Deceived and cheated by my wife’s parents into marrying their daughter with psychological disorder
Question:
Assalamualaikum,
Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Mir, a 34 year old Muslim brother from Northern part of India. From last many months now, I am going through terrible mental agony due to the situation that I am in. I sincerely hope that my queries and dilemmas are addressed, because it is really needed.
Mine was an arranged marriage. My parents got to know about the lady I married through a marriage bureau and my parents liked the family as well as the lady who I later got married to. Prior to my engagement and marriage, I was also given couple of opportunities to interact with the lady and we met three or four times to talk and know about each other like any other people who would want to know a little bit more to make a decision at a personal level . In the meantime, my parents and I did the background check about the lady and everything appeared to be alright. Finally we got married.
Just after first few weeks of marriage as we started to get into routine certain incidents related to my wife (in fact ex-wife we are divorced now) took place that were beyond my comprehension to the point I started realizing that something is not right. Initially, I ignored them thinking that it may be to do with new environment or the fact that we hardly knew each other then. However, when similar incidents happened repeatedly, I discussed it with her and tried my best to understand the situation. Finally, after a period of 16 months of my marriage, I was drained to the point that I consulted a counselor and narrated the entire story. What came out was shocking for me "“ the lady that I had married had a long history of psychological illness and this was the reason why our married life was the way it was. I discovered that she is suffering from an illness called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), since her teens. I was shocked and I could not believe myself and finally took the matter up with my parents and in-laws. Here I would like to mention that I and my ex-wife lived in a different city where I work , while my parents and in-laws live in another city.
Even after having discussed the issue with a psychiatrist and consulting at least three other experts, I was not convinced, because I though why would her parents hide this information from me when they very well know that it may not remain hidden for long and could lead to detrimental consequences for the lives involved. With this in mind when I spoke to a close relative of my ex-wife, I was told that ashe has an element of insanity from teenage'. We then called for a meeting including elders from both the families to know the reality. However, in the meeting the relative of my ex-wife who had said about the aelement of insanity' clearly refused having said it. In fact no one from her family accepted it and I kept begging that please tell the truth so that appropriate course of action is taken. While nothing came out of the meetings and discussions we had with her family, I was also told by one of our neighbor's (who was her close friend) that she has suicidal tendencies and had expressed it several times. The neighbor did not bring it my notice earlier because she did not want to interfere in our personal lives and did not take it so seriously.
After rethinking about the whole situation and how miserable our married life had become, introspection and discussions with experts, my family members and some respected members of the society; above all the lack of cooperation by my in-laws and their non-willingness to accept the truth about illness; the threat if anything such as suicide is attempted by my ex-wife, I would be blamed for it; uncertainty from every end and also lack of proper cure for the illness; and long term consequences it may entail - I finally decided to divorce her. Also my in-laws and my ex-wife were not even willing to visit a psychiatrist for the fear that the truth they have been hiding from us would come out. I did not see a reason why I should live a life of misery when I was the one who was made a scapegoat.
I feel I was clearly cheated/ deceived and my life was played with and they got their daughter married at the cost of my life. Had I been given true information about her psychological condition, I would not have married her in the first place. But this was not told to me intentionally for the very fact that she would otherwise not get married.
After the divorce, now my in-laws are demanding compensation. . I am being harassed and my ex-wife has become extremely abusive to the point that she goes to my father's office all alone, comes to our house, goes to my relatives, to every friend I have and she knows about, and starts abusing them and this is without the knowledge of her parents.
Finally, an arbitration to resolve the issue of compensation and division of property that we had acquired out of wedding such as wedding gifts etc was appointed. The arbitration include two elderly people known to them, who are of the opinion that all the gifts in terms of gold ornaments etc (substantial worth) given to my ex-wife by my parents should be retained by her. All the gifts taken from my ex-wife by me and my family at the time of wedding should be returned back to my ex-wife and her family. I should pay compensation that would also include the necessary sustenance for the period of ida.
I would also like to say that near Allah, I refused all the gifts and did not accept anything from the in-laws or their relatives and had a very simple marriage fearing Allah and thinking that my marriage should not be a burden for the in-laws as is so commonly found in our societies. But I did accept some personal but limited gifts from my ex-wife.
Coming back to the arbitration my queries are:
1). . . . . I have no issues in accepting the decision of the arbitration if this is what I am supposed to do within the purview of Islamic laws in a situation described above. My queries are: Is merely seeing this as a case of divorce justified by arbitration?
