Should my husband leave me and go back to his non Muslim wife just for the sake of his kid?
Assalamu Alaikum,
I was married almost seven months ago. My husband told me that his ex is waiting for a baby and that he needs time before he tells her that he is married. She gave birth six months ago and they had an amazing baby girl. I asked him if he is going to tell her as we agreed on but he said that he still needs more time like three or four months because he wants to move to where they live and be close to his daughter before telling the mom.
He feels so guilty for leaving them and the idea that his daughter is gonna grow up without her father next to her tears his heart. He is lost now and he is not sure whether he wants to go back to his ex just for the sake of the kid or stay with me and take care of his daughter as she lives with her mom.
He left his ex because he couldn't go on living with a non Muslim woman. He went through difficult times and suffered from depression for a long time. Things changed with the coming of the baby. His suffering exists no more and he is so happy being a dad. He spends four to five days with them each months.
I am not sure if his happiness is temporary and once he gets used to having a baby and being a dad, bad feelings would go back to him. I don't also know if he is mistaken about going back to his ex only because of the child. I think that his happiness about having a baby made him think that he can go back to his ex without any problems.
He assures me that being with me as a Muslim wife is better than going back to her specially that he wants to raise his daughter Muslim and he wants her to learn Arabic and to have a Muslim family.
Please share me any similar experiences about Arabs who marry non Muslims. I would love to hear your opinions regarding him going back just for the sake of the kid. Do you think it is the right thing to be done in his case?
Many thanks
~Monella
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Dear Monella, Walaykumsalaam,
I am sorry for the situation you are in. I can understand that you must be feeling quite insecure.
It is quite natural for your husband to feel attached to his baby and as you know he has every right to see and play an active role in his baby's life. But for him to be meeting his ex-wife and child alone under the circumstances is not right, nor is it fair on you - it can lead to fitnah. You asked, 'Should your husband leave you in order to be with his child'. I don't think this case should arise at all. Your husband made a choice to leave his wife, he says 'for the sake of his deen'. Of course he will find struggles along the way. Now he has taken you under his wing as his wife, I do not believe it is right for him to leave you, instead he needs to find the courage to encompass all his responsibilities before him and find a way to deal with them altogether. And insha'Allah with your support, he will be able to do that successfully.
Have you suggested that you accompany him on his visits to see his daughter? If not, you should try this and he should be receptive. Tell him that you will always encourage him to play an active role in the raising of his daughter and that since this is such a big part of his life, you want to be a part of it. You can be there for his daughter, not to take over as role of mother as she already has a mother, but you can be a 'like a mother' and at the same time be the positive Muslim role model in her life that she needs. When your husband's daughter is a little older, he and his ex-wife can arrange shared custody. This way he continues to play a positive role in her life - of course it would have its downsides too, but many people get through it with the help of Allah.
The alternative is this, that if his ex-wife fulfils the conditions of being a 'woman of the book', (I will not go into the conditions, because they are more complex than just saying she must be 'Christian or Jewish'), or if she sincerely accepts Islam and he does marry her, will you be happy to be in a polygamous marriage? And will your husband be happy to keep you both as wives? Will he be able and willing to give you both your rights?
In any case, I do not believe it is just or fair for him to leave you, as there is a way for him to remain your husband and also be positively active in his daughter's life at the same time. Insha'Allah he will not allow his emotions to get the better of him and will take the best option.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
salam sis,
I don't know why u sound like u already gave up n like he can leave any min n u won't do nthg about it...u are his wife in Islam n him having a kid somewhere else doesn't mean he can simply leave u ...n wht do u mean get back to her?was she a wife or just a gf? i mean u know that he can be with u ..his wife ...n at the same time look after his kids from a previous marriage or relationship n u should support his in that...koz it's not fair on them kid or kids....but why leave u? yes i know about ppl getting back with an ex just for the sake of the kids...bt a lot of pressure n stress alwys gets worse n they both caught up in an unhealthy relationship where the kids themselves are not happy...i mean maybe if she was muslim he would be able to have 2 wives n look n provide for everybody....anyways all m gonna say is if u love him n he loves u n respects u enough he won't leave u or divorce u with the kid being his excuse ...he can be married to u n still look after his baby.gd luck .
