Is it right to dis-obey parents in this case?
Assalam O Alaikum,
I have been friends with this guy for a significant amount of time and we understand each other extremely well. We had decided that we should get married and after marriage we had decided to build a hospital in an impoverished area where the patients would receive free of cost medical care. Before he could place this proposal forth; his mother and his half brother(whose the head of the household) and other family announced to him that they had him engaged to a family friends' daughter whom he doesn't even know and they had not even asked him for his consent on this. Now I tell him that he should still bring forth his proposal to his family but he fears he will be breaking family ties and will be disobeying his mother and Islam says we should not disobey our parents in any way. But then again it is not right for parents to emotionally blackmail their children either.
Please guide us on what we should do?
Thanks,
ahc_one
Leyla's Answer:
Salaam Ahc_one,
I am sorry that you are experiencing this awful sense of having something beautiful and wholesome being taken away from you.
I understand that this man has fears, however this is one situation where the best thing for you to do is step away from any influence you have over him and let him make his decision. The way to do this is to tell him that you are happy to marry him and that you believe that you will have a happy marriage together, however if he does not wish to go against his family that you understand and that you wish him the very best in life.
The reasons for this are numerous. First, it is essential that whatever action he takes - he takes because he feels it is right and not because he has been pressured or influenced. If you push him, argue with him, or influence him and the action you push him to works out bad: he will never take responsibility.
Second, is that if he is sincere about marrying you and wants to do so, he will get the courage to speak to his parents about it. If he does not feel this way and does not have the courage, then any marriage that happens between you as a result of your input will never be stable as you will never know if he wanted it or if he was pressured into it.
Thirdly, you do not know the full story of what is happening with him at home and with this cousin, it may be that he agreed to it and did not want to hurt you by saying so, or it may be that he did not want to pursue marriage with you and did not want to be honest for fear or hurting you or it may be that he is telling the truth and that he was engaged without his permission. Whatever the case, whilst you do not know the full story and the full reasons for his actions (which you will never know) then it is not right for you to say that something is right or wrong in the matter, or to critise his parents or his family, or even him. You have concluded that his parents are emotionally blackmailing him - and you may be right and you may be wrong: the truth is there is no way you can know that this is 100% the case and so it is important that you do not cultivate a bad view of them and say bad things about them based on what he has told you - and also, because he is completely free to say what he wishes, and he can easily tell his parents that he would like them to consider you. Whatever he says or doesn't say, whatever he does or doesn't do is completely within his free will and so it is important that you keep the responsibility for what is happening with him and not with the parents.
Yet another reason to stay out of it is that what he wants to do is be obedient to his parents, which is an Islamic virtue - and so if you advise disobedience to parents, you will be advising an unIslamic virtue and this is not a good way to go about starting a marriage.
I know that this feels unfair and unreasonable right now, however we have to learn to accept that we cannot change another person's mind by being angry, or disgusted or upset. The truth is that this boy has 100% freedom and ability to ask his parents to consider you and to tell them that he wants to approach your family. If he was sincerely set on it, he would tell his parents and he would risk whatever he needed to risk. A man who wants to do something will overcome obstacles to achieve it and a man who does not want to do something will find an obstacle even where there isn't one. For this reason, it is absolutely essential for the female to not get involved, because if you get involved and you try to influence the outcome, all that happens is that you expend a great deal of time and emotional energy on something that really, you should not have to fight for.
Step aside, let him go - and if it is his will to be with you, he will come to you with a proposal. If it is not his will to be with you, he will not. The only way you will ever know is if you give him the freedom to make his own decision.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
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Leyla's Answer:
Salaam Ahc_one,
I am sorry that you are experiencing this awful sense of having something beautiful and wholesome being taken away from you.
I understand that this man has fears, however this is one situation where the best thing for you to do is step away from any influence you have over him and let him make his decision. The way to do this is to tell him that you are happy to marry him and that you believe that you will have a happy marriage together, however if he does not wish to go against his family that you understand and that you wish him the very best in life.
The reasons for this are numerous. First, it is essential that whatever action he takes - he takes because he feels it is right and not because he has been pressured or influenced. If you push him, argue with him, or influence him and the action you push him to works out bad: he will never take responsibility.
