Islamic marriage advice and family advice

Should I tell my husband about my Ex?

Assalamu Alaikum, my name is Mariam. I am a Pakistani girl who was born and raised in America. Since I was young, I have always done my best to please my parents, and try my utmost to be a good muslim girl. I never spoke to boys or did anything that was wrong islamically and especially never did anything against my parents wishes. My family and friends loved me alot and truly loved and respected me for being very religious and a good daughter.

However, five years ago I unexpectedly made the mistake of falling in love with one of my cousins who told me that he cared a lot about me and wanted to marry me. After time passed by, the guy asked my parents for my rishta; however, my parents hated this cousin and they believed that he was not a good guy for me to marry"¦. the decision was up to me; I put a stone over my heart and feelings and for the sake of my parents' happiness and to please Allah (swt) command of following parents wishes, I agreed not to marry him.

This was the most difficult decison that I ever had to make in my life. However, I knew in my heart somewhere that inshallah I will be rewarded one day from God for my sacrifice. My parents were very pleased that I did not marry the guy. Alhumdulillah, as time has passed, my wounds have slowly healed and I have forgotton the guy (moreover the only thing that ever happened between us was that we talked to one another in the beginning about our "future" together if we got married).

After the day they left from my rishta I never spoke to him ever and I have never tried to get involved with him or any guy ever again. Alhumdulillah, as time has been my healer, I have forgotton about him. Now two years have passed by and the "ex" has moved on, married, and had children. Moreover, my parents are now looking for rishtas for me.

My main concern and dilemma is what I should tell my future husband about my cousin. My evil and corrupt relatives (ex cousin and his family) now want to gain revenge from me and my family because my rishta did not take place with their family and they want to ruin my future husband's and in laws relationship with me. I know for a fact that as soon as I get married, my relatives and the "ex" will tell my husband about the fact that I used to love a guy and wanted to marry him"¦. etc. I do not know what I should say to my husband in regards to this situation. My parents have said to just to never admit it to my future husband because nowadays men and inlaws would have hate and problems if they found things like this out.

Also, there is no way to stop ppl from talking and telling my husband and in laws about my past and I really don't know what to do in my situation.

Please tell me what I should do? What do I tell my husband and in laws when people tell them things about me and what should I do? I honestly have tried to be a good muslim daughter and respect my parents wishes, but still my life is full with obstacles due to my "ex" even though it occurred looooong ago. I am so scared and every night I cry myself to sleep worrying and wondering what will happen between me and my husband when I get married and when my relatives try to cause problems for me. PLEASE help me! I do not know what to do and I really need good Islamic advice on what to do. Please give me advice. Thank you.

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6 Responses »

  1. asalamu alaikum.

    sister you are gettin worried over petty things. is it so shameful to love somebody? ok its true not very often you get the chance to marry the person you like due to family differences etc but thats normal. if your future husand and inlaws are smart then they will definately see past it, its not like you dated your ex so its no problem. there is nothing to hide from your future husband. if they do ask just say there was a man couple of years ago but not anymore so jus be honest and have confidence.

  2. Asslam-o-Alaikum sister,
    I am a Pakistani girl too. And I understand your problem.It is such a pity that our people want to find faults with others and try to tease others for nothing.You are Mashallah on the right path.So trust Allah.Nobody can ever harm you if Allah wills.Do a little homework of finding some duas to overcome enemies and foes.Have full faith.Inshallah things will get better for you.In addition to this, I know the mentality of our ppl.But dont fear them.My advice to you is that tell your parents to tell the boy and family that cousin had asked for your rishta and they had denied.Dont tell them that you were interested in him or something.Let it be only that they had talk with your parents and they denied.Thats it. If your parents give a clear statement beforehand then chances of misunderstanding will greatly decrease.Besides the boy and his parents should be sensible enough to understand that they should not degrade someone whom they have brought home as a family member only because people especially relatives say bad things(and they always lie and exaggerate things).And please there is no need to tell your husband that you loved your cousin.Sometimes one makes mistakes and then repents.That is a matter between you and Allah.You are not having any illegal relation with anyone after your marriage.Just be true to your husband and he will know that you are not like that and wont listen to what ppl say Inshallah.
    May Allah guide you to the right path and protect you from your enemies.Verily He is the best protecter and knows things better than anyone.

  3. Assalaam o alaikum,

    Look men marry women who were previously married and/or engaged (and vice versa for women). Usually engagement creates a deep affection but sometimes these engagements are broken because of parents.

    You should pray to Allah to give you a God-fearing and reasonable husband (and reasonable in-laws). They would definitely understand even if your sinister relatives try to gossip about you.

    I am married myself and I can say that an proposer were to gossip about my wife, we would have a big fight i.e. I would be defending my wife.

    What you had was a 'crush' ... I think many (if not most) go through it ... even those who keep it to themselves. Your only mistake (if we could call it) was "(moreover the only thing that ever happened between us was that we talked to one another in the beginning about our “future” together if we got married)".

    I guess the lesson for others is to not mix and talk to non-mahram.

  4. marry in pakistan go to pakistan

  5. the best thing is 2 b honest b the first one 2 tell ur husband u wer inlove b4 coz then u hiding nothing and he gets 2 know u fully.y keep something u dont like? let it go

  6. my dalen ur soooooooooooo sweet walahey i really liked ur strong iman n ur honesty but u dont need 2 coz in this lyf we hav seen alot peolpe theses day marry diffrent peolpe with difrent problem that u will nat excipte dalen u not 1 of them the man who will marry u will be very lucky 2 hav a gril like u coz belive me there iznt more of u , u are 1 of theses who are very good n would want every 1 2 marry her may alah palss u siis i wolud wish if every1 was lyk me n u strong in our iiman n we think about wat alah lyks n dislyk n wat make him happey so iz our family n protact our dicnaty i really luv u siis

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