IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

Dear Jana, As-salamu alaykum wa Rahmatullah,

It's good that you have been active in learning about your religion since your conversion to Islam. I know that you would not have become Muslim if you did not have a desire to worship Allah and follow the path of guidance.

In your email, you refer to this man as your "partner," and you say that you have "been together for 3 years." It's not clear to me what that means. Are you living together? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Lovers? Since you have been with this man since before you converted to Islam, I wonder if perhaps you were his girlfriend and have continued to carry on that relationship even though you are now Muslim.

Before I address that issue, I want to talk a little about what it means to be Muslim.

Placing Allah's Guidance Over Our Desires

You may have learned that the word "Islam" comes from the Arabic room s-l-m, a root from which many words are derived, including the words for peace and submission.

This reflects the fact that submission to Allah is the essense of Islam. It requires us to follow the path and the guidance that Allah has laid down for us, rather than our own inclinations and desires. When we say the shahada - the testimony of faith - we are testifying that we will put Allah's commands, and the example of the Prophet Muhammad (SAW), ahead of our own likes and dislikes, ahead of our own desires, ahead of our own yearnings and cravings. We will put Allah first. That is the deen that we have chosen.

Allah says in the Qur'an,

"And who is more misguided then one who follows his desires without guidance from Allah?"[28:50]

"And do not follow desires such that you are misguided from the Way of Allah"[38:26]

And it is reported (ruwiya) from the Prophet (SAW) that he said,

"By the One in Whose Hand is my soul, none of you can have faith until his very desires comply with what I have brought." {1}

There are many such verses in the Qur'an, and many such Hadith, clarifying this point that the servant of Allah is obligated to follow what Allah and His Messenger have brought, even when his own desires pull him in a different direction. If we were to follow our own desires, ignoring Allah's guidance, we would be ruined as individuals and as an Ummah.

Prohibition of Zinaa and all that Leads to it

I am sure you know that Allah has strongly prohibited and condemned the act of zinaa (fornication, or sexual relations with someone to whom you are not married). Zinaa is destructive to one's own soul and to the society.

I am not saying or implying that you are committing zinaa. Rather I am leading to a discussion of the proper relationship between men and women in Islam.

In the Qur'an, Allah not only prohibits zinaa, but admonishes us not even to come close to it:

"Do not come near to any shameful indecency, whether open or secret" (6:151)

In the same vein, the Prophet Muhammad was very clear in prohibiting anything that could lead to zinaa, by prohibiting all inappropriate contact between an unmarried man and woman.

So for example, the Prophet pbuh said,

"Never is a man alone with a woman except that Satan is the third party with them." (Al-Tirmidhi 3118, Narrated by Umar ibn al-Khattab)

The Prophet (SAW) also said:

"It is better for one of you to be pierced by a steel pin in his head than to touch the hand of a strange woman."

And the Qur'an says to the women,

"Be not too complaisant of speech, lest one in whose heart is a disease should be moved with desire: but speak with a speech (that is) proper." [Surah al-Ahzab: 32]

On the subject of how men and women should behave with one another, Allah the Most High says:

"Say to the believing men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty: that will make for greater purity for them." and says: "And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty.".  [Surah al-Nur: 30-31]

So unmarried men and women should not be alone together, should not touch one another, and should not even speak to one another in soft or "loving" tones. Rather, they should exercise modesty at all times, should associate only in public, and should discuss only subjects with are proper or "ma'roof."

Only Marriage

All of this leaves us with an inescapable conclusion: the only legitimate close relationship between a Muslim man and woman (who are not mahrem - i.e. brother and sister, mother and son, etc) is marriage.

Men and women can certainly speak to each other and interact for the purposes of work, marketplace transactions, the exchange of knowledge, etc, but it must be in public and completely above-board. There cannot be any close, intimate relationship between them, except in the form of marriage.

There are no exceptions to this rule.

You and this man have two choices. Either get married, or end your relationship and part ways.

You have given a lot of reasons why you and he cannot get married. You are too old, you are divorced, his family would not approve, he would be disowned. Are these excuses coming from you or from him? This man has carried on a relationship with you for three years and has not even told his family about you. What would it have hurt him to say to his family, "I met a good woman and I want to marry her"? Perhaps it is true that his family would not accept it and would disown him if he persisted; but he has not even tried.

At the end of your email you wrote, "We are both prepared to do whatever it takes to make our relationship continue, should marriage be unavoidable for him."

What does this mean? That even if he married someone else, you would carry on a relationship in secret? Or do you imagine that his wife would allow him to carry on an open relationship with you, even one of close friendship?

You need to stop fooling yourself. If this man marries someone else then I guarantee you that your relationship with him will come to an end, either instantly or gradually. No woman would allow her husband to carry on with a previous girlfriend in any capacity.

I am sorry that you have invested three years of your life with someone who is not willing to step up and take a stand. His relationship with you has not been guided by Islamic principles.

But now you are Muslim too. You are not responsible for his behavior or his soul, only for yours. You must assume control of your own future as a Muslim woman, according to Allah's guidance.

You are a human being with free will. You can make your own choices. If you are willing to marry this man, and he is willing as well, then I suggest you get married.

If he is not willing to marry you, then it's time that you end your relationship with him and move on with your life.

I wish you the best and may Allah guide you and bless you in all your actions.