2). . . . . Should this not be also taken as a case of cheating first?
3). . . . . Is arbitration correct in deciding what they have as mentioned above?
I am really confused, I raised this issue with the arbitration and they haven't responded to my queries yet, I can forward the e-mail I wrote to them.
Now because my ex-wife is creating a lot of trouble back home, while I am in another city due to work and my parents have to deal with the situation, we are forced to give in to avoid harassment and get over with it and lead a normal life even if it was at the cost of injustice (injustice in my opinion). My parents are also of the opinion that it is not worth to linger on the problem as it will only create stress and make life more miserable.
I am really not sure what I should do, because I strongly feel that rather than a mere case of divorce, it should also be treated as a case of cheating and the arbitration must look into and investigate in it. In my opinion they are just cutting it short as per their own convenience and finding the easiest way out. I am clearly not satisfied by the decisions of the arbitration (which is still in process). I feel that the members of arbitration are simply taking an advantage of the situation because my family happens to be very protective about ourselves"¦I don't know if protective is the right word, but someone who does not want to engage in hassles.
I would be really grateful if you could help me out.
Requests for dua
- Mir
Sister Noorah's Answer:
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I think that you are in a very difficult situation, but to this point you have dealt with it in perhaps the best manner you can. I have dealt with a person who suffers from BPD, and it is indeed a condition that affects one's daily life. It can result from a brain imbalance or be due to early abuse or lack of bonding with a parent, or a combination of these things, and it is something this poor girl will struggle with for the rest of her life.
When you decided to divorce her, by giving her talaaq, Islamically your duty was to let her go and make sure you had given her her mahr (bridal gift) if you had not actually given it to her before this time. You have had marital relations with her, and so you have no right to take back any of the mahr for her.
The deceit of the family is a complication, but I would say that out of kindness and the time you spent with her, you should just let her keep the mahr and not look for its return. As far as the arbitration, we are unfortunately living in a time when it is common for people to give false witness and even to bribe judges and other people in positions of authority, so I advise you "go along to get along" if you feel you cannot get your rights out of this situation. If you think it will help you to get them out of your life so you can get on with your life, then carry on. As she is mentally unstable, it is likely that no matter what you do she will be dissatisfied, so you will have to really protect yourself from any plots. I say this out of concern that she will try to "set you up" in some situation, so do things like keep a small tape recorder on you to record what she says if she confronts you, make sure you are never where she can be alone with you, that sort of thing. People with BPD often are lacking in the ability to feel empathy for others and they can be devious in pretending to have normal emotions while making plots and plans.
You sound like you could use the advice of a solicitor (lawyer), so do seek out some advice in your community. This is a difficult situation for you and I'm afraid it will be messy for a while longer, but try to be patient and persevere. I don't know why Allah chose to test you in this way, but your way of succeeding in this test is to maintain an even temper, continue to pray and fast and fulfill your obligations to Allah, to not engage in backbiting even when others are lying about you, and to understand that for every indignity you suffer, Allah will forgive a sin or pile up rewards for you in Jannah.
May Allah help you to endure this difficult situation, and my du'as are also with this lady who is suffering am mental illness. InshAllah if her parents stop deceiving themselves and others, they can try to give her the help and stability she needs long term. May Allah give her shifaa, Ameen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
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Salaam, I really am sorry that you are dealing with this mess. I would ask you what is the most important thing to you in this situation?
Is it peace in your life? Is it the secure heart and mind of your mother? Is it being treated as if you were cheated instead of divorced? Is it getting on with your life? What is the most important thing to you?
Whatever is the most important thing to you - I would align all of your decisions to fit with the outcome of what is most important. You know, they know and God knows the truth. If you want to fight with them to make them say it - you can, but is it really worth it?
My humble view is that kindness from you is better in this case then everything else in the world. You now have a future - but that family will never have a bright future with BPD. Maybe they all have it? Maybe there is a history in the family of depression and other related things? Better not to mess with people who are not of sound mind - you put yourself in unneccessary dangers and get yourself and your family to a happy and peaceful state, find a good healthy wife and be happy inshaAllah. The longer you hold on to this situation - the further away your beautiful future will be.
Peace,
Jasmine
Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I think that you are in a very difficult situation, but to this point you have dealt with it in perhaps the best manner you can. I have dealt with a person who suffers from BPD, and it is indeed a condition that affects one's daily life. It can result from a brain imbalance or be due to early abuse or lack of bonding with a parent, or a combination of these things, and it is something this poor girl will struggle with for the rest of her life.
