My Husband Won’t Stand up for Me
I have been married and I will complete my 2 years of marrige on 26 of march 2011.
My husband is Pathan and I'm Punjabi. I really need help it's a love marrige he found my family good so he proposed. I live with his family. In the start he was different. Now he is different due to his family, I used to wear jeans and now for him I wear my mother size clothes and never went out of abbaya. I was always with his family in their bad times but whenever I get some they wont bother.
In these 2 years sometime they send me to my home and some times my parents brought me but every time my husband comes and I and my husband try to solve and go back. To please my mother in law who never accepted me and she always says that she will bring a second wife for my husband. I have no child yet I had check ups and I'm medically fit Allah ka Shukar and it's in Allah subhan tallah's hands when he grants, but she always says that I must bring a baby boy otherwise she will not come to see the baby in hospital. Ii told her that it's in Allah's hands what he grant's and that we should only pray fora healthy and obedient child but she says she knows it's in Allah's hand but you still try.
Now if we go out they get angry . If he buys something then they get angry. My story is so long but I will tell you the main one: due to there bad behaviour I get upset and be quiet. Most of the time I misbehave with my husband and that's why he says I'm he is also not happy with me. My husband is a good person by heart but Allah knows the best. I'm confused. He took me to my mother's home and is keeping me here for 3 months, saying that he is searching for a home for me only for 1 year, and after that I have to go back to them. This 1 year might bring change in them and me but now after 3 months he's come and said that he can't arrange it and I have to go back to them and when I refused to go back to them without any proper solution and that he should protect me and stand for my rights and that I only need this, he says that he can't say anything to them because they are his family and that they have a right over us. He said that if I want to stay here alone with my family I can, or I cam go back to that hell. Otherwise, we can separate, but I will never ask my husband for a separation.
He loves me, that's what my heart says but I don't know what to do when my protector is ot protecting me or giving me my rights. I know I am also wrong, but I know one more thing than my husband and that is that his family is more than me, especially in my husband's eyes and where he puts his time and energy.
Allah will bless you all please help me as soon as you can warna bohat late ho jai ga. I will wait. Thankx.
Today he will come for the final decision please give help and dua for me.
Khuda hafiz
- NK
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Assalam-Alekum,
Sister, every marriage has ups and downs. I mean come on, have you never seen any marriage where there are no problems, at least I have not. And your problems are not that\ big that you and your husband can't overcome. Marriage takes effort and energy to figure out different problems
I mean so what your mother in law is a monster-in-law. I think if you do a survey 99% women will not have anything good to say about their mother-in-law if not bad, Although yes getting separate home will solve the problem for you. But if your husband cannot arrange it for you for now than cut him some slack. Instead of drawing lines like two enemies, that if you don't find a home or do not start standing up for me than ok we are done. You should be loving to him since he is good to you.
You are lucky that you are married to a man that loves you and you love him. Be good to him. I mean if her mother is bad to you than why are you being angry with him. Learn to compartmentalize, its not your husband who is behaving bad to you, its his mother. So don't vent your frustrations on him. Also, if you'll be loving and kind to him he'll listen you more. And once he starts listening to you then tell him that getting a separate home will solve the problems. But this will require patience and love from your side not the fights or frustrations.
And as far as baby boy is concerned, if your husband is educated, then he'll know that son/daughter is not because of you its from Allah. So, don't be afraid that if you don't have a son than what will happen, so what? I think if you have daughter/son its your husband's responsibility that he supports you, but again if you are angry with him how can you be on his good side.
In short, don't worry. Be good to your husband as he is the only one that can be on your side in that family. And to be good to him be loving and patient towards him. As far as your in-laws are concerned, don't even heed to what they say unless its something good or right according to islam.
Few thoughts. May Allah guide us all.
regards,
Assalamu'alaikum wa rahmatullah
You are probably well aware of the cultural 'norms' in your situation, it rarely differs from a lot of other sisters. It's almost as though your mother in law feels she's a good mother in law by being mean. Just as your husband thinks he's doing his best by doing everything they say despite your right to your own place. I do strongly suggest you stay married to your husband and you clear you mind of anything negative. Yes it's "hell" as you called it, but do what the Prophet (peace be upon him did); though people were bad to him he remained good to them. So much that they got tired of being mean and eventually joined his side. It takes patience A LOT of patience but you need to do this for the sake of Allah subhanhu wa tala alone. If you do anything for Allah subhanhu wa tala you will never be at a loss. By being good despite how you feel inside, by controling your emotions and showing your husband even more love (and not complaining about something he can't do anything about - ie fix his parents behaviour), it will open people's hearts. Your husband will love you more and find comfort in you, it will be more motivation to try and put you in a situation you are happy with. Do you think he dosen't know you are unhappy?? Of course he does... but apparently he cannot do anything about it right now. Support him, love grows that way. Also another way to soften people's hearts is to give gifts; it is authentic statement of the Prophet peace be upon him that giving gifts strength, or mend relations.
Lastly, I want you to remember the problem is not with your husband, Insha'Allah. He is in a tough situation, and I suggest you take the time that you've been away to gather you strength and patience and go to his home lovingly. Work on the relationship between you two, it will only help you Insha'Allah. And of course with everything you must truth to Allah subhanhu wa tala, remember Him, follow Him, and ask of Him..Insha'Allah He will make it easy for you..Ameen
Umm Abdullah
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Sister,
Sadly we've all been there. It's a sorry state of the muslim community that EVERY new wife has to go through this 'baptism of fire' almost.
But don't let his family push you out of the door. They want you to be so fed up that you'll leave. Don't let them win. Don't loose out on a good husband and a good marriage.
Ignore the things your mil says, or just act like your deaf. Try to pretend your in-laws don't exist if that helps. If she doesn't visit you in hospital, what do you lose? Nothing. If they get angry, let them get angry. Their anger will show them up to be what they really are. Let them misbehave, they are only contributing to their own bad character, eventually they'll end up pushing themselves away from your husband. No one can stand that kind of negativity for long.
Ask Allah to give you and your husband hidayaat. But please try not to put your husband in a position where he has to pick either you or them. And try not to give him a list of all the wrongs committed against you when he come home from work. Allah is keeping score of every thing, so you don't have to.
Make dua and have patience. Like others have said, please don't fight with your husband because of his family.
Salaam Sister
I've been in a similar situtaion where my in-laws where extremely horrible to me. In the end we moved out from there and Alhumadulilah till today we are very much happy.
Sister, I would suggest the same upon you and your husband. You guys need to find a place of you'lls own, then there would be no intereference from in-laws. If he is unable to find your'll a place then live with your family if they would agree to accomodate you both until your'll find a place of you'lls own. Speak to him about this when it's a good time. Point out everything that they are doing to you. You can't stay in a place where you unhappy. This would just have a tremendous effect on your marriage. This is the reason why you are fighting with him so often.
Things would just get worse over time. Your mil is controlling ( gets upset when he buys stuff). She maybe has not come to terms with the fact that her son is married . It seems that your mil wants to get rid of you and she would not stop until you out. Do not leave alone. Take your husband with you.
All the best
Rumaysa