Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Online Relationship

In Love

Salamu Alakuim....First of all, I would like to say Jazakuim Allahu khairan for this great website and advice that you offer. I truly believe that our Muslims ummah NEEDS MORE OF THESE websites that one can turn to in time of desperate need of advice, especially when no one else understands or can give the correct islamic view point! So may Allah (swt) reward every single individual involved in this great effort. ameen.

So to get to the real talk...

I have been searching for a spouse since the past 2 years online due to the many refusals I have put on the guys that come propose for me, as the are NOT the type of men I want to marry. For that reason, I turned to online sources. At first I tried the casual way of Islam chat rooms, which I realized was not as islamic as I thought. I realized chatting was a waste of time and a lot of guys would talk dirty to me, which was totally unacceptable. So I gave up, until I met this very decent guy who I met last year. We have been talking since the beginning of 2011, and from the day we talked until today he HAS NEVER EVER not even once talked dirty or gave a clue of dirty talk. He is a god-fearing man (alhamdallah) who prays 5 times, fasts, good to his parents, etc..

However, the problem is we are very far away from each other and second he is NOT from my race! Yes, another race marriage problem ;( I know, it's sad a lot of young Muslims are going through this dilemma of parents' refusals of good potential spouses ONLY because he is from a different race.

But my story is a little complicated. My mother does not really mind if he is not from my race, so long as he is a good Muslims man, but my father DEFINITELY minds, and maybe he will not talk to for a while and I love my father very very much, but I must admit, I do love this man and he loves me too, so I'm tied between the two... like a tug-of-war 🙁

On top of that, my mom does not trust that he is a decent man only because I met him online. She believes that every single man online is dirty and talks dirty to girls, as she heard horrible horror stories of people she know whose good pious daughters went down the haram path and fell for a dirty man's talk online and became a dirty girl herself. For that reason, my mom is very scared for me, which I completely understand and love her so much for that, but at the same time, she does not give me the room to explain the situation and describe him to her.

Furthermore, my mom has a very bad image of this man I want to marry because she asked me "has he ever said 'I love you" to you?" And I couldn't lie and I had to say "yes" because he did and so did I but that was after we got to know each other for months! I know we should not say that to each other yet, since we are not engaged or anything, but it came almost naturally for him and me as well. I do not see myself with anyone except him and he feels the same exact way and will do anything to have me. He already knows and is well aware of my parents' view on marriage outside my culture, and he is willing to do anything to fight it back! He has waited for over a year for me to come to his country, as it is not easy for him to come to U.S. he could have easily gotten married by now, but decided that he want to wait for me because he feels I'm so worth the wait, since he knows that I am  alhamdAllah a practicing Muslim who prays 5 times, fasts, and involved with teaching Islamic schools and leading youth events in the community. so because he knows all of this about me, he has decided to wait as long as it takes to have me. Keep in mind, he has all the characteristics of a good man that a girl would want : he is a practicing muslim, engineer, owns his own place and car, stable, etc.... but he feels that girls in his country want him for his money and house and NOT for who he is. And after he met me, he realized that I don't want a rich man, but rather a pious good practicing man who is stable of course, but I never asked about what and how much he owns, so he sensed that in our talk. And by the way, he has enough money to come to U.S. so I know that he DOES NOT want me for U.S. but rather for me and who I am as a practicing Muslim girl (alhamdallah)

Anyway, so the point I want to make now is .... how will I convince my mom that HE IS NOT the typical dirty chat room guys and that there are a few rare ones who do want to get married and are serious about it, like the guy I met online??? I had the idea of having him and his mother talk to my mother, which I to also convince my mom about. Any other ideas until I meet him in summer?

second, I want advice on how to keep the relationship halal all the way until we meet inshAllah this summer and get our families involved. Ever since last year, we have always talked about different topics and got to know each other through chatting, but the more I got to know him, the more I liked him. The more we talked online, the more our feelings got stronger and stronger, until naturally it came out  from the both of us: "i love you"

I know it is haram to say such words, and we have decided to not say anything related to love/miss.... and inshAllah we will not say it anymore, but how can we refrain from it consistently??? It's not easy as you think.... its veryyyyyyy hard especially for him as a guy to express his feelings and i love to hear it and say it back... but we never ever talked dirty or anything and inshAllah we will never do that before marriage. I know this because when I asked him about it and how I've heard stories of girls falling for guys online through sweet sex talk, he got veryyyyyyy upset and could not believe I would even think of him for a second in that way. He told me that I have a younger sister and I would NEVER allow any man to talk to her in a dirty way and same goes for me that your a pure girl and I would never ever talk to you in that way, and alhamdAllah we've been talking online for a year now and he hasn't said anything dirty. Also, I really want to communicate with him on the phone to get to know each other more, instead of all online chatting. I've done this once or twice but I don't know if it's ok or not?

