IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

November 2, 2006

This question is answered by Sr. Samayya Cabre from Sweden, with an added note by Wael Abdelgawad, the AskBilqis.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.

QUESTION:

Dear Bilqis,

I am a 17 year old Muslima. I always try to follow the religion of Islam. It is the month of Ramadan right now, and lately I just feel like I really really want to get married. I feel like I'm getting tortured or something because I am not married yet.

I do know I am young, but there have been times where I have had dreams or visions where they kind of gave me good tidings. Those cheer me up a bit, but I dont know what to do.

I definitely dont want a boyfriend or any haram relationship but I'm so confused I dont know what to do. Can you help me?

- Qudsia from USA

SAMAYYA ANSWERS:

Dear Qudsia my sister in Islam, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

I can not answer your question from a scholarly viewpoing or from a successful wife's point of view (as I am divorced), but I can speak to you as if I were speaking to myself when I was seventeen as indeed I wish someone had spoken to me.

Allah is the one who will help you and guide you but InshaAllah He will give me the words to offer you good advice on this very serious topic.

You are at an age where you are feeling the need to move to that next level. The level where you in some way move away from your own family and begin your own life. And marriage is a very important part of Islam. It is in fact said to be half of one's deen. If you stop to think about that you will realize just how important it is.

Clear Understanding of Rights and Obligations

Once you are married you must give your husband priority after ALLAH. When two people join together their lives should merge together. It takes some time to get used to this transition and takes work and effort but I believe if both husband and wife have a clear understanding of their rights and obligations, and use Islam as their guide of how to treat each other then they can be a key to each others' Paradise.

So with this in mind, I would urge you to make Salat al-Istikhara and ask Allah to guide you to a man who will be this type of husband for you; and then leave it to ALLAH.

Do Not Push

With Sakeenah (the tranquility that comes from trusting Allah) you will be guided to make the right decision for your soul and not act out of impulse which would be only to please the ego or nafs. Do not push anything yourself, let it all come from Allah. All things that come from Allah swt have a way of being right for us and though there may be some tests of faith involved, they are always best for us; while things we push are too complicated and miss the ease of Allahs will.

If a man comes along that who you believe Allah has sent you, make sure he has his priorities straight and that he will not just be demanding his rights on you without knowing his own obligations to you ; and make sure he is not someone who will put hardship on you.

Study Qur'an, Sunnah, Seerah

At the same time study up from the Qur'an and Hadith and the stories of the wives of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) for knowledge on how to be the kind of wife who will be a key to Paradise for your future husband. That way, when Allah does put the right man in your path you will know how to be.

And of course we learn as we grow and grow as we learn and you will become better and better until the day you meet your Lord InshaAllah.

So be patient and ask for Allah's Guidance

With sisterly love,

- Samayya Cabre
Added Note from Wael Abdelgawad:

Thanks to Sr. Samayya for her insightful reminder that we must turn to Allah for guidance in all matters. I read her response several times because I believe what she says is very valuable; and I hope that you, Sr. Qudsia, will do the same.

I want to add some further advice from a more materialistic viewpoint.

In the old days the husband was the family provider and the wife's job was to raise the children and care for the home. Nowadays, especially in the West, the husband's income alone is often not enough. It is very common for both the husband and wife to work and bring in income for the family.

Secondly, divorce is much more common these days than it used to be, and families are much more fragmented. A divorced woman, instead of having an extended family to fall back on, often finds herself on her own, struggling to support herself without the benefit of a man's income.

My point is that a woman in today's world needs an education and skills. If her marriage is healthy, she may still have to work to supplement the husband's income. If her marriage ends in divorce, she needs resources to fall back on so she can support herself.

You're at an age when you are ready to leave the family and be on your own, even if only as a student. It's natural to want someone to be with, someone to care for you and to be close to. But I recommend that you try to be patient and wait at least until you finish your university studies before you consider marriage.

There's one more good reason to wait a few more years. Waiting a little longer will give you time to grow and mature on your own, and to discover what kind of person you are and what is important to you in life, so that when you do begin your search for a partner, you'll have a better idea whether or not you are compatible. As Samayya said, "We learn as we grow and grow as we learn."

If any readers have advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below.

Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.

Best regards,

- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
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