Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Is wanting more sex a valid reason for taking a second wife?

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Salaam Alaikum,

A brother - friend asked me this question and I don't have the answers:

He is married and wants to take another wife, he prefers the second to be previously married with kids so that the marriage will have purpose i.e. to look after a sister that needs a husband. However, he says the main motivation he has is that he wants to have another wife to fulfill his high desire for sex and he has need for variety.

Quest: Is this intention ok?

 


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10 Responses »

  1. Salaams,

    If this brother wanted to take another wife who had children strictly for the purpose of caring for a family in need as an act of charity, I find it hard to believe anyone would fault him for his intention. Even if his wife felt uncomfortable about it, I think she would need to really examine herself and what she values more: being able to have full "possession" of her spouse (which is an illusion in itself, since one human can never really possess another), or having a husband with such pious character.

    ...but you didn't stop there. You said this brother also wants a wife to fulfill his desires and taste for variety. I think this is a deception this man is selling himself, because the nafs wants us to believe that if we only have "a little more", our cravings will be satisfied. The truth is, lustful desire for a variety of women is rarely satisfied, and most men who have two wives for this reason also want a third and/or fourth. Even when they max out at four, they tire of seeing the same four ladies and decide to divorce them and replace them with a new selection. Sometimes they even allow themselves to take their passion into sin outside of the marriage. The bottom line is, if you have a lusty nafs, feeding it is not the answer.

    If this brother goes through with finding another wife, he will find after some time that he is bored with her and his mind and desires will start looking for other opportunities again. It is a never-ending cycle unless someone is working very hard to bring it under control. The Prophet (saws) advised men who were filled with lust to go home and release that energy with their wives, and I believe this brother should do the same.

    -Amy
    IslamicAnswers.com Editor

  2. Asalaam alaikum,

    Though Sister Amy makes a good point, the danger right now is that since he has this desire and may not know how to fill it without another wife, that if he doesn't take a second wife, he is liable to pursue a forbidden affair. If the choice were to ultimately come down to zina or another wife, then with the idea of supporting her justly and the first wife in kind, then this would be the better cause of action.

    However, if you are a good friend as it seems you are, ask him about his sexual needs and if perhaps, he may just need to express to his wife that he needs more variety in the bedroom and to increase their frequency. What we may not know is perhaps his wife has lost the passion or perhaps, she isn't as ready he needs her to be. She may need to see a doctor is she is feeling impotent and had experienced a failing sexual desire. More information can be found in the link below, wherein causes and remedies are addressed. However it's important to note that stress problems may be a factor in his wife's lack of desire, as well.

    http://www.womens-health.co.uk/viagra.html

    What needs to also be mentioned is that many men get caught up in is the orgasm count game, i.e. the more the better, when this is a misconception when trying to find ultimate sexual gratification. The orgasms with greatest intensities come from prolonged periods of coupling, which hadith tells us is something that the Holy Prophet Muhammad (saw) also practiced with Lady Khadijah (ra). Here is the reference to that:

    Excerpt from "The Cradle of Erotica"
    (by Allen Edwardes and Robert E. L. Masters)

    The celebrated Arabian traditionist Jabir bin 'Abdallah, a disciple of Muhammed, sets forth the following tradition:

    When the Most Manifest Book El-Quran was being revealed to our Apostle by the archangel Gabriel, Muhammed abstained, during sexual commerce with his wife, from the spermatic ejaculation into the genital organs of Lady Khadijeh.

    Muhammed, rather than practicing coitus interruptus ('azil or "withdrawal"), never ejaculated at all (coitus reservatus, imsak or "withholding"), but purposed in saving his semen to preserve his vital strength and have it flow into his bloodstream for aiding and invigorating mental power. Jabir adds that the Prophet practiced "keeping it in" or "holding back the sperm" for several hours. Feeling refreshed, he would then retire to his mountain retreat for inspiration.

    So your friend may need to make use of this method of coupling, but delaying his orgasm. For instance, on Saturday night, he could couple with his wife and not orgasm, but have her orgasm. Then the next morning, engage in intercourse with her and orgasm then, which at that time, during the course of love meaning he would in time, last longer and experience a more forceful orgasm. This technique could also be carried out over several days wherein the couple has passionate intercourse, but over time, he gains control to orgasm even two days later.

    The pent up energy release he would experience would be something completely different from what he is used to and would make him run back to his wife in eager anticipation. Because the time spent bonding with her would increase their emotional and physical dependence with each other, he would see himself as the "Man" in charge of her orgasms while holding onto his. She would naturally feel the same in reverse as the "Woman" who has her man by the *****, so to speak. This sexual play would be incredibly fun for them both and Alhamdulillah, would be in line with Prophetic Sunnah.