When you decided to divorce her, by giving her talaaq, Islamically your duty was to let her go and make sure you had given her her mahr (bridal gift) if you had not actually given it to her before this time. You have had marital relations with her, and so you have no right to take back any of the mahr for her.
The deceit of the family is a complication, but I would say that out of kindness and the time you spent with her, you should just let her keep the mahr and not look for its return. As far as the arbitration, we are unfortunately living in a time when it is common for people to give false witness and even to bribe judges and other people in positions of authority, so I advise you "go along to get along" if you feel you cannot get your rights out of this situation. If you think it will help you to get them out of your life so you can get on with your life, then carry on. As she is mentally unstable, it is likely that no matter what you do she will be dissatisfied, so you will have to really protect yourself from any plots. I say this out of concern that she will try to "set you up" in some situation, so do things like keep a small tape recorder on you to record what she says if she confronts you, make sure you are never where she can be alone with you, that sort of thing. People with BPD often are lacking in the ability to feel empathy for others and they can be devious in pretending to have normal emotions while making plots and plans.
You sound like you could use the advice of a solicitor (lawyer), so do seek out some advice in your community. This is a difficult situation for you and I'm afraid it will be messy for a while longer, but try to be patient and persevere. I don't know why Allah chose to test you in this way, but your way of succeeding in this test is to maintain an even temper, continue to pray and fast and fulfill your obligations to Allah, to not engage in backbiting even when others are lying about you, and to understand that for every indignity you suffer, Allah will forgive a sin or pile up rewards for you in Jannah.
May Allah help you to endure this difficult situation, and my du'as are also with this lady who is suffering am mental illness. InshAllah if her parents stop deceiving themselves and others, they can try to give her the help and stability she needs long term. May Allah give her shifaa, Ameen.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
Many thanks to Jasmine and Sister Noorah for your responses.
Sister Noorah, I must let you know that the situation is exactly the way you have described above in terms of 'setting me up and plans and plots'. While reading Sister Noorah's message, I felt that you said all the things that I have and am going through in reality. I also agree with what has been said above in terms of suggestions and I did attempt it with futile results though. I would also like to inform that mahr was paid in full on the day of marriage and of course I understand it belongs to her.
While we are trying our best to come out of the situation by giving up whatever gifts (excluding mahr) that either myself or my parents gave to her, their actions, especially her's in particular as well as the arbitrators and her family have raised several questions in my mind. I find them highly unreliable in every way. This is to say that I strongly believe that even after giving up everything, they will continue to harass us. For example, my ex-wife has already filed false complaints against me in police station and at another place. She as well as her family act extremely devious which makes me doubt that they are holding any good intentions.
Is there a way I can know specific answers to the three (3 specific) questions raised above (within the purview of Islam)?
The gifts that I have mentioned above are really worth a lot (not that it is worth lot so I am worried about loosing them - No, but for the fact that even if they were worth little would they belong to her in my situation) and have always been and are already in her possession - for the fact that I always believed it belonged to her and only her. The issue is that I need her to sign the divorce decree, which she is not willing to do and it is against this they are asking compensation on top of everything which is already taken by her. It is because of these reasons, I started reconsidering if I should actually let everything go and fight for my right because these people seem to just take advantage of everything. And this also makes me doubtful about their motives.
Up to this point of time, i was more than willing to just do away with and try and get out of the mess. However, it seems that these people are not willing to let me go and they create one or the other issue out of nothing for reasons known best to them. I believe and strongly believe in mercy and sympathize with the lady from the core of my heart and for everything she has been to me. I have great regard for the good times we spent together, good things she did for me and everything else that happened between us. However, their demands sound completely unreasonable to me and it is now bothering me to the extent that I feel rather than giving up, it may be best to actually take the situation 'rightfully' and not on the basis of sympathy or escapism to just make things better for myself (which may not be the case eventually).
Best regards,
mir
Mir, I think that in your case you need to draw a line in the sand. You should first of all make sure you are only communicating with the family through legal advisors and not talking to her or them at all. Tell your attorney to draw up the papers with your final offer and tell them that if they do not accept it, then you will have to subpoena any records the family has of her being treated for mental illness. There are probably hospital records if she has ever had inpatient or outpatient treatment, and the fear of exposure may make them move.
