IslamicAnswers.com: Islamic Advice

This probably sounds awful, but I have mixed feelings about my mother. I respect her, but I dont love her. Or is it that I love her, but I dont respect her from the heart. I am 35, married, have young  children and live in a foreign country. My parents live in Pakistan. My mother was from a highly influential family, father is a self made man, who has done well enough to have kept a normal family happy. But my mother likes to believe and show that she is just as rich as she was brought up.

Where I was being brought up, society was very advanced, even for a country like Pakistan. It was indulged in many evils that our religion condemns, but because that is also where to elite lived, and schools were best we had to survive in that society. My parents were very strict. I was not allowed to make friends, go out or mix with anyone at all, even family friends. It was school and back, full stop.

I understand their point of view, but in the end, I felt I was unable to do the things I wanted to do in life, and as a result just wanted to escape from their prison, even if it meant eloping. During the process, I even got involved with a guy, a gem of a person and secretly got engaged. We still had some time before we were both educationally qualified, and by the end of our uni, I realized I was only using him as an escape. He genuinely proposed, and asked when his parents should come and meet mine for a formal proposal. But by this time I wanted to get out of the relationship as I felt I was still young at 21. I did mention it to my father, he refused straight away, which made it easier for me to say good bye to him. He was heart broken, but mature enough to respect my decision, and despite being in the same city has never tried to contact me in 14 years, even though his sisters are still my friend. Sorry to get carried away with this, actually I have never had the opportunity admit all this. To make a long story short, despite my parents restrictions, and strong values, I ended up breaking their trust.

I feel my mother has never tried to understand me, or explain anything to me well, or actually even bothered to explain to me. I wanted to be a journalist, and study mass media and communication, I wanted to be  a marketer or go into advertising. But this all seemed like Gunah Kabeerah to them, "too much exposure of the 'bad' world" they would say.

I was never allowed after school / extra curricular activities, they told me it is not required, but as soon as I reached home from school, my mum would be ready, waiting to go shopping with her friends, we would be locked indoors, and she would be out with friends, whilst my dad was out working.

I heaved a sigh of relief when I got married to a wonderful guy. We have had our ups and downs, but he is my perfect soul mate, Allah has chosen the best for me.

My parents are visiting me abroad for the first time (my mother has visited me once). My mother is very pushy and demanding. I do not want to disappoint her. But she has already started giving me panic attacks. My dad is powerless, she has made him sick too, he has become weak and frail. He has no say in anything. The last time my mother visited, she insisted on going shopping every single day. I did not drive, and had to take cabs everywhere, or my husband would chauffeur  us around, and wait for hours and hours to no end. I felt very embarrassed,  and sometimes she would choose to go into the cheapest and lowest markets to save money, even if it meant us waiting hand and foot on her. Things she bought she hardly used and eneded up giving them away to their servants back home anyway. She said she was coming to see me and my brother's children, but all she did was go shopping.

They are visiting us soon now, I am happy for the rest of the family, but when I think of my mother, I'm not as happy as my friends think I am, or should be. Because my dad is unwell, I wanted him to come to me so I could look after him in a fresher environment, and cook him special food, and keep him happy. But my mother has already decided on how many shopping centres she will visit in the 1st week. My brother lives in a tiny one bedroom flat, and is travelling most of the time, so my sister in law has her sister who lives with her when he's away. My mum has decided not to stay with them, but live with us, as we have a bigger house, and has asked my sister in law to come and love with us too, so she doesnt have to keep going to her house.

I often read different status updates by freinds on facebook and twitter, and can't help but feel, how come they are 'so happy their mum is visiting'.

Everyone send out gifts and cards to their mums on Mother's day, I avoid calling her, even though I will normally spend hours talking to her own the phone. I used to send stuff, but that was for both mothers, my MIL and my own mum, I felt my MIL was just like a mother to me too, but my mother made fun of that, so stopped doing it altogether.

She is fun to be with, but only with an ulterior motive, or when she is happy. The minute me or my husband say anything that doesnt suit her temperaments she will start rolling her eyes and make us feel like 'bad bad' children.

I am truly sorry if my post is too long, I just had to talk to someone. Even though my husband understands, and sympathizes, I still can't tell him everything I feel incase I lower my parent's respect in his eyes, and give him a chance to show me down at any point.

~Salima