I cant control myself
Hi, I'm 11-12 years old and I know this is weird and it took me alot of courage to admit this: But I keep thinking about women you know how, and I need help. This is really hard to say. I have seen the parts of women on the internet, I am very ashamed of this. I keep thinking about it all the time and in some cases I have actually thought about men.
I'm actually thinking of getting a girlfriend and marrying her at 18. I keep fighting telling myself its shaitan but it doesn't work. I'm too young to get married thats why I thought of the girlfriend idea.
If there is any way to fight this then please tell me.
~ by some guy in uk
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Salaams,
I hate to give you bad news, but the truth is now that you've hit puberty these thoughts and feelings are going to continue for a long time to come.
Bukhari :: Book 7 :: Volume 62 :: Hadith 33 Narrated Usama bin Zaid:
The Prophet said, "After me I have not left any affliction more harmful to men than women."
Men continually struggle against the temptation to lust and act in sin. Women aren't making it any easier when they walk around uncovered and immodest. Unfortunately, pornographic images are too easy to access, and young men such as yourself are being exposed to things that were only imagined centuries before.
Certainly, when you get older, marriage is indeed an option and refuge for these type of problems. However, marriage doesn't provide complete immunity. Even though you will have a wife, and this will make things easier, the temptation to look at things you shouldn't or engage in things you shouldn't doesn't automatically disappear.
I can tell you this, the solution is NOT in getting a girlfriend. That is only a quicker route to zina. You must make sure that you are trying your best not to seek out haram images, and when in public lower your gaze around other females. As the Prophet (sas) said to Ali about the look at a non-mahram woman: "The first is for you, the second is against you.". Learning how to not look at women too long or more then necessary is a feat that will take lots of practice and a lifetime to master.
I believe some other, more experienced Muslim men will have additional advice on how to help your situation, since they've been in it and know what works better than what I might naively suggest. I just want you to know that you are in no way alone in your experience, and there are solutions to make this matter easier to deal with as you go through life.
-Amy
IslamicAnswers.com Editor
Assalaam Walekum Wa Rahmatullahi Wa Barakatuhu Brother,
I praise Allah Subhaanwataala for He is able to create innocent people like you even in times like today. Also I am sure , He ( The Exalted and gloorius is He) would be able to do so Till the time He Wills.Subhaan Allah.
Brother, like you said you are just twelve years old, so in way you have just entered the domain of sins and knowledge.May Allah The Almighty and His angels may be Always by your side.Aameen.You must be aware that Our Lord has created us.And He has ordered us to do good for our ownsake.Its important as a child to understand this.Moreover you should understand that Our Human life is just Temporary.Like a test.And In here we are like in some fairytale, where in the Hero fights the bad, the Evil to reach its ultimate goal.You must have heard good stories right?
Similarly is our life.In it we have to fight evil.As mentiioned in Quran -e- Paak: SATAN THE CURSED IS A MAN'S BIGGEST ENEMY..So my brother that man reffered in here is every individual man and woman born on this earth.That includes you and me as well.Its like we are heroes in our own fairytale life, and battle against wicked satan.This Satan ( Iblees the cursed is he as he is called, )He is the bad guy, belonging to different race,not humans, and brews hatred and enemy against our race, For Allah Rabbil Izzat loves human beings the most.It is an ages old enemy Iblees had with our Father Adam.And He has said to Allah paak that he will try and lead astray the human beings, except those who firmly believe in Allah Paak.Although he tries to lead astray everyone, its like better and more god fearing a person is , difficult he would make things for that person.And you know what, the more you are in trouble , and fight it, The more Allah paak loves you for that.Congratulations Amigo, you are being loved by the one who created you.Mashaallah.
By now you should understand that you are at war against Iblees and His friend for the sake of Allah,just because that Allah Choose us ( human beings) as His representative on earth.Its the biggest war.Indeed a fairy tale.So now just recall what they say about love and war: That everything is fair in it.Exactly!