@Monella,
First of all, I am not really able to figure out if your husband was married to this non-Muslim woman or was it a pre-marital relationship?
Also, please help me understand this. Are you suggesting that you married a man, after fully knowing well about his past rather ongoing emotional worst physical association with a woman he claimed to have loved and abandoned and who was about to mother his child?
You said, you married seven months ago, and the child was born six months ago, which clearly means, your husband's non-muslim partner was already pregnant and about to deliver when your husband and you first got in contact. Honestly, I am curious to understand, what were you thinking, when you decided to take up such a person for your husband! (He's clearly violated the fundamentals of Islam! I do not see him as a devout muslim, I am sorry!)
Also, do you realise, the non-muslim woman (who you have tagged as his "EX") is already a mother of your "husband's" child and your husband's already acknowledged their presence in his life, is concerned for them and worried for them, whereas, he's still asking for time to acknowledge your presence in his life!
I may sound a little harsh, but let's face it, to me your husband, his non-muslim partner and their child, sound more like a complete family, and you like an outsider. Have you known your husband's family and is your relationship socially acknowledged? Are you sure your husband's married you with the right intentions? Are you sure your husband's not taken you as a wife, only to maintain his good and devout "Muslim" identity?
Let's not get very emotional about the situation here and simply hope for things to work out for good. Be rational and look at things objectively. I do not believe in giving you false hopes, I would rather encourage you to question everything around you. Easier said than done, but do you think, you can be in a relationship, where you're always battling the insecurity of whether your husband will continue being with you or abandon you for his partner and his child.
Sincere affection and respect, after all, is something we can earn but not demand!
Think with a clear mind. Speak to everyone involved. Express your thoughts very clearly. HOpe God will give you the strength to do what is right, even if it means leaving the person you have been with!
Dear sisters,
Tourbillon,You are not being harsh and I am aware of all the things you have mentioned.
He has known her since 2003. they got married and he stayed with her for 4 years then in 2009 he moved to another city and decided to leave her because he wanted to have a Muslim family but he didn't divorce her. She knew that things were not going on very well between them and she was aware that they should leave each other but they both couldn't.
He didn't stop seeing her after he moved because she was the only one he had and because she wanted him badly but at the same time he kept looking for a Muslim wife.
he went to her two days before going back home and meeting me. that is when pregnancy happened. He didn't know he was going to meet me and have a Muslim wife after three years of looking for a Muslim girl.
we got engaged and we both traveled but to different countries because of work and study. A month after our engagement, he told me that he was married and that he is over this and that his ex won't affect our relationship for the future. It was a shock to me but then I respected his big desire of having a Muslim family therefore I decided to stay with him. He came to me and we for asked our family's permission to have our Islamic contract without them cuz the situation in our country was really bad.
a month after this she called him to tell him that she was pregnant. He was shocked to hear that. He was so happy with me and he had great ambitions of starting his new life with a Muslim wife.
He told me about this and I immediately decided to leave him.
We talked and talked and he assured me that he is gonna go on with me and take care of the baby.
four months later, i came to him and we had our civil marriage.
Things started to change after the coming of the baby. He is always worried and guilt kills him because he is gonna leave the mom and the baby girl. Before we got married we both agreed that he needs six months before telling her that he is married. The six months passed and he is asking for more three months or so in order to move to where she lives to be close to his daughter. We always discuss all the possibilities that we have, whether to stay with me or go back to her and he always assures me that he wants to stay with me but his actions show that he is still hesitated about leaving her or even telling her because he doesn't want to lose his kid and because he feels sorry for the mom who has always supported him and never hurt him.
I don't want to be in a polygamous marriage but i am ready to take care of the kid and give her the Muslim model she needs in her life and to teach her Arabic and Islam just like her siblings in case we have any.
Do you think his return to his ex is better for all of us( me, the kid and his ex) though going back would be only for the sake of the kid?
thank you Maya, sisterZ and Tourbillon
Dear Monella,
I am glad, you've taken my concern in the right spirit. I am sure God will see you through this.
