint the best one to give advise as i do not have a marridge partner and im nearly 24 (grandad age), but you know they say that paitence is a virtue
Asslamvalekum,
I m a 27 yrs old boy and I am non married .Since one year i found a Christian lady teacher who teaches in the same school where i do.I was attracted towards this lady as she have charming face and talks very nicely gradually i began to love her. Firstly i was thinking its just a mere attraction but later i found that she is deeply rooted in my heart.When i told her She informed me that she is married and have one baby child of about 2yrs,but gradually she accepted my love and we started meeting and had physical relation also.I love her tooo much and ask her in my prayers to God.I want to marry her but she don't want to leave her husband for the sake of her mother and father's reputation she tells that her p[parents will die if she does this before her husband is died.Now i am not able to think for any other girl accept her as my wife as i think i cant give my love and happiness to other girl so i dont want to ruin another girls life.Finally i pray to God to find the way if He doesn't finds the way i have decided to suicide.Because i cant think of living alone without her I love her too much Please tel me what shall i do I m not able to control my emotions i almost cry for her daily.I read quran to pray .
Shah...
- This woman is married and you are both committing adultery by engaging in a relationship with each other.
- She is unlawful to you because she is married to another man
- You are causing separation between a married couple
***Adultery, asking for something unlawful and causing a separation between husband & wife are major sins.
You said that you 'Read Quran to pray' and that you ask God to give you this woman in your prayers.
Does it make sense that despite recognising Allah(swt)'s existence,
- we grossly disobey His Divine Laws
- and then we have the audacity to pray to Him for something that is a major sin?
Muhammed (saw) said: "No one makes a Dua without Allah giving him what he asks for, or keeping away from him a similar amount of evil, provided he does not ask for something sinful, or for breaking family ties (Tirmidhi).
Brother - Allah(swt) always answers our duas, but we must make halaal duas - duas that are pleasing to Him(swt). So dear Brother:
- realise your sin before it is too late,
- refrain from all involvement with this woman and make sincere intention to maintain this
- make dua to Allah(swt) to give you the eemaan, sabr and strength to abstain from this major sin you are involved in and beg Him(swt) to forgive you.
May Allah protect and guide us all.
SisterZ
salam brother Shah,
instead of thinking it that way.. that you can't live without her think how many lives you are destroying !! her daughter's and her husband's [they lover her so much] you are breaking the strong bond b/w the family members. imagine what future the daughter will have without her father ? what will she think about her mother.. that she loves someone else and not loves her father.
you are also upsetting Allah, you have already commuted zina.
how can you expect god to listen to your prayers when you are upsetting him so much !
leave all these sins inshaAllah and seek allah's help and guidance. its never too late to return back to allah.
i know its hard to forget first love but it ain't impossible. allah says kun and fayakun it happens.
set your priorities right !prefer His love over others.
Salaam,
What you are experiencing is temptation but there are many ways to control it. Did you know Athletes and Boxers abstain for long periods of time to increase their performance. They are so focused on winning the race / match / game that they are able to focus and abstain, not just from physical relations, but all manner of pleasures such as fast food, chocolate, staying up late and socialising. Tyson, the boxer once abstained for 4 years - and he was the youngest ever world champion as a result.
You are also playing a game and getting ready for a match - it's called "the hereafter" and "reaching Jenna" and the aim of the game is to get there with as clean a record as possible and InshAllah reach the goal. Part of the game is that we have to fight battles with demons outside and inside of us. Part of the game is simply navigation. But nevertheless, we have matches to fight, rounds to win and directions to find in order to clock this game.
What happens to us as people, is that we start to lose that focus. It's easy to do - after all, its not dangling in front of us like temptations are, and our points aren't on a scoreboard making flashes and noises when we win them as we go through life. They are invisible, hidden from our view. Try to refocus on this.
When we are in a temptation usually it is because we have given the object of temptation more qualities than it really has and fallen to lust. We put the object of temptation on a pedestal and imagine wonderful things about, we imagine it is the solution to our problem and it is more lovely than it really is - and we confuse the temptation with pleasure - when actually, its not pleasure at all. If you succumbed you would not feel better or relieved, you would feel guilty, dirty and horrid - you would carry that feeling into your marriage, and you would feel awful that you betrayed yourself.
This is how temptation works, its the best salesman in existence - it first offers you a wonderful advertising campaign, making you believe that this sin is the solution to your problem, tell you that actually, its not a sin, and afterwards when you buy - all of your problems will disappear. Then, after you have bought in, and comitted the sin - you find out very quickly that you've been ripped off. You dont feel better, your problem is not solved and you feel like crap.
I would recommend that you start thinking the following things:
1.) How much of this temptation is reality and how much of it imagined - are you putting this act on a pedestal and imagining beautiful things about it that arent really there?
2.) What is really there and what are you adding to it?
3.) In truth - will some evil really befall you if you are without it for a little longer?
Finally, I would add that it is permissible to relieve yourself to prevent you from comitting sin.
Peace,
L
Thnx for commenting both,
I am in deep love with her i am not able to forget her for a single a minute i become like mad when she not talks to me for a longer time.I want her if she doesn't gets me I will surely die or become mad.I dont know y i love her too much but i do.I tried to make my self busy in other works but i am not able to do so.Pls guide me i am too worried and am not getting the way i cant forget her.Pls guide me i am getting mad.I dont want to leave her pls help me to get her......
convince yourself first that you can forget her, remember you'r a muslim before a lover. remember one thing only.... that if you somehow get married to her and if her daughter/ husband curses you then remember that there is no one b/w allah and the one who is being oppressed when the one who is oppressed asks Him anything !
pls comment on my this post
Shah,
I understand your feelings. Once, I heard someone say, we cannot chose our feelings, but we can chose the way we act on them. Don't forget this. You can chose how you act on your feelings.
Have you thought about leaving, moving to another place? You should separate from this woman, even if only for some time, get some distance. She won't engage with you, this is really hard for you, but you will have to accept this.
Please do not hurt yourself over this. We have to endure many trials in our life.
You can find someone to talk about it, about your feelings, maybe a therapist too, why not.
When I feel lost, I recite and meditate on the Asma al Husnaa, the names of Allah. And you will find names and virtues that can guide you. Allah is the Giver of Life, al-Muhyii, and the Living one, al-Hayy. And He is the Patient one, as-Sabbur.
Be strong and don't forget, you are not alone. Even when you feel no one knows or can understand you. I am sure you have people around you you can talk to.
Please don't hurt yourself. Never forget that you are loved.
You have a beautiful heart and soul, and you will find a way to live your life again.
I wish you all the best.
assalaam alaikum brothers and sisters,
Firstly i thank Allah (swt) for everything he gave me Alhamdulilah.
Jazakallah, you have no idea how much this blog has helped me to rethink about being patients before marriage Alhamdulilah i have got valueable suggestions from you all after reading each and every comment . and it had answered my lots to question which i had .
please keep this blog alive with your valuable questions and answers this will help many of us.
I ask Allah (swt) for his forgiveness and pray Allah (swt) for all of us to give longlasting patients (sabrr) to keep control on these desires and guide us to practice Islam as it was revealded to our prophet muhammed (saw) peace be upon him ameen.
I also pray Allah (swt) to give us the deendar spouce and make the marriage a taste of heaven in this life and here after ....Ameen