So now our enemy Iblees has certain privileges which he misuses against Human beings.Like one of them is that He would be left alone till the Qiyamat( that is in return for the worship he performed for Allah when he was among angels).So this bad Guy who instead of repenting like you( for what you have done and being feeling) is actually turning upon all of us.He uses tricks to to make people forget what is right and wrong.He tells them, and leads them to bad things, people, places, and acts in this world.This is just because he knows that once people fall into that they are no longer being protected by Angels.As Angels of Allah cannot habitat bad places,things, and acts.So thats why he led you to bad things as you mentioned.Now you will ask then how is it I feel that I am the one who is doing it willfully?The answer is what our Sister Amy told, first look is pardoned but second is not.It would be that you just bumped into that idea of bad things,or got hold pictures, but then at first you were protected.So thats ok.But what happens later is that the Iblees and his friends, they come to you in thoughts, telling you in mind,that hey dude thats not bad, just one look more,you are not addicted,thats ok.This sort of thoughts they put.And you know what, even though Allah paak created us, He has left our will of action with us as a test to find out his true lovers.The ones who will stick by his side even in times of hardship.And in us there are two parts one tells us and inspires us for wrong thing and other one the cleaner part our heart and soul, it always wants to do good and be away from bad.It would be something like Allah has given you two kids to look after one bad and one good.And told you whoever you love more you will become like him.So Iblees has connection with that bad child in you.So now if you listen to what this bad part is telling , you will start acting against wishes of Allah.And finally may end up becoming bad.
For example, a urge in you says, hey lets have look at that picture, as no one is here? or it will say lets go to that friend who has that picture.THIS IS NOT YOU .REMEMBER THIS ALWAYS.Now once you have that urge, its like a tree growing.And tree needs water and other things to grow.Same here this urge needs your time and thoughts and you to become weak in making decision about right and wrong.And it will grow,And it grows super fast and once it grows its difficult to cut.So the best thing one can do is cut the tree when its small.BUT REMEMBER ITS A WRONG IDEA TO THINK THAT POPPING UP OF TREE OF URGE IN YOUR HEART IS SOMETHING TO DO WITH YOU.Not at all.Its like stray dog entering your garden.And once it enters you have to protect your garden by taking the head of that dog like Urge By saying NO: LA ILAHA ILLALLAHA.There is no god but Allah.Like in Quran What Allah paak Says: HE GIVES A BELIEVER A THING WITH WHICH HE CAN DIFFERENTIATE AND GET RID OF BAD AND EVIL, AND STICK TO GOOD.Some say its knowledge and ability to use it by Allah's help.The moment some thought comes behead it with what you know its good.
Like when you see a girl first time accidently remind yourself that second look is not forgivable.So dont look at her second time.And its not that you continue looking at her thinking that anyways its my first look, thats also wrong.Limit yourself.lower your gaze.Make a movement of your head.Just think that its iblees and his friends that are using the fellow humanbeings against you.Not only others they also control our own body parts against us.Like our body temperature, and genitals.Like I said its normal to have a dog into your garden, but then its important what you allow that dog to do.for others you can do that easily, by lowering gaze and moving away.Also you can be in company of good friends and elders who are into good.
But what about your own body:Your private parts, body temperature, mind etc.Here self discipline is important.You must know that these things trouble you with friends of Iblees.As you have allowed subconciously Iblees to control it.Its like if a state is not looked after by its own government, neighbouring state will attack it. Same in us.Once we dont take care of our body, soul, heart, its controlled by iblees.Body is controlled by remaining and sticking to wudhu( ablution) and clean condition.Offering prayers regularly etc.Doing good acts.Soul is happy when you pray to Allah out of love.Heart is happy when we allow only good things in it.Good thoughts, clean thoughts.And how to get it Read Quran, Hadiths, Listen to good people.Be away from friends and people who are bad.Keep this rule in your heart, its either right or wrong,there is nothing in between.Stick to this when making a decision.
In our times the problem is we are fed into community for career and education without proper foundation of teachings of Islam.As companions of prophet sallallahu alaihi wa sallam once asked Him: Is it true that people will fall to such things, with even Quran with them.And our Prophet Sallallahu alaihi wa sallam replied: Quran would be there but not in heart, its high status would not be in their heart.
So brother Raise the status of Quran and every single good deed you do in your heart.Dont neglect the smallest thought passing through your heart without thinking whether its good or bad . Keep your heart always under your scan and control it.Or else you will also end up like all of us you see on this website,who have committed grave sins.And now begging.Be in the fortress of protection you are now. Dont leave it , till you die.That would be the most beautiful end for your fairytale story.Anything other than that is not so good.Acquire knowledge.Be aware of what forbidden things you learn about in your education system and peer pressure among friends.
Girlfriend is not the solution, its a trap. Solution is you and what you do against your problem is your defence.I have been through all this and still I am fighting against it.Now its just that by Allah's mercy that fight has become my way of life.
My prayers will be always for you also.