Any suggestions/advice is greatly appreciated!

May Allah (swt) make this path of marriage easy and bring his blessings in all that we do. Ameen 🙂


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13 Responses »

  1. walaikumsalaam,
    Simple.. pray salat-ul-istikhara and ask your mother and father aswell, if outcome positive then they have no leg to stand on and you marry yours truly its all roses and daffodils, if its negative your father gets to say a boasting speech, your mother says i told you so, and mr right becomes just another guy.

    That should be done guranteed inside 7days maximum in which time you wont really miss his voice and lets be honest, holding back the 'i love you' for that period is also very easy, in fact tell him your going away for 7days, when you return, type a celebration speech or a goodbye and gooday speech based on the outcome.

    i believe that answers your question, if after this you need anymore advice, or details i am happy to help, may Allah guide you and help you find the right path insha'Allah.

    • Kelvernater,

      Istikhara Salaah is not done for and within seven days; nor do you get a positive/negative answer as though it be an email in your inbox. I really do not understand what all this widespread false information is based on.

      Please read the link that you posted above: to learn how to do istikhara properly.

      SisterZ Editor

      • Sister, its my personal experience while praying, its mostly not been a dream but a sign of some sort to show me if i was right or wrong or what to do, in case of the sister it can be positive or negative, change of wording to apply to situation but same root meaning, guidance of some sort towards the matter of marriage or not. as for the 7days well that is what i have been taught, that one should pray for upto 7 days and wait for the outcome.

        SisterZ take a deep breath, now breath out and relax, drink plenty of water and take some vitamins, that pitchfork your pointing at me, put it down because i surrender, i am wrong and deluded, my view of istikhara is a example of 'widespread false information', and of course i need to 'learn how to do istikhara properly'. but their was no need to tear into me like a lion, then again i like feminists, theyre quite interesting, and great wording you deserved the satisfaction of that.

        • I took the liberty of reading the link, and i will quote the following:

          Assalamu alaikum. When one is not clear about the result of the istikhara, the fuqaha mention that it is recommend to repeat it, up to seven times if necessary (usually done on separate occasions). [cf: Radd al-Muhtar]

          and in my original post i wrote:

          That should be done guranteed inside 7days maximum

          In my post i wrote a maximum(definition:an upper limit allowed or allowable by law or regulation) and in the link it said 'up to seven times if necessary', necessary(definition:being essential, indispensable, or requisite), and so my post was in fact correct, because i said 'inside 7days..', inside(definition: Inner; interior, within), so when praying the istikhara, whatever may be the outcome, she will have a outcome within 7days, no different from the article on the link which said if essential then repeat upto seven days, hence suggesting if no outcome before then continue, its the same.

          I will now quote again from the linked article:

          It is not necessary that you get a dream or even a "feeling". Rather, the istikhara is a prayer that Allah guide you towards that which is best (khayr) for you. If you do the prayer of guidance (istikhara) with the proper manners, the most important of which is to truly consign the matter to Allah and suspend your own inclinations, then Allah will make events unfold in the direction that is the best for your worldly and next-worldly affairs.

          and in my original post i wrote:

          pray salat-ul-istikhara and ask your mother and father aswell, if outcome positive then they have no leg to stand on and you marry yours truly its all roses and daffodils, if its negative your father gets to say a boasting speech, your mother says i told you so, and mr right becomes just another guy.

          In my post i wrote 'if outcome positive' (definition(outcome):a final product or end result) so once you pray within the 7days, your end result will come, (definition(positive):Measured or moving forward or in a direction of increase or progress) and the end result may be one which moves forward in a direction of progress, later in the post i wrote 'if its negative' (definition: Unfavorable or detrimental), thus meaning the end result will come and it may cosist of something considered unfavourable, in the article it says 'guide you towards' (definition(guide): One who shows the way by leading, directing, or advising) so Allah will show her the way, (definition(towards):with a view to obtaining or having) of obtaining or having the best from this situation, so Allah will 'guide her towards' this is the 'outcome', and what is best for her, thus either anything that shows the direction of progress or anything considered unfavourable, because those are the only 2 happenings that can become, which explains that my original point made is concordent with the article.

          SisterZ i have wrongly been accused of having 'widespread false information', yet my reply to the sister was concordent with what the article from the following link states (, and hence unless your doubting your own source of evidence, my above case proves that i am right and you merely jumped to a conclusion, and then to ridicule me by using words such as 'email in your inbox' and 'learn how to do istikhara properly', well it seems unjust and rather sad, i assure you my intentions are genuine, its my good nature i played it off lightly, its just i dont mind being put right but not when my comments are justified valid, and hence my rather late 3am case file to prove myself free of fault in this case, no hard feelings.

