IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

We have been married for nine years. My husband’s anger started to show shortly after the marriage. He was very controlling and would lose his temper easily. He would make issues about things that could be overlooked. We have had so many fights that I cannot list them all!

Before marriage my husband put the following conditions, he didn’t want me to work full-time. He wanted me to live with his mum, he said she was paralysed from right side but otherwise she was quite independent. I had issues with my sister in law.

I contribute  to the expenses of the house and forgave him part of the mahr.

The first time he shouted and swore at me was when we went to Mecca, he was mad at me about money expenses, he trow me objects that I bought and hurt me. The next day I forgave him.

 Once I was going to hospital to have scan due to a chest infection he asked me if I wanted him to take me, I said no as we had an argument prior this and I was not happy with him. He then got angry and we had another row he called my sister a slag, I called him a junkie he pushed me against the wall and with my handbag hit me on the head and kicked my finger accidentally. I screamed and tried to leave but he wouldn’t let me leave. I looked out the window and saw two police officers and called for help. They knocked and asked me what the matter was, I said I wanted to go to an appointment but he wouldn’t let me! I didn’t say he had hit me. They then walked with me till I got to the hospital but I went to the station instead he followed me to my mums. I came back with him and didn’t tell them anything.

One day his mum called me to change her, I asked his niece to go up as she was visiting then, she went up but said she couldn't do it. I was extremely busy in the kitchen my husband asked me to go up. I said can't you do it as I'm really tired and cant walk up the stairs now plus I have so much to do here. He called me a bastard! something just snapped in me and I went for him, pushing him to the wall. He lashed back hitting me several times I screamed so hard. He whacked me on the face so hard that it had hit my eye. He then went to drop his niece off to her home. I started to cook, whilst I was cooking my eyes watered terribly. His mum came downstairs to eat later on, I served her food and she started to have a go at me saying why are you two fighting I said to her have you seen my eyes they are watering constantly why don't you have a word with your son! He came home and went to bed, my mother in law went to sleep as well. I continued cooking till 3am and tidied the kitchen. he did not help me at all. When I went to have a shower I saw that my left eye was bloodshot!. I showered and prayed fajr and went to sleep. The next morning I lied to everyone saying I hit the door by accident. When I went to A&E the day after they said I had a popped blood vessel and gave me some drops. I get migraines in my left eye I'm not sure if it is due to that!

On another occasion about 3 years ago we had a row about something he whacked my right cheek so hard that my left jaw locked. To this day my left jaw clicks and it hurts. I didn't seek any medical help then. His violence towards me seemed to calm down a lot. he vowed not to hit me again. It has rarely happend again until recently when he pushed me out of the car.

He used to tell me I was always in my family´s side and insulted them and me with any excuse. He accused my mother of lying and trying to confrontate us,  during this fight I said you are crazy and all this proves it! He then opened the door and told me to get out, I didn’t budge, so he threw my handbag out of the car, I didn’t get out, he then shoved me with such force that I fell out

The last few arguments we’ve had he has threatened me to leave his house. This is truly sad! As I have always believed that this was my house too. I have been building a home for nine years treating it as my own. I have purchased things for the house, I spent selflessly in the home as I thought it was my home. Despite only working part time I have contributed financially every month as well as shopping here and there. What security or future do I have.

He has emailed me a few times and we have spoken on the phone. But it seems to always lead to an argument as I have requested that he give me some security. We had a meeting, he told me to return home I asked that he put my name in the house or allow me to buy my own property. He has said no to both. I then said I wouldn’t contribute to the household expenses. He said I cant work then, I said he had agreed to it before we got married. He got angry and said he didn't want a penny form me. I said I would contribute but it would not be a fixed thing. He said he didn’t want a penny. He left that meeting saying he wanted to do isthikhara as he was shocked I could think like this. Since then he has accused me of being money hungry.

He wants me to come home first and then go see an imam. I want to go see an imam first and then return home pending outcome of the meeting. This is where we are stuck. I believe if I go home first the issues will just be swept under the carpet and things will return to normal until something happens again and we end up in the same boat. My parents are getting tired off giving me shelter in their home. I don’t think I can come back again if we do have another argument if I return without sorting things. My concerns are that I have no savings, as I don’t have any children I will not be entitled to any social housing. I wont be able to afford rent as I only work part time. I am worried that if due to an argument he asks me to leave I will have no where to go. This us why I feel I need my own property. I have been a full-time carer for his mum this is why I never worked substantial hours. His condition of marriage is I work part-time. And his mum remain in our home. I want to speak to a third party about our issues so that they can advise us accordingly but he is not willing, he wants me to return home and then seek help.

 We agreed both do things differently so that it wouldn't escalate to this level. He then started asking why hadn't my older sister advised me to make up with him, and why my mum and dad had not rang him. I said that he was on the wrong as he had thrown me out if the car so why would my family ring him. had he rang them to try and sort things out. I also said that I lived and looked after his mum for 9 years why hadn't she rang to check where her daughter in law is. He started saying bad things about my mum. I got mad and said he was feroth! in bengali this means disgusting or nasty. He stormed off. I got the train back to my mums house.

Please can you advise me what to do. I have done isthikhara many times but have had no dreams or any feelings inclining towards divorce or making up. I am as confused as ever. We just cant seem to move on. He always has issues with my family even though they have kept out of our problems and have never said a harsh word or been hostile to him.

-AZAMA