Takecare
Allah Hafiz wa Nasir
Brother Some Guy in Uk,
To protect yourself and soul please accomplish the followings:
Be friends with good boys- good muslim boys but if in your location there are not many good muslim boyd then try being friends with good non-muslim boys, the ones who are into their studies, the well mannered one. Don't or never care if you don't come across as cool boy in your school. Trust me bruv,most if those cool boys (muslim and non muslim) who were in my school are either now alcholic or drug addict and one even lost his sense and so he is in care.
Stay away from girls. By this I don't not mean avoid group study project/ assignments with them but be very formal to them. dont become friends with girls!
Attend Islamic talks
Offer your prayers- at first you can start with your farz prayers and slowly builf it on...
Read the Quran with the translation. Take tajweed classes
Become involved with family activities and situtation. Help out around the house, like do some DIY around the house, take the garbage out, help out with home shopping- like grocerry.
Don.t spend too much alone in your bed, esply in front of computer
Avoid watching dramas or movies or Tv alone. Watch them with your family.
Read islamic books on heart and soul
Take part in sport activities- like football
Do charity or voluntary work
Please brother take our advise!!- And inshaAllah, you wont hurt or wrong yourself! Look after yourself at all times. Always try to be away from filth and impurity. Instead remain firm, clean, paak and pure at all times.
Your caring sister,
Parveen 🙂
Fantastic advice from Sister Parveen,
Idle hands make devils work!
If you have nothing to do... Shaytan will find you things to do!
Always be around people - good people.
Yes sports, clubs activities to keep your mind occupiied! Make sure they involve other guys not you by yourself.
May Allah help you.
Asalaam alaikum young brother,
Alhamdulillah, by seeking advice here, you have found some very good people who care to give you good ideas about what you are going through. I would like to tell you to speak to your father about these things, too. At your age, your body is going through many changes and it is natural to be curious about women, but you need to be very cautious about what you do about it. Unfortunately, as you have discovered, there are some things you've been exposed to which have brought you great guilt and remorse.
The reason why you feel this way is that because while you are curious, you are also naturally gifted in recognizing right from wrong. You know that to see a woman's private parts is wrong when she is not your wife and so this is why you feel this way. It is a gift from Allah (swt) that this has happened when Shaytan has tried to use images of immodest women to steer you onto the crooked path. You see, God is helping you, dear son.
Hijab for every man is very important. I want you to think of heroic gladiators for the past, like the great warriors of Islam. Do you know what they carried onto the battlefield? Shields! Even they needed protecting and so it is the case with you against the forces of evil, yet your shield today, is your hijab. Insha'allah, by developing good attention to building a great shield (hijab) for yourself, you will be able to protect yourself with the traps of Shaytan.
Allah (swt) ask you to build this great shield by keeping a track of your eyes away from things that give you thoughts of women in an unclean way. This is not to say that women are dirty, but understand that not all women value their body and self-esteem like a good, Muslim woman is instructed to by Allah (swt). So by practicing and keeping your eyes and mind focused on building a great hijab/sheild you can be a great warrior too, struggling in the way of Allah (swt). Remember that the Prophet Muhammad (saw) said that the greatest battle is against our inner nafs, so you see, this is meant for you, too!
I also encourage you to follow the advice of the Prophet by thinking of many things to involve yourself with, such as martial arts. Great warrior always had good skills and so its time for you to develop your self, too. This will give you great discipline, good friends, make you happy and an awesome young man! The Prophet advised men to know about combat like archery, horse riding and things like that. So for modern times, martial arts is good for you, too!
You can still try horse riding, because I know it's still a good pass time in the UK and they often play polo there. This is another good sport to learn, if your parents allow it. Try archery too! Insha'allah, you will find something very god for you.
Young man, please be careful while on the internet. I know that you have many questions in your mind and there are other boys your age who may think it is okay to look at these things, but trust me, it does really hurt you. And if I can say this, it would really hurt your mom's feelings if she discovers that you look at those pictures. Remember that your mom dos so much for you every day, and it would break her heart to know that you saw these things of strange women. She will feel greatly embarrassed and ashamed. It is not fair for you or for her to do these things. Okay?
Besides, when you are thinking of marriage one day in the future, you only want to see the most special woman in the world in this special way. Think for a moment that the best woman has a beautiful shield/hijab, too! It's a nice way to think that two people with the best and greatest shields will find each other in the future. So the better your shield is against the Shaytan and pictures, the better you eyes will see another bright shield/hijab worn by a pretty Muslim girl, Insha'allah.
Let us know how you are doing. And come back when you need more help. We are here for you, Insha'allah!