          Asalamo alaykum warahmatullah

          • Hmm, Kelvenater,

            Clearly, you are offended by my apparent tone of speech, for which I apologise, although I meant no offence. With regards to the istikhara, it is something which is widely misunderstood. My personal readings have never stated anything about repeating it 7 times, but obviously I need to learn more about this topic as I do not know nearly enough. Since I am unclear on this matter, I retract my statement. And Allah knows best.

            Having said that, I found your manner of wanting to 'put me right' extremely rude and over board. The speech about breathing, pitchforks and feminism, was uncessary and disrespectful. Allah has given me my identity as a Muslim woman and that is fulfilling enough for me so I do not need to associate myself with feminism.


          • SisterZ my apologies i agree my words were unwarranted and out of place, my over explanation was rush of adrenaline and bought out my competitve edge, which was very wrong and i accept that, i ask you to forgive me for my fault.

            May Allah guide us all and lead us to the right path.


          • Good job...impressive

  2. asak
    i can feel your feelings ..alhamdullaha... just pray to allaha he will solve your problem.... request to Allaha that he will pursue your mom and your father... Inshaallha u get happiness soon... Dua for me also....Allaha hafiz take care

  3. walikumassalamwarahmathullahiwabarakathuhu..sister ure prob i understnd...Dese r obstacles whch cme inbtween u and Allah....u hav to sacrifice anthn wen it cmes to islam amd Allah (SWT)..but as a teen myalf its a rely hard job in getn it dun...extrmlt hard...but rember nthn is impsble u try ul sheeba said pray to Lah...He wil solve all problem...dats ne solution...and about the isthikara topic discussn i hav no wide knwldge of it so id rather not giv u dat as a solution...but remmber hav ure limits...cntrol ure feeling...always wen chatin o tlkn o metn with him hav a mahram by ure side....malesure ure mum is atlst aware of evrthn wat dat person says and is like to u...nver hide her anthn...cnfess ure dad..make him belev...try ure best to satisfy him ure choice...always be in islamc terms..wenevr ur chatin with him try talkin smthn islamic....u knw get to knw each oders islamic knwldge...but dnt go backbiting...refrain frm mch chattin and talkin thrgh is made permissable to talk o meet ure wouldbe only aftr da enggemntbis dun...nly aftr ure parnts and his parnts has accpted bth of ull as a bear it...face it...Allah is always dere....

    • Sister,

      Its so hard to read and understand your slang. I dont understand why the youth feel it necessary to write like this. If you want people to actually know what you are saying, please write properly.

      SisterZ Editor

  4. assalamu'alaikum,

    i ever meet a guy as that. i knew him from facebook, he is from jordan. he is engineer, and work in mobile company. His salary is close to 4000 us dollar. He has own home, and cars. he also offered me some money, but i refused, cos im verry respected and i dont wanna money from anyone. Alhamdullilah i have good job and good carrier here. when i first chat him, i judge him as good muslim. we became close. and everyday we used to chat by yahoo messenger. your story is really the same with my story. he promised me will come to my country in august. we will marry in my country. he never talked dirty .you said, he have younger sister, and he doesn't wanna anyone to talk dirty to her.

    After a year chatting, i know that he is liar. I search data about him. I found that he has so many facebook accounts, and add many girls from many countries. I hack all his facebook, also some of his yahoo messenger. im so hurt, when i read in his history conversation. he likes to do sexual chat with many girls. he likes sexy girls., He really big liar. He's dare to swear on the name of Allah that he loves me, only for gaming me and my family.

    I also found the fact, exactly he doesn't work in mobile company. He doesn't have stable life , as home, 2 cars etc. He is married guy. But it is not important. The bad thing that i really hate is he's dare to swear on the name of Allah just 4 gaming one's heart. I left him, he is just big liar.

    I hope my experience in online chat can become a lesson for muslim girls. Don't easily trust with guy who you meet by facebook or online chat.

  5. Salaam sister wow I have the same story as you but mine didn't end the way I wanted just in pain. I converted to Islam and left everything Haram we meet online im a great Muslim and learn Arabic. I have the deen in my heart. Recently she told me she wanted to end things after 5 years when she's finally coming back to the u.s from the middle east. I ask my self why all the time when I did everything right I'm just heart broken and pray to allah for guidance. I feel lost cuz she won't even let me talk to her dad so he could see I'm a great man that would respect her and treat her right. My advice if you think this man is for you , you have to do things right let him talk to your parents inshallah they would see his a great Muslim as you say. You don't want to live knowing you didn't try or wondering what could've been. Allah knows I try to make things right and try to convince her to let me talk to her parents but she won't I waited 5 years. I say if you love him give him a chance if not end things now no reason to tag him along if noting going to happen.

  6. sis,
    You do not know who is behind that computer.
    It is not safe. Online relationships are usually frauds.

    Please take this no further and try to get married to a man of your and your parent's choice.

    Hope all gets better for you.

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