As much as you want to be merciful, and I admire your desire to be, you will have to be strong and firm to get your rights. Document EVERYTHING. Put a recorder on your phone and tape them ( where it is legal). Have everything on paper. Don't answer the phone. Keep e-mails. It's a rough situation and you know what you are dealing with. You have to protect yourself. I know you can stay within the bounds of Islam and not allow yourself to be taken advantage of. Figure out what is the most you can bend in good conscience, then stick to your position like glue. May Allah help you in this and do keep us apprised of the situation.
Fi Aman Allah,
Noorah
Dear sir,
My dear brother, from the begining onwards I was requesting, and I am requesting U only one thing, understand the situation and act accordingly. U are the only person who is going to suffer, whether the result is good or bad. We people are here, only to support U and assist U. So what I am telling again and again is face the situation bravely and wisely. No need to be afraid. always be confident that , you are innocent and had done nothing wrong. Be confident that GOD is great and have an eye on innocent people like U.You may or may not be confident. But I am.
Yours lovingly
Babu
Aswak,
I got married last December 18th 2011 to a girl.It was a arrange a marriage. We got this proposal from the Marriage berueau ; My family liked the girls family profile and agreed to take it further. Now coming to the problem its been very close to three month she never allowed us to have complete sexual intercourse. Initially I thought may be that she is scared of the new enviornment and new people ;trying to comfort her I decided to give her more time so that she can prepared. But with time I realised that she has medical problem.When I took this matter to my in-laws; initially they denied that she has medical problem and eventually denounced taking up the resposiblity.
Adding to that to my shock ,girl is given open statement that she was not interested in me and her parents forced her for this marriage. She does not give any respect to me or my any family member. I am going through disappointment and daily frustruation because of her behaviour with me and my family members.
Finally I decided to get divorce instead of going throug painful time. When I informed the girl that I wanna file divorce she is not ready for the divorce.I feel I am cheated by the girls parents; as I became a scapegoat as they tied there duaghter even after knowing she had a medicle problem.
The other thing bothering me is that she is least interested in men. After getting divorce I am100% sure she will not marry anyone. Do I need to keep on paying the compensation life long ?
Can some expert please provide me directions how to go about the situation.
Eagerly waiting for experts reply.
Allah Hafiz
MSK
Brother MSK,
Sorry to hear about your situation, If you want a detailed answer then please log in and submit your question as a separate post. Give your wife sometime as you are newly married and it's not even 6 months that you are thinking of divorce. Surely, it's her parents fault to force her into marriage and not informing you that she has some sort of medical condition but you don't deserve to suffer rather to be treated as husband with you full rights; however she isn't innocent as well as she should have made her point clear before marriage. Speak to your wife and tell her that it has to stop otherwise their is no point in staying married. If she doesn't respect you or give you your rights then, you have right to divorce her and marry someone who will give your right as husband.
Muhammad1982,
Editor, IslamicAnswers.com
I want to know and get christen advise , like what I should do when my wife is decieving me
We give advice from an Islamic perspective here. But you are welcome to write. Please log in and submit your question as a separate post.
SisterZ
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Dear Mr Mir,
I feel compelled to send you a message about BPD which is quite a common disorder as I am a psychiatrist. It is a depressive illness which can happen to anybody and most people live their lives with it without even being diagnosed. Just because your ex-wife suffered from a depressive illness does not mean that is a strong enough ground to divorce her in Islam, nor does it mean that the family cheated you because you did not know about it. It is like suffering from depression which 9 out 10 people will experience atleast at one point in their life so what do you do? Divorce the person for not telling you about it? That is ridiculous! You should fear Allah (swta) for making such a pathetic excuse to divorce a woman. You met the girl enough times to develop a liking for her, if you found out she had issues then it was your duty to help her through it, no marriage is easy you have to work at it. If you ditch the woman like that then you will throw her into an even depressive state when all she really needs is love and affection that she may have been deprived of so please do expect her to react badly because it was a horrible thing you did. It is so shocking to read other comments sympathising with the writer when its the poor girl who has suffered the most. Just because things are not your way, does not mean the answer is divorce. This is not the answer and you should repent for dropping her like that. Please show humanity for people with illnesses of any kind, Allah (swta) is very near so please repent and lose the narrow-mindedness.
AH
Dr Zee, I agree with you however BPD mentioned by brother Mir is borderline personality disorder characterized by labile emotions, hostility and aggressiveness .
bi polar disorder ( BPD ) is depression and mania.
I know many normal people around are bi polar but I'm not sure about border line personality disorder. They can live normal life too without treatment ? His wife refused treatment.