    How does he do this exactly? There's a technique referred to as Karezza. Here is a link:

    http://www.reuniting.info/wisdom/what_is_karezza

    Also, have him encourage his wife to be sexually adventurous in bed, whether it's introducing lingerie or various outfits, role playing and sexual positions. With gentle words, kisses and seduction, he may find that his wife is eager to have a bit of sexual fun, too. No doubt, she may already be worried about her sexual performance and will probably welcome his suggestions.

    Having said all this, it is possible that his wife has encouraged him to seek a second wife. If this is the case, still make these suggestions, first. If he persists though, help him find the second wife as it would be better than leading him to have an illicit affair.

    • "Also, have him encourage his wife to be sexually adventurous in bed, whether it's introducing lingerie or various outfits, role playing and sexual positions. With gentle words, kisses and seduction, he may find that his wife is eager to have a bit of sexual fun, too. No doubt, she may already be worried about her sexual performance and will probably welcome his suggestions."
      that is a man's disgusting fantasy

      • Miah,

        I didn't find anything wrong with what Prof X said. You sound as though you are very young and perhaps there are some topics that you do not know alot about. A little tip: think before you type.

        SisterZ
        IslamicAnswers.com Editor

      • Sexual variations whether it be through different positions, role playing or introducing various types of clothing is quite common across many ranges of people from all sorts of demographics. It is neither disgusting or wrong as long as it is kept within mutual limits and pleases both partners without violating or hurting each other.

        Considering the person in question who wants variety, this is more than a suitable suggestion for him and his wife. Perhaps he is a bit sexually frustrated with what has become regular 'vanilla' sex between him and his wife. If that is the case, then there should be no harm in seeking alternative and new means of sexual arousal with his wife. In fact, many women also enjoy this type of sexual play where their inhibitions are lowered with a loving and nurturing husband. What takes place between a husband and wife should not be taboo for the sake of embarrassment of societal acceptance within the bounds of Islamic sharia.

        Lingerie for example, is both a visual and touch sensitive avenue for a man to be aroused. For a woman it makes her feel more feminine and more sexually appealing giving her self confidence in front of her husband. Individuals will have their own particular tastes in fabrics and styles, but the end result is leading the couple towards intimate love making. These tactics are merely another road to their fun coupling and experiencing enjoyable orgasms.

        Sexual fantasies are common among everyone and it should be acknowledged that many people will not always concur at what is appealing. However, we should take notice that there may be a desire completely harmless that when shared with a spouse, will make their love making more comforting, exciting and blissful.

        The sexual life between a husband and wife is of vital importance in every marriage. Though it will not be the cure for larger ills, it can be a cause of hurt and neglect. Yet, being honest with a spouse and thus, sexually pleasing to that spouse will go a long way in forming an emotional, intellectual and physical bond that will solidify beyond the bedroom.

        I believe this to be appropriate advice for this man who may need more sexual encounters with his wife and more variety from what he is now experiencing. And from many studies on sexual behavior which concur, his wife may be wanting to share the same with him.

      • @miah

        By the way, that is not the most sexually explicit advice I have given on this website. You might want to avoid reading my posts regarding these issues in the future. I feel that since love making and sexual advice is often not discussed with compassion in an age wherein Muslims are suffering problems in the bedroom and in their marriage, through this anonymous avenue, I will do the best I can to adhere to Islamic Shariah when doing so, but be honest and forthright about it, as well.

        If this advice were to cause the gentleman in question to reinvigorate passionate love making with his wife and cause him not to seek a second, then Alhamdulillah. If he finds no other avenue other than a second wife to keep him away from haraam, then may Allah (swt) guide him and his first wife carefully.

        Over time, while his wife's libido may have waned, his is either at the same level or has increased. The idea that falling testosterone levels as he gets older, lowers a man's desire for sexual copulation is often refuted by men who well into their 30s and beyond state a greater need for intimate love making. What happens is now that they have matured, they want both sexual and emotional connections that they may have taken for granted before.

        In light of this and in general, a wife should understand that her husband will always feel an insatiable desire to make love to her, though it can be argued as to how well this plays out on an individual basis. The husband in turn, needs to understand that his wife all the more needs seduction and adequate foreplay. And through this they can experience a wonderful bounty of love.

  3. I think the brother is using the reason to justify the reason why he is taking a second wife. We tend to say things just to justify our actions but really deep down we do it because it pleases us his self deluded
    he may be influenced by the western media which encourages men to sleep with numerous partners to prove their masculinity.

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