Second, is that if he is sincere about marrying you and wants to do so, he will get the courage to speak to his parents about it. If he does not feel this way and does not have the courage, then any marriage that happens between you as a result of your input will never be stable as you will never know if he wanted it or if he was pressured into it.
Thirdly, you do not know the full story of what is happening with him at home and with this cousin, it may be that he agreed to it and did not want to hurt you by saying so, or it may be that he did not want to pursue marriage with you and did not want to be honest for fear or hurting you or it may be that he is telling the truth and that he was engaged without his permission. Whatever the case, whilst you do not know the full story and the full reasons for his actions (which you will never know) then it is not right for you to say that something is right or wrong in the matter, or to critise his parents or his family, or even him. You have concluded that his parents are emotionally blackmailing him - and you may be right and you may be wrong: the truth is there is no way you can know that this is 100% the case and so it is important that you do not cultivate a bad view of them and say bad things about them based on what he has told you - and also, because he is completely free to say what he wishes, and he can easily tell his parents that he would like them to consider you. Whatever he says or doesn't say, whatever he does or doesn't do is completely within his free will and so it is important that you keep the responsibility for what is happening with him and not with the parents.
Yet another reason to stay out of it is that what he wants to do is be obedient to his parents, which is an Islamic virtue - and so if you advise disobedience to parents, you will be advising an unIslamic virtue and this is not a good way to go about starting a marriage.
I know that this feels unfair and unreasonable right now, however we have to learn to accept that we cannot change another person's mind by being angry, or disgusted or upset. The truth is that this boy has 100% freedom and ability to ask his parents to consider you and to tell them that he wants to approach your family. If he was sincerely set on it, he would tell his parents and he would risk whatever he needed to risk. A man who wants to do something will overcome obstacles to achieve it and a man who does not want to do something will find an obstacle even where there isn't one. For this reason, it is absolutely essential for the female to not get involved, because if you get involved and you try to influence the outcome, all that happens is that you expend a great deal of time and emotional energy on something that really, you should not have to fight for.
Step aside, let him go - and if it is his will to be with you, he will come to you with a proposal. If it is not his will to be with you, he will not. The only way you will ever know is if you give him the freedom to make his own decision.
Peace,
Leyla
Editor, Islamic Answers
Salams,
Amazing answer mashalah, i hope you take this sisters advice. May allah giude us all ameen.
Peace
hi sister may Allah bless u.I will tell u that Allah chooses the best to everyone if Allah wishes that hes your future husband his parents could have not choosen to him anyone else.maybe u dont know she might be the girl whom Allah choosen to be his future wife i am not saying that u r bad but u dont know this might be good for both of you even if u love each other and wish to get marry if Allah wishes that u will marry him u could have.and about dis-obeying parents we have to dis-obey our parents only if they ask us to do a sin.but this is not a sin this is an order from them and he must obey them.dont get me wrong i am really happy that u love each other and u want to build a hospital to help poor patients but this are his parents and parents know what is good for their children how ever u love him u cannot encourage him to dis-obey his parents and this can make Allah be angry of u both because( if your parents are please with u Allah will be please with u and if your parents are angry of u Allah will be angry of u)if his parents dont want u both to get married u have to except that because if u,will marry in this way u can never find the peace in your life.so always try to ask Allah to choose u the best.may Allah bless u.your sis shystar fatima.
This is simply a circular argument: u cannot encourage him to dis-obey his parents and this can make Allah be angry of u both because( if your parents are please with u Allah will be please with u and if your parents are angry of u Allah will be angry of u)
So you are saying that if a man kills someone that so long as his parents are happy that he did Allah will be happy - nonsense.
This is human `intellect interpreting Gods guidance to suit an argument - it is ridiculous to suggest that parents are always right in choice of partner - they are human and not infallible. So to suggest to someone that unless they marry the person the parents chose out of their OWN convenience and not the happiness of their child is not ok
ya very nice answer the first was, bt I think it is the twenty first century. parents should understand their children. I don't know wt is particularly in Islam. It is eberywhere we children don't disobey our parents bt we hv right to choose our life partner.coz if two matured person can understand each other, they hv true feelings of love for each other , then parents should consider them and ok let parents talk among themselves from both side then can go ahead instead of emotional blackmailing like crying,telling of their duties etc. etc
ok may God bless that girl getting her love as her life partner.
bt one wuestion wt that girl will do if he is nt coming back to her.
thank you