My Children´s Father was Murdered
November 10, 2006
This question is answered by Wael Abdelgawad, the IslamicAnswers.com and Zawaj.com Editor and Administrator.
QUESTION:
Dear Wael,
How do I help my children cope with the fact their father was murdered? Their ages are 7, 4, and 2.
- Shanta from USA
WAEL ANSWERS:
Dear Shanta, As-Salamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullah,
Every now and then I get a question that leaves me at a loss for words, and yours is one of those. I have lost friends to death, and my father came very close to dying recently. But I have not experienced anything as difficult and traumatizing as what you are describing; so it's difficult for me to know how to answer.
Before I give my answer, let me tell you that I did some research and I found an organization called National Organization of Parents of Murdered Children, Inc. They are based in Cincinnati, Ohio (USA) and their web address is http://www.pomc.com/
It looks like there is some good information on their website, and they have a discussion forum where you can communicate with other people who have experienced what you have.
Although I don't have any direct experience with the murder of a family member, I can share some general thoughts based on the Islamic perspective:
1. We should never blame or accuse Allah. One of the pillars of our imaan (faith) is to accept our Qadr, whether good or bad. We must recognize that Allah wants only good for us, but that things happen that are beyond our understanding. Therefore we must not express bitterness or anger toward Allah as many of the disbelievers do in these situations.
I will quote for you the famous and touching words of the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) (as narrated in the Seerah:) as his young son, Ibrahim, died in his lap. He kissed his son's face, and said,
"Dear Ibrahim! We cannot do anything for you. Divine Will cannot be changed. Your father's eyes shed tears, and his heart is sad and grieved for your death. However, I will not say anything which may invite the wrath of Allah. If there had not been the true and certain promise of Allah that we too shall come after you, I would have wept more and become more grieved at the separation from you."
2. Don't be afraid to talk about your children's father with them or to remember him. I believe that avoiding the subject in these situations is a mistake. It's best to be open, as this will help the healing process. Talk about his good qualities, and whatever good times you had.
3. Let your children know that everyone dies in their destined time but that their father's spirit is still living and Allah will take care of him.
4. In an authentic hadith, we are told that on the Day of Judgement, a person will be resurrected in the company of those whom he loves. Love is a very powerful force that transcends even the boundaries of this life.
5. Everyone grieves in a different way and from what I understand the grieving child might display anger, resentment, or become withdrawn. I strongly suggest that you take the children to a family or grief counselor who can help them work through these emotions.
If any readers have some advice for this young woman, feel free to post your comments below by clicking on the "comments" link.
Glory to You Allah, we praise You, we bear witness that there is no God except You, we ask Your forgivess and we repent to You.
Best regards,
- Wael Hesham Abdelgawad, Administrator
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As Salaamu Alaikum I just wanted to take the time out to pay my respect to Wael. I feel an excellent job was done answering this question. No cliche remarks were made, advice was offered, even Religios withOUT being "scolding" or "preachy". I like the way other sites and references were made. As a grieving Parent and grieving a sister who was murdered I thank you. Wasalaam and Sincerely Holly
gtwl.wordpress.com
As-Salaamu Alaikum
I wanted to take a moment of my time and express my sincere gratitude and peace when I read this answer Warl gave to this grieving mother.
I feel the question was answered in a way that reflects compassion, hope, common sense and empathy.
Not too many people would have taken the time to leave her such a reply. I love the way I don't know how he stated he could not understand the pain. THAT was noble, humbling and more than a good answer.
The links to other help and references, the reference to hadith, Islam, wothout overdoing it or sounding "preachy" or "naggy".
In my opinion, and BOY do i really have a say, this was an EXCELLENT answer.
As a grieving mother to a child who passed away in a house fire and as a grieving sister who was murdered you have my attention, and Kudos.
I will continue to Not only read this site but also my studies in Islam, thank you for this reply to this poor grieving wife~WaSalaam Holly
http://gtwl.wordpress.com