Coming back to your reply,
...You feel, it's only you who's aware of the existence of the other woman in your husband's life, whereas the previous partner is not aware of your existence in both of your's husband's life! But honestly, have you ever wondered if this is true?!?! What if (like you) your husband's made his previous partner believe, that he was compelled by his family into marrying a Muslim girl back home and he had to, but he's genuinely not into this and is only carrying this for the sake of his family or out of guilt?!?! What if the non-muslim partner of your husband (like you) is "tolerating" this situation out of sympathy for an innocent girl (like you're!) and her "poor-victim-of-circumstances" husband? Is your husband's family aware of his previous marriage?!?!
In fact, why don't you ask your husband to let you speak to his non-Muslim partner? Tackle it smartly, tell him, that you are anyway aware of the situation, and you as a woman are in a better position to speak to the other woman in your husband's life? Tell him to let you at least attempt to encourage the woman towards Islam! Just let's see how he reacts to your suggestion. If your husband's been "brave" enough to reveal his past to you and is even "brave" enough to carry it forward even after marrying you, then let him also be brave enough to break the news to the other woman as well.
First of all, your husband never thought of ISLAM when he loved, married and impregnated a non-muslim woman over YEARS, but now he's suddenly very concerned and is very keen to have a "Muslim" family but even then he can't stop violating ISLAM, by carrying forward a relationship which is "haraam" because he feels guilty! (Didn't he think of his urge to have a "Muslim" family, of living life the ISLAMIC way, when he went and slept with a non - muslim woman, who he says, he was more than willing to leave and all of it just 2 days before he had to leave for his country? Doesn't that sound very irresponsible or carnal?!) Your husband's belief is ISLAM, it seems is about his needs and convenience.
And even if we believe, that the man's really looking forward to sincerely follow ISLAM, then why has he never bothered to encrouage his wife into embracing ISLAM? Don't you think, in that case, everything could have been perfect? That no body would have suffered (not the wife, not the child, not you) and even his "dream" of having a Muslim family would have been realised?
Honestly, if you look at things objectively, then you will realise, at every given point your husband had a every opportunity to make things fair and just! Also, if we do the maths right, then in no possible way can we accept that your husband was not aware of his wife's pregnancy when he first met you!
Yes, you certainly do not have to endure polygamy. Makes me wonder, why did you choose to be with this man of all! Please do not go by words, I am sure I do not need to tell you, actions speaks louder than words! Often we women are so much in love with our partners that we readily justify even the most irrational lies they tell us. Please don't do this to yourself. Why are you being in such an unhealthy situation? Like I always say, it's not going to be easy for you, but honestly, it's worth crying a couple of years of your life, than crying your entire life.
Your husband said, he wants a "Muslim" family and hence he wants to marry a Muslim girl, but honestly has he managed to change anything around him even after marrying a Muslim girl. In fact, he's shedding more tears now and has put more lives on tenterhooks! IMO, this is not right, this is weak and this is selfish. The man's eating his cake and keeping it too!!!
I just hope, my reply gives you strength and helps you look at think a little rationally. If I were in your situation, I believe I would have myself failed to notice these very things, I am telling you right now! I hope you realise, I am looking at the entire situation very rationally, I am not emotionally involved and hence I am able to differentiate black from both white and grey. I just pray, you're able to find a solution out of this and are able to get on with life the way you truly deserve. Please be brave and strong. God's with you.
Regards,
Tourbillon
Dear Monella,
I am a non muslim wife and my husband left me and I was devestated because the only reason he gave was that he could not do the relationship.
A few months later i saw him with a muslim women and what made it worse was he had to keep returning for nearly 2 years for reasons i do not wish to disclose (glad there was no child involved) and not once did he ever tell me why he had left.
To cut a long story short this woman become his wife and they went on to have a child it was absolutely heart wrenching knowing "my so-called husband" who had not even bothered to divorce me was getting on with his life while my world had been turned upside down... not once did i blame the other woman (his new wife) because i felt she was the innocent party.
I eventually moved and altho we still had telephone contact i would not tell him where i had moved to until it became very apparent that for the first time in 3 years i knew he was going to talk and i was going to get some long awaited answers but i wasn't expecting the bombshell he dropped and i am sure his wife won't know what he is planning.
All i will say is wake up and smell the coffee babe if a man can do that to a wife and child he can do it to any wife whether she is muslim or not. our stories are so similar it is unreal. Tourbillon post april 19th is 1